I was molested when I was very young.

[Are_grits_groceries]

It happened at the hands of the proverbial trusted and beloved figure.

The storm of emotions this evokes until this day are numerous. In an instant you have fear, guilt, love, anger, sadness, confusion, isolation, and many other feelings hitting you at warp speed. It is impossible to slow them down and to try and sort them out especially when you are young. Even now when I am a brazillion years old, the memory remains an impenetrable and entangled mess that rivals the Gordian Knot.

I had no idea what to do or even where to begin to deal with it. I don't remember even thinking about telling someone who would believe me compared to the person I would be accusing? It would be chalked up to an overactive imagination. I did tell a cousin about ten years ago. She intimated I was confused about what happened and asked whether I was bringing up false memories. The was an undercurrent of anger in her words. I never mentioned it again. The only person I have ever spent any time trying to find a glimmer of understnding are the psychiatrists I have seen.

I have been affected by depression since I was a teenager. I can't prove that the molestation brought it on, but I do feel that it exacerbated the problem. The depression itself also invokes some of the same feelings. It is a disease that is so misunderstood that I feel guilt, anger, isolation, and realize there is nobody to talk to that might understand.

This ball of emotions hardens into a memory that doesn't belong anywhere. It is not unlike a tumor that creates a shadow if glimpsed, and the darkness is in the soul. The lump also has some volcanic qualities such as a sudden eruption of all those balled up feelings when some action or scene flips a switch unexpectedly.

In my case I have always had an undercurrent of anger and sadness that varies in strength. I have felt isolated for as long as I can remember. Trust in people is another casualty of the abuse. I will reach a point of comfort with someone, and I find I cannot force myself to move any closer. The ball of horror pops up and becomes a barrier that grows quickly into a huge and powerful wall that is impossible to breach. It doesn't obviate the need to be closer. My inability to take any more steps forward transforms into frustration and an even stronger sense of being separated from others.

When I become aware of situations of abuse such as the one at Penn State, it instantly brings out a rage and a yearning to slap those who could have stopped it. I have no forgiveness for those people because I know what they are doing to those kids beyond any physical scars or problems. They have started the hurricane of shame in those kids. They will be buffeted by it all their lives, and their ability to deal with it will vary. The act of dealing with it or keeping it boxed away takes a lot energy that is badly needed to deal with other problems.

I don't consciously dwell on this memory, but I believe it causes a constant undercurrent of anger and other emotions that drain some energy from me all of the time. It is always present in some form and some strength in some part of my mind.

When I saw those students rioting at PSU because they were mad about JoePa, I wanted to reach through the tv and shake them for an eternity. They have no clue about JoePa's role, but what bothers me the most is that they are not attempting to find out. His is a sin of omission that erased the worth of those kids. Those boys can see and feel how little they are worth to a lot of people. That leaves another scar.

I hope those kids can find some help and some peace. I wish I could shield them from that storm that I know is with them. How can you shield someone from an integral part of themselves? They have to try to learn to do this.

I didn't post this to be pitied. I wanted to express how abuse made me feel, and how it may possibly affect Sandusky's victims. I ask that you do something or say something if you find yourself in a situation where you have some knowledge that abuse is occurring. You won't change my life, but you might change somebody else's. You might give them a feeling that they do have worth, and that they mean something to someone.

You might be surprised at how much this will mean to someone, and how large a life jacket you have thrown them. It might be big enough to begin to carry them to a brighter future.

[XanaDUer]

1. So sorry

:hug:

[MADem]

2. I just saw a run of that whinging "JoePa" footage--I was a bit disgusted by it.

Those students certainly deserve a hearty shake, if not a crack across the face. Clueless little shits. Little kids were molested in brutal fashion. There's just no excuse. Fuck football.

If you haven't done so already, you might want to speak with a professional about the issues that remain for you. Never too late to deal with that kind of stuff. Maybe you can get rid of that "undercurrent," and use your energy for more lighthearted pursuits.

Life is short, gotta go for the gusto if you can.

[laylah]

3. ...

:hug: I know exactly how you feel, on many fronts.

