Author Joanne Faulkner says parents should get real on Santa instead of lying to kids

[The Straight Story]

Author Joanne Faulkner says parents should get real on Santa instead of lying to kids

PARENTS should not lie to their children about Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, but instead let them in on the secret, an Australian writer claims.

Dr Joanne Faulkner, a Sydney academic, says children can still enjoy the magic of Christmas and Easter, even if they know the truth.

In her new book, The Importance of Being Innocent, she says parents "should not create a fantasy where children are not given any basis for knowing what's real and what's pretend".

She told the Herald Sun the popularity of such figures as Santa and the Easter Bunny merely fuelled an adult desire to recreate the past.

"It's also because we adults feel vulnerable to all sorts of things that we can't control," Dr Faulkner said.

http://www.couriermail.com.au/lifestyle/parenting/author-joanne-faulkner-says-parents-should-get-real-on-santa-instead-of-lying-to-kids/story-e6frer7o-1225970665355

blah blah blah. You raise your kids, I'll raise mine :)

[WinkyDink]

1. There's always somebody looking to get in the news.

[struggle4progress]

65. +

[Paper Roses]

2. The author is a party pooper. Santa is just as much fun for adults.

Most of us have raised our kids believing in Santa, they get wise soon enough. My kids and those of everyone I know show no signs of emotional distress because there is no Santa. They have, however, been very disappointed if the tooth fairy forgot them and had to come the next night.

No matter how many or how few presents we are able to put under the tree, it is a wondrous time for kids and even more fun for the parents to watch.

My grandchildren are suspicious, the time to believe is growing short. I will miss that.

Does this author have any kids? Sorry for them. No Reindeer on the roof, no plate of cookies for Santa.

[seabeyond]

3. yada yada yada, was fun when kids were little. now older, fun for them to remember when they were

little.

joanne can not do make believe with her kids. i think it was a blast. loved toothfairy. kids would roll around in the sparkle i put under their pillow and have it on them all day. would be around house for months. nothing wrong with feeling good.

[TNDemo]

4. I think I'm with her.

I felt absolutely betrayed and lied to and made a fool of that my parents had told me this lie for years. I didn't trust them for a long time after that. My kids knew about Santa Claus but when they would ask me if he was real I would say "he's real like the Smurfs" or something like that. I guess some kids just take it harder than others.

[seabeyond]

7. really? you werent able to figure out the fun in it. deiscern the disfference between

betrayal and lie and childhood play? i have not met anyone that took it so seriously in their youth. i watch kids today believe and then not believe, and no one has taken it so very seriously. they giggle at the before and after. my youngest reminded me yesterday that we all have to believe again, for my three yr old niece. my parents didnt lie to me, so i could trust them. i understood the play in all these. i dont lie to my kids, so they trust me. it is that simple

[TNDemo]

11. They were pretty adamant about having to believe

and if you didn't Santa wouldn't leave presents. I guess I was just super-sensitive. I also was 9 before I found out Santa was a lie and a neighbor's mother told me. My mother was really mad at her. I just felt like an idiot because I believed for so long. I remember after that thinking that adults were making up that Jesus and God stuff and then finally decided they would not have put that much money into buildings just to fool kids and they probably really believed it themselves. I, however, have managed to survive intact from the experience but I have to say to this day there is nothing I hate more than being lied to. Don't know if I was already that way before the Santa thing and if that is what made me this way. I really don't dwell on this much and haven't thought about it in years but this subject just brought it up.

[seabeyond]

14. i hear ya. none of it was such a big deal. i am not much of a liar. i forget and dont hide well

enough. half the fun for all of us, including the kids, was me trying not to trip up in it. i dont know how many mornings i forgot the dollar under the pillow with sparklies, and i had to try to sneak it under while the kids were waking or oldest telling me i forgot. but, .... i too get mad with lies and very open and straight with kids with all things. also think about kids health amongst peers and wouldnt allow to get to point of kids ebarassment cause too old. my youngest didnt want to let go of santa, but then he still does not want to let go of being baby and he is 13. have never seen anything like it. i imagine he played at believing a good couple years adn then about the age you talk i finally said, enough... not playing this anymore.

but i have watched children with this, because i am a HUGE believer in parental trust as the foundation of child rearing adn i dont see the deal

i did prior to having kids. not since having kids.

