My sexual harassment story:

[proud2BlibKansan]

I was working in a bar. I was 22 years old. One night as I was cleaning off a table, I leaned over to wipe the table and one of the guys sitting there reached up, grabbed my breast and twisted it hard. I dropped the rag and slapped him as hard as I could. I still remember seeing my hand print on his face.

The whole bar erupted. The band jumped off the stage, pulled the guy out of his chair and beat the shit out of him. (My boyfriend was in the band and they were kind of protective.)

The guy left in an ambulance and I pressed charges. Sexual assault. He pled guilty so I didn't have to testify.

Since then whenever women talk about sexual harassment I tell them to slap the shit out of the guy. That's what Anita Hill should have done and that's what these women Herman Cain harassed should have done. No I'm normally not a violent person but I had my hand on that man's face before I could even think. It was a gut reaction. But the best part is the feeling of empowerment it gave me. I have never worried since then about what I would do if I was harassed. I also don't worry about my personal safety. When I was 22 I weighed 98 lbs and was just over 5 feet tall. And I HURT a 200 pound man. Well me and the guys in the bar who beat the crap out of him.

[Evergreen Emerald]

1. good for you, unfortunately some people fear career ending retribution

and therefore do not want to make a scene, or disclose the behavior.

[proud2BlibKansan]

8. I worried for about 10 minutes that I'd lose my job

Then I realized I wouldnt want to work anywhere where it's okay for customers to sexually assault the staff. Fuck that.

[Lorien]

38. It's a little different when it's your boss

and the job is one that you've spent most of your life working for.

[pnwmom]

44. That might be a life-threatening decision if you were alone with the guy.

And not in a bar full of protective friends.

[Morning Dew]

11. True, that. One size does not fit all.

[MrSlayer]

2. Good for you.

And now I'm sure you'll be admonished by the hand wringers for using violence when you could have just "called the cops". Fuck that guy, he got what he deserved.

[proud2BlibKansan]

23. Bring on the hand wringers

I'm ready. :)

[Sherman A1]

3. K&R

:thumbsup:

[RKP5637]

4. +1000 +++ n/t

[malaise]

5. Love it

:hi:

[kestrel91316]

6. I heartily approve of the physical retaliation on the spot. Justice delayed is

justice denied.

And you want the guy to forever associate cause and effect.

[proud2BlibKansan]

18. He ended up in prison for something

I think burglary. Long time ago - don't remember exactly. And his brother murdered someone. Crazy family.

[liberal N proud]

7. Good for you

[notadmblnd]

9. That's what I'm talking about!

[safeinOhio]

10. Muhammad Ali once said something like this.

I'm not afraid of any man on earth. But, a little woman scares me.

[Curmudgeoness]

12. I have a story too, but I am more sympathetic toward the women

who are victims. I was working in a one-girl office with two men. One of the men was my immediate supervisor and the other was the CEO. My boss would always come up behind my chair and caress my shoulders, or trap me in the supply closet. It had taken me three months to find that job, I had a home mortgage and was single. I NEEDED that job. I complained to the CEO, who had talks with my boss to no avail. It did not escalate too far because I did stand up to him, and I let him know that he would be tasting his balls if he didn't leave me alone. But he continued to try every chance he got. This was just before the Clarence Thomas/Anita Hill fiasco and anyone from that time knows that it would have been pretty difficult to bring charges or a suit for harassment at that time. All I could do was fend him off and keep looking for another job---and that took me six months of hell to find.

I was not the victim type, but I was in the same situation as so many other women----I desperately needed that job. And I was young and thought that making waves such as a lawsuit would ruin chances of employment for the rest of my life (and it might have).

Let me say that I did not go public with this. But if I saw this loser ready to get into a position of power, I would be one of those women who are being subjected to just what they knew would happen if they went public----ridicule, doubt, being called liars or people saying that they were asking for it. I know there are women who will lie about this sort of thing, but I do not dismiss these charges.

[JohnnyLib2]

16. Completely realistic at that time. Hopefully a few things have

changed (in some areas) now, but you speak for many. My wife and friends (now in their 60s) have many such stories.

[Curmudgeoness]

20. You would think that things have gotten better, but

I don't think it has, at least not significantly. You still have to "prove" what is happening, you still will be looked at as a whore more than a victim, and the stigma will probably still be with you for the rest of your life. The only thing that is different is that if you work at a company that is big enough (not that 3 person office I was in), they will now take a complaint much more seriously than in the past......and that is the best we have so far.

[la la]

31. i'm in my early 70s---and i have some of those same stories-

...it was kind of scary back then---*always* the fault of the woman! ;>(

[appleannie1]

19. In those days, you would have been considered a trouble maker and not hired anywhere else.

[Curmudgeoness]

22. I agree. But do you think that it is any different today?

I have been hearing so much derogatory about the women who are accusing Cain, I wonder.

