Need a little help figuring out "what" I am....

[Mother Of Four]

Ok...so all my life I've been considered "Pro-life" by others because I personally don't believe in abortion for convenience sake but I never push that belief on other people. So by that litmus test I guess actually pro-choice?

This is why I'm asking, my 20 year old son's GF came up pregnant today. She'd been sick the last two days, so just as an off chance we got a pregnancy test.

They have no means to support the child, she has no medical insurance, still wants to go to college and has thyroid issues that would complicate a pregnancy.

When I was carrying my last child, my doctor told me I should abort. I refused and had her anyway, and she's a joy. If I had aborted I wouldn't have this wonderfully creative and passionate daughter in my life. It was a very difficult pregnancy, but we got through it.

She's made the decision to terminate, and has an appointment on Friday to get it done. She's getting financial assistance, so the cost isn't an issue.

I'm supporting her 100% in this, but by doing that am I still being true to myself and my own beliefs? This is a confusing time for me, I would never push her to make a choice that is against her wishes. I explained each procedure and told her I would be with her every step of the way (Her mother lives in a dif state, and would NEVER understand)

I can't help but feel a small pinch in my chest over this though. Part of me feels like I should be fighting for my potential grandchild(Yes, I know that the fetus isn't viable yet that's why I said potential) the other part of me looks at this 18 year old girl who has the entire world to explore in front of her, and knows the only way the child would have any quality of life for the next few years is if my husband and I took the brunt of the expenses. The fact that we're going to a bankruptcy lawyer tomorrow, well you know what I mean.

No, I haven't said anything to her about my own views. All I did was ask her "Are you comfortable with your choice?" She said yes and I said "Ok sweetheart, lets do this then. The sooner you do, the better it will be on you physically."

I feel like a total hypocrite :(

[dawg]

1. You're doing the right thing.

My beliefs on this issue run close to yours, although mine don't really matter so much since I'll never have to make a choice myself. But you are being supportive, allowing her to make her own choice. And really, there isn't anything else you could do anyway, except act like a butthole. And I don't think you have that in you. :hug:

Prayers and good vibes to you and your family.

[JuniperLea]

2. Being pro-choice isn't always easy...

I feel for you. It's her decision; you've done the right thing.

The little soul you seek will get to you at the right time... :hug:

[el_bryanto]

3. It is hard to know what to do in a situation like that, but it sounds like you are doing it

Bryant

[RebelOne]

4. Don't feel like a hypocrite.

As a pro-choice advocate I agree with her decision. Unless you and your husband are willing to take on the expense of raising the child, she probably made the right choice.

[TygrBright]

5. Why do you feel like a hypocrite?

You stated your belief thusly:

>>I personally don't believe in abortion for convenience sake but I never push that belief on other people.<<

YOU are not having an abortion.

YOU did not push your beliefs on this young woman.

SHE is the only one entitled to make a judgment about whether her abortion is right or wrong, and act thereon.

The fact that the circumstances as you relate them may make you feel as though the reasons for HER abortion wouldn't pass YOUR standards as "acceptable," may be cause for some sadness and regret on your part-- I'm pretty sure I'd feel the same way.

But the whole thing about "not pushing that belief on other people" is as much a part of your ethical standards as the belief that abortion should only be done under certain circumstances.

You were absolutely true to that belief (good on you!)

It is HER decision about whether the circumstances warrant her terminating the pregnancy. HER body.

You are entitled to grieve the loss of what might have been a grandchild, of course. But the grandchild might never have happened for many other reasons that have nothing to do with abortion, especially if she has health factors that complicate a pregnancy.

Grieve, by all means. Reflect on your own sense of what is right and how it dictates your own actions.

But if you believe that as an almost-adult woman who is in charge of her own body and must make her own decisions, her own mistakes, and her own successes, you have acted according to your beliefs. By refraining from attempting to influence her decision you have maintained a relationship of trust with her and that may be very important in the long run.

seriously,
Bright

[Mother Of Four]

9. Thank you Bright-

I think that's what is throwing me for a loop, telling myself I shouldn't feel sad and grieve if I'm supporting her. I do believe that no one can decide for another what they do with their body.


