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Dear Diary,
Just wanted to be able to refer to this writing on the rare occasions when the public criticisms get me down. And they are rare, because it is sooo good to be me! As the CEO of one of the biggest lobbying firms I make more money than an old Mafia Don - and I’m more powerful. I’m dapper, influential beyond measure; I buy congressmen like Imelda Marcos buys shoes. Who wouldn’t want me? If I weren’t me, I’d want me!
I worked hard to get where I am today. Graduated from an Ivy League university, just like Dad. Worked at his firm for nine years, then ran for congress and won. Learned very quickly how the game was played and made all the right friends. By my fourth and final term, I had submitted so many bills written by Big Pharma, Energy and the financial industry, that the job offers were more prevalent than flies in a sty. I ended up working for all of those industries, plus a media giant; then I was able to open my own lobbying company. Now I get to write the laws for my congressmen and women to submit. And they know they damned well better do as they’re told. We pay them good money and they know if they become too independent, they will be replaced. We own them all! Well, not all, but damned close to all; plus the majority of senators. The senators are more expensive, of course, but worth every penny. The most expensive is a president, and we’ve owned them all for thirty years. To some degree at least. But could you imagine the chaos if a president started going off and acting like FDR? Unthinkable in this day and age! But, since me and the media– I mean the collective me – have the same interests, it’s easy to shut out the dangerous types.
Now what about the rogues that we don’t own, I ask myself? There are a few of those pains-in-the-asses. Well, the media takes care of them for us. Have a congressperson suggest that we leave Iraq and cut our military budget by even a smidgen – and that person is now a fringe loony that is laughed and sneered at by all our pundits. Oh yeah, I own most of those too. And by I, I mean the collective I. It’s well known in my circles that the media and I are pretty much the same people. If not the same people, then at least we would be showering together on a regular basis, if I get my drift.
As with everything else in the world, there are degrees of ownership, and I definitely have my favorite politicians. Some Republicans will come to me and ask, “What do you want me to do? Do you have bills you want me to submit?” Others aren’t so obvious, but they still know who’s boss. Same with the Blue Dog Democrats. They know what to do and who’s in charge. “We want a war,” we said. “What country?” they said. “Iraq,” we said. “Okay, done!” they said. “The people are demanding better healthcare and punishment for the banks,” they said. “Okay, we’ll figure a way to make more money out of this and we’ll get back to you – be ready,” we said. And they were - ready that is.
Ordering senators and representatives around, never gets old! It’s a good feeling to be me!
We also have so many average people on our side. The tea party movement is solidly behind us. (It gets so infuriating to hear the libs call them teabaggers! They’re patriots that want what’s best for me!) Within months of the crash of 2008 they were already blaming homeowners and illegal immigrants, and averring that regulations are the problem. It’s a good thing teabaggers believe everything Fox and Limbaugh tell them to believe. I want you, me, to remember how good it feels to have millions of people believe anything I tell them, no matter how ludicrous. We use what I call ‘shiny objects.’ “Regulate the banks,” the people say. “ “Look over there! Immigrants,” we say. “Immigrants!” they say. It’s not as good as it felt to put a complete moron in the White House – on a bet, no less – but that was a super-coup on our part.
It really is good to be me.
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