OK. I've decided to run for President. Why not? Other unqualified folk do.

[struggle4progress]

So the next time you see a thread yammering about a bunch of obscure wacko candidates who don't have a chance of getting on the ballot except as write-ins by people who drink too much, remember me! I haven't decided yet whether I'll use Facebook or Twitter: maybe I'll just white-paste my campaign ads on streetlight poles

I'm going to run as a centrist with something for everyone. Here's my platform so far

Anti-Blasphemy Law Separating Church and State
Pull religious language off our money and out of the Pledge. I will tell liberal audiences it's about separation of church and state. I will tell conservative audiences it's all about stopping government blasphemy

Federal marriage, divorce, and alimony amendment
Allow everybody to get married, divorced, and pay alimony. I will tell liberal audiences it's about rolling back all those stupid state constitutional amendments. I will tell conservative audiences it's so gays and lesbians can get divorced and pay alimony just like homophobes do

Marijuana Tax Reform
Repeal the Marijuana Tax Act of 1937. I will tell liberal audiences it's about ending the war on drugs. I will tell conservative audiences it's all about tax reform

End the War on Christmas
If a military adventure isn't ended before 25 December, raise everybody's taxes go up by 50%, bring all the volunteers home, and reinstitute the draft. I will tell liberal audiences it's about ending war. I will tell conservative audiences it's about ending the war on Christmas

[Voice for Peace]

1. very good, you have my vote.

[LAGC]

2. I'd vote for you, s4p.

I didn't know who I was going to write-in on my 2012 ballot either, but now I have options.

[struggle4progress]

3. If anybody actually writes me in as a candidate, I'm going to fire up my time machine

and go back to make sure that person's grandparents never ever meet