You are right, anyone reaching out to a child (or anyone else, for that matter)they feel is being abused, WON'T change y/our lives. It could; however, change the life of the abused, beginning with them knowing someone cares.

I wish peace for the victims of those horrible people at Penn State. As for the abusers? I have always felt they deserve life in prison for murder because what they have done is to murder the child within, killing the spirit and taking away their lives.

[dkf]

4. There were many people who failed including some parents of the boys who were hurt.

The thing that is odd is that the DA looked at this in '98. And why in the world would you expunge records involving kids if it Is connected to a possible sexual predator? They really need to review those laws.

http://www.centredaily.com/2011/11/06/2976046/gricar-had-final-say-in-ending.html

[Divernan]

58. Why on earth do you blame "some parents" of the boys who were sexually assaulted/raped?

If you have a single fact, let's hear it, right here, right now! Do you similarly blame parents of kids who were raped by priests? Do you understand how easy it is for authority figures to get by with abusing kids?

I'm not going to reprint the Grand Jury report for you - go read it before you presume to comment.

Are you the parent of a son or daughter who's on a school team? Do you have any idea how they can idealize and idolize a coach? Parents who support their kids' participation in school sports, or boy scouts or church choirs, are not to be casually condemned for entrusting their children to authority figures in those groups. Pedophiles are so clever at psyching out their young victims, and/or threatening harm if they should tell anyone of the sexual assaults.

It is clear from the time line set out in the Grand Jury report that Paterno & Penn State knew in 1998, i.,e THIRTEEN YEARS AGO, that Sandusky was a pedophile who had sexually assaulted two young boys (ages 10-11) on the Penn State campus. Sandusky confessed, twice !

Got that?

He confessed!

Back in 1998.

Thirteen years ago.
Once to the campus police, and once to the victim's mother, who had given permission to the police to record the meeting. This would have been a slam dunk prosecution. However, the Centre County (home of Penn State's main campus, and not much else) DA is elected, and easily controlled by the employer of the majority of voters.

Deals were struck, and Paterno informed Sandusky, in early 1989, that he would no longer be Paterno's successor as head coach, and he should retire. The terms of the retirement allowed Sandusky continued access to campus gyms, including showers and saunas, a campus email address, and a campus office. To all extents and public appearances, Sandusky was still a respected figure on the Penn State campus. He was also allowed to continue running his private football summer youth camps on Penn State branch campuses

Yes, for THIRTEEN YEARS Sandusky was a proud wearer of the Penn State colors and name as he continued to troll for young victims.
Penn State has basically been a gigantic football machine ($70 million per year) with a university attached. Sandusky promised at least one of his young victims a starting place on the Penn State team. He took young victims to Penn State bowl games (paid for by Penn State). (Federal crime there - crossing state lines with an underage person for purposes of having sex.)

I hope each and every one of those young victims, many of whom are now young adults, sues Paterno and Sandusky personally, as well the university in civil court. And I hope that Paterno and Sandusky have to pay every cent of their lucrative pensions to those victims.

[dkf]

70. Well if all parents who knew about it reported it then they are not at fault.

But not reporting a pedophile means they will in all likelihood have other victims. I thought I heard at least one of the parents didn't bring this to the authorities though.

[Divernan]

86. Again I ask you for fact to support your accusation.

"I thought I heard"? Where did you hear this? What was the source? And most importantly, which parent are you pointing your anonymous finger at?

The very worst and most irresponsible thing about your vague statement is that it leaves ALL the parents of ALL the victims open to your allegation that they were responsible.

I've been following this developing coverage very closely - and I've not come across any such accusation. If it were to be found anywhere, it would be in the Grand Jury report, and it's not.

And of course you are right that not reporting a pedophile allows them to continue to molest other children. That is why Paterno has to go - he knew in 1998 and participated in a coverup whereby Sandusky continued an association with Penn State which gave Sandusky entree to more victims.

[Lionessa]

74. The movie "Doubt" comes to mind. IF (and that's a big IF) the parent knew

and did nothing, ... then the movie "Doubt" comes to mind. Even if they were sure, did the imagined or real positives as perceived by the parents seem to outweigh the negatives?

