Hell Welcomes Falwell.

[Philosoraptor]

Reverend Jerry Falwell entered the lowest level of hell today and was given the standard welcome, a red hot poker shoved up his ass and his flesh instantly melting down to the bone, regenerating and re-melting forever, but there was a definite buzz among the demons and imps and sulfurous smoke.

"We've been expecting his damned ass for decades, and we've added on a new wing just to handle him and all his followers who are showing up in larger and larger numbers these days, with no signs of letting up", said , a grand demon of the lower levels of hades, his eternal sufferings are the standard ones for charlatans and religious blowhard ripoffs, but with a few special touches thrown in to personalize the agonies.

The hellish wails of former president Ronald Reagan could be heard for weeks coming from the Reagan wing built around the same time as the Christian Conservative, Moral Majority wing. He is said to have anticipated seeing his old pal Falwell for a chat when he's served his first 10,000 years with his head shoved into boiling cobra vomit and his body plagued by monstrous demon leeches, and hopes to recall the good times.

No comments from Falwell himself as yet as he is still in orientation and his tongue is severely parched and swollen from the heat and all he can do is beg for a single drop of cool, clear water to sooth his horrific sufferings.

The father of all lies and suffering himself will meet with Falwell later this week to personally welcome him and shove his pudgy behind through a meat grinder to make bratwurst for Jerry's private consumption at his own personal barbecue.

Another unmentionable demon remarked that the place is already brighter and happier just having the Reverend Falwell's withering shrieks reverberating through the cavernous recesses of the netherworld, "It does a demon good to hear that lilting, lyrical lamenting from such a fat, greedy, lying pig".

Film at 11:00.

[Name removed]

1. Deleted sub-thread

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[malaise]

2. At times like these I wish I believed in hell

but I have no gods. So he'll rot in the ground like the rest of us and at least I won't have to hear his hate messages.

Add.

[Philosoraptor]

3. A statement from Hell from the newly arrived Jerry Falwell:

"AAAH--AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH-AAAH-AH-AH-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!111"

[HamdenRice]

4. suckling from the 16 poisened leathern teats of Gophahmet

"But now I am forced to suckle from the 16 poisoned leathern teats of Gophahmet, Whore of Betrayal, until I burst from an unwholesome engorgement of curdled bile," Falwell complained. "This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

Exacerbating the Falwell's tortures, which include being hollowed out and used as prophylactics by thorn-cocked Gulbuth The Rampant, is the fact that he will be forced to endure such suffering in sight of the southern Baptist heaven he was expecting.

--adapted from the Onion, Nov 2001.

[Philosoraptor]

5. What?!?!? No 76 Liberty University virgins?

"This must be some sort of terrible mistake."

[WildEyedLiberal]

8. Is there a link for that??

Wow, that's hilarious in a really sick way.

[MLFerrell]

6. "we've added on a new wing just to handle him and all his followers..."

If that's the case, they're going to want to get started building a whole new level of hell for Bush.

[BleedingHeartPatriot]

7. He was opinionated, dontcha know.

MKJ

[TroubleMan]

9. Jesus says: