Onion-Bank Executives Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next

[Huey P. Long]

Bank Executives On 15th Floor Gambling On Which Occupy Wall Street Protester Will Be Arrested Next
NOVEMBER 7, 2011 | ISSUE 47•45

NEW YORK—Peering down from their 15th-floor boardroom onto the Occupy Wall Street encampment in Lower Manhattan's Zuccotti Park, executives at the financial services firm Wittinger Group reportedly placed bets Monday on which protester would be arrested next.

According to sources, the bankers had gathered around the large picture window in a mahogany-paneled conference room after an exhausting morning of foreclosing on more than 9,000 homes.

"Five-thousand bucks says it's V For Vendetta Guy," bank vice chairman Malcolm Grant said in reference to a protester wearing the stylized Guy Fawkes mask popularized by the 2006 film. "Look at him. He's just asking for the cuffs with that thing on his face. Come on, who's in? That stupid fuck's not gonna last out there long."

"Georgie, take your thumb out of your dick and put some cash down," continued Grant, addressing global strategies officer George Malkin. "Pick out one of those little shits and buy me a hot tub."

Witnesses said Malkin, who has earned $21 million in salary and bonuses since the recession began in late 2007, spent several minutes weighing various options for his wager—including a man standing on the sidewalk with a dollar bill taped over his mouth, a woman sitting in a lotus position on a straw mat, and a man playing an African hand percussion instrument in the drum circle at the west end of the park—before finally settling on a woman passing out leaflets.

"She looks more normal than the others, but she's feisty," Malkin said of the clean-cut young woman in a green T-shirt and jeans who had earlier led an impassioned "We are the 99 percent" chant. "You know she's going to open her yap one too many times and get a face full of pepper spray. Yeah, no doubt in my mind. That mouthy bitch is a winner, all right."


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http://www.theonion.com/articles/bank-executives-on-15th-floor-gambling-on-which-oc,26565/

[Sarah Ibarruri]

1. I never understood The Onion's 'humor.' I still don't. nt

[quinnox]

2. Its called satire

Thats ok, some people just don't get it. Its a bit more sophisticated than average humor.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

7. I mean, I 'get it' but I don't find it, um, fascinating or funny. I do like satire...

but The Onion's satire is too close to reality for there to be even a scooch of difference to allow satire to enter in. Quite often, it's impossible to tell the difference between the satire the actual stories.

[Fumesucker]

10. That's because it's damn difficult to make things more ridiculous than they already are..

See my post #9..

[Sarah Ibarruri]

14. I know! Repukes and corporations are so amoral, so corrupt, that it's become absurd

That's how bad it is.

[matmar]

19. That's the point. The Onion tells more truth with satire than we get from corporate media sources

[matmar]

3. It's called satire

And it's right on target

[quinnox]

4. lol, we had the same thought

heh

[matmar]

5. How do some people not understand this stuff?

Not you. Just a rhetorical question.

[Nye Bevan]

6. Stick with that nice man Jay Leno. Easy-to-understand traditional humor (nt)

[Fumesucker]

9. You're probably not a science fiction fan either then..

Not meant as a slam but people who "get" SF tend to "get" satire and vice versa, satire works by taking an existing situation and making it more extreme than it is or extrapolating what would happen if trends continue out to the point of ridiculousness. SF in a lot of instances does this extrapolation/extreme thing along with other techniques. Also a fair bit of SF is satire itself, the genre lends itself easily to incorporating satire.

"Gulliver's Travels" is arguably both SF and satire, floating islands, rulers who can only be contacted via their underlings, philosopher horses, bestial men and wars over which end of a boiled egg to open.

The biggest problem these days with satire is finding some way to make the situation more ridiculous than it actually is, you can take Onion articles from a few years ago and easily have people thinking they are real news stories from today.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

11. I'm not a fan of a lot of sci fi, but I do like SOME sci fi. For ex., movies like The Matrix....

Robert Heinlein. But those bear little resemblance to reality. They're quite removed.

My argument is that The Onion's satire is not sufficiently extreme so as to leave room for it to be satire. The Onion often sounds like normal, everyday news.

I agree with you. It's hard to create stories that are more absurd than what is going on today. :-)

[Fumesucker]

13. Heinlein?

We're in his "Crazy Years" right now..

I think he called that quite well considering we're sitting here talking about the difficulty of writing satire. :evilgrin:

Keep in mind when you watch the Republican debates that 2012 is the year of Nehemiah Scudder.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/If_This_Goes_On%E2%80%94

The story is set in a future theocratic American society, ruled by the latest in a series of “Prophets.” The First Prophet was Nehemiah Scudder, a backwoods preacher turned President (elected in 2012), then dictator (no elections were held in 2016 or later).

We haven't got to that point yet and probably won't but you have to admit that the potential is there with the Republicans being as whacked out as they are, one more 9/11 and we're done I think.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

15. Stranger in a Strange Land.

I wok OWS!

[Sarah Ibarruri]

16. Oh my. This is the year of Nehemiah Scudder!!!!

Amazing how much sci-fi predicts sometimes, huh?

[Fumesucker]

17. I picked this up at the thrift store a little while back and I'm about halfway through right now..

http://www.amazon.com/Merchants-War-Frederik-Pohl/dp/0312902409

Another satire by a master that hits uncomfortably close to the truth of our situation today..

[Sarah Ibarruri]

18. Wow! This looks like a darn good book! I might just buy it and throw it in my purse and read it

when I get moments here and there.

[LonePirate]

8. It's funny because it is so believable. I wouldn't be surprised if some bankers are doing this.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

12. EXACTLY. That's why I say I find it hard to find satire in The Onion's stories. nt