I am NOT saying it was right. I just remember that one scene in "Doubt" when the mother explains that perhaps as bad the probably of sexual abuse was, the pluses that had come with it seemed worth it. It was a truly provocative perception to consider.

Please do not mis-read this as any type of acceptance of what happened, but I truly find 98% of the fault with the sports personnel, every one of them. Parents shouldn't be put in the position similar to Alfre Woodward's character. Parents should be able to be assured the institutions that are functioning to further a child's abilities and self-confidence are not engaged in illegal paybacks of any kind.

[PCIntern]

5. My parents were separated when I was very young

and I was raised by my mom, and only saw my dad on some weekends for a few hours. One day, when I was about 8 years old or so, my mom took me aside and told me never ever to get into a car or into the house of a fellow and his wife who lived down the block. She wouldn't tell me why, but she made me promise that I wouldn't be tempted. I sort of resisted her and she, angrily, told me what he might do and where, and that picture alone has never ever left my mind. It quite possibly was not great for her to do, but lemme say this: there was no way I was getting anywhere near this guy.

I was never touched and yet traumatized by the THOUGHT. I cannot imagine the depths of 'whatever' which you would endure.

[Bucky]

6. I have a dear friend who went through the same betrayal as a child.

It altered the course of her life, obviously, and affected her interactions with people throughout her personal history. Now, she's turned into a tremendous poet. I'm actually in the process of putting on a stage show based on her poetry. But it's not fair to have allowed some family Judas to have disrupted her childhood and fundamentally alter the trajectory of her life for the past 40+ years. I can't know what you're going through, but I admire you for having the gumption and honesty to tell your truth to us here on this forum.

[Remember Me]

61. Aside from Are Grits Groceries' brilliant essay, the next most brilliant

thing I ever heard about it was from one of the child molesters Oprah Winfrey interviewed in prison several years ago. He told her, remorsefully, that he realized that in his repeated molestations of his younger relative (niece? sister? I don't remember), "I took away the person she could have been."

These kinds of wounds tend to be forever. Girls grow up to be promiscuous (as Winfrey herself, also raped as a child, was), tend to abuse drugs and alcohols if not become addicted (as teenagers -- they don't have to wait til adulthood for this!), unable to form relationships so have failed marriages if they even get as far as marriage, and have other problems with the law. Naturally, not EVERY victim goes through all of this and some don't go through much of it. But the patterns are too clear to ignore.

I blame society. We have failed our children for millennia now, creating more broken adults, more adult predators and adult victims, and it's time to stop. This shit has to STOP. We have to stop the cycle of abuse. Period.

I ask each of you reading this to look within your own hearts to see what YOU can do to help end the cycle of abuse.

[cyrakitty]

7. Your post is beautifully stated.

I, too, was molested as a child. And in my case I did not realize what was happening and how wrong it was until I was older and acquired more knowledge. Once I understood what happened, I pulled away and into myself. It has effected me and every single relationship I have ever had.

I remember trying to tell my mom. She didn't believe me. She could not come to terms with the fact that her baby brother did these things. She accused friends of "planting" the thoughts. So I never brought it up again and have avoided most of my family ever since. I knew there would be no salvation there.

I agree with your post and the emotions evoked by such abuse. We are siblings in our tragedy and know that should you ever need anyone - I would be happy to be there for you.

:hug:

[myrna minx]

28. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

:grouphug:

[me b zola]

36. Welcome to DU

and many :hug: for you

[I Have A Dream]

48. ...

:(

I wish that I could take it all away and give you your childhood back.

:hug:

[democrank]

8. I`m so sorry.

Believe me, I understand how you feel.

[Ohio Joe]

9. K&R - nt

[JohnnyLib2]

10. Eloquent, memorable post.

Thank you, and may this whole ugly episode somehow turn a page for you.....

[handmade34]

11. so important to tell our stories...

