¼ of women in prison sexually molested before age 18 – same as general population!

[rbnyc]

Disclaimer: This is a rant after watching 5 minutes of a Women in Prison special on Bio. I didn’t watch the whole show. I’m also tired and mad - probably all good reasons not to post. So much for that.

So my husband and I are in the midst of some late night channel surfing after a long, hard week and we stop on Bio for five minutes of Women in Prison. The narrator is talking about how many of the growing population of women in prison have something in common – 25% of them were sexually molested by the age of 18. Well, that’s the same as the general population. That’s not a corollary.

I turn to gripe to my husband about this misleading use of a statistic. My husband reminds me that I committed some violent, illegal acts when I was in my late teens and early twenties (assault) that were very much related to my struggle with sexual abuse in my own childhood.

I had three incidents in college where I physically assaulted men. One was a boyfriend who cheated. One was a friend’s boyfriend who was aggressively hitting on me. The other was a frat jerk who told me it was ridiculous to think that anyone in the CIA would ever commit a crime, and I was drunk. Yes, these three men were each highly offensive. But I was not defending myself from harm when I hit them. I had anger issues and impulse control issues and all sorts of behavior problems. It would be easy to build the case that my bad behavior was related to having been sexually assaulted as a child. But I didn’t end up in jail.

Why? Because I’m a white girl who committed assault at an upscale college. If I’d punched a guy and knocked him over at a block party in a bad neighborhood, I’d have been arrested. But I did it in a frat house at a private college full of rich white people. If I’d ripped the metal railing out from the stairwell of some apartment in the projects and brandished it against my cheating boyfriend, I’d have ended up on "Cops." But I did it three blocks off campus on a property entirely rented by students. If I’d punched a guy in the face out in front of the bodega on New York Avenue, I’d have been locked up. But I did it out in front of an on-campus co-op.

For this growing population of women in prison, the corollary isn’t that ¼ of them were raped or molested; it’s that they didn’t get to work their shit out in an atmosphere of total privilege at some rich private liberal arts college. The corollary is that they are all poor and had no mechanism for “class-jumping.”

I actually also grew up poor. But I grew up poor in a rich school district. Most of the students in my high school were middle class or upper middle class. I had access to good programs, good teachers and good advisors in high school. There was a general expectation that everyone would get into a good school. I had a path. When I was in high school, my annual family household income was $9,000. I’ve actually managed to eke my way up to the lower middle class. Here’s what I had going for me – I was white, I was cute, I went to an affluent white high school where I learned to speak like an affluent white person, I was expected to attend an affluent white college and there were mechanisms in place to make sure I got there. Change any of that, and I could have easily ended up in jail and my whole life would be very different.

Did I work hard? Was I talented? Was I smart? Yes. But I didn’t pull myself up by my bootstraps. I was treated in a certain way and presented with certain expectations and opportunities because of my cultural identity and my location.

Anyway, I know I can’t seriously criticize this show, because I indeed only watched 5 minutes of it. But as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it did strike a nerve to hear that statistic applied to this prison population as if it were unique to this group. This is something that statistically ¼ of women and 1/5 of men deal with no matter who they are or where they are now. It’s a serious social issue, but it’s not the reason people end up in jail. People end up in jail, largely, because of unequal opportunities and unequal consequences for the same behaviors perpetrated by different types of people in different settings. We look at some people and think they need time, guidance, love, maybe some therapy. And we look at other people and think that they belong in jail. It’s a cultural rift that has most to do with unevenly applied resources.

</rant>

[bainz]

1. Did you ever get over your problem with alcohol?

From your story, it seems that you don't mix well with booze. Maybe it was dumb luck that kept you out of trouble, but I can assure you that I know folks who have had less luck with the police and court system when it comes to physically assaulting others.

[rbnyc]

2. LOL

I got over a lot of problems. I'm old as hell and this was a long time ago.

[CoffeeCat]

5. That's exactly her point...

...that many people in jail--are only there because they were poor, didn't have the proper education or
weren't born into the right neighborhoods.

She evaded the police and charges--even though she was acting out. As she said, she was abused--and that
leaves someone with a lot of anger. I've read articles about children who have been sexually abused and
the anger that they harbor. They're forced to stuff those feelings down for so long--and their anger
is similar to that of a serial killer. This is what perps do to child victims--saddle them with so
much pain and trauma--and it is very common for survivors to leave home and start acting out.

Alcohol lowers the defenses for sure.

I don't think it was "dumb luck" as you said that kept her from being charged. I think it was exactly
as she suggested--that privilege and the opportunities of privilege--often get you free passes.

