Obama Tells Nation He's Going Out for Cigarettes

[HopeOverFear]

WASHINGTON—During a nationally televised address Tuesday, a visibly tired and worn President Obama informed the country that he was going out for a pack of cigarettes and would be back in 10 minutes or so.


At press time, it was already getting dark and he had not yet returned.

"My fellow Americans, a year ago I was elected to the office of president of the United States," Obama said. "With that responsibility comes a lot of expectations. A lot of pressure. I inherited a trillion-dollar deficit, two wars, a financial system in crisis, and a failing health care industry. I've been trying to piece it all back together, you know? Trying to be the man everyone elected me to be. The man of this White House. But sometimes—sometimes it's like I'm suffocating."

"Anyway, I'm going to go get some smokes, but I'll…be right back," added Obama, his voice trembling slightly. "Don't wait up."

Following the unexpected announcement, a solemn Obama reportedly grabbed his keys, hugged his two daughters for what witnesses called an extended period of time, kissed his wife on the forehead, and quietly whispered, "I love you."

Secret Service agents later confirmed that a half-tearing, half-smiling Obama was greeted by Vice President Joe Biden in the White House Rose Garden. Kneeling on the lawn, Obama reportedly told "Big Joe" that he would be in charge of the country for a while, and that the vice president should keep an eye on Iraq and Iran while he was out.

[knowbody0]

1. it's the neverending story

and the great nothingness is threatening all of us.

[LooseWilly]

2. Wow, nice use of black absentee father stereotypes, +1000

:sarcasm:

[Drunken Irishman]

3. Nelson Muntz is black?

[HopeOverFear]

7. lol

[LooseWilly]

11. Nelson Muntz is a father?

[Kurt_and_Hunter]

4. Nice confirmation of stereotypic humorlessness on the left

[ElboRuum]

6. Ain't that the truth.

I'll have to consult my "Unacceptable Humor Quick Reference Card" to find the appropriate level of disgust and rage I'm supposed to feel about the article, and the amount of shame I'm supposed to feel for finding it humorous.

PROTIP: IT'S FUCKING HUMOR. LAUGH A LITTLE, DAMMIT!

:banghead:

[LooseWilly]

16. Make sure you consult the card that includes acceptable behaviors for :sarcasm:

Or you might try actually reading more than just the headline before you go into a self-righteous fit...

[ElboRuum]

17. So what you're REALLY trying to say is...

Your :sarcasm: was sarcastic of your own sarcasm? I get that you were being sarcastic. When you say "Nice use of blah, blah, blah" you mean to say the opposite. So when you say the above, you really mean that you ARE offended by it. Pardon me if that's not what you meant to... um... mean.

[LooseWilly]

12. Sorry... explanation of the full extent of the uses of sarcasm tag seemed awkward.

Also funny, to me, how quickly defensive many here got... :rofl:

[Kurt_and_Hunter]

14. My apologies! You achieved the verisimilitude of excellent satire

I didn't look inside the post

[LooseWilly]

15. Heh, thank you...

You are certainly not the only one.
(Though, I will admit I semi-sadistically put it together so that it could be easily misinterpreted whether it was the "stereotype" part that was sarcasm, or the +1000... when actually I meant it to sort of be both...)

[PopSixSquish]

8. It's Called Satire - Look it up!

[HopeOverFear]

9. My bad, I should have made it clear that it was The Onion

oops! :-D

[LooseWilly]

13. It was actually labelled :sarcasm: ... look that up...

[jberryhill]

21. My White Great Uncle Did That

Went out for smokes for twenty years. No kidding.

[kimmerspixelated]

5. Wow, I thought this was real!

Good one!

[Deja Q]

10. Then I demand the insurance companies deny him coverage for a preexisting condition.

:popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn::popcorn:

:popcorn:


(just kidding; being born is enough of a preexisting condition to the insurance companies.)

[HughMoran]

18. Onion

lol

[AspenRose]

19. In characteristic fashion, Biden cuts to the chase

"While the first lady remained confident of her husband's return, citing Obama's tendency to take long walks, Vice President Biden said he saw something in Obama's eyes that told him otherwise.

"He's gone," Biden said. "He's gone, and he ain't never coming back."

:rofl:

[cali]

20. ugh and a hearty unrec. there's something really rancid about this.

[Divine Discontent]

26. I agree. I don't approve of the Admin a whole lot right now, but this Onion bit is tacky or worse.

I wish people would post this stuff as "Onion:", then the fake story.

[ShortnFiery]

22. The Onion is "too cool." K & R.

[arcadian]

23. Add The Onion to the list of "thrown under the bus"

Things are turning real grey and drab when DUers no longer find humor in the Onion and Jon Stewart. It says something about our direction, really it does.

[FrenchieCat]

24. Who's bus?

Seems like different folks drive different buses around here.
Guess there are different routes, hey?
So are you sure Jon Stewart and the Onion were thrown under the same bus?
Cause those in this thread that might seem critical of a humor piece,
aren't necessarily giant Obama supporters. So it doesn't appear
that the Onion has any Obama bus skidmarks on it.

As for Jon Stewart, all I know is that the man drives his own damn bus!
and everyone will be under there at some point....which with biting comedy,
is as it should be! :headbang:

[smoochpooch]

25. "Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack... I went out for a ride and I never went back" nt