My Grandpa is Getting Increasingly Racist in His Old Age

[LAGC]

First of all, he's not my biological grandfather, he's my mom's step-dad. So at least he's not related by blood.

But he has this terrible habit of sending everyone in the extended family these off-colored joke e-mails.

Well, today he crossed the line with my dad, and my dad usually votes Republican.

His "joke" of the day was an e-mail that started out innocent enough: "Wonder why its so cold outside?" and had a picture of American Revolutionary war troops camping out in winter. At first I thought it was going to be some jab against global warming.

Then you have to scroll down and it says: "Because our Founding Fathers said it would be a cold day in hell before a black man became president."

My dad "replied to all" and called him on his racist bullshit and told him he was going to block his future e-mails if he keeps it up.

I already knew better than to give him my new e-mail address, so I didn't see it coming. But I think this could be a rallying moment, to turn the whole extended family against him for his right-ward drift ever since my grandmother passed away. He's becoming increasingly isolated and surrounds himself with some very conservative old white fogeys at his Rotary Club meetings who are stuck in the past and can't live down the fact that we have a Black president. I'm tired of putting up with his antics.

Do any of you have grandparents like that, that you'd just like to disown?

[Celeborn Skywalker]

1. My great-great grandma

lived in Mississippi. I barely remember her but I do know she supported the Klan, had a few nephews in the Klan, and on her death bed refused to allow a black nurse to give her care. Hatred is a sad and soul-destroying thing. Luckily my great-grandma broke the chain of hatred on that side of my family. She moved away from Mississippi when there was a lynching of a black man within five miles of her house and settled here in New Mexico and ended up being best friends with a Mexican family that lived next door.

[Fridays Child]

2. Bravo to your dad for calling him out!

[Trajan]

3. Nobody sends me those ...

They know better ....

Then again: I rarely speak to the 'right' side of the family ....

[RichGirl]

4. I live most of my life up north...

Moved down south twenty years ago. Incredible culture shock. The "N" word was a commonly used discription of any black person. It was not even meant to be derogatory. Like if you asked where you could get fresh crabs...they may say: there's a guy with a beard down at the pier....or...there's a "N" down at the pier. But that wasn't the worst...some still used the term darkies. We had hired an old black guy to do yard work and he would never make eye contact with us and he called my husband "masah" even though he repeatedly told him to call him by his first name. So sad.

[Skittles]

5. I would not put up with racism from anyone, family included

you did right

[southernyankeebelle]

6. Well am a grandparent I concern myself a social democratic. I don't believe

in racism. I grew up in a military family and my parents taught us everyone was the same. My daughter-in-law's grandpa is a racist and is working poor but he wouldn't vote for Obama because he was black. He is a racist. He hates black, hispanics anyone that isn't white. I don't talk to him. My daughter-in-law has been around my family and she is liberal in her thinking and is nothing like them. I just keep reminding my granddaughter that everyone is the same and to be nice to everyone. You aren't the only one that has those problems. Just don't listen to him. Live your own life. Your young and your generation is going to make it better. You can't see it now but you will when you get older. I'm 63 yrs old but my liberal ways have never changed.

[Old Troop]

41. Interesting that you should say that about the military. When

I retired from the army and moved to MA, my daughters were appalled by the common racism in the public schools that they attended (the had only attended on-post schools previously).

[TlalocW]

7. Not necessarily disown but one of them has written me off, and the others...

And the others have finally figured out not to send me their right-wing emails because they know I will reply all (as well as reply to all emails in the forwarded headers in the email body) and pick them apart piece by piece.

In fact, my mom thanked me recently because they stopped sending her the right-wing emails as well because they figured out she was forwarding them to me to pick them apart. :)

TlalocW

[Kaleva]

8. He'll never change his views if you and the rest of your family isolate him.

I have and have had older relatives like your grandfather but that didn't preclude me from fixing things at their homes, driving them to their doctor's appointments, visiting them in the hospital and being a pallbearer when the time came. Family is family.

It won't be long before you never get another e-mail from your grandfather again. You may not be able to change his views on certain issues but I'd suggest that you don't isolate yourself from him because he'll be gone forever soon.

[Mimosa]

9. Exactly.

I don't want to explain for the 100th time on D.U. but here goes. It's not always true that people who are aging sometimes say outrageous or racist things, but it happens. The synapses in some -even most- seniors brains are decaying.

People who haven't spent time visiting in nursing homes -or volunteering- have no idea. Alzheimer's patients who were never racists might say 'racist' things, for instance.

[enough]

13. Thanks Mimosa. (nt)

[Beacool]

15. Yep, family is family.

If people were to stop talking to every family member who disagrees with their views, none of us would be talking to many in our families. Although, I have no problem with this man's son in law telling him that his racist email was inappropriate. The old guy has a right to his opinions, but not to impose them on other remembers of his family.

;)

[Badfish]

35. I disagree.

"He'll never change his views if you and the rest of your family isolate him."

Implying that he would change his mind if told the truth is absurd , it's not how these people work.

