Satire from http://thedesperateblogger.com/2011/09/florida-fallout-perry-romney-withdraw-from-gop-race/With just 406 days remaining until the 2012 Presidential election, the Republican nominating process moved inexorably toward its conclusion today as former front-runners Rick Perry and Mitt Romney unexpectedly withdrew from the race in the wake of their weekend trouncing by former pizza executive Herman Cain in the pivotal Florida Straw Poll.
The two former governors – whose vote totals combined still fell 8% short of Cain’s among the 2,657 cast – issued their first, and presumably last, joint statement saying, “The people have spoken and their message has been received – loud and clear.” They also congratulated Jon Huntsman on his victory.
According to media analysts, this unexpected turn of events should provide the former Utah Gov. and Ambassador to China with a clear path to the GOP nomination and an ultimate showdown next fall with his former boss, President Barack Obama.
But Huntsman, who pundits widely agree has gained unstoppable momentum after obliterating all expectations of his Florida performance by garnering 2.3% of the straw poll vote, isn’t taking anything for granted.
“The nomination process is a marathon, not a sprint,” the last Mormon standing told the reporter covering his campaign outside an empty New Hampshire pancake house. “That’s why I just put a bigger fuel tank on my Hog.”
When asked about possible challenges to Huntsman from other candidates who are still technically in the race – such as Cain and Texas Congressman Ron Paul (who has consistently polled near the top of the pack in spite of an ongoing media boycott of his campaign) – most pundits agreed that once the dust has settled and the ‘insider money’, which to this point has remained on the sidelines, has been injected into the race, the eventual nominee will inevitably be the white male candidate who evokes the fewest mental health concerns.
According to Pueblo State University political science professor Newton Toomey, author of ‘Sanity and Conservative Political Rhetoric: The Blurring of the Lines’, Huntsman’s nomination appears to be all but a foregone conclusion. With the defections of Perry and Romney from the race, here’s how Prof. Toomey breaks down Huntsman’s competition:
- Herman Cain, while a great public speaker with solid conservative credentials, can’t overcome the perception of many in the Party base that he is ‘Black’.
- Ron Paul is too Libertarian to appeal to either moderates or the conservative base. The fact that he also seems to possess a Romulan cloaking device that renders him invisible to mainstream media may also be more than even his solid grassroots campaign can overcome.
- Michele Bachmann is becoming ‘old news’ faster than Michaele Salahi, and recent polls indicate she can expect to be invited to even fewer events.
- Rick Santorum – just Google ‘Santorum’ – ’nuff said.
- Newt Gingrich simply sounds too reptilian to most people. His name doesn’t help either.
- Sarah Palin (should she choose to run) is now upside down in polls among tea party supporters. She is also hindered by the fact that 42% of Republicans polled believe she and Michele Bachmann are the same person.
- Rudy Giuliani (should he choose to run) saw his only issue die along with bin Laden.
- New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie (should he choose to run) after his ‘suicide’ comment regarding a potential bid would appear, just for running, to be a bigger flip-flopper than Mitt Romney on healthcare. Also too little polish, too much Pillsbury.
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