[Mojorabbit]

36. Exactly

As a young nurse in the 70's if I had complained it would have been me who was fired.

[pitohui]

59. it DEFINITELY would have ended your career for life

that's what happened to me

no one would hire anyone who has been a victim of sexual harassment and it is only worse now, ironically, now that it is possible to sue, it's even more impossible to be employable after being a victim

[midnight]

13. Women who fear for their jobs keep their mouths shut and just grin and bear it....

[appleannie1]

14. I 'accidentally' dropped a whole plate of spaghetti down a guys suit jacket and smeared it in with a

napkin while pretending to help clean it up. My boss saw me do it and came around the bar to the table and offered to pay for dry cleaning. He came in the kitchen and asked "What did that guy do to you because I know that was not an accident". I told him that every time I passed his booth he touched my butt. My boss laughed and said "You paid him back good. I don't think a dry cleaner will get those stains out". Hopefully he kept his hands to himself after that but I doubt it.

[proud2BlibKansan]

29. Wanna start a support group?

:)

[RebelOne]

15. Yippee for you!!! Glad one of those jerks got what was coming to hin.

I am 73 years old and have been in the working world since I was 22. I could write a book about all the sexual harassements that I have gone through.

[proud2BlibKansan]

30. I'm sorry

That sucks.

[la la]

32. me too, rebelone, me too...... n/t

[Sarah Ibarruri]

17. Excellent! Next time he has to grab something, he'll grab his balls in fear, to keep someone

from cutting them off lol

[femrap]

21. I'd like to slap

herman silly.

[proud2BlibKansan]

26. Get in line

LOL

[femrap]

35. OK....you

can be first. :evilgrin:

[wickerwoman]

24. Slapping him makes you liable for assault.

You don't have a legal right to hit other people unless you fear your life is in danger.

I respect that you stood up for yourself, but this is terrible advice to give to other people. If the guy had been more litigious or if you had really injured him (say he had lost his balance as a result of you slapping him and had broken something), you would have been the one in trouble with the law.

Also, if he had been there with a group of friends and your boyfriend hadn't been around or your boss hadn't been supportive you might have set yourself up to be assaulted and/or raped on your way home from work.

Frankly, you got really, really lucky in this situation. I wouldn't try to extrapolate from it that this is the way to handle sexual harassment.

Better to let the bouncer handle it, or just quit if it's an environment that doesn't protect female staff.

[proud2BlibKansan]

28. I don't care. I'd do the same thing again without blinking.

I guess I can't call you for bail.

[MedicalAdmin]

33. You could call me for bail (if I could afford it)

But wickerwoman makes a few good points. I was an officer in and out of the joint and I have sat through coroner inquiries where women were killed after slapping a guy.

Don't get me wrong, given the circumstances you did the right thing, but you were lucky that you had the back up you needed when and where you needed it. You mentioned reacting instinctually and that can get you in trouble in the wrong circumstances. A cool head beats a hot temper every time. Having said that you did the absolute right thing and I know that because you are here to tell the tale.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

[wickerwoman]

37. That's unfair.

I have a lot of respect for you and your posts, particularly on education. I just think that this particular OP is very naive about the real world consequences of using violence to address disrespectful behavior.

Fair or unfair, the reality is that you can't legally hit people unless you're afraid for your life. There is a very real probability that this can lead to either you ending up in trouble with the law or being retaliated against when you're vulnerable. And, I'm sorry but it is simply terrible advice to advocate this to other people as a way to respond.

Life isn't a 1940s Hollywood movie. You don't often get to slap people and walk away scot-free. You should feel lucky you got away with it in this instance and leave it at that.

[barbtries]

41. it was violence to address violence!

the man put his hands on her! read the OP.

[wickerwoman]

43. Read my post.

"He hit me first" isn't a *legal* defense. Find me a single court in America that will accept that as a defense in any situation except one where a person is reasonably in fear of their life.

I think you'll also find I said I respected the OP for standing up for herself.

But the ways the laws are written, her response could have opened her up to a serious lawsuit. Violence is difficult to measure and control especially where alcohol is involved. Say she had slapped him, he lost his balance and broke his neck. What if he fell on broken glass and lost an eye? Is it really worth spending a good chunk of your life paying to support some asshole who copped a feel?

And meeting violence with violence invites retaliation. Sometimes it defuses the situation (usually when one side has a clear upperhand) but a lot of times it just throws fuel on the fire. Like I said, if her boyfriend and the band hadn't been around, this could easily have gone in a very ugly direction.

I'm all for women protecting and standing up for themselves but we have to be smart about how we do it. Most women aren't really taught about violence, when and how to employ it and what the legal consequences could be. I think they should be. And I maintain that turning around and slapping every man who touches you in an unwelcome way is not a smart or strategic way to deal with the problem. The OP may have assessed the situation correctly here, but it is not good advice to give universally.