I have zero tolerance for anyone abusing, covering up abuse or abetting in any way. After I left home, I learned that my step-father had been sexually abusing my younger sister. I was horrified but to make the matter much worse, my mother allowed him to continue to live in the house. My sister's life was destroyed forever; by the abuse but most importantly by my mother's refusal to protect her.

The students supporting 'JoePa' obviously have never been abused or assualted and have not learned empathy. Very, very sad.

(Thanks for your story 'grits')

[redqueen]

12. Thank you for saying this.

I know exactly how you feel.

[TBF]

13. Thank you for sharing this - some may not realize how deeply this affects people -

it's not something that just goes away after a little therapy. :hug:

[Whisp]

14. Thank you for posting this.

So very well said.

I truly wish I could take some of your burden from you, that we can all take a little bit off your shoulders so that you can be free.

[yardwork]

15. Thank you for posting this.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

[progressoid]

16. ...

k/r :hug:

[rhett o rick]

17. This case demonstrates the horrible priorities we have in this country. Nothing is more important

than a successful football program.

[FloridaJudy]

38. When you turn sports into a religion

Vatican-sized shit happens.

[Fumesucker]

18. It was nearly twenty five years before I ever uttered a word about my own molestation..

I read yesterday that the average victim tells six people before he or she is believed.

The situation at Pederast State is bringing out a lot of long suppressed misery these last couple of days, I know it's riveted my attention.

You are not alone.

:hug:

[I Have A Dream]

49. I'm so sorry.

:(

:hug:

[spanone]

19. k&r..

[MineralMan]

20. Thank you. I was not abused, but I have known people who were,

and that has informed my opinion about such things. That knowledge also informs my opinion of this whole Penn State business. I do not forgive anyone who was involved in covering up such a thing. They should all pay a price for that...each and every one. I can't see any alternative.

[raccoon]

21. I'm sorry that happened to you. Thanks for posting. So much of what you posted

here I can relate to. :hug:

[Patiod]

22. This PSU alum is sick, but hopes that parents will use it as a teaching tool

The first day I heard about this, all I could think of was that boy, and how the young man who saw the abuse happen could have stepped in and DONE something, like you said. And I wanted to smack those kids last night. Idiots. Embarrassments.

I just hope that (in addition to triggering sad memories for people like you), this incident prompts parents across the country to sit down with their kids and say "Step in if you see something. Step up to the plate. No job, no institution, NOTHING is more important than protecting the vulnerable."

I've been talking to my friends who went to Penn State, and I know that for several, this whole thing has prompted them to sit down with their kids and deliver that message.

Again, so sorry for what you went through, and thank you for the thoughtful post, AGG.

[I Have A Dream]

42. Same here, Patiod.

I graduated from Penn State, and I am appalled at everything that has occurred, including how the students acted. My heart hurts for the children who were victimized.

:(

[GreenPartyVoter]

23. I am so sorry you went through that! *hugs*

[bullwinkle428]

24. K&R. I was in a relationship with a woman several years back who

was a victim of sexual abuse when she was around 8. It clearly had a profound effect on her, and led to many issues that continued to haunt her into adulthood. She continues to deal with depression to this day, to the point where I still have major concerns for her long-term well-being.

[renate]

25. the monumental selfishness of those who destroy the life of someone defenseless...

There aren't words for how revolting it is in every single way. That sense of entitlement, their attitude that their perverse and cruel impulses are more important than the human being they are actively damaging... it is so sickening.

I'm so sorry. Thank you for telling us what it's been like for you. It is SO WRONG that your entire life has been affected by the selfish actions of one horrible person. :hug: :cry:

[zentrum]

26. Beautifully and truly written.

The whole other category of problems faced by molested children is that when they do tell and are not believed--or are treated roughly and skeptically by police or lawyers. In addition, the family of the abused, even if not involved in the crime, usually falls into a state of silence and denial--NO ONE is angry or outraged or protective enough of the victim, even after the molest has come to light. For the most part, these kids really are on their own until they grow up and manage, if they are lucky, to afford therapy. It's really really hard to get closure on an experience like this.

So, thank you.

