How do I talk to my kid about adults and "stranger danger"?

[RandySF]

In the wake of the Peen State story I've been wondering what I should say to my five-year old regarding strangers and other adults. San Francisco is a warm town and it's very common for a grownup to smile and say hello. I don't want that kind of thing to stop, but without the right guidance. I feel like I need to either let him talk to everyone or tell him to talk to no one. And how can you tell if the relative or coach is someone a parent needs to keep a close eye on?

[trumad]

1. I told mine early on straight up

that if anyone touched them inappropriately, immediately tell me or Mom.

I let them know of the possible tactics that the perv will take to keep it under wraps,---threats, etc.

I said ignore it and come straight to us.

[TheWraith]

2. I'm glad that you mentioned relatives.

While there's always some risk from strangers, the fact of the matter is that most kids who are molested, hurt, or murdered, are done so by family members. Sad, but true.

[murielm99]

9. I also asked my kids to keep someone else in mind if

they needed to tell someone about a problem. The person or persons should be someone outside the family, a trusted teacher or adult. I told them that I did not have to know who it was, just that they had someone to talk to in case they did not feel comfortable speaking to a relative. They were older than five when we talked about this, but they all assured me that they had someone. In one case, I think it was a piano teacher. The other two had a fifth grade teacher whom they loved and trusted, so I think it was her.

[Luminous Animal]

14. This is excellent advice. And advice that I gave my own daughter.

Her trusted people were 2 neighbors. And I told them both to never break my daughter's confidence unless it was a life or death matter. Life or death. Period.

[pipi_k]

10. For sure!!!

I always warned my kids about strangers. I should have warned them about relatives, too, but I didn't think about that back in the early 80s. I mean, it just blew my mind to find out it was a brother-in-law who would betray the trust of the entire family.

Anyway, to the OP...I think I would tell your child that any touching in the area covered by a bathing suit is not right unless it's by a doctor and/or you are right there.

Also, if anyone wants to give a child any kind of gift, that person must ask YOU first.

And NEVER go with anyone to "look for a lost pet". Tell your child that adults should never ask children for help. Ever. They can ask another adult.

And don't just say it once and forget about it. Keep repeating these warnings every so often. My daughter, who was sexually molested as a child, is very vigilant with her son, and she has also told him that it's not just strangers.

[tblue]

3. Well, first, it's okay to talk with someone when you are around and,

if he's 5, you're always around, right?

It's okay to say hello but stay by mom/dad and never go anywhere with anybody ever.

Then, he should never be alone with any adult ever except maybe a relative or a sitter. But not a teacher or a doctor or someone you don't know well.

I raised my kid that way. As a result, he's always been good at talking with adults, which has served him very well. It's just weird when kids can't even say hi. I think it makes the world a scary place for them and that's not even healthy. You don't want him growing up afraid.

[pinto]

4. I don't know, but I was told by my parents - if it doesn't 'seem' right, it isn't.

i.e. - Listen to that. :hi:

[malthaussen]

5. When in doubt, go with the truth

Tell the child that not all people who seem nice on the outside are nice on the inside, and that he should always be courteous and friendly with people, but never go anywhere with them unless you or another responsible adult is along.

-- Mal

[Coyote_Bandit]

6. Ummmm......

Focus on the issue you are concerned about.

That issue isn't talking to or smiling at adults. Or strangers.

You really only need to teach your kid a few things:
(1) inappropriate touching
(2) keeping clothing in place
(3) not keeping secrets
(4) trusting you

It's not your job to decidee who to be suspicious of - and you are likely to fail in that endeavor. Instead, it is your job to teach your kid how to know if he/she is being violated and if that tragedy occurs how to stop it before it progresses and how to report it. And it simply does not matter if the perpetrator is a stranger or an acquaintenance or a family member.

[tnvoter]

7. you can be frank

I was very frank with both my son and a daughter about inappropriate touching. When there was a story in the news on this subject that involved young victims, I took advantage of the occasion to reiterate personal safety rules that including things like never wandering off from my sight especially in a public space. I still do this today.

Most important - I told them over and over and still today I tell them -- that if they ever tell me about something a grown-up did that they think is wrong, I WILL ALWAYS beleive them. They should never be afraid to tell me anything, even if it is about the actions of a relative, a teacher or an authority figure.

[stellanoir]

8. You tell 'em that they own the space about 12" around their bodies.

When ever anyone enters their space and makes them feel uncomfortable or creeped out they have full permission to yell "personal space invasion !" repeatedly really really loudly.