[barbtries]

55. what if what if what if.

she said she weighed all of 98 pounds at the time. whatever. her reaction was pure reflex anyway. it's pretty hard to stop a reflex.

[Zoeisright]

53. Bull. SHIT.

That wasn't "disrespectful behavior". That was assault. Once someone touches you without your permission, THEY have broken the law. And YOU can defend yourself.

Christ.

[pnwmom]

45. Would you do it if you were alone in a dark car and didn't know the guy

well enough to know how he'd react? Or if he had a weapon under his seat?

[Voice for Peace]

61. scary

:scared:

[redqueen]

39. +1

[barbtries]

40. did you read what he did to her?

he grabbed and twisted part of her body. she was well within her rights. really.

[aikoaiko]

50. It depends on the state definitions: but reasonable force to stop a sexual assault is justified.

[Fawke Em]

51. That's not true.

The patron assaulted her first by touching her and twisting her breast; therefore, she had absolute right to defend herself.

One doesn't have to be in "life-threatening" danger to defend oneself. And, because he touched first, she had the right to defend herself.

[Cerridwen]

25. Kick.

[Cerridwen]

27. Kick.

[Voice for Peace]

34. great story but doesn't always work that way

my experience was the big guy hit back twice as hard, and there was no band.

[pnwmom]

47. That was my point, too. She could do it because she was in a safe place

among friends. In other situations, that reaction could pose a serious risk.

[redqueen]

42. Many people grow up in abusive households.

Unfortunately for many people who experience harassment, fighting back is not the first instinct.

With all the talk of fighting back, I hope those who don't have the mental and emotional resources to do so aren't forgotten or just not considered.

[Hubert Flottz]

46. Good for you...

I guy got exactly what he deserved.

[lapislzi]

48. It's the outrageous sense of entitlement

That some men feel that a woman, any woman, is his property. That he can walk up to any woman he finds attractive and touch her in any way he likes.

How would men like it if I walked up to them in a bar and groped their crotches to see whether they met my standards?

[Fire Walk With Me]

49. Someone start a page on Facebook, My Sexual Harassment Story. Give everyone a voice

same as the 99%er stories.

(I was sexually abused, not harasssed, different thing, someone else should create and maintain a page on harassment.)

[Zoeisright]

52. Women also need to bite more often.

If you're being attacked, bite whatever you can get your teeth on. HARD. That usually ends things. Then get to a doctor quickly, since the scum you bit may have some disease.

[noiretextatique]

54. i was on a bus and a guy groped me

i turned around and punched him in the face. i would have kicked his ass if he hit me back.

[proud2BlibKansan]

56. +1

[JoePhilly]

57. Sounds like a clear case of self defense to me ... a guy tried to grab you ...

and you fought him off.

Its a shame you were not holding a beer mug in your hand when you defended yourself.

[pitohui]

58. yeah well you were working in a bar

i worked hard to get an education and work in an office, getting involved in a fistfight with a serial pervert not an option for me nor would it have saved my career, as it was, when i rejected repeated attacks, my victimizer tried to have me COMMITTED

the fact is, most victims of sexual harassment will probably never work in a good job again and adding assault charges to their problems is not going to help -- women do not necessarily have the right to self defense in practice, there are too many cases when women committing self defense have landed in prison

you were probably a pretty girl and a pretty girl can get away with that shit, the rest of us can't -- we are told boldly that we wouldn't be believed and the fact is, when he's said, she said, in the 60s, 70s, 80s, HE was the one that everyone believed...because believe it or not sexual harassers don't extort sex in public bars

your guy committed a sexual ASSAULT, but he was not your boss or in any way in a position to end your working career for the rest of your life, so how is your sexual harassment story anything to do with sexual HARASSMENT?

a dumb ass tried to assault you in public, of course he didn't get away with it, that is NOT what happens with sexual harassment, where a powerful person forces you to have sex with them and you can either play or you lose your investment in your education and your career

believe me, if i had it to do over, i would have slept with my harassrt, not allowing myself to be raped has probably cost me lifetime earnings in excess of $2 million dollars over the decades, not being employable for virtually my entire adult life is truly sickening

when i was 22 sexual HARASSMENT was not even illegal

sexual ASSAULT was always illegal

i'm glad everything worked out so well for you, barbara bush, but i wish you and all who think like you will come back in the next life as victims so you can understand what it's like in the real world

[kwassa]

60. You had many people there to support you when it happened. Most women do not.

for many working women, such harassment only happens when the man is alone with the woman without witnesses.

So, to replay this, he grabs your breast, you slap him hard, and then he, alone with you, beats the daylights out of you, and possibly rapes you.

Later he claims it was consensual, and that you like rough sex.

Or, he is your boss, he controls your paycheck, you desperately need this job, and if you lose it you will lose your home and put you and your children out on the street.

Now how would you react?