Would you evaluate a friend more by their political orientation or by how they treat you personally?

[begin_within]

It's kind of a dilemma for me, I have a friend who I have known for 16 years who has been supportive and faithful through thick and thin. He recently helped and advised me after a burglary at my house (where I encountered the 3 burglars at 6:30 a.m in nothing but my underwear and had a taser pointed shown to me for a second). He has given me plenty of advice and never fails to keep in touch with me just to see how I am doing. The odd thing is that he is a very deep right-winger and has been all his life. He told me once that he was tearing down McGovern signs in his neighborhood at the age of 12. He owns 120 guns and hates gun laws and "fucking California liberals." I think he realizes I'm liberal but he just can't help himself sometimes. When he starts talking politics I just shut up completely until he realizes it's going nowhere and starts talking about something else. He also uses the n-word and the f-word once in a while. It's odd, because normally I would never allow a person with his beliefs to become such a close friend to me, but over the years it has become a valuable friendship, in spite of his beliefs and attitudes which are so different from mine. He has been loyal, caring, interesting and funny and non-judgemental towards me, even if he is harshly judgemental to segments of society which he has hatred for, some of which I am part of. Have you been in such a situation?

[patricia92243]

1. Really good friends are hard to find - just as much as true love. Keep the friend!!

[Frustratedlady]

2. I have seen the same type a couple times.

They are called "former" friends or acquaintances. There are too many level headed people I can develop friendships with, so why bother myself with radicals?

Your comment about the hatreds he has would bother me most.

[begin_within]

4. I think his use of the n-word is based on his own experiences... when he lived in

Altadena, California, which has a large African-American population, his house was broken into 8 times in 3 years. He said he didn't feel that way formerly but does now based on what has happened to him in his life.

[AlinPA]

3. I have had these situations and I avoid the people unless it is impossible.

For example, I often see a guy (like your friend) at the mall or a restaurant and he comes up to me and wants to chat; I am polite to him, but I never approach him when I see him. I can't stand being around him. I have been invited to social events where he is present and I decline. He has lost a lot of "friends" since he started his right wing looney garbage.

[Demeter]

5. Would You Do the Same for This Friend As He Does For You?

If so, it is a friendship. If not, you are using a man. Just so you have clarity about why you do things. It really doesn't matter why anybody else does.

[patricia92243]

8. Oh man! That is such a GOOD ansswer - to this particular situation and to every person's experience

Great!

[begin_within]

11. I have done many things for him over the years, but I don't see it as a "doing

each other favors" type of relationship, it's not based on that, it was originally based on common interests but it has just sort of grown into a more personal friendship now. Yes, I would do the same for him and I have.

[Demeter]

22. It's Not About Doing Favors--It's Reciprocity

If you treat each other as equals : Golden Rule : then you are able to be friends (or whatever).

If there is an imbalance, then it isn't a friendship.

[begin_within]

23. Sometimes there are imbalances, but they are only temporary.

[Demeter]

24. Then I Think You Have a Good Friend

and political positions do change, sometimes, for some people. And after all, it never hurts to have a friend in the opposition, if worse come to that.

Rent Fiddler on the Roof--Watch the interaction between Tevyeh and the Police Captain.

[Gormy Cuss]

6. Sometimes the extension of their political beliefs becomes the deal breaker.

A friend who believes the opposite of me on matters like war and size of government can still be my friend. Someone who thinks that anyone of a different race/ehtnicity deserves to be called by derogatory terms has crossed the line. Someone who believes that homosexuality is wrong because it's against the tenets of their faith can be my friend, but someone who calls LGBT people by derogatory terms and demands that they have no right to live as who they are can't be my friend either.

And because I don't enjoy arguing politics with ideologues, I wouldn't get into a political discussion with someone who makes broad brush statements about liberals knowing that I am one. That's just rude and inconsiderate and a true friend wouldn't treat me that way.

[LeftishBrit]

16. I'm pretty much the same

I can be friends with people who vote Tory, or are much more socially conservative than I am; but if they have and show hatred for particular groups, that would make things difficult to me. E.g. some of my friends have very different views from me on the general costs and benefits of immigration, but when someone (whom I tolerate because she's a close relative of a friend of mine) started muttering about East Europaean (and seemingly legal) immigrant workers in a restaurant where we were eating: "We don't need ANY more immigrants! I'm sick of it! I'm sick of it!" with a venomous expression on her face - that definitely ruled her out from being my soulmate. Some of my older friends and relatives are against gay marriage, etc.; but they still treat my gay friends decently - if they didn't, I wouldn't want them as friends.

I know people who voted for Thatcher and still miss her, but would still always be helpful to a person who has fallen on hard times; I have also known people who described themselves as far-left, but were quick to show contempt and impatience for individuals who weren't raising themselves by their bootstraps. Except in the voting booth (which of course can be important!) I would consider the first group more liberal at heart than the latter.

[BOSSHOG]

7. Interesting question that I deal with everyday

My neighbors on both sides are bush supporters. One is a prick, the other is the best neighbor a person could have. One thinks his shit don't stink and is god's gift to the neighborhood, the other would do anything and give us anything he could (and has done) without blinking an eye. His wife is the same way. They were a godsend after Katrina. I guess that doesn't answer your question but you can imagine how I consider the two.

