Can you all tolerate yet another thread on school bullying?

[Ruby the Liberal]

After years of being picked on for not having any redeemable qualities (in our town = athletic abilities), I still kept trying to fit in.

In the 9th grade (Mid 1970s), I had a crush on a soccer player, but was so far removed from his inner circle that I am surprised they even noticed me. One night at a school dance, he asked me to dance to a slow song. I was in 7th heaven! That is until I looked up during the dance and saw all of the cool kids falling over each other in laughter on the gym bleachers. I was not unattractive - just uncool - and the guy had to dance the whole song with me because he had lost a bet.

I lived through ~3.5 years of humiliation over that 'earth-shatteringly funny' event, and it was even noted in annual yearbooks as a "memorable moment" and as a "high point of HS fun". This monkey rode my back for 15+ years after graduation - and for NO reason.

GLBTQ kids - just keep your heads down and get through the season of ignorance you may be experiencing.

ALL kids - bullying comes in all shapes, sizes and forms. Do NOT let the microcosm of your school define your world view as it did mine. Do NOT internalize and DO allow yourself a fresh start as a new young (and free) adult once you graduate. I beg of you - stand up for those who are being treated in a manner that you would not want to have to endure.

Know more than anything - It Does Get Better

I promise.

[LWolf]

1. Not unless everyone who wants to chime in is willing to

support and work for the kinds of supports than can minimize bullying and maximize safe, respectful school climates.

Small schools. Small classes. Abundant staffing.

[Ruby the Liberal]

2. I don't know if you are referring to me, but

I spent several years volunteering with the NEA on this very issue and currently volunteer with the Trevor Project.

This is not a joke, my friend.

Kids have suffered in silence for years over school bullying and regardless of the reason, it needs to STOP.

If parents are at the root (which I suspect in most cases), then someone else needs to step in.

[LWolf]

8. I'm referring to everyone who complains about it without

being willing to do what will help fix it. I don't think that's you.

I know it's not a joke. I teach. Currently, I teach in a small K-8 school. We are able to address bullying immediately, from many directions, with strong interventions, because it's simply much harder for our kids to get away with it. We're always around, paying attention, and we have fewer students to keep track of. Still, one of my students, just this week, wrote that telling a teacher stops bullying temporarily, but won't stop it long term. She's probably right. We can do our best to minimize it, but it will take a cultural shift in values to have a long-term positive effect. She was writing about bullying because it was a theme in the book she was reading.

[dsc]

6. I am not so sure that small schools are really the key

If you are a minority being in a small school could wind up making you literally the only person like you in the entire place. I can't think that would make things are better.

[LWolf]

9. Small schools mean that it's easier to keep track of individual kids,

and that more adults on campus know more of the kids. It fosters relationship building and minimizes the opportunities for bullying. In some cases, the student body will be less diverse, but only if the community the school draws from is less diverse, anyway. In that case, the student is outnumbered regardless of the size of the school.

[dsc]

12. being outnumbered and being alone is quite different

The students of my GSA are outnumbered but do have someone to talk about when it comes to gay issues. I think that makes some amount of difference.

[LWolf]

31. It does.

I don't know that it makes up for being surrounded by so many peers that only a small percentage of the adults on campus know who you are, what your background is, or even notice you in the crowd, though.

I DO worry about my students when it comes to gay issues. Not because our school is small and rural, but because the community is right-wing conservative, a culture not safe for glbt children. They don't come out in middle school here. They don't come out when they go to the bigger high school. It's not safe.

Not just at school. It's not safe in the community. In their neighborhoods, with their friends, at their churches. That's not because of the size of the school, but of the culture in the community.

[malaise]

3. Anderson Cooper is hosting a town hall meeting on bullying

right now on CNN

[CoffeeCat]

4. I have been very upset about the issue...

...of bullying. I am relieved and overjoyed to see the media attention on this
important subject--and also the threads on DU.

In my opinion, there can't be enough coverage!!

This needs to end...NOW. RIGHT NOW!

I've mentioned before on DU that my kindergarten daughter was bullied. This went on for three months. I
made several trips to the principal's office. He blew me off and treated me like an overprotective, helicopter
mom who had a weak daughter. His advice to me, "Your daughter needs to be more assertive. That's the problem.
Because if she doesn't stand up for herself now, this will happen all of her life."

I tried. I tried so hard. I kept calling the principal and telling him new stories about what the bully did.
I'd pick up my daughter and she would have bite marks on her forehead from this child! She was thrown face
down into mud puddles, hit, pinched, etc. It was awful.