Kids really like being given permission to yell really really loudly and it strengths their sense of autonomy.

They sometimes really have fun running around and practicing yelling it.

[Spider Jerusalem]

11. Honestly? Your kids are probably in more danger from adults they think they can trust.

More than from total strangers. There are a lot more cases of sexual abuse involving teachers, priests, scout leaders, camp counsellors and sport coaches than there are total strangers (which if course isn't to say that it's not sensible to be safe, but it doesn't hurt to keep that in mind).

[gkhouston]

12. +100. n/t

[Brickbat]

13. "Stranger danger" wasn't the issue. The issue was someone people trusted and loved taking advantage

of kids. There's no "everyone or no one." Instead, teach him to listen to his gut. If he doesn't want to kiss Aunt Hazel, don't make him kiss Aunt Hazel -- not because you think she's a molester, but because you want to show your kid that physical affection must never, ever be forced, and that you respect his decision not to be physical. (However, I think it's appropriate to teach that a handshake in such a case is much appreciated.)

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

15. The problem is that children are more likely to be abused

by someone they know than by a stranger. That's not to say they shouldn't be warned about strangers, but it seems like the real problem is how to identify dangerous people who aren't strangers. Watch out for people who seem unusually interested in the kids, who try to cozy up to them, bring them gifts, want to spend time with them without parents present, etc.

[BrendaBrick]

16. This is a very important topic

and I can only add my 2 cents to the excellent advice which has already been given here.

Normally, it doesn't start out with 'inappropriate touch' right away. In fact, quite the opposite.

There are a series of covert stages the pedophile uses for grooming a child to gain his/her trust and then it slowly escalates from there.

Though the Dr. Phil show may not be the best source, he did have a show recently which talked about this. From his site:

Parenting

The Five Stages of Grooming By a Pedophile

Ninety percent of child molesters know their victims. Would you recognize a predator near your family? Dr. Phil explains the five stages a pedophile goes through to groom a victim:


Stage 1: Identifying a Possible Victim
Although pedophiles differ in their “type” regarding age, appearance and gender, all pedophiles will look for a victim who seems in some way vulnerable.

Stage 2: Collecting Information
The next step is for the pedophile to collect as much information on the targeted victim as possible. This is most commonly done through casual conversations with both the child and the parents or caretaker.

Stage 3: Filling a Need
Once the individual has the information he needs, he then becomes part of the child’s life by filling a need. If the victim is poor, for example, the pedophile will provide him/her with expensive toys. If the victim is lonely, the pedophile will act as a friend.

Stage 4: Lowering Inhibitions
The pedophile will then start to lower the child’s inhibitions concerning sexual matters. He may come up with games or activities that involve getting undressed, make sexual comments or show the child pornographic images or pictures.

Stage 5: Initiating the Abuse
At this final stage, the pedophile begins to sexually abuse the child.

“A big portion of these pedophiles will pick a family that is distressed,” Dr. Phil says. “They’ll pick someone who’s underfunded, maybe both parents are working or it’s a single mother, there may be illness in the family and the kids are kind of being pushed to the side and being neglected. So we have this savior that comes in and says, ‘Hey, let me help out’… What this tells you is those who seem to be helping the most, those who maybe seem to be the most kind, the most giving, the most willing, the most helpful and available, are the very ones you need to audit the most.” He adds, “Pay attention if there’s somebody who knows too much about what your children are into.”

(I think that last sentence should be underscored...and would possibly also include communications on the internet as well.)

Source: http://drphil.com/articles/article/704

I am sure that there are even better sources out there for finding out more information along these lines and I don't have any children of my own from which to draw experience from...but I would say, based on the information that is out there, that pedophiles are extremely cunning, conniving and even charming and oftentimes even 'win over' the affections of not only the child, but sometimes the parents themselves...which makes it even more difficult to detect...because they are so masterful at duping.

Like others have suggested, an ongoing, open dialog - which include completely open communication, details and non-defensive inquiries about your child's thoughts, feelings and actions/specific activities with someone is probably the most effective preventative measure, I would say - for starters.

You're a good parent for wanting to learn more to protect your child! I hope more parents will start to become armed with the carefully crafted, skillful and masterful ways and means these monsters use to try and finagle their way into a victim's life and by being keenly and accurately aware of these maneuvers, can nip it in the bud before any damage and abuse even begins to start to take place.

Luckily as humans, we have a kind of built-in intuitive radar that tells us instinctively and at a gut-feeling level that somethin' somethin' just ain't right here...somethin' just ain't gelling, you know? Which bypasses all 'logic' - and that is probably a very good thing to never ignore.

