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AP: Gunbattles, open cannibalism, "flying demon wizards" engulf Asian Stock Markets

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Poll_Blind Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-11 04:36 PM
Original message
AP: Gunbattles, open cannibalism, "flying demon wizards" engulf Asian Stock Markets
From Assocaited Press:
Tokyo - Traders at the Nikkei stock exchange knew they were going to be in for a rough day on Monday with debt reduction talks having fallen apart in Washington, DC. But they were poorly prepared for the shocking carnage that arrived with the opening bell.

"I was walking into the exchange with my portfolio and conferring with my assistants when I heard the opening bell ring and at that very instant a spiritual apparition resembling some kind of ancient wizard swooped down and snatched two of my best assistants, presumably to a nether-plane of hellish torment. I have good interns though and we were going to continue our trading day as usual if it wasn't for the small arms fire coming out of the precious metals pit." said Michiko Fujiwara, long-time trader at the Nikkei.

Similar stories came out of the Hang Seng and Shagnhai stock exchanges as markets opened across Asia: Heavily-armed traders waited patiently outside stock markets in the early morning, took positions at their various security trading stations and began directing small arms fire and possibly home-made mortars onto other parts of the trading floor on hearing the opening bell.

Most disturbing were reports of Chinese Black Magic being openly used on the floor of the Shanghai and Nikkei stock exchanges.

One trader was quoted by China Daily as saying "It was surreal. A suicide bomber had taken out most of Wheat Futures and we didn't think there were any survivors. We saw movement and started to make our way there to finish them off when we saw that it was, in fact, a small group of summoned skeletal warriors feasting on the bodies to steal what little life force remained."

--snip--

At the time of this writing, markets were considering an early close but wanted to continue monitoring the situation. Black magics in all forms were barred from the trading floors of most major stock exchanges in the late 1950's.


PB
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Adsos Letter Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-11 04:40 PM
Response to Original message
1. "home-made mortars"
Wow. Must be a high ceiling in there! :D
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scarletwoman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-11 04:48 PM
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2. No dragons?
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Poll_Blind Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-11 04:51 PM
Response to Reply #2
3. They're on strike over the declining quality of virgin sacrifices.
:hide:

PB
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sudopod Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-11 04:52 PM
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4. Absurd!
I watched Voldemort get his! He's superdead.
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Capitalocracy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-11 04:57 PM
Response to Original message
5. Now covering the Asian business news for the AP:
Hunter Thompson on massive amounts of peyote.
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JHB Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-11 04:58 PM
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6. Picture from the scene...
...just befor all contact was lost with the photographer:
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AnnieBW Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-11 08:24 PM
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7. Voldemort in Japan?
Did the Dementors need a new job?
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Motown_Johnny Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Sun Jul-24-11 08:31 PM
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8. So........ short Toyota and Honda?
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