[raccoon]

41. I was pretty old when I found out, probably about same age as you were, and

I too felt like an idiot for believing for so long. :pals:



"I remember after that thinking that adults were making up that Jesus and God stuff" --Me too! And why wouldn't you? As that great (not) American said, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, won't get fooled again." :-)

[retread]

32. "it is that simple." Not exactly. The true meaning of xmas is buy, buy, buy!

[seabeyond]

35. depends how you play it as a parent. a parent can also use it as a lesson to implement the exact

opposite of this. all the opportunities in parenting.

[joshcryer]

39. I believe that is a central theme in her book. Consumerism and innocence.

I can't read it right now, but it looks to be arguing that consumerizing (word I just made up) innocence is unhealthy developmentally speaking. I can't say I entirely disagree, but then again, I think kids are freaking geniuses and it kills me to see people make them out to be stupid. :(

[seabeyond]

44. socks, underwear, bedspreads, posters, .... and now

i am getting dish sets, pots and pans, silverware.

buying christmas presents a few wants, lots of needs are under the tree. presents aren't about a mass of frivolous. it is in the fun, wrapping up, together, joy, laughter, family, love. i started buying things my teenager is going to need when he moves out.

all thru the year i teach and live fiscal responsibility. two times a year i spend on things the "want". christmas and bdays. they are as frugal as i am. they have learned.

christmas is not going to be the boom or bust of teaching kids about consumerism. it is every day of the year that they learn that lesson. if a parent truly believes that christmas is responsible, then they probably fail their child in the lessons and opportunities given.

[nebenaube]

5. Well, if that is that case

How else do we teach our children the ability to recognize mass delusions?

[The Straight Story]

6. I tell my daughter glenn beck isn't real, she already figured out he was a fake though

:rofl:

[retread]

9. Hope you're happy!! You just ruined it for the Beckerheads here!! n/t

[dmallind]

8. perfectly correct

It staggers me when parents expect the truth from kids when they feed them a steady diet of lies in return, from Santa to the stork to the farm where old dogs go to live.

If the kid gets emotionally invested in these lies it is a damaging betrayal. If they do not, like me thank the gods, it's a waste of time and retarding their education. Why should we take up two learning opportunities, one for the truth and one for the fairy tale, when we can teach two truths in the same time?

Mewling pouts about the "wonder of childhood" are mere selective projection on the part of adults. There is no end of wonder available for kids (and adults fwiw) in facts as facts and fiction as fiction. By all means include the story of Santa, in the same way you would tell the story of Cinderella. Fairy tales are just fine without being covered in a slimy veneer of supposed truth.

[seabeyond]

10. mewling pouts of kids inability to discern play from real is selective projecting also. nt

[dmallind]

12. behavior a bit more forgiveable in children though, surely?

so you expect klids who are repeatedly told that Santa is real by their trusted parents to have the skepticism to think it may just be play and the critical thinking skills to work out the truth? At what age could you have done so? Before they started the lies or after?

[seabeyond]

16. hell yes kids are capable. they are very clever beings.... by the time they get to the age

to see the play in it, and all the lies.... or rules is only time able to lie is present time. gotta ause lies are huge no no's but then how do we justify the lie when we lie what we were doing or what present we got. are they able to discern the significance of not telling a truth in creating a surprise and lying for other reasons?

yaaaa

they are not inept little things. they are more intuned to feeling thru life much more perceptively than a lot of adults.

[joshcryer]

19. Yes, my brother told his son to lie to his schoolmates / teachers about being sick...

...so that they could go off somewhere.

Now he's pulling this "I can't buckle myself into my carseat" shtick, and his mom has to get out of the car, walk around, and buckle him in. I caught it and said to him that I knew he could do it, that I saw him do it before (I had), and he subsequently buckled himself in. After that I asked him to be completely honest and tell me why he apparently did not tell the truth. He said that he just wanted his mom to feel sorry for him and buckle him in.