I'd like to see this important and sensitive subject matter gain widespread attention and I hope that we are starting to see this beginning to take form. I think, in the end, becoming aware of these specific tactics and strategies surrounding this could go a long way to educate parents and caregivers in hopefully preventing the damage, torment, devastation and confusion which sexual abuse undoubtedly causes to so many innocent victims.

[saras]

17. Don't ever force your kids to behave inappropriately with their bodies...

MUCH MUCH more important than anything you say to them.

The best clue the kids have is "this feels wrong, and when I object, they won't stop." That's abuse.

If they're used to kissing the icky uncle and not saying anything when daddy tells them to shut up, or otherwise stifling the messages of their body for the pleasure of adults, they've already learned to be abused, and it's going to be really hard to teach them not to be.

Unfortunately, the most prevalent 'stranger danger' is simply grabbing them, throwing them into a car, and driving off, and that's not one that yelling is going to help a lot. Strangers trying to molest kids in public is probably rarer than getting hit by a meteor.

A lot depends on your local culture also. Most of the young kids I encounter are very social, affectionate, and playful, and a twelve inch "do not touch" zone would be like a prison sentence to them. Because of this, they also have really strong personal senses of what they don't like and won't tolerate, and it's not a binary "I must tolerate this" versus "this is evil and I don't have to tolerate it", it's a continuum that wards off creeps long before it gets to anything like genital contact. It makes going to the dentist harder, but that's a small price to pay.

Some people, on the other hand, teach their kids that no one but a parent EVER touches them before adulthood, and that only for utilitarian reasons. In extreme cases, they are also the ones who think adolescents touching each other, whether it is sexual or not, is also wrong, and attempt to enforce this.

These two groups of people are probably ALWAYS going to see each other as abusive of kids.

[Sabriel]

18. Tell them they don't have to obey adults

We told our two early that if an adult tells them to do something they're not happy about or comfortable with, then they shouldn't do it. We'll back them up.

Kids are expected to obey adults...no matter what...so it's no surprise to me that they end up molested.

Teach them to scream, but more importantly, teach them that not every adult is safe or to be listened to.

Teaching the screaming part was fun!

[TorchTheWitch]

19. there are some very good books and other resources on this

Even some books that are written for children concerning good/bad touching. I'd look into some parenting groups on the internet or go to the library and talk to a liberian about what's available so you can start researching the best way to handle what to do in talking to your kids and keeping an eye on the adults in their life.

Generally speaking though, it's the adults in their life that they know rather than strangers that are the far larger problem. And as for good and bad touching, though it's important to get them to understand what constitutes good or bad touching it's also important that they understand that any touching if it makes them feel uncomfortable is not something they need to put up with even if that touching is classified as "good".

[BrendaBrick]

20. Bumping because this is very important.

[kiva]

21. Before you do, take a look at this article...

The title is “Stranger-Danger” Warnings Not Effective at Keeping Kids Safer" by Nancy A. McBride, National Safety Director National Center for Missing & Exploited Children.

This is why the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children® (NCMEC) does not support the “strangerdanger”
message. The majority of cases have shown most children are not taken by a stranger, but rather are
abducted by someone they know.
When questioned, children will often describe a “stranger” as someone who is “ugly or mean.” They do not
perceive attractive or friendly people as “strangers.” If someone talks to a child or is even around a child more
than once, that person may lose his or her “stranger” status to the child. The child may then think he or she
“knows” that person. Children also want to be helpful, thrive on adult approval, and respond to adult authority.
So if someone with ill intent asks a child to perform a task or tells a child something has happened to a loved one,
there is a good chance the child may be tricked into going with that person.

- clip -

When we tell children to “never talk to strangers,” we have effectively eliminated a key source of help for them.
If they are lost they may be surrounded by many rescuers who could help them. If children perceive these people
as “strangers,” they may not speak or reach out to them. There have been cases in which a child’s rescue was
delayed because the lost child was afraid to call out to the “strangers” when rescuers were nearby. Parents and
guardians cannot be with their children every second of the day. We need to give our children “safety nets,” the
plans and people you’ve put in place to contact so your children know there is always someone available to help
them. These individuals may include uniformed law-enforcement or security officers and store/business personnel
wearing nametags.

http://www.missingkids.com/missingkids/servlet/NewsEventServlet?LanguageCountry=en_US&PageId=2034

You may not agree, but I've hear many experts on missing children say that the "Stranger Danger" program made some massive mistakes.