Treating a racist as a equal , and showing them the same respect you would a rational person is part of the problem.

Respect isn't handed out like candy being thrown from a float at a parade , it's earned.

[Kaleva]

39. And for sure he'll never change his opinion if isolated.

It's the easy way out and I don't feel much respect for those who bail out on family members just because they may not meet their standards.

I do feel respect for those that have gone great lengths to change the opinions and/or actions of members of their family even if they fail in the end. At least they tried.

[Badfish]

40. How long do you try ?

..And when you fail do you just throw your arms up and say 'oh well' ?

Or do you tell them they have now traveled down a path that you just can't follow them down ? ..You are not leaving them , they are leaving you , by choice.

I don't treat racist homophobic bigots with respect , I don't treat them as equals , but thats just me.

[Kaleva]

43. It won't end till I finally die myself.

But most of them being in their 60's, 70's, and 80's will pass on before I do. My own health isn't that good and I don't think I'll see 60.

[vaberella]

10. ~sigh~ It's tough being Black. n/t

[Drunken Irishman]

11. My great uncle...

I love him. He's been a great guy to me. He owned a business in Watts during the riots in 1965 and after that event, he really turned against black people. I don't think he was ever outwardly racist toward people, but inside, it certainly showed.

Well he's also a life-long Democrat (as was my grandma, his sister, and their other siblings). Yet in 2008, he wouldn't support Obama. My great aunt refused to drive him to the polling place because she didn't want him casting his vote for McCain, so I'm not sure if he voted or not.

I've talked to him a few times and maybe he's warmed up to Obama - but yeah, it's embarrassing and sad. He's a good guy, but how good of a guy is he really if he's racist? :/

[Beacool]

14. Are you sure he didn't want to vote for Obama due to his race?

Maybe he just didn't like him.

:shrug:

[dionysus]

17. ahem. you DO want a you-know-what... don't you?

:D

[Beacool]

20. I'm just asking.

I hear a lot of people say that those who don't like or support Obama do so because he's black. Well, some of it may be true, but plenty of people despised Clinton and Bush. Last time I checked they were as white as they come.

BTW, I couldn't respond to you at the thread about Assange because they locked it.

:hi:

[Drunken Irishman]

19. Yes.

He told my great aunt he couldn't vote for a black person. Doesn't get anymore definitive than that, right?

[Beacool]

22. Well, then he has some issues he needs to resolve.

It makes no sense to dislike someone due to their race, religion, gender or sexual orientation.

:(

[vaberella]

38. A good number of people didn't vote for Obama due to his race.

Trumpka even talked about this in one of his speeches. Don't marginalize the faction. It's large and strong in the Democratic base. It's even reflected from time to time on DU.

[Beacool]

42. Well, that's pretty silly.

It's no secret that I don't care for Obama, but to me he is as white as he is black. In other words, I see him as biracial. Besides, his father was mostly absent from his life. It was his mom and grandma who raised them. There are some people who may take issue with his race, but it's ridiculous because no one has a choice in the matter. On the other hand, to assume that all those who dislike him due so for racial reasons is over simplistic and not true.

[Demeter]

12. When a child can forgive his elders their failings and love them as they are

then that child is an adult, even before his elders mature. Mind you, I'm not including violent crime in the category of failings...

[Jennicut]

16. My Grandmother's boyfriend had the same issues. He actually disowned his daughter because

she married a black man. Very sad, in my opinion. Lost out on knowing his grandchildren too. I used to listen to his rants against those different from him for years. My Grandmother stayed with him for 10 years, they were practically married. I still loved my grandmother so I put up with this guy all through my teens and into my twenties and then he died of a stroke. I couldn't change the man but I think my family managed to show some unconditional love and what family really means to him by always being there for my Grandmother if she needed us.

[Empowerer]

18. I don't see what's racist about the email

Of course, it may have a lot to do with context and your step-grandfather's previous history - maybe he has a pattern of sending offensive material. But this particular email doesn't strike me as racist or offensive. It doesn't denigrate, make fun of or stereotype any minority. I actually think it's kind of funny - especially if it was originally intended to tweak the Founding Fathers.

That said, I do think it's great that you and your father are sensitive to these kinds of things and are willing to call people out when you think something is offensive.

[Liberal_Stalwart71]

21. Perhaps it was latent racism that manifested itself after Obama was elected?

I believe that there is latent racism that is not realized. And people who don't consider themselves racists and have never been racists, suddenly an event occurs that brings those feelings to the surface.

[JoePhilly]

24. See my comment #23 ... similar ideas, but somewhat flipped.

[JoePhilly]

23. I think I can explain this ... have seen it.

He has not become "more racist" as he ages.

I would suggest that his ability to hold down his racist thoughts and keep them private, is failing, as he ages.

After the civil rights movement, many racists had to push their overt racist behavior down, down down. This is why the term "n****r is rarely used, but "welfare queen" or "inner city thug" came to be. The racists have moved to code words and phrases. And they have always BEEN PISSED that they had to do so.

Imagine the power of being able to win any argument with one word simple ... n****r!!

