Less than 24 hours after Ben Quayle raked in a staggering 22.7% of the vote en route to a resounding victory in Arizona’s Third District Republican Congressional primary, former United States Vice Presidents are pouring into Arizona at a rate many thought impossible since the state’s tough new immigration law went into effect — making many local residents so uneasy that some are calling for an amendment to deal specifically with how the law applies to washed-up politicians.
“At this point in time, when tensions are running so high regarding the influx of outsiders, legal residents tend to feel much more at ease knowing that their law enforcement officers are vigilant in checking documentation in order to ascertain that these strangers have entered Arizona legally,” according to (legal) local resident Linda Emanuel. “One must remember, these are not former Presidents, but rather Vice Presidents. It’s not as though they are readily recognizable to most people.”
The reasons so many former VPs are descending on the Grand Canyon State are as varied as the personalities of the individuals themselves.
One of them, naturally, is Dan Quayle, who served as Vice President under President George H. W. Bush. Ever the proud father, the jubilant elder Quayle, when it became apparent that his “number two son” would cruise to victory, admonished reporters who had given the younger Quayle little chance of prevailing, telling them, “You see? The potatoe never falls far from its tree.”
The former Vice President — who Christopher Toomey, an anonymous source within the Secret Service, credits with discouraging countless assassination attempts targeting then-President Bush — also told reporters that he plans to remain in Arizona through the November election, “providing, of course, that (he) can secure the appropriate visa.”
Al Gore has also made his way to the greater Phoenix area, hoping that yesterday’s primary election will serve as a warning to many about the many social and political consequences that he considers attributable to global climate change. Mr. Gore, as has become his custom, spoke to reporters while tightly clutching the Academy Award he won for the documentary film “An Inconvenient Truth”:
“I don’t think it’s mere coincidence that on a day when the mercury reached 112° in the Phoenix/Scottsdale area that election results such as yesterday’s occurred. Here’s a ‘family values’ candidate who initially lied about his involvement with a website of questionable morality and whose main platform was nothing more than making the statement ‘Obama is the worst President in history’. Well, even if it turns out that way, it’s only because H.W. stayed healthy — but I digress… The point I’m trying to make is that it’s really hard to believe there is no link between the sweltering heat and the judgment, or lack of it, shown by the electorate.”
And of course, as expected, former Vice President Dick Cheney was the first of the group to arrive, telling reporters he is “on a working vacation”. Most Capital Beltway insiders have presumed from the outset that should Mr. Quayle secure his party’s nomination, Cheney, who was not only Defense Secretary but also a trusted advisor during the tenure of President Bush ‘41′ and Vice President Quayle, might serve in an advisory capacity as a campaign strategist.
Casually dressed in hunting attire and flanked by a rifle bearer, the former Vice President tersely told the gathered reporters, “I have no comment as to the business purpose of my being here, but would warn anybody that as long as any Quayle remains alive in Arizona they better stay out of my way and not try to come between us.”
:sarcasm:
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