Sad story, I know. But it really reenforces the idea that making lies a positive thing is detrimental to a childs innocence.

I don't see a real problem with Santa, though, but I can see how it can go too far. It really depends on how strongly the parents keep the facade up.

[cali]

22. learning fantasy from reality is part of growing up.

A childhood without it is a paltry thing. Now, my kid figured quite early that Santa wasn't real and I didn't insist on his believing it, but I've seen lots of kids who I knew didn't really believe but enjoyed the shared fiction and that's fine too.

[joshcryer]

27. Uh, you can put on an insane facade if you really wanted to.

For instance, you can convince a child that there is a heaven and hell and if they're bad they'll go there.

Said indoctrination can even go so far as to last until adulthood.

I of course am not saying that Santa is anywhere near this level of indoctrination, but I can see that it might be frustrating to some who learn Santa is fiction later on in life, due to a well orchestrated facade (there is at least one person in this thread who had that experience).

[raccoon]

42. Great post. nt

[blondeatlast]

13. I bet Dr. Faulkner is a hoot at parties.

:eyes:

Let's take a gander at Dr. Faulkner's kids if she has them, then we can talk, dear Dr.

[joshcryer]

15. "Dr Faulkner has two children aged nine and 17." I guess you didn't read the linked article.

Strange with it being so short.

[blondeatlast]

23. Goody! Everybody's favorite uncle is here!

You still didn't answer my query of last night.

[joshcryer]

29. The conversation died.

I had no interest in digging it up, though I did look in this forum for the thread.

[blondeatlast]

30. You responded to another post after mine, but you go on with your bad self. nt

[xchrom]

17. oh horseshit. nt

[cali]

18. lol. OK, Madame Grinch n/t

[joshcryer]

25. This is journalistic sensationalism, this is likely the consumerization aspect of the book.

• Addresses challenging subject matter from a philosophical standpoint, including obesity, violence, drug use, consumerism and pedophilia
• Looks at what we should do with children that fit the mould
• Explores the reasons why we idealise childhood and outlines the best way to understand and value children

I don't think you can call Dr. Faulkner a "Grinch" based on this alone.

[rucky]

20. Kids figure it out on their own & tend to play along for a few years.

because they don't want to disappoint their folks.

[cali]

26. or/and because they enjoy it too.

[joshcryer]

28. I think most people don't do the Santa thing to any extreme extent.

You might have a few people who have Santa eat the cookies and leave presents, but in my experience most people have gifts already sitting around the Christmas tree long before Santa is supposed to come.

I think that's what underscores the article, they quote from her book, which applies to a lot of fantasy scenarios, then they quote her own personal experience with Santa.

[blondeatlast]

21. Note that she let her own kids believe

"The Christmas and Easter stories are nice but I regret ever having let them believe in that," she said.

"My oldest daughter was extremely upset when she found out about Santa. She felt like she had been lied to and it's an awful feeling."

Sounds as though Dr. faulkner didn't handle the "devastating" news well--and how did her other kid react? My kid's response was, "oh, well, it was fun anyway' then on to his latest Lego project with nary a whimper.

[joshcryer]

31. Now you read the article.

It appears your experiences were different. Maybe you should write a book.

[blondeatlast]

36. I'll leave that to you, dear Uncle. I avoid judging other people

until I've walked in their shoes.

[joshcryer]

38. Some shoes are not fit for wearing.

[blondeatlast]

48. Yeah, I find Sanctimonious Know-It-Alls neither sexy nor comfortable on my feet.

They seem to work well for a great many though.

[HughBeaumont]

24. Part of the fun was wondering if he WAS real or not.

I kind of got it when I was 7 years old (thanks to a bout of anticipation insomnia and my cussing dad) but played along anyway just because that's what you DID at Christmas.

[Coventina]

33. I agree, I think it's wrong to lie to children. I grew up not believing

in Santa, and I was every bit as excited about Christmas as every other kid I knew.

Christmas is still my favorite day of the year.