:hug:

[rox63]

6. You are a human being with complicated emotions

But you are acknowledging and accepting that this is her decision, no matter how you feel about it. That puts you in the pro-choice camp, as far as I can tell.

[brooklynite]

7. The issue is NOT whether you believe in the appropriateness of abortion...

...it is whether you believe that the right to an abortion should be allowed -- or denied -- to those who DO think it is appropriate.

[bobbolink]

8. .

.

[ieoeja]

25. For accuracy sake, it is *not* always a hard decision.

In fact, we had a thread on DU last week in which numerous women stated they had abortions without giving it a thought. Many people, like me, view abortion as little different from, say, having teeth extracted.

And the OP in that thread specifically complained about posts claiming that it is always a hard decision. Unintentionally, your statement implies she and the other ladies are bad people for not giving a shit. I am sure you don't mean that, but you can see how it could be taken that way....

[TreasonousBastard]

10. Nah, you're not a hypocrite, but I do understand your pain...

Real life has this annoying habit of smacking us upside the head with some of our most cherished beliefs and principles. Fortunately, most of us don't have this problem very often.

Most of the "no good answer" problems are small ones that we can just dispose of without much thought or guilt, but you just got gobsmacked with a big one that will keep you awake for a while.

But, she is not your daughter, which give you less right to interfere with her decision than if she was your own. And you wouldn't have that much right to interfere even if she was yours.

This goes against your personal rules? Well, OK, I won't argue with your personal ethics, but I might argue if you imposed them upon someone else.

It's a tough one, but you already know you did the right thing -- you just have to get used to it.

[LiberalAndProud]

11. This is and should be her decision to make.

You made the right decision for you. You were free to make that choice and that was great. Still now women have this choice (sort of) and that is as it should be (sort of).

[Old and In the Way]

12. Seems to me (and, as a male, I have little/no skin in the matter),

that it's a simple medical procedure where a bunch of cells are bing removed. Yes, it carries the potential for life. But it also carries the potential for death. If you desire a child, it ought to be a joyous moment. If you don't want the lifelong obligations of that decision to carry to term, than you should have the right to terminate. Regardless, it's a decision that only the person carrying those cells can make. It's not the governments, not mine, or the busybody fundie who thinks he/she knows better than her as to what is right.

As an aside, there isn't anything in the Bible that addresses this medical procedure and, by far, Mother Nature is the #1 provider of spontaneous abortions. I understand it's an emotional issue for some people, but that should not over-ride every female's right to make the decision that is hers only to make.

[Jazz Ambassador]

13. Um, adoption?

As an adopted child myself, I'm pro-choice politically but pro-life personally. I find it odd that you present raising the child and terminating the pregnancy as the only two options here. Carrying the child to term and putting her/him up for adoption would be pro-life without leaving your family with an additional mouth to feed; in fact, it could probably be done privately with a financial arrangement that would provide some funds to help the family out, above and the beyond medical costs of the pregnancy itself.

[ohheckyeah]

21. I find it odd that

you insinuate the child is a commodity to be sold to 'help the family out'.

[Jazz Ambassador]

24. Not saying that at all

But I am saying that the reality of modern private adoption practice means that the birth mother is often financially remunerated in a way that obviates concern over the cost of carrying the child to term -- far different from the way it was when my birth mother put me up for adoption some decades ago. I suppose I phrased it badly.

[BobbyBoring]

38. There we go!

I bet you can get $50K these days for a healthy baby!

[Lars39]

33. So selling a human being is ok with you.

:puke:

[leftstreet]

14. "She's getting financial assistance, so the cost isn't an issue." ??

What kind of 'financial assistance' covers this?