[Solly Mack]

27. .

K&R

[myrna minx]

Thank you for coming forward and bravely sharing your experience. I know it will cut

close to home for many.

[Zoeisright]

29. I'm so sorry this happened to you. People need to hear this.

Thank you for speaking out.

And abuse as a child can permanently damage the brain. So it's very likely your depression was caused by the abuse.

http://www.4therapy.com/news/also-news/child-abuse-can-cause-permanent-damage-brain-body-and-emotional-well-being-2457

[Odin2005]

30. K&R

:hug:

[RainDog]

31. hugs to you

you are among friends - and many of us know the emotions you have felt, too.

others truly can change someone's life for the better if they help them escape from abusive adults.

[Scuba]

32. Keep healing. We love ya. n/t

[sellitman]

33. You are a roll model for all descent human beings

Thank you for sharing your outlook. I hope it does someone some good someday.

[LiberalEsto]

34. My dear Are grits

It's brave of you to speak out about this.

The reactions that you're having now are normal in light of what was done to you. You have every right to feel the rage and sadness. It's part of your healing. And I hope you will find peace inside yourself.

I worked with a child abuse prevention program called CAP for a year because I feel so strongly about this issue. We did role-plying skits at schools, and talked to kids one on one afterward. Some kids told us they were being abused, and we reported this to child protective services. I hope we helped some kids escape from being abused.

Good luck, and bless you

[Nostradammit]

35. "Hurricane of shame" is exactly right.

Thanks for writing this, Are_grits_groceries.

[defendandprotect]

37. This pedophile problem has been going on for millennia -- and we need to understand that reality ...

and support children --

We also need to pay a great deal more attention to the harm done to children by pedophilia,

especially when it involves a family member!

Can't be denied that one of the counter-attacks by those who want to ignore the epidemic of

pedophilia is certainly to belittle the harm done to children!

Sad to hear this happened to you -- and thank you for telling us --

Everyone who witnesses anything like this has to understand you don't report it to the Vatican

or the Bishop -- or to the University or a Coach -- you report it to the police!



Even the RCC/Vatican scandals don't properly reflect the immense nature of these

international crimes -- only a small part of it because of the underreporting by victims.


How has this gone on so long -- ?

According to a JAMA study, "90% of pedophiles are male" -- and "95% of them are hetereosexual."

And 68% of pedophile abuse is visited upon family members --

HOWEVER, the numbers should be even higher because they fail to include step-children,

adopted children and/or foster children!


Inequality in our society means that males remain in control -- and as we saw from the Penn

State events they're not likely to think that a 10 year old boy is as important as their

university and their coaches or their ability to attract new students.

In other words, we have too many adult males protecting pedophiles -- whether in the Vatican,

the RCC in US and around the world -- or at universities.


We also lost a great opportunity to make societies aware of pedophilia when FREUD betrayed

the many women and young females who were telling him of being sexually molested by

male relatives. Some males, as well.

Bowing to patriarchy, however, FREUD REVERSED HIS EDIPUS COMPLEX, BLAMING CHILDREN FOR THEIR

OWN VICTIMIZATION.

[I Have A Dream]

44. Well put. nt

[truedelphi]

89. I had not thought about Freud's part in all this.

Something to give one pause.

[CarrieLynne]

39. ((((love n hugs)))))) you are so brave to share this with us!

[Auntie Bush]

40. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I hope your post will give

you a little more peace of mind. Bless you!

[midnight]

41. K&R.

[tawadi]

43. K&R

[OneGrassRoot]

45. I was as well, and I have a theory:

I think there is a chance that McQueary, the grad assist who didn't stop the rape nor go to the police, may have been one of Sandusky's victims and was perhaps too traumatized to react.

Honestly, that is the only explanation I can come up with to explain his lack of action.

I'm not sure that would excuse it, but it may explain it. It wouldn't surprise me from what I'm reading about this mess.

I agree with everything you've shared here.

:hug: to you...

[Dont call me Shirley]

46. Try EMDR, it works.

[I Have A Dream]

47. I'm so very sorry, Are_grits_groceries.

I believe you. (I'm just hoping that hearing someone actually say that to you helps just a little bit.)

