An Open Letter to Our Valued Clients

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July 28, 2011

From: Sales/Customer Service Depts.
Main Office Building
East Capitol Street, NE and 1st Street, NE
Washington, DC 20002

To: Our Valued Clients (Various Locations)

Re: Temporary Policy Changes

Dear Valued Clients:

First, let us say that it continues to be our pleasure to serve you. Because of our organization’s unique position as a monopoly supplier of the services we offer, we appreciate the opportunity to meet with and provide assistance to a such a diverse clientele. Whether you are in banking, insurance, healthcare, defense, energy, or just a typical member of the Chamber of Commerce, we will always do our utmost to fulfill your needs.

Unfortunately, we must announce a temporary change in our policy which will negatively impact all of you to some degree – some more than others. Rest assured we will return to our normal procedures as soon as it becomes feasible to do so.

These interim changes are unfortunately necessary due to our bosses’ sudden realization that their debt continues to grow in spite of all appearances. They are growing increasingly worried about the impact current conditions may have on their lives and the lives of their children.

While most of you — as well as most of us — will agree that we really ‘don’t give a rat’s ass’ about our bosses, their children, their lives, and all of that drivel, they nonetheless control the collective professional fates of we, your devoted servants. And now that they are watching every move we make, we have no choice but to suspend (temporarily) certain policies that have served everyone involved well (except of course the poor bastards who pay the bills around here!) Again, rest assured that this suspension will be lifted just as soon as our bosses get the impression things are better and go back to whatever it is they’ve always done while paying no attention to any of us, or better yet realize that they too, as well your devoted staff, work for you and would have nothing if not for your patronage.

With this in mind, the following temporary changes will go into effect as of Tuesday, August 2nd:

- No blatant ‘giveaways’. If it is not possible to make it appear as though you are paying the proper amount, whatever you want for nothing must wait until further notice.
- Until further notice, we must write our own internal policies. We cannot have you or your representatives write them for us.
- Until further notice, when you submit an order, you may no longer fill-in your own prices.
- The policy of you giving us cash in order to avoid payment of taxes is also suspended until further notice.

We are not happy about any of this either. But, as we are confident you will agree, it doesn’t pay for any of us to risk our being fired, which could result in our being replaced by a bunch of kiss-ass goody-two-shoes who will be happy earning just their salaries and put the bosses ahead of all of you – the ones who make everything possible.

Again, our profound and sincere apologies for any inconvenience this temporary charade may cause you. We look forward to a speedily improved perception of our job performance and an even speedier return to ‘business as usual’.

Your loyal and humble servants,

The United States Congress