I got NO help. This principal is a bit of a bully himself--an observation I've made through the years. This
just should not be allowed. It should be illegal.

My kindergartner is now in fifth grade. I worry about junior high. She's the shortest one in her class. Will
she be picked on again? She's so sweet and kind. I find it amazing that bullies can get away with what they do.
If adults did this to each other, it would be called assault and battery, stalking, harassment, etc. These
are felonies.

But because these are "students" we rationalize it.

It has to end---and I will celebrate every DU post on this subject and every minute of media coverage. It's the
only thing that will change the climate!

[bobbolink]

7. You're absolutely correct... it is ASSAULT. I can hardly bear to read these accounts...

children aren't constructed to withstand this kind of hell.

The hell for mothers whose children are subjected to this is another kind of hell. I have experienced it from both sides, and my heart goes out to you.

There is no excuse.

None. (Where is that raised fist emoticon when you need it?)

[CoffeeCat]

13. Thank you for understanding...

...and for your empathy. It is a special hell--when your five year old tells you that she
doesn't feel safe at school.

Let's all hope that all of the publicity changes things. Obama has an amazing man high up
in the education department. He was bullied in high school and has discussed the hell
he endured. I've seen him in interviews recently, regarding the bullying issue.

You would think with all of the suicides, that would at least wake up administrators who
do nothing. There has to be zero tolerance.

Maybe I'm oversimplifying the cure for this, but what if administrators had a school assembly
the first week and spelled out what would happen if people were caught bullying. Bullies would
be suspended a week for the first infraction, two weeks for the second and expelled for the third.

Three strikes and you're out. Why wouldn't that work?

There are barely any consequences now.

[bobbolink]

27. You have given me an idea.....

I have read through your reply several times, because it strikes my heart so deeply, and your last part gives me an idea.

"Three strikes and you're out. Why wouldn't that work?"

The only reason it doesn't work is because there isn't loud enough demand.

Do you remember Candy Leitner? She was the woman who took her deep grief and used it to take action. She organized, she agitated, and now we have a lot more awareness of drunk driving and the attitude has completely changed. I remember a comedian, for example, whose whole schtick was acting drunk. Candy Leitner effectively put him out of business, and a lot of laws and enforcement has come about because of her.

We're ready for "Moms Against Bullying". The motto would be "Three Strikes And You're Out". We both agree that moms live in a special hell when their children are being bullied, and we care about *other* children, and *other* moms, too.

What do you say? As Bernie Sanders always says, "Let's do it."

edited to add: :hug:

[Ruby the Liberal]

10. Sis, it was your MSNBC-Dateline video that led me to post this

I watched it twice and it brought both tears and memories both times.

God bless that young woman who showed what needed to happen.

[CoffeeCat]

16. Hugs to you Ruby...

So many have been affected by bullying. It's time we stopped the pain, isn't it?

I cannot stop crying when I watch the video. I thought my tears were due to what
my child had endured with a bully. However, so many others say they cried too. It
really is a bittersweet video, isn't it? It's so wonderful to see that someone like
Lucy exists, but on the other hand--for those who have endured bullying--I think it's
tough to wonder where was a "Lucy" when I needed her?

We all deserve a "Lucy" to stand up for us, and teachers and administrators who have
zero tolerance for bullying.

And frankly, I think bullying isn't the right word anymore. What is happening in our
schools is a form of personal terrorism. Read any of the stories on CNN and other
media outlets and take a peek at the comment sections. They are filled with bullying
stories about kids who were thrown down stairs, beat up and bruised, kicked and
emotionally traumatized and threatened.

I'm glad you liked the video and thanks for your nice comments. :)

[awoke_in_2003]

21. I knew someone in high school...

who was a known claustrophobe. Punks locked him in a locker and walked away. I could not imagine the terror he went through before someone got the janitor. Never did find out who did it, and the victim was afraid to say- he claimed he didn't see them.

[Terra Alta]

14. I was always the shortest one in my class, too

I was often teased and sometimes even bullied about it. I never told anyone because I was afraid of retaliation once the teasers/bullies found out I "tattletaled".

Your daughter is very brave. I hope and pray she is left alone, and that if she is bullied again those in authority will do something about it. :hug:

[CoffeeCat]

17. I'm sorry about what you endured...

It is hard to be the shortest, tallest, thinnest or heaviest when you're young. Kids seem to
pick up on differences and just run with them as a reason for teasing and bullying.

It's just not fair.

I hope she is left alone as well. Bullying can be so random though. Sometimes people are zeroed in on, for
no reason at all. It's like they're just selected. Then the herd mentality takes over.