No child should ever have to endure what you did.

:hug:

[GTurck]

50. Same for me...

My molestation was over 60 years ago but it is with me daily. Talk to everyone and anyone. I have told my husband and close friends and found such empathy and care it was astounding. You were never at fault and were totally betrayed by your molester (sadly our families share some of the fault too for ignoring what many knew was a problem person). Channel the anger to make this a better and fairer world.

[Tumbulu]

51. You are an eloquent and talented writer- thank you for

informing us of the terribly destructive nature of this seemingly all too common problem.

I am so sorry that it happened to you and hope that your words will help someone else who needs protecting.

Blessings to you.

[countmyvote4real]

79. ditto that.

That was a very potent and powerful read on so many levels. Thank you for sharing.

[Name removed]

52. Deleted message

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[malaise]

53. How sad!

Thanks for your post
:grouphug:

[Evergreen Emerald]

54. Thank you

This must have been hard for you to write. It is deeply moving, and I think helps shed light on an issue that has notoriously thrived in darkness and secrecy. I am very sorry that your cousin treated your disclosure with such contempt. I often wonder what causes people to disbelieve--perhaps it is simply fear.

I think your voice is so important and should be heard by those who minimize the reactions (or lack there of) of all of the people who knew or chose not to know.

[spin]

55. K&R (n/t)

[truedelphi]

56. Thank you for your stepping forward to talk about this.

Your experience is one reason why I think every child needs to know as soon as possible about the "private area" and about how the person who might try and touch you there could be a beloved person: a neighbor, a relative, a school teacher.

Many good wishes that you come to peace over this. I relate to one of your sentences:

The only person I have ever spent any time trying to find a glimmer of understanding are the psychiatrists I have seen.

####

I hope you are able to have as much time as you need to talk to such professionals, as these things re-surface, just when the victim thinks they are truly buried.

And again, thanks.

[lunatica]

57. I was abused when I was six

The actual abuse itself is nothing compared to the lifetime of pain it engenders.

But the day came when I realized I was angry at me when I was six. Who can really blame a six year old for being a victim of an adult? I was able to forgive that six year old. It made a huge difference in my life. Self-forgiveness is what heals those deep psychic wounds.

[DeSwiss]

59. K&R n/t

[BlueIris]

60. Goddamn those who start asking if you are bringing up "false memories."

Just goddamn them:

http://www.astraeasweb.net/politics/fmindex.html

[Remember Me]

62. +1 Those people have done a LOT of damage

and provided a LOT of cover for perps.

[CoffeeCat]

76. Thank you for saying that...

...it's very distressing for victims to hear those accusations, when all you are trying to
do is heal---and deal with what seems like, insurmountable, pain.

It is a fact that the "false memory" brigade is indeed a farce. There is no such thing
as "false memory syndrome" as they have dubbed it. The psychological community--the APA--
doesn't recognize it as a true medical or psychological condition.

The organization that began these lies was started by a man who was accused of molesting
his daughter. He was also an alcoholic.

The research supports that repression of traumatic events does happen. In fact, one of Sandusky's
ten victims says that Sandusky got in the shower with him, began fondling him--then his
mind goes blank and is hazy. He has no memory of what happened.

I have lost a lot of memory from my childhood, but I've been able to put bits and pieces
together--by calling people from my past and doing a great deal of research that has
spanned a decade. It has been a slow, painful situation--and these "false memory" people
are disgusting. They hinder healing.

I would have given anything for all of this to be "false memories". I began recalling
abuse that I had never remembered--and some of my repressed memories have been validated
by others.

I didn't expect to write about this topic, but I think these things need to be said. The
false-memory charlatans are damaging and I wanted to thank you for pointing that out.

[mntleo2]

77. You can thank the psychology industry for that ...

...because real traumatic memories are *not* something children easily "forget". As a matter of fact real traumatic memories are something that are quite vividly remembered not easily forgotten, down to the smells and tiny details a normal memory would never trigger.