She's also suggesting that this is unfair, and the inequity bothers her.

I, for one, applaud her character and integrity. To endure childhood abuse like that and to come
away with very compassionate insight--is quite an accomplishment.

[rbnyc]

6. Thanks.

I tried to take the comment with good humor and pressed myself to assume it was made in good faith. But I very much appreciate your remarks very much.

[malaise]

14. Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

:rofl:

[CoffeeCat]

3. Thank you for speaking out...

I appreciate your honesty and your insights. Despite the abuse you endured as a child, you were able to
grow into a very insightful and caring person.

I totally agree with you that sexual abuse is a hidden epidemic. No one wants to discuss, as you said, that
one in four women is sexually abused before the age of 18. No one REALLY wants to hear that most of the
abusers are the fathers and stepfathers of these victims. We rarely hear about this kind of sexual abuse,
which is the most prevalent, but when a stranger abduction happens--the cameras are there and the issue
is covered for days, and sometimes weeks.

I take it personally. I was sexually abused as a child. When our society refuses to even acknowledge
the truth about what is happening to children in this country--this only helps the predators. It also
punishes the victims into silence, who have all ready been brow beaten and shamed into silence. Perps
are extremely skilled at blaming their victims and shaming them into silence. Society should be making
it easier for victims to come forward. Instead, the reality isn't even acknowledged, so most sexual
abuse victims are met with disbelief, horror and suspicion.

I also hear you about the "survivor's guilt". I grew up in an upper middle-class neighborhood and
our family was well known. I was pretty cute, and I relied on that to get me through just about
everything. I was too messed up to function deeply or to do well in school. I was in a fog. I
did go to college, and I spent those years sort of convalescing. I look back on those times now
and it was many years of doing very little--but having fun and resting from the trauma I endured.

I'm very lucky. Just like you acknowledge our background and culture helped you out of this situation,
I also acknowledge that too. If we had been born in a poor area or if we didn't look the way we did
or have access to a great education---where would we be? Probably dead or in jail. That's the
reality. It scares me and it makes me so very sad for many people.

Something else that bothers me--is how society treats children who have OBVIOUSLY endured abuse. These
kids--who will act out with anger, rage, depression, attention problems--are labeled as "Behavior
Disordered". They're drugged up, put in special schools, labeled with some ridiculous made-up condition
that comes with all sorts of pharmaceutical remedies. There was a little girl who I read about...she
had been murdered by a man who sexually abused her. He was the boyfriend of her mother. This little
girl was only nine years old. She had been labeled "Behavior Disordered" and was in a special classroom--
living with the fact that she was labeled defective. After she died, it all came out that she had
been sexually abused for seven years. Of course she had behavior issues. It's called COPING.

When will society start to deal with these kids who have been abused? When will we stop drugging them
and treating their "Oppositional Defiance Disorder" and slapping labels like ADD on them--just because
it's easy and there's a pill for it--instead of trying to help and heal????

I'm so glad I am not a child in these times. My parents (who were both abusers) tried to suggest that
I had ADD. Abusers look for reasons to blame the child--anything to deflect from their crimes. Luckily,
I escaped the "label and drug" horrors that exist today. My parents blamed me for everything bad in our
family--and I can only imagine what a Godsend today's psychiatry and drugging is to the abusers that
exist today. Abuse your child...she'll not be able to pay attention at school, she'll be angry and she'll
be depressed...so let's give her some disease labels, some drugs...CASE CLOSED.

It's really sick.

I wish you peace and healing on your journey. I think the answer is to have gratitude for how and where
we landed, and to help others who were not so fortunate.

[rbnyc]

4. Thank you for your beautiful candid post and insights.

I agree with everything you said. I'm so glad you spoke to the heart of my rant and brought out some of the deeper issues, especially about the way children who are coping with abuse are labeled and treated.

[CoffeeCat]

27. Hugs to you sweetie...

...and thank you so much for bringing up this topic.

The more we talk about this, the more we help society to deal with it. Kudos to you for being so courageous and honest!

:hug:

[elleng]

7. ...

:hug:

[Odin2005]

18. +1,000,000

:applause:

[elleng]

8. ...

:hug:

[Tumbulu]

9. Do you think that 1 in 4 men molest children

or is it 1 in 10? 1 in 20?

Any of these numbers are so very high. Do you think that it keeps being allowed because men somehow consider it to be normal in some odd way?

[CoffeeCat]

13. I have my opinions...

...and I hope others chime in, because you asked a very good, complex question.

Sexual abuse continues to happen for many reasons. In my opinion here are a few of
the reasons why sexual abuse is a hidden epidemic.