Thanks for your kind words about my daughter. :)

And I don't care what anyone says...short is cute. I bet you were adorable and I'm sorry that you weren't
treated the way you deserved to be treated. :hug:

[Terra Alta]

19. Thank you.

The good thing though is that I have come out a much stronger person because of it.

I'm just glad Facebook, YouTube, etc weren't around when I was in school. I can only imagine the torment I would have been put through.

I'm still very short(4'10") and I kind of like it that way :)

[bobbolink]

5. The pain of what you endured comes through your words.

:cry:

However, making this a personal rather than a societal problem not only solves nothing.... it allows it to escalate and increase.

I can't echo your sentiments... DON'T keep your heads down.., figure out a way to get adults to pay attention, or fight the hell back.

Suffering in silence is NOT the way to liberation.

I'm glad that you feel better about yourself. I just disagree with your "advice".

[Ruby the Liberal]

11. Bobbo, people like you and me fight and God bless us for standing up.

Sometimes kids fight too - but they need to know that we have their backs if they need to duck & dodge incoming fire.

:hug:

[bobbolink]

28. You are so right... The Democratic party ideals used to be people stood up and fought for what is

right, and fought especially for those who are vulnerable and can't so well speak for themselves.

Sometimes we are supported and appreciated, and sometimes we are vilified. But its our caring hearts that propel us forward.

Thank you for your voice, Ruby, and a special thanks for listening to what I had to say, and coming back with such a sweet and caring heart. :loveya:

Please read my post above:
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=9287844&mesg_id=9290509

I think its time to speak out LOUDLY, once again.

We Mothers can do this!

:hug:

[pacalo]

15. Ruby...

:hug:

It really does get better.

I just read in this morning's newspaper that Tim Gunn (Project Runway) is speaking out against the bullying via this http://thetrevorproject.tumblr.com">internet video; that he thought of suicide when he was younger:

short article




/corrected link

[bobbolink]

26. Qualifier... SOMETIMES it gets better. If it got better for you, that's great.

Some suffer their whole lives, and some end their lives.

When we claim that it always gets better, then we are, in effect, putting guilt on those for whom it does not.

If we truly want this to be the society it could be, then we have to hear the pain of others, and act on it to MAKE it better.

[pacalo]

33. Unfortunately, that's a good point about things sometimes not getting better.

I wish I were Samantha Stevens to correct so many injustices. I'm a fixer by heart & always help the underdog in any way I can.

[bobbolink]

37. I wish you could do that, too. Bless your heart for wanting to try.

I very much appreciate that you understand my point about not painting everything as having a good outcome. That is unfair to the suffering that so many go through.

Thanks! :yourock:

[Celebration]

18. now that I think about it

I was bullied in first grade,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,by a TEACHER!!

The students were great. My teacher was a bully.

Uh, have you ever gotten locked up in a cloak closet? For the offense of throwing up after eating a greasy lunch that you were forced to eat? At five years old? Thank God my mom figured out something was wrong. I ended up attending "private school" on a person's back porch.

To all bullied students: You are okay, and the problem is with THEM. I knew it at age five. Everyone needs to know that.

[CoffeeCat]

20. so happy to hear...

..that you had a loving, intuitive mother. Moving a student to a new school (especially
one on someone's back porch!) is a gutsy move. You're mom's got moxie!

So happy that she helped you and got you safe.

Do you remember your mother talking with you about this? It sounds like you knew that the problem
was with the teacher-bully--and not with you. Was that because of what your mother said?

What a happy story. :)

[Celebration]

25. it's a bit more complicated than that

Although I complained a lot about school, and refused to stay to eat lunch after that, I gave her no details of the incidents. This all made me listen to my own children a lot more carefully later, and have faith in them. I am not exactly sure what got her to move me. I think it was just I was just being a bit too much trouble for her--plus she felt sorry for me. Yeah, it was pretty gutsy of her. I had to pass some sort of test to get back into second grade later. It wasn't easy because half of the people on the back porch were in kindergarten, and over the summer I had forgotten what the minus sign meant. The back porch was disorganized chaos, and yet, a refuge. Mainly I got to take lunch that my mom made. That was heaven.

The story only fully came to my mom over the next few years. When she did talk about it, it was mostly in terms of calling my teacher bad names, words she never used about anyone else. She started hearing other stories about the teacher, who was actually fired from the school after the next year. Obviously the woman was mentally deranged. Later Mom was very proud of herself for taking me out of there when she did. I have to say that if I had a mom who had made me stay for lunch in that school all year, um, not sure what the consequences would have been. There were some other people at the school that were deliberately kind to me. That reinforcement was key, even though they had little power and could not stand up to the teacher. But I think about that a lot.