[mrcheerful]

9. It's strange but you got me to thinking about the friendships I have had over the last 50

years. The ones that voted democratic and were closer to my views on american life have screwed me over a few times, but then turned around and after the anger was gone they did things for me that more then made up for the screwing. They are still in my life.

Now the ones who leaned republican and talked all the moral values crap. When they screwed me over, once the anger was over and they started coming back around did very little to make up for the screwing and I ended up doing more for them then they did for me, then turn around as soon as I stopped doing for them and screw me once again. Those people are no longer in my life and I lost all contact with them.

Funny thing is the ones who voted democratic if I haven't seen them in a few years when we do get together its like we never been away. I never had that with the republican friends, it seems like you just met them and they distrust your motives for contacting them. Maybe its that self centered ego thing. I noticed that after a republican friend went into the army and came back a total dick. I also had a democratic friend that served at the same time and he came back after 4 years and it was like he never left.

[Annces]

10. When I see how easily people divide on this board on controversial issues

I think the same must go on in their personal lives. I think a lot of wives and husbands probably either don't have strong opinions contrary to their spouse or they keep them quiet, and let one partner do all the talking.

[slackmaster]

12. I had a girlfriend who was a Republican fundamentalist creationist welfare mom

Go figure.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

13. People Can Choose Friends Based On Whatever Merits They Want. Personally, Political Affiliation Is

meaningless to me and I couldn't fathom for a second using that as a weighing factor in their value as a friend.

[Zywiec]

14. I have friends who vote both Red and Blue

Conversation always gets interesting after several beers, but in the end we will always be friends just like the last 35 years. In most places, politics is not the only thing in people's lives.

[Neecy]

15. I might be able to deal with the wingnuttery...

But not the racism, and I wouldn't just sit back and let him say racist crap without calling him on it. Tell him it offends you and if the friendship is important to HIM, and not just you, he'll knock it off.

I don't have any close friends who are RW, but I've found myself in similar situations. A couple of years ago an ice storm knocked down a huge tree branch onto my power line and I was without electricity for a couple of days. My RW Christian fundie neighbor came by on day 2 with a full take-out meal from a local joint and she just said, "I thought you'd like some hot food tonight." She refused to let me pay her for it. I was floored by the thoughtfulness, especially since she knows I'm a raging liberal. People are people and you have to occasionally look beyond the surface differences.

[blondeatlast]

17. Friends have character flaws, although I'd call this one a big one.

Still, friends are hard to find. Keep this one and do as I was taught, don't discuss politics or religion unless you all can agree.

There is a bigger world out there. Emjoy it, too.

[bamacrat]

18. Most of my friends probably identify themselves as Republicans...

But, i do live in Alabama, and the only reason they do so is because of the gay stance, and their dumbass parents.

[kerry-is-my-prez]

19. Both - But I live in a 60+% Repub. area - Some people complain about my commentaries on BushCo

It has done some good though - I have changed some minds. Sometimes they may not agree at first - but then something happens to reinforce what I told them or they might think about it.

[guitar man]

20. no brainer for me

I have a co-worker who is also a close friend. He is also a Conservative Christian Republican.

Yesterday, I bought a used travel trailer to place in an RV park as a "home away from home" since my work is almost 100 miles from my house. The trailer requires a "fifth wheel" type hitch, which I needed installed in my truck to pull it, which is no small feat to put in.

He has an auto body/repair shop on the side in addition to the job here, so he told me to bring it on down and we would install the hitch. He worked on installing it until 2:00a.m. this morning, on a weeknight when he had to get up for work today and would not take a single dime from me for doing it.

When I insisted on paying him, he waved me off and said, "I have had a lot of people help me in life, it's the least I can do to help someone else"

I don't know about anyone else, but that kind of stuff makes differences in politics seem a bit trivial to me.

[rucky]

21. Political differences set limits to the friendship...

but it's not a dealbreaker.

[JerseygirlCT]

25. Not with friends, but with family

I think you continue to value the friendship, and try to keep politics out of it.

Personally, that wouldn't extend to listening to racist language, though. I'd tell him flat out that I don't care to hear that.

There have been a few real set-to's with some family members over this. It ends up causing very bad feelings all around, changes nothing, and just leaves everyone sore and hurting. For me, not worth it. And there's always the hope that by example, you're opening his mind to other possibilities.

[guitar man]

27. I hear you there

My sister is a Republicon and we just agreed not to talk about any of it, it doesn't do any good. Doesn't mean she isn't my sis and it didn't keep me from naming my daughter after her.

Hopefully, this chapter in American history will close before it rips all of us apart.

[JerseygirlCT]

29. Exactly! nt

[Fleshdancer]

26. Better to have a good republican friend than a Democratic friend that treats you badly

The idea that people should only form friendships with those who believe the same things or act the same way makes me uncomfortable. I think there's a lot to gain from having friends of different races, religions, sexual orientation, gender, socioeconomic background, political ideology, etc.

At the end of the day, this person sounds like a good friend to you and that's what matters.

[lonestarnot]

28. accck! Couldn't read all of your post. Just get the fuck rid of that. I

knew one for almost 40 years... outta here. Haven't seen hide nor hair of that in about 3 years now.

[benEzra]

30. The day everybody decides that they can't be friends with people who believe differently...

is the day America turns into the Balkans.

Friendship should be able to transcend differences of opinion. If your friend treats you right (i.e., is a REAL friend), that should be all that matters.