[Nye Bevan]

34. I suspect that her heart is two sizes too small (nt)

[GOTV]

37. I plan on leveling with my son as well. I don't see the upside of leading him on ...

... the actual truth of Christmas is better than Santa Claus

[raccoon]

40. I totally agree with her. I felt betrayed when I found out I'd been lied to about Santa.

I vowed long ago I would NEVER raise my kids to believe in Santa.

I believe this sort of reaction that I had, is probably more common in families where TRUST IS ALREADY AN ISSUE. Which it certainly was in my family.


Also, some kids might feel like it's their fault when Santa didn't get them what they asked for, and it might be that the parents didn't have the money.

[TNDemo]

43. Trust was probably an issue in mine too.

Things between my parents kept boiling (fidelity issues but I was too young to understand) and they finally had the divorce from hell when I was 10.

I remember asking for skates and Santa wrote me this long letter about how he had given skates to kids before and they broke an arm, etc. I wasn't very happy with Santa. We always got a letter from Santa after he ate some of the food left out.

I just remember feeling like they had made a big fool out of me, that everyone was in on it but me. I need to ask my brother if he remembers finding out about Santa and if it affected him (I was the baby). Of course they were not exactly forthcoming about the divorce and other issues so maybe this is a deeper issue than just being lied to about Santa. I have always had the motto - just tell me the truth, the whole ugly truth. It may be hard but I'll deal with it. I just can't deal with the not knowing and uncertainty and half-truths.

[Coventina]

46. Hi There TNDemo! We're on the same page with this issue,

although my parents raised me to NOT believe in Santa Claus.

I had trust issues as a child, but they were innate to me. For whatever reason, I was always insecure. If they HAD done the whole Santa Claus thing I think it would have really screwed me up more.

I've watched other parents lie to their kids about various things, and it never turned out well.

[TNDemo]

50. Hi back!

Hope all is well with you.

I just emailed my brother and asked how he found out and he said his third grade teacher announced to the class they were too old to believe in Santa Claus. I asked if this upset our parents but I haven't heard back yet. I remember my dad had the number for the north pole and would call and talk to Santa during December. Somehow finding out about the tooth fairy was not so traumatic.

Bottom line about Santa is that it bothers some kids (probably the super-sensitive kind) but most do fine. I think my parents were just hardcore about "you have to believe!" and yet there was nothing to believe in.

[seabeyond]

45. i had a mother (and father) that i could trust with my best interest ALWAYS.

as my kids have that environment. i cannot even imagine santa story interferring. a concept that holds no water. i would imagine you are right. there would have to be something further that would allow the child to take santa failure beyond to what you and others are talking about.

[qb]

47. It worked for my kids - Christmas, Easter, & Halloween have always been fun games of make-believe

for us.
:bounce:

[WolverineDG]

49. Every year, some wet blanket tries to out-Grinch the Grinch

on the mistaken belief that children will become catatonic upon hearing that Santa Claus isn't real.

:eyes:

dg

[TBF]

51. Rec for your last line - I completely agree :) nt

[Douglas Carpenter]

52. a Swedish friend told me that it was the custom let children know that Santa Claus was make believe

the same way other fairy tales were make believe. That way everyone could have fun pretending without lying to children. I think that's an enlightened approach.

[defendandprotect]

61. Agree -- an enlightened appraoch!

[Angry Dragon]

53. Is she next going to go after churches and religions??

[snooper2]

54. Santa's bringing my girl a pit bull, GTA3, and a large SUV for Xmas

:rofl:

[Javaman]

55. this kind of opportunism comes out every year.

she either had a shitty childhood or knows how to push buttons to make money...or both.

Waaaaa!!! my parents lied to me!!!!

get over it. all parents lie. It's called self perservation. LOL

[The Straight Story]

56. Indeed (nt)

[Manifestor_of_Light]

57. They won't believe Jesus is real either.

There is no independent evidence that Jesus existed.
No contemporary accounts of his life.
No distinguishing characteristics of his life -- his life is just like Mithra, Apollo, Osiris and numerous other gods.

:shrug:


I saw Santa's handwriting on Christmas packages, so I have more evidence for his existence than I do for Jesus.

