Survived by his long-time companion...

[FourScore]

Survived by his long-time companion...
by 1864 House
Sat May 29, 2010 at 03:27:31 PM PDT

An old friend died this week.

The loss was compounded by having to read those words in his obituary: Long-time companion.

It should have said husband.

What a couple. What a story. Twenty-six years. Both were HIV positive when they met and fell in love. They were young and scared. Twenty-six years ago, HIV was a death sentence. They didn’t think they had a lot of time but wanted whatever they could get. They took the risk of loving.

Time passed. They both developed AIDS. Medical miracles brought them back from the edge so many times. The disease continued to take a toll. They cared for each other, taking turns being the strong one.

They shared everything – even the same first name – but couldn’t have been more different. A skinny guy and a lumberjack. Boisterous and quiet. Excitable and calm. Contrasts. Complements. It is almost impossible to think of one without the other. They were salt and pepper.

They were not financially flush, but were generous. They hired LGBT youth to do odd jobs around their home because they knew some of the kids needed the money and someone to keep an eye on them. They volunteered with youth. They talked about how much it would have meant to them to have a support network when they were teens.

We did the annual "relationship panel" talk together for the local youth group. They were the male couple. There was a female couple, and I was part of what we joked was the token straight couple. They told their story sweetly. They interrupted each other when they remembered things differently. They were realistic. They were honest about their illness and how hard that was to manage. They gave sage advice. But more than anything, they were irrefutable proof that love looks and sounds the same no matter who you are. They gave a generation of LGBT youth hope that there was a future for them.

More than any other couple I have ever known, they cherished every minute they had together. And they deserved the affirmation and recognition that other couples have.

I am thankful they had many more years than they thought they would. There still weren’t enough.

http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2010/5/29/871200/-Survived-by-his-long-time-companion...

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. What a beautiful, beautiful tribute, my dear FourScore...

Your words are so poignant, and true.

It should have said husband.

Thank you for reminding us what the face of love looks like...

It is always beautiful.


K&R

:hug:

[mitchtv]

2. thank you

such a thoughful friend to remember them

[foxfeet]

3. Thanks for posting this, FourScore!

[saracat]

4. Beautiful.

[tango-tee]

5. Such a wonderful tribute to a loving couple.

And yes, it should have said "husband" in the obituary. My condolences for having lost such a dear friend.

[DesertDiamond]

6. My heart is breaking with amazement at this kind of love.

I'm heterosexual, and have never found this kind of love. When I hear two people find it but can't be married because they are of the same gender, it breaks my heart.

I had two friends, very similar, but it wasn't AIDs, it was cancer that Bill passed from. He and Bob had been together and loyal since they were young, so it was, I don't remember, 30, 40 years together? And Bob took care of Bill to the end. But they could never be married. This is so incredibly unjust.

[Delphinus]

8. Ditto!

You spoke my truth so eloquently. Thank you for that.

[jumptheshadow]

7. Thank you for posting this (nt)

[GoddessOfGuinness]

9. I am so sorry for your loss...

I hope one day we truly do have liberty and justice for all. :hug:

[malaise]

10. Profound

and very touching! Rec

[Shanti Mama]

11. Thank you.

Written beautifully. If only everyone... E V E R Y O N E in the world could see love this way, and not in a straitjacket.

[Mad_Dem_X]

12. Now, that is a love story.

Thank you for posting that.

[xxqqqzme]

13. I eagerly anticipate the day when

phrases like '...Long-time companion...' will seem archaic, quaint and so dated.

Thank you for posting this lovely tribute.

[Orsino]

14. Who the hell wrote "long-time companion" instead of "husband"?

I suppose it could have been intentional, but damn, that's cold.

And sad.

[CherokeeDem]

15. A Fitting Tribute...

to an amazing couple. The story of their life together give us a true glimpse of how love should be defined. The author's words, "they were irrefutable proof that love looks and sounds the same no matter who you are," speaks the truth. Those words only prove to spotlight the arrogance, and ignorance, of anyone who would choose to define love and who should share it any other way.

May the surviving companion find peace and support among those who love him.

[qnr]

16. I understand the point IRT "husband" but to be honest, to me at least, "long-time

companion" says much more about their relationship in this particular case.

[awoke_in_2003]

22. i see your point...

but the problem here is that you cannot say "husband". I have read obituaries where "husband and lifelong companion" were used- it is sad, in this case, that you cannot because of our stupid, bigoted marriage laws.

[byrok]

17. +1

:grouphug:

[stevedeshazer]

18. Recommended. Great post.

[nolabear]

19. Beautiful and heartbreaking. I'd like to write this in poetry.

I don't mean this exactly, but the concept. I'd never put the poignance of it together as potential for poetry before, though I've written of just such a relationship in prose.

This is love, in its truest sense. How we can not recognize and honor it is beyond me.

[myrna minx]

20. .

:hug:

[Doc Martin]

21. Thanks; he, and they, had a good friend in you

[davidinalameda]

23. I saw one obit in a local paper that mentioned "special friend"

that made me want to puke

but then again, its the family that submits the obit

[ZombieHorde]

24. Recommended. nt

[Swamp Rat]

25. k&r

[WestSeattle2]

26. Beautifully written! The circle of life can be bittersweet at times;

I too am glad they had so many happy years together. We should all be so lucky.

[MindandSoul]

27. Such an inspiring story! Thank you for reminding us that love knows no boundaries of sex, age,

and health status.

[DesertFlower]

28. sorry for your loss. i've known

so many people who died from AIDS.

[npk]

29. Great story. K&R n/t

[Omaha Steve]

30. K&R!

[Ken Burch]

31. The phrase "longtime companion" needs to be retired from the nation's obit columns

There's no reason to ever stigmatize or euphemize a relationship in death. The loss of a same-sex partner is NO different than the loss of an opposite-sex one(and I can speak from experience, having lost my opposite sex "longtime companion" in 2004).

Anyone who can't handle an honest obituary about someone else's life should just fucking go to hell. And I'm fairly sure Jesus would be with me on that(or at least his longtime companion Mary Magdalene would).

Having said that, thank you for the beautiful tribute you posted to these men and the life they shared. I hope the anger in my post doesn't detract from that in any way.

[Taverner]

32. Survived by his Husband

That is what it should be

[stevenleser]

33. K&R

[Tailormyst]

34. I'm so sorry for your loss

We won't stop fighting until that term is retired for good. 26 years. They are my heroes.

[Libertyfirst]

35. Thank you, FourScore. And we shall overcome, someday.