Being bullied is no fun, but if a person can overcome it, there are a few positive things that can come of it. Occasionally, what doesn't kill us makes us.............more aware.

Uh, never did really trust authority figures after that. :rofl:

The other kids were totally confused by all this. I was the kid that threw up after lunch and got screamed at by the teacher. They were kind but looked at me with puzzled expressions. They didn't know what to make of it but mostly empathized with me. That's not a wonderful feeling but much better than being bullied. I think that my normal kindergarten experience helped me have some perspective on all this-- at my young age.

[awoke_in_2003]

22. sorry you went through that...

and to think there are shows on TV (like "Bad Girls) that promote this kind of behavior. We are devolving.

[TK421]

23. Brings back lots of memories..and it started for me around 2nd or

3rd grade ( can't remember exactly ). In another thread related to bullying, someone had mentioned that their kid was bullied, and I suggested some self-defense classes; it worked

The part that really sucks about this? You have to actually resort to doing something like this in order to just get through school, and those Tae Kwon Do classes my Mom and Dad signed me up for cost a good chunk of cash.

By the way...I'm sure most of those kids who were laughing at you then are absolute failures in life now

[Odin2005]

24. Our society hates any child that cares more about acedemics than sports or partying.

Our elites fear an educated populace, so they are all for the "eccentric" kids being bullied.

[CraftyGal]

29. We need to continually look at and address school bullies....

I can tel you from personal experience how it affects you for the rest of your life. A poster mention smaller class sizes for starters I agree. A good example is my son, now 17. When we moved from BC to AB, he started to experience bullying. He was in french immersion in BC and we continued it in AB. However in BC you were taking only French until Grade 5, then in Grade 6 you worked on both English and French. In AB it doesn't work that way, so he was behind in English. Oh and by the way I read to him in English storybooks every night and he was getting help while in after school care. When we lived in a small town 10 mins drive from the big city, any form of bullying was addressed immediately and it was way easier to approach the parents who dealt with it right away. C had ADHD and poor social and impulse control issues. so he was a target plain and simple. The Dr said to put him in a social activity (choose Cubs until he was 12, then Air Cadets) and a physical activity, usually he was in soccer but one year he decided to try dance. That brought all kids of ridicule and we nipped it in the bud.

Fast forward 3 yrs later, he is in Grade 7 in a big city. I am working and I have him in an after school program (Chrystal Kids and Boys and Girls Club) as once kids turn 12 they are no longer eligible for after school care or financial help with sitters. I was getting assistance from social services even though I was working 3 jobs, this was before I met, then married TrogL. As he was only 12 years I wasn't allowing dating unless it was a group activity. He got targeted as being gay for some reason. As far as I know he isn't although I really don't care one way or the other, he is still my son. it was during this time he became suicidal and ended up on meds to help him. It was a very bad time for us. He fianlly ended up going to live with his grandparents in BC where he is doing much better. That brought on other issues but he is doing well.

The school wouldn't do anything about it either. In fact they had talked about suspending him and another student when he swarmed in a second floor bathroom. The other student turned out to be protecting him. He was also TrogL's son. C was always blamed for the bullying rather than the bulliers. The last straw came when I got a phone call from the school at work at 3:30 telling me that he had been injured at the lunch hour and had been in the nurses office all afternoon. My boss sent me home(she was so understanding)so I could deal with this. I took him to the Dr to make sure there was no detrimental injury as he had been hit on the back of the head near the neck pretty hard, enough to make him lose conscience for a minute. He went to Bc shortly after that.

CraftyGal

[Ruby the Liberal]

30. This is absolutely unacceptable.

Where are the adults? I am sorry that your son is living apart from you, but given his age, it sounds like he is on the cusp of LIFE now. I hope his senior year brings peace.

[CraftyGal]

35. It was the hardest decision to make however he is doing very well.

Where he was failing while living with me he is getting C's, B's and a couple of A's. He has learned how to play guitar and has written his own music and has won many numerous awards and scholarships. He is well loved by his peers.

Craftygal

[dsc]

32. that is horrible you have to move schools but I am glad for his sake you did

I do want to say one thing though. Please let him know, in no uncertain terms, that even if he is gay you will love him the same as if he were straight. Honestly you have to actually say those words for him to really know it.

[CraftyGal]

34. Oh he knows, I made sure of it. n/t

[dsc]

36. good for you

I don't think anyone straight can honestly know how the fear of telling the parents you are gay can be so overwhelming.