:shrug:

[Nye Bevan]

62. Most historians of the period agree that Jesus existed.

The majority of scholars who study early Christianity believe that the Gospels do contain some reliable information about Jesus,agreeing that Jesus was a Jew who was regarded as a teacher and healer, that he was baptized by John the Baptist, and was crucified in Jerusalem on the orders of the Roman Prefect of Judaea, Pontius Pilate, on the charge of sedition against the Roman Empire.

.....

Scholars like E.P. Sanders, Geza Vermes, John P. Meier, David Flusser, James H. Charlesworth, Raymond E. Brown, Paula Fredriksen and John Dominic Crossan have variously argued that the gospel accounts of the baptism of Jesus, his preaching, and the crucifixion of Jesus, are generally deemed to be historically authentic, while the two accounts of the nativity of Jesus, as well as certain details about the crucifixion and the resurrection, are generally deemed to be non-authentic. Charles Guignebert(1867–1939), Professor of the History of Christianity at the Sorbonne, maintained that the "conclusions which are justified by the documentary evidence may be summed up as follows: Jesus was born somewhere in Galilee in the time of the Emperor Augustus, of a humble family, which included half a dozen or more children besides himself.". He adds elsewhere "there is no reason to suppose he was not executed".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Historicity_of_Jesus

[Warren DeMontague]

69. "Most historians of the period".... according to Wikipedia.

There is no independent evidence of the existence of Jesus, outside of the bible. No confirmation. No Roman Records, no Jewish records, no nothin'. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

[pipi_k]

58. Of course, there will always be the people who will say

that they were "betrayed" when they finally discovered Santa, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny were not real.

When I was a kid, the worst betrayal of all happened from sitting up nights listening to my parents argue, watching my father beat my mother over what I thought was his own paranoia over her infidelities. Me begging my father one night when she was out to trust her because I did...I just KNEW she wouldn't do anything so rotten.


then finding out that she really was cheating on him all along.


How did I find out?

Her boyfriend's wife came to our house one evening, and she and my mother had a big old catfight in our kitchen.


When I was a kid, reality sucked.

I'm just glad I had the joy of a couple of fantasies.


This person can do with her kids what she wants...but she has NO business telling other parents what they SHOULD do.

[riderinthestorm]

59. My older girl was furious at me when she finally found out.

Hugely angry at being "lied" to. I was shocked. She was in 3rd grade at the time (7 yrs old, she'd skipped a couple of grades) and her friend had mocked her for still believing so she came home from school and demanded the truth.

I wouldn't say it was a trust busting issue though for us. She was just soooo into the fantasy (she even still liked Barney in 3rd grade, eek) that the parental bubble bursting was too much. Kill-the-messenger-kind-of-thing.

For my youngest, I took the OP's position and laid it out right from the start. I didn't dare try to "lie" to her because my older girl was watching me so carefully about it and because I really felt guilty about what happened with my first.

I always thought I was being playful and funny about it, never dreaming my serious, intelligent girl would be so furious when she discovered I'd lied.

[defendandprotect]

60. Agree ... felt slimey passing this lie onto our kids ... and

fortunately we seemed to have had other parents around and

pre-teens who were actively letting them know -- in nice ways --

just creating little doubts here and there.

Think it sets kids up to be gullible - to believe in things that aren't real.

[RegieRocker]

63. Looney toon

Let them be kids. They will have of their life spent with horrors soon enough. I hope they don't go to war.

[asdjrocky]

64. What dose she mean-

"real on Santa"?

[Zanzobar]

66. Shall the circle be unbroken?

Politicians "should not create a fantasy where voters are not given any basis for knowing what's real and what's pretend".

[sylvi]

67. I felt more betrayed when Mickey Dolenz changed his hairstyle

than I did when I finally caught on that Santa wasn't real. Neither one scarred me for life, however. To each his own I suppose.

[leftstreet]

71. LOL

:spray:

[Warren DeMontague]

68. "Parents should not create a fantasy...."? Fine. Stop taking them to church.

Oh, I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?

:hide:

[HEyHEY]

70. Fuck off, lady n/t