The crime is very easy to get away with. Children are so easily manipulated into silence. Especially
if the perpetrator is the father or stepfather. The child is so psychologically dependent on the
perpetrator for emotional needs and even basic safety, food, clothing and shelter. A child cannot
POSSIBLY come to grips with the notion that the person who is responsible for them--does not love
them, is incapable of love and has absolutely no regard for their humanity or well being. So, the
child rationalizes, denies, stuffs feelings, etc.--in order to cope. They also blame themselves. A
child lacks the emotional maturity or the cognitive skills to deal with the real horror--so they create
a denial system that actually ends up helping the perp.

My therapist also treated perps and I gleaned so much information about these people. It was almost
unbearable to hear how deluded they are. Most of the perps my therapist saw were "average Joes"--accountants,
sales people, construction workers--the guy down the street from you or sitting in the next cubicle
at work. They look and act normal--but to attain this appearance they have to engage in a whole lot
of lying to themselves. The average person would crumble if they molested their daughter on a regular
basis.

These people are able to not crumble because of their elaborate denial systems--about what they
have done. They delude themselves into thinking that the child was "sexual" or "wanted it" or "was
very curious". They also believe that children are sexual and that the sex acts did not hurt them.
The often manipulate the child into believing that the sex was their fault, "You wanted this" or "Your
body reacted to this" or "You didn't say no", etc. The perp actually believes this. They never look
at their behavior--it's all about what the 8-year old or 12-year old did or didn't do.

Perpetrators are incredibly skilled at frightening and traumatizing children into silence. They will
often tell kids that they will never be believed, or that daddy will go to jail, or that mommy will
leave and the family will break up--if they tell. Or, they may threaten to kill them, or their pets
or their siblings, etc.

All of this culminates into a cloud of silence for the child. I was one of those children and I can
tell you that my feet barely touched the ground when I was a child. I was so traumatized. I looked
normal, went to school, played with friends, etc. However, my mind was so busy trying to survive
and stuff down the horrible reality--it took up so much space in my mind. Some kids just cannot handle
that stress. I can understand why they act out, get angry, cannot concentrate in school, etc.

It's just an insidious situation...a living nightmare for the child.

There's also the fact that society just does not want to deal with this on a macro or micro level. One
in ten children tell, and when they do, what happens. Often it's the child's word against the perpetrators.
If the child is trying to get help from within the family--that's often a lost because the family is
completely dysfunctional. Mothers are often in denial as well and enablers--many times they are sexual
abuse victims themselves. My mother was, and it was nearly impossible for her brain to grasp that what
happened to her, happened to me. So she denied my abuse, like she denied her own childhood pain. She
was incapable of dealing with the reality. So often, the child is not believed or has no one to help them.

Society as a whole keeps this problem hidden, and makes it difficult for survivors to heal. There is no
legal remedy for child sexual abuse--in many, many cases. The statute of limitations affects is often
expired by the time the child grows up, is own their own and can finally "tell" and come to grips with
what happened.

Just look at how Social Services is overworked, understaffed and its employees underpaid. We are not
serious about child abuse. Our society does not commit the resources to helping children.

The silver lining is that there are amazing therapist out there who do help victims of child sexual
abuse. They change lives and they understand the reality of this complex problem.

I hope others chime in...this is just one person's opinion.

[rbnyc]

20. This is a great answer.

Thanks so much again. So much of what you said relates to my own experience and supports everything I've learned in recovery.

[CoffeeCat]

29. I think it's good when we talk about this stuff...

Silence is poison and only harms us.

I think I needed to vent more than I realized. So thank YOU! :)

[Tumbulu]

21. Thank you for your illuminating answer

I just cannot grasp the enormity of the situation. I wonder how our statistics compare to that in other nations. Is it about the same, less or higher..... Is this a problem of the human species that is aggravated by patriarchy?

In my own family two of my sisters were molested- single instances, but they did not tell anyone until they had grown up. One by the father of a neighbor, whose daughter (my sister's friend) killed herself shortly thereafter. The other at a school function- a Native American drumming demonstration was being given and one of the elders somehow got my younger sister alone in a room. She never told anyone either until grown.

So the statistics have to be a mix of these single incident trauma's where the child does not disclose - and situations where the abuser is a relative and the abuse is ongoing.

And so I still wonder- does a significantly large minority of men think it is all right to molest children? Justifying it in these convoluted ways? And since it is so pervasive, it becomes overwhelming to try to stop it- hence the underfunded social services agencies?

Will this take multiple generations to change? I hope that it can be changed sooner than that. But reading these numbers makes me really wonder and feel discouraged.

