Congress Honors 9/11 First Capitalizers

[meegbear]

In an act that many are calling long overdue, Congress passed legislation this week to honor those Americans who were first on the scene to profit from the tragedy of Sept. 11, 2001.

The so-called 9/11 First Capitalizers Act, which passed by a wide margin in both the House and Senate, is the first measure to recognize the utter lack of sacrifice on the part of those men and women who did not hesitate to put their own personal agendas above all else when it mattered most.

"It is high time we paid tribute to those who sensed the direness of the moment and immediately sprang into action on that terrible day, exploiting it for personal gain," Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) said Tuesday. "These were the thoughtless men and women who selfishly showed us that in desperate times, the most callous among us will always be there to step forward and do whatever it takes to get a piece of the action."

"They sacrificed their dignity and sense of basic morality so that others might one day give to them," Graham continued.

The bill not only honors those who rushed to Ground Zero immediately to sell merchandise, participate in photo ops, or advance an ideological agenda, but also those who profited from afar by producing jingoistic songs and TV specials, or mentioning 9/11 in stump speeches as a way of scaring people into voting for them.

Among those Americans recognized were "United We Stand" T-shirt manufacturer Gary Tabano, country artists Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood, Halliburton CEO David Lesar, filmmaker Oliver Stone, former president George W. Bush, and 89 members of Congress itself.

After apologizing for the "needless delay" in honoring the shameless bottom-feeders, lawmakers confirmed the measure would establish a special fund for the 9/11 First Capitalizers, helping those individuals collect whatever funds and resources they somehow didn't manage to rake in hand over fist in the hours, days, and months following our nation's darkest hour.

<snip>

http://www.theonion.com/articles/congress-honors-911-first-capitalizers,18856/

[SpiralHawk]

1. "Whoopee for RepubliCronies. Smirk." - xCommander AWOL (R)