I was a self hating coward in high school

[dsc]

and because of that, these bullying threads speak deeply to me. From a very young age, I vividly understood, I wasn't enough of a man. In PE, as a first grader, my teacher literally would call me names and make fun of my lack of athletic talent (and I surely lacked it). By middle school I literally began to think my name was faggot. My nerdy, bookish ways, my total lack of athletic ability, and my inability to be masculine enough, made everyone assume, correctly, that I was gay. By high school, I just wanted out. I worked my ass off for grades and got a nearly free ride for college. I made it out. But I surely wasn't anything like out and proud. Instead, I just did my best to get by. It took me several years before I could be comfortable with who I am and live as an out and proud man. But even now, when I read these stories. I remember the self hating coward I was back then. I own it, even as I don't like it.

Now as a teacher I try to help others not go through what I did. It takes a long time to get over being told relentlessly that you are worthless. I am not sure what the solution to this is. I know that it will take both the adults and the kids of our schools and the adults outside our school to find it. As long as one political party and half of the adherents of our dominant religion, paint gays as deviant threats to our society who bring plagues with their mere presence, gays will continue to be bullied. As long as the muddled middle stands by and lets it happen, gays will continue to be bullied. As long as our government, even under a Democratic administration and Congress, refuses to let us serve in the military, marry our partners, come as immigrants with our partners, serve in the military, or even give blood gays will be bullied. Until ENDA is passed gay teachers will stay in the closet in the districts where they are most needed to be out and gay kids will continue to be bullied. Kids are dying, and others are being told they are so worthless they may as well die. I could marry a supermodel, cure cancer, and become the next great actor, but I will still be that kid in middle school when I read stories of gay kids killing themselves from being bullied.

I was a self hating coward, I own that, even as I don't like it.

[lumberjack_jeff]

1. Survival < > cowardice

They're not the same thing. In school, you do what you need to do to survive.

[fascisthunter]

2. you are also hard on yourself

I'm really sorry for what you had to deal with... but you did, that's my point. And you seem to have made yourself a better MAN by helping others because of what you endured. Be proud and do not feel too much shame. There is only so much we can do and be... we are not as powerful as we try to will ourselves to be.

Oh... you are a big man for opening up

[dsc]

3. I certainly understand why I was the way I was

but I was both self hating and very scared. I never knew in middle school just what might happen to me so I was scared to even dream of being me. Bullying does that to you. In addition I was going to a church that said gays were moral scum so I surely didn't feel I could argue with the prevailing opinion all that well.

[fascisthunter]

6. what you had to deal with and how you reacted

was how most would, THAT'S the truth most will never admit. I have both stood up, and shrunk from bullies. I have also bullied(though didn't realize it at the time), watched bullying and also defended some from bullying. I wish I was the guy that ALWAYS had defended others from bullying as well as defended myself, but I was not. I was bullied too, and it really is tough standing up for yourself especially when out numbered. The problem is, not enough of us did anything to help those who got bullied in front of us.

I understand some of what you may have felt, and I just hope my words give you some comfort.

[dsc]

7. they have

I don't blame myself I know it was a tough time and I did what I knew how to do to get through. It just kills me to see others in the very same or worse predicaments. The gay rights movement can't even begin to call itself a success until this problem is solved on a nationwide level.

[backscatter712]

4. When I think back to my Jr. high school experiences, I'm amazed I didn't go Columbine...

on some of the fuckers who desperately deserved it.

[dsc]

5. I have to say I am very glad I didn't grow up on a family of gun nuts

or else who knows what I might have done to myself or others.

[The Philosopher]

8. I hope by the time I become a teacher that ENDA is passed

because I'm not the sort of person who sees a wrong and keeps quiet about it. When I was younger I would take on bullies when they tried to mess with me, no matter their size or number. And if they messed with a friend, I ended up doing the same. One time I almost got into a fight with a guy who was bullying a dude much larger than the both of us (and I was the smallest and the weakest of the three).

As I've gotten older I've learned that you can have all the courage in the world, but if there's no support for you to rely on, it's practically useless, you're insignificant. As kids what support would we have gotten, especially in a homophobic environment? We can't really blame ourselves for not speaking up. We're children, for God's sake, not superheroes. But now that we're older we do have that chance for support in order to do the things we couldn't do as kids. Sure, it's still a fight. We have to fight those who don't understand, who see us as a liability, or who are indifferent. But it's a fight we can manage. We can become a large number ourselves, we can show people who we are. We are the sum of our experiences; our worth is what we pass on. And for our LGBT family, for everyone, we have a lot to pass on.

[dsc]

9. even if it hasn't

many teacher's unions have negotiated non discrimination clauses in contracts so if you work in a unionized state that may help. It is easier as an adult and with support that is for sure.

[The Philosopher]

10. That's true

But if the Sec. of Education keeps it up, there won't even be that. Also, unfortunately, Texas is a right-to-work state. We have only teacher associations, no unions (which irks me to no end, being a union member's son).

[dsc]

12. tell me about it

I made the mistake of calling our association a union once (NC) and you would have thought I had said child molester. I still remember going to the state convention of our association and tried to pass two amendments. One would endorse having the state protect gays from being fired, no opposition. The second was for getting an hourly rate for some of our extra duties. That was hugely contraversial and got tabled. Go figure. I had prepeared a speech for the gay thing, which I didn't have to give and was caught flat footed on the other which I thought would be non contraversial.

[pipi_k]

11. Self hating? Perhaps...

Coward?


No.

[felix_numinous]

13. Please be more compassionate with yourself

for mistaking others definition of you for what you really are. I am sure you are an awesome teacher because of what you went through, and make more of a difference than you will ever know. :)

[dsc]

14. I said was

not am. I am a much person different now than I was then.