When they lose that power, they were, and remain PISSED.

As people age, and the confront their own mortality, inhibitions start to drop ... including those that are racist in nature. And so as they end nears, they start to speak the truth that they had to "hold down".

I suspect that he is not becoming more racist, but that his ability to hide his pre-existing racism may be failing.

[A Brand New World]

25. I'm glad to read this interpretation. I deal with the same thing

as the OP with my step-dad who is in his 70's. He has always been a Democrat but would not vote for Obama because he is black. Absolutely nothing I say will change his mind. He knows that I even volunteered for Obama's campaign but will still not hold his tongue at family get-togethers. I almost lost it at Christmas because he started saying snide things practically the moment we sat down for dinner. I'm actually shocked with his attitude because this man has been my step-dad since I was 16, 40 years ago, and he has never shown this type of attitude before. It's been a struggle dealing with it. But I can't tear my family apart so I try to be patient & point out the good things and dispel the untruths he picks up on the radio, etc. I believe he's started listening to Limbaugh & some of the other morons.

[JoePhilly]

33. Ugh ... my grandmother was similar.

I'd heard her use the n-word a few times when I was a kid, and I think my mother must have told her to knock it off because there was a very long stretch where I did not hear her use it. But, there were subtle things she would do or say, like describe a particular black person as "one of the good ones", with the intent clearly being that the majority were not "good ones".

When she hit her 70s, the n-word resurfaced, and my sister and I had to tell her not to use it in front of our kids. And she made it clear that she did not like her grand children telling her what she could and could not say.

And, she'd say things like "I didn't mean anything by it", and "I'm not a racist or anything like that".

We found that disengaging any discussion in which she went in that direction was our best defense. If she said something like that, we'd immediately change the topic, go to the bathroom, take the kids outside, something. And after a while, it became less frequent.

I can only imagine what she'd have been like if she had listened to Limbaugh or one of the current crop of whackos.

[MessiahRp]

30. +1

Terrific post. :)

Rp

[Honeycombe8]

46. That's what I was thinking, too. nt

[bhikkhu]

26. Sad to say, but I think its common

I hear some pretty radical hate-speech where I work, and as a rule its always from people over 65. Whether it has to do with declining mental faculties or simply with the baggage they carry growing up, I don't know, but nobody I've come across can hate like old people can hate. Sometimes its hard to square that with the "Greatest Generation" idea.

[Arkana]

27. My only living grandparents are my grandmothers.

Cancer killed one grandfather at age 60, Alzheimer's took the other.

One grandmother is 92 and so senile that she's in a nursing home. The other is an angry racist who lives in Florida and voted for Nader. This woman literally sent me back the Stieg Larsson books I gave her for Christmas because "they have 'dykes' and 'lesbians' in them!" No kidding.

So yeah, if I could disown her, I probably would.

[riderinthestorm]

28. Some of us actually have parents like this. And yes, I'd like to disown my mother.

She's a hideous racist, bigot, Rethug of the worst order.

I do call her every week faithfully. I host all family get-togethers (where she knows any bullshit racist or misguided political talk will be vociferously put down). I am there for her when she needs me.

But it's hard for me. Very hard. She wants to provoke me. And she revels in the times that she does. When that happens I actually have to physically draw back to another room. Give her space, tell her I will provide her my evidence of my position in writing, and then the next day, I do so. I usually mail my evidence to her. She has never, once, commented on my follow ups.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Good luck. :hug:

[MessiahRp]

31. My parents are like this...

My Mom is a racist in denial. She once said she wouldn't vote for Obama because she didn't want him to give black people all the power and have them be in control. I continued dialogue with her and she eventually came around to vote for Obama, though it might have been partially out of the shame that she was made to feel for how blatantly racist some of the things she said were. For Mother's Day in 2008, they had a Mother's Day card with a campaign theme that had a campaign style button and everything and it said, "Vote for me for Mother of the Year!" and I wrote underneath it, "Unless I'm black because the last thing we want to do is give everything to those black people."

She was not amused.

Rp

[Name removed]

29. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[vaberella]

37. Yup. n/t

[Papagoose]

32. My grandmom was a huge racist

True story...

My Grandfather, on his deathbed, gave my Grandmom some instructions; always drive Chevrolets and always vote Democratic. Years after his death, Grandmom dutifully pulled the straight Democratic lever, casting a vote for Wilson Goode, the first African-American mayor of Philadelphia. Oh, the fun my Dad had getting her to stammer and sputter trying to reconcile how she voted for a black man while at the same time spouting off about "those people" who were ruining "her city".

I love and miss my Grandmom...her racism was a part of her upbringing, but still wrong.

[Odin2005]

34. Dementia often releases socially inhibited behavior.

Maybe he always had those views, he just didn't say it.

[zulchzulu]

36. Racists need to be reminded they are saying stupid shit

Good for your Dad.

[Mimosa]

44. Go to a nursing home.

Listen to elderly black people rave about N word people over and over. Older people sometimes have mental deterioration and compassion is called for not judgment.

[Swede]

45. Fox news sure ain't helping.