:D
Ancient History: Revisionism's Blank Canvas
6,000 BC: God creates entire planet just for America.
27 BC: Caesar Augustus becomes first person to employ the Obama Doctrine.
1 AD: First Founding Father born.
Revolutionary Era: God Founds a Country
April 1775: Paul Revere rides all night to Lexington shouting "the death panels are coming!"
c.1776: The Founders envision a new country that is uniquely American, but vaguely Swiss.
1779: Thomas Paine publishes controversial pamphlet calling George III a "raci∫t" with "a deep-∫eated hatred for white people or the white culture."
1787: Constitution's drafters include $10 tax on persons "imported" into country to teach immigrants the "value" of being American.
1787: Three-fifths compromise strikes major blow for racial equality.
c.1790: America achieves racial harmony.
1797: George Washington completes his term as America's first evangelical president.
c.1800: Woman overcomes crippling unattractiveness to participate in founding of country.
1801-1809: Thomas Jefferson signs every presidential document "Jesus Christ Superstar."
Pre-Civil War Era: Freedom Everywhere
c.1808: Slavery begins for real as government begins regulating slave trade.
1822: African Americans form Liberian colony as expression of the freedoms they enjoyed in antebellum America.
1828: American experiment ends disastrously with election of first Democratic president.
1830-1860: Slave system proves increasingly trying for white plantation owners.
1861: Civil War breaks out despite marked improvements in race relations.
Civil War and Reconstruction: Slavery Makes a Comeback
1870: Social justice successfully reestablishes slavery in the United States.
1886: France gifts the Statue of Liberty to the United States to mock snooty Europeans.
1895: Small group of British socialists invent American progressivism.
The Progressive Era: Teddy and the Time Bombs
1903: Progressives start clock on 100-year time bomb, hope nobody notices ticking sound.
November 8, 1904: Theodore Roosevelt celebrates election by shooting Constitution, moose.
1905: Roosevelt does... something with, um, railroads? And it was like cancer, sort of.
1906: Roosevelt signs Pure Food and Drug Act, brings fascism to America.
1910: Progressives pioneer the use of religion for political gain.
The Wilson Years: America's Dark Ages
1912: President Woodrow Wilson single-handedly proposes, passes, and ratifies 17th Amendment.
March 4, 1913: Woodrow Wilson inaugurated president.
March 5, 1913: Wilson establishes American gulag.
September 1913: Federal income tax enacted in direct violation of Constitutional provision that expressly permitted it.
April 1917: Woodrow Wilson drags country into World War I to end America's love affair with Germany.
August 1920: Women's suffrage guaranteed by 19th Amendment. No historical record exists of who was president at the time.
The Great Depression: Communism's Foot in the Door
August 2, 1923 - October 28, 1929: American economy completely healthy.
1933: American progressives elect Adolf Hitler Chancellor of Germany.
1934: Crusading patriotic American bravely exposes Jewish Communist scheme for racial intermixture infiltration of government.
1935: Soviet leader Joseph Stalin introduces legislation creating Social Security.
1938: President Roosevelt enjoys Depression too much to let it end.
World War II: Fascist Powers Duke it Out
December 7, 1941: Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor because Woodrow Wilson insulted them.
December 11, 1941: America goes to war with its economic idol, Benito Mussolini.
November 29, 1942: Kansas couple gives birth to communist.
April 12, 1945: America catches a lucky break with death of President Roosevelt.
Post-War Years: Commies!
February 1950: Sen. Joseph McCarthy alleges communist infiltration of State Department, an allegation so true it didn't need proving.
June 1952: McCarthy says more accurate things about communists infiltrating the government, flummoxing historians with his honesty.
December 2, 1954: Senate votes to censure McCarthy for being too truthful about communism.
The Civil Rights Era: Glenn Beck had a Dream
May 15, 1940: Civil rights icon Roger Ailes born.
August 28, 1963: Through divine providence, Dr. Martin Luther King delivers speech on exact spot where America's honor would be restored 47 years later.
1965: Dr. King modifies dream to incorporate attacks on big government.
1968: Four British social activists release two-part treatise on progressive plot to overthrow society, commonly known as The White Album.
The Reagan Years: Blow, Winds of Freedom, Blow
1981: Ronald Reagan cuts taxes 23 percent, revenues increase 4 billion percent.
1983: Federal spending as percentage of GDP hits unsustainable 23 percent. No historical record exists of who was president at the time.
1988: Reagan endorses Soviet constitution.
The Clinton Years: America Under Siege
1993: Antichrist avoids detection by donning pants suit.
1995: Connecticut man makes mistake of being Asian.
1997: Bill Clinton sells nuclear secrets to China, America rejoices.
1998: America warned that Osama bin Laden gets violent when his turban is too tight.
Modern Era: Revisionism on the Fly
October 2001: U.S. military begins hostilities against Afghanistan and the free market.
March 20, 2003: Iraq war begins amid much controversy and marketing potential.
August 22, 2006: The Rapture. Armageddon destroys earth and all its inhabitants.
September 21, 2008: $700 billion bank bailout proposed, praised as right thing to do.
September 21, 2009: $700 billion bank bailout revealed as the worst thing ever that no one ever liked. Ever.
December 2009: Franklin Roosevelt rises from grave to give socialism another go.
March 22, 2010: House passes historic health care legislation, millions die.
August 28, 2010: Geese fly over people talking on National Mall, country saved.
The Future: Eventual History
2011: Raising of retirement age prompts nationwide violence by union members.
2012: American republic fails. Again.
2019: Medicare and Social Security abolished. Elderly happy to no longer be socialists.
2020: Department of Education abolished. Federal budget immediately balanced.
August 28, 2110: America celebrates Becksgiving centennial on 100th anniversary of country's corner-turning.
http://mediamatters.org/blog/201010190025
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