Thank you for sharing so much so that all of us can understand the problem more clearly.

[LiberalLoner]

10. Wow. Profound thread. Thank you all. Another sexual abuse survivor here. n/t

[CoffeeCat]

19. Hugs to you...

I hope you are doing well. :hug:

[LiberalLoner]

Oops

[LiberalLoner]

11. Oops

[kickysnana]

12. How many women who were molested in prison deny it, don't remember it or don't equate it to them.

Often people who are acting out are running from some old pain they are trying not to deal with. Just sayin.

There was no better example of class difference than two cases here one summer several years ago. A fourteen year old inner city Hispanic girl was involved in a group robbery that became a shooting murder. She did not shoot anybody. She got life in adult prison. She had very good character witnesses.

A group of 16 year olds from the suburbs shot and killed a minister's son in a car they were all in in a gas station. They claimed it was horseplay but my guess was that he was being forced to go rob the place and refused. Those kids all got probation as juveniles.

Thanks for posting this. It is always good to rethink our priorities when it comes to our American children.

[rbnyc]

16. good question and good examples. nt

[ensho]

15. sexual abuse of female children is of epidemic proportions

not enough strong light is put on the men that abuse. and the laws should be stronger against them.

they should be in fear of the law.

[rbnyc]

17. True, but...

...it's happening to boys at nearly the same rate, and you have to conceder the boys and girls who do not tell. Also, some of the perps are women.

They should be in fear of the law, and they should have access to mental health support before they offend (and after.)

[Blasphemer]

22. Wonderful "rant"... thank you

We look at some people and think they need time, guidance, love, maybe some therapy. And we look at other people and think that they belong in jail. It’s a cultural rift that has most to do with unevenly applied resources.

Absolutely true. This also applies to anyone dealing with a mental illness (something that childhood sexual abuse is major contributor to). In addition to people from more disadvantaged socioeconomic backgrounds being more easily written off, there is also often a tendency to not take seriously the suffering of those from more advantaged backgrounds. I've seen suicidal depression, PTSD, and psychosis that is blamed on everything and anything but the actual root cause. If you are advantaged or viewed as having advantages (i.e., being intelligent and/or well educated), somehow you should be able to "get over it" more easily. If you are disadvantaged, you are expected to be a perpetual victim.

[rbnyc]

23. Thank you. nt

[BlueIris]

24. There's no way I believe it is only 25%.

Yes, I realize the NIH, the Rape and Incest National Network, the FBI and other groups all claim it is around that level, and some of their studies and surveys place it even lower (20% or below.)

I realize my anecdotal experience is not evidence of anything, but these statistics simply do not and never have matched up with what I have personally seen and heard throughout my life. My personal guestimate? 8 in 10. Possibly higher.

I also realize your post is more about classcissm than misogyny and sexual abuse, but I can't engage anymore in any discussion which starts from a place that "establishes" the rate of abuse in this society at 1/4 of the general population. I just can't. I know it isn't true.

[rbnyc]

25. I get it.

Total respect. There's a statistic that's agreed upon by the general establishment. And then there are our experiences and our knowledge that such a statistic is based largely on self-reporting. For every one who eventually speaks up, how many don't?

[CoffeeCat]

28. It is estimated that...

...one in ten children tell when they are sexually abused.

What I find mind blowing--is that one out of four is so high!!! I can't get my arms around it. That means
on every block in this country, 10-15 women were sexually abused as children. Look around at all of the
women you work with--one out of four were sexually abused. It really boggles the mind.

Also--if you factor in physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect and other sorts of bad parenting--you're
pretty much facing the fact that the majority of people in this country were abused as children.

It's just awful.

I asked my therapist about WHY this is. She said that it used to be worse. But much of it was
hidden and never discussed. Sexual abuse wasn't even a term. Now it is. Now there are therapists.

I asked her why society does this to children and she said, "I believe...it's because we are still evolving. We
are a relatively new species and we are evolving more toward a better place. However, as a species, we're
still in our infancy."

I found that interesting, and sobering.

[CoffeeCat]

26. Have you heard of Angela Shelton?

Angela Shelton decided to make a documentary--about what it would be like to contact 40 other Angela Sheltons. She first made
phone contact and then visited them, filming the communications.

What started out as a light project soon turned serious. In short, 28of the 40 Angela Sheltons that she found revealed that they
had been raped, sexually abused as children or a victim of domestic violence.

Here is a link for more info and to her movie. The movie is riveting. She confronts her own father about the childhood sexual
abuse that happened to her. It's just so heartbreaking and emotional.

http://www.searchingforangelashelton.com/