[Mother Of Four]

17. A donation given to planned parenthood-

On their site it stated something to the effect that thanks to a generous anon foundation they can assist low income women.

[leftstreet]

18. She got funding the same day as her test results? That's...impressive n/t

[ChiciB1]

15. I Consider Myself Pro-Choice But Don't Think I Could Ever Have Had An

abortion myself and am glad I never had to deal with it when I got pregnant with my children. HOWEVER, my daughter did get pregnant at 17 and unmarried. She KNEW she couldn't support a child while still going to school and felt it wasn't her parents obligation to care for a child of hers. It was VERY difficult for her, but my husband and I supported her decision. She finished her schooling and now has a son and a daughter of her own.

While she was extremely upset she never has felt she made the wrong decision and feels it was the best thing to do at the time. For her adoption was NOT something she considered because she said for her it would have been more difficult knowing that someone else was raising a child she gave birth to. She feels she would have ALWAYS wondered where or what became of the child or if it really got a good home and/or upbringing.

Don't be so hard on yourself, you are NO hypocrite mainly because it's not YOU who is pregnant. That may seem a harsh thing for me to say, but the bottom line is it's HER choice. I've faced many difficult hard times in my life and wonder WHY some came my way, but then I kind of believe "things" DO happen for a reason most of the time. We don't always know the reason at the time, but I find I learn something from each experience.

Sorry you are having to deal with this, but in time perhaps it will work out. I could go on and on, but I just wanted to add my little commentary. Keep your chin up and best of luck to you... it's not easy I'm sure.

:hug:

[Mother Of Four]

19. That's how she feels about adoption as well-

She feels she wouldn't be able to cope with it, and she knows her own mind better than anyone else. That's why adoption wasn't in the OP.

Thank you, :hug:

[ChiciB1]

29. You ARE Welcome & BTW... I'm Not Even Sure If Was Was Ready Myself

to care for her child. I was working full time and like you my financial world would have been turned upside down. Would I have been happier being a very young grandmother, I really don't know.

As I said, there are times when all you can say to yourself is that "there is probably something here that I'm supposed learn." Could just be a coping mechanism for me, but many times it's pulled me through.

Good Luck & Take Care...

[lapislzi]

16. You are being 100% true to yourself

Among most thinking people of conscience, the decision to abort is not an easy one, and cannot be judged by others. Nor can the decision be judged by the grief one feels over the termination of the pregnancy, or the regret (or lack thereof) over the decision.

I had an abortion when I was a young woman. I do not regret that decision, although I'm sorry that circumstances made that decision necessary.

I am sorry for your troubles. I hope that one day you will have grandchildren to cherish in better times.

[IcyPeas]

20. I am curious

she "came up" pregnant? Were they using birth control?

"WE got a pregnancy test"

I also think it's totally up to her, but it was gracious of her to confide in you, she didn't have to.

[slackmaster]

22. You sound like a thoughtful, mature adult with the kind of conflict that all of us face

Except very shallow people who believe they have everything figured out.

K&R

:kick:

[pinkkillersheep]

23. Sounds like you need a hug.

It's a very difficult situation, and there is no "right" or "wrong". You can't help the way you feel - and no one should try to convince you otherwise. I think the best way to be true to yourself is to know and accept that she will make the right choice for herself. I'm guessing that if you influenced her in the decision, you would probably feel even more guilty.

So I guess if I were in your position (my abortion beliefs are very similar to your's) I would put on a brave face and continue doing what you're doing, then allow myself to feel everything and cry in private. Good luck, I hope you both will find peace with whatever happens.

::hug::

[Skidmore]

26. You recognize that it is her reproductive choices are hers alone to make.

You give her the respect of her own body. What can be wrong with that?

[jwirr]

27. You are still true to yourself. You said that you did not push the idea

off on other people. She is one of those other people.