However there was a wave of using the method of "false memories" as fact in child abuse court cases that turned out to be debunked. Using this counseling method in a fit of hysterics and literal witch hunts, they incarcerated dozens of innocents for years, scattered thousands of children to the wind and destroyed entire communities. This was done with the McMartin Case in CA (the most expensive trial in CA history that was later debunked), The Wenatchee Witch Hunts in WA State, and Martha Coakley's hysterical witch hunt in MA. Not one professional has received so much as a slap on the wrist for all this. As a matter of fact Coakley is now the MA State AG, the woman behind all these "retrieved memory" cases is actually an advisory to CPS and a university department head, and they caught one mental health "professional" trying to leave the country after being proven he had committed perjury in the McMartin case.

If there is anyone to blame for "false memory" accusations, it is these "professionals" who use psychiatry and psychology, never a proven science, to promote crap like this as somehow being "fact" when it was only some quite stoooooopid theories. (See Dr Thomas Szaz, emerita from the Harvard School of Pharmacy who wrote several books about the false science of psychiatry and the medicinal poisons they use).

So when real incidents are raised, then it is immediately debunked, thanks to these idiots.

Frankly I think all people in these fields should be held accountable when they engage in what is criminal behavior, not get promoted as many of them have. Because then people like you are accused of "false memory" when these "professionals" have only mucked up the works in their own never-admitted dummas hysteria ~ which btw line their pockets quite nicely. About all they have done is make it WORSE for kids and adults trying to deal with this horror. Every one of them should be frog-marched!

And it has not done much for the unproven "science" of mental health either. Knowing what I know about the field, I wouldn't care if I were raving mad ~ probably one of the sanest things the insane do as they often are this way, is not even for one minute to ever trust a mental health provider or their selected poisons they want to shove down everyone's throat as their magical "cures"!

My 2 cents

Cat in Seattle <---a survivor of CSA myself of 45 years who once bought this crap but now I know about the only thing that works is forgiveness of any self hatred or blame ~ and forgiveness of the sickness of the perpetrator who is often just that ~ sick.

[AtheistCrusader]

78. Exactly.

And when researchers like Susan Clancy do studies that show this, they are viciously attacked as 'excusing pedophiles'..

I'm in my 30's, i'm still waiting for the vivid, perfectly recalled memories of my father beating the living shit out of me to fade.

[woo me with science]

88. Excellent, important post. nt

[rurallib]

63. me too - by a priest

like you I do not dwell on it, but when something like this comes up, I spend days with a rage inside.

[Raksha]

64. Thank you for your heartfelt honesty.

I hope it's some small comfort to you that your post is beautifully written, and may inspire someone reading it to speak up when they otherwise might remain silent. While I would LIKE to believe I always would have spoken up had I witnessed such a scene, now I know I would.

Thank you again, and may you find healing for your pain.

[CreekDog]

65. Very couragious

Thank you.

[2Design]

66. Thank you for putting these feelings and behavior into words

Yes as a child

Haunted by sexual harassment and inappropriate behavior as an adult and wonder what signals are being sent that these people do this and if fear of speaking up is not being believed and family who still blames me and not the person. More than one person in family was inappropriate in asking for sexual favors.

Also, for some reason, and I suspect from your explanations that others seem to attack (behind the back) to sabotage me

There is a saying - Just because I am paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get me

Not sure how to change the vibes and end this forever

Would really like to be able to trust people but either I do all out and find it is a mistake or don't at all - if someone is nice to me, I have two reactions - as a puppy who follows anyone anywhere or distrust

[OffWithTheirHeads]

67. All I can say is me too

and 50 some odd years later I still have not come to terms with it.

[riderinthestorm]

68. Aww I am so very sorry this happened to you. You are tremendously courageous though

and so very, very strong to have made this journey and come out so strong. Peace and hugs to you and everyone else on this thread who has suffered so much. You are all so brave and strong!

[freshwest]

69. Thank you very much.

[hlthe2b]

71. the kids rallying for JoePA need to hear from those like you...