[DFW]

28. Why do "pro-life" and pro-choice" need to be opposites?

I realize that the anti-abortion-rights crowd have hijacked the term "pro-life,"
but as that group also includes people who support the death penalty, and in
some cases, even the murder of doctors at family planning clinics, they come
off to me about as "pro-life" as a guy eating a 16 ounce steak comes off as vegan.

You chose not to abort. You were not forced to carry to term. You CHOSE to. You
exercised your right to choose, just as your son's GF is doing the same. Choice
does not mean "abort absolutely." It means you decide yes or no. You chose no.
Your son's GF chooses yes. You BOTH exercised your right to choose. Where's the
contradiction?

[Phentex]

39. Exactly!...

That's how I see it.

:thumbsup:

[Lynx]

30. You are no hypocrite

This young lady is fortunate to have you in her life, especially if her own mother could not be supportive of her decision.

[RainDog]

31. her life, her choice

you got to make your choices and she gets to make hers.

that's what pro choice is about. that's also what "pro-life" is about - if someone holds a belief they may act in their personal life in accordance with that belief - i.e. never have an abortion. But that doesn't mean they may extend that belief and try to enforce that belief upon others.

I'm pro-choice and had a situation in which I was offered the opportunity to terminate the pregnancy b/c of a problem. I didn't. My child has a disability. I spent the early part of his life devoted to caring for him. I am now almost bankrupt b/c of the choice I made. Oh, and I did not parade myself around like an icon while sloughing off my own child's care onto others (Sarah Palin, cough.)

People who claim they are "pro-life" don't care about the sacrifices people make and don't give a shit if someone faces hardship for doing things that are in the best interests of others once a woman has given birth. It's a sick sort of fetish, to me, to claim to care about life but then refuse to support a society that cares for people in need (I'm not referring to you, btw.)

This is why the claim to be "pro-life" vs. "pro-choice" is absolute bullshit to me.

[ecstatic]

32. They shouldn't have involved you

You did the right thing, but since the result of the decision does affect you in a way, I think this may haunt you forever, unfortunately.

[readmoreoften]

34. You're pro-choice. This is why the term "pro-life" makes no sense.

There is only really pro-choice and anti-choice. I am pro-life: as a socialist I want health care and decent living conditions for all; I want to end the war; I want women to make their own medical decisions so that they live long, fulfilling lives. I am pro-life because I am pro-choice.

[notadmblnd]

35. You know, when I was pregnant I learned a lot of what all is in involved

in bringing a pregnancy to term. And what I found myself thinking- was that, with everything that can go wrong during a pregnancy; it truly is a wonder that any child makes it into this world alive.

I said that to say- how would you feel if the girl mis-carried? Would you think that maybe it just wasn't the right time and perhaps it was for the best? There's is never a guarantee that any pregnancy will result in live birth. So why have the argument with yourself? If it isn't time, then it isn't time.. it shouldn't matter if she makes the decision or mother nature does.

[MadMaddie]

36. As an individual in charge of your body you made the

appropriate choice for yourself. It appears that you do respect other invidiuals lives and understand that they are making a choice for their well being. That's all we can ask for is that we respect each other and allow us to make our decisiions as individuals.

You are not a hypocrite, you are a supportive Mother/Mother In law and you represent what we hope all will be.

[Warren DeMontague]

37. Pro Choice just means that you recognize that it's not your call unless it's your body.

That's it.

[WhiteTara]

40. this isn't about you

and she needs to have the rest of her life and the child who is there will come again in another way.

May the blessings of the Goddess rest upon you.

[Snoutport]

41. Sigh.... I too am confused by the issue

I don't have any words of advice. Just sending some good energy your way.

[eridani]

42. You made one choice. She made another.

It's ALL choice.

[Texasgal]

43. Your thoughts should have no bearing

on HER body and HER decision.

I realize that you have an opinion about her situation, that's fine... but when it comes down to it your thoughts about it shouldn't matter. This is her choice and hers alone.

Good luck to you and your family. :)

[ReggieVeggie]

44. you're human

life doen't have black and white answers