I have to think at least a few of them are just naive' as hell. At least I hope that explains their reaction.

I hope that others will lead by example as you have here.

[alp227]

72. People have been defending JP because he only reported to his bosses

AND because he didn't witness but rather heard from another person (hearsay). However I disagree. Those are empty reasons. And every time I hear these stories I wonder, geez why can't we have human dignity BEYOND our own social circles?

[defendandprotect]

73. There's also a BIG QUESTION about why the guy didn't try to stop the attack on the 10 year old?????

[Starry Messenger]

75. (hugs)

[applegrove]

80. With all the stories in the news this week it is inevitable that you would

be feeling heavy feelings right now. I was criminally harrassed years ago and all the talk of Cain and his denials have me really upset these days. vibes to you and yours. May you get back to normal soon.

[kas125]

81. I'm sorry it happened to you. And to me and all four of my sisters.

For us, it was our uncle. A few years ago I was driving my dad somewhere and he mentioned his brother. I finally had the nerve to tell him that it was as much his fault that it happened as the uncle because when my parents found out, they did nothing. They said it would "hurt Grandma if they'd said anything." I didn't tell, but the fourth sister did and since I was the oldest, they woke me up in the middle of the night to ask me what he'd been doing. And then they did nothing, not even keep him away from our house or stop making us go to his. And he still got the littlest sister after they knew. After fifty years, I finally told my dad what I thought - that he should have protected us, that it was his duty to do so. He asked me what he could have done and I told him EXACTLY what he should have done. He didn't know what to say because there simply is no defense for not protecting your children. Since I'm his caretaker now, I've tried to forgive him, but I never forget. And I know that none of us are the people we'd have become if it hadn't happened...

[SunSeeker]

82. Heartbreaking.

I just can't understand how adults who know what is going on do nothing. Mike McQueary testified to a grand jury that he heard slapping noises and looked in the showers and saw a naked 10-year-old boy "with his hands up against the wall, being subjected to anal intercourse by a naked Sandusky." I would like to believe that the first reaction of anyone who witnesses an obvious sexual assault on a child would be to try to stop the assault. To not even scream at Sandusky to stop, to just go away and leave the child to be assaulted, is beyond my ability to understand. And yet, it happens all the time. In my experience, your parents were hardly unusual in that respect, I am sad to say.

[kas125]

84. Oh, I know, Mike McQuery is the hardest part of the whole thing

to understand. What kind of person leaves the room when he sees a child being raped before his very eyes? Certainly not one who deserves to roam free among decent society. That he didn't take that poor little boy away and get him to a safe place and then call 911 is absolutely unforgivable and I think he should at the very least be prosecuted for conspiracy along with everyone else who knew and didn't stop that pedophile/rapist. Instead, the university is "concerned about his safety" so they're not letting him go to the game on Saturday. Fuck him and his safety, where was HIS concern for the safety of that little boy?

[TorchTheWitch]

83. so beautifully said

I am so very sorry you have been put through such suffering.

[efilon]

85. I understand

It's been almost 50 years since the first abuse. It continued through teen years and even once after I had been married and had a child. That was the last time. I made marks that he couldn't hide from my sister, his wife. My entire family knew and I was never protected and at times forced into situations where it could happen. Like you, I feel like no one has even tried to understand except for psychologists but even they can't know how deeply rooted the pain is. I've had two failed marriages, as much my fault as theirs but definitely the abuse contributed to my problems. I now know enough to realize that I'm better off alone. I have 3 wonderful children. They help to keep me happy. But, like you Are-grits, I too live with an underlying rage. To this day I feel like a stranger around my family members. They had a different childhood than I did. I've been on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds for many years now. Keeps me on an even keel, as I told my last therapist, I'm doing as well as I can. My kids make me happy, other than that I just really could care less about other people. Of course, many family members think I should just have more faith. As I always say to them where was this benevolent father when this was happening to me. They are appalled that I don't believe in God. Again, they have no idea. If you ever need to chat with someone Are-grits-groceries message me and we can chat.

[olegramps]

87. The students that continue to support him are future Republican Leaders.