New Mexico Chili Cookoff! (Keep an eye on #3 judge)

[Yavapai]

New Mexico Chili Cookoff
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4=2 0- BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.=2 0Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good=2 0balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report

[WiffenPoof]

1. That Is One...

...of the funniest things I've read in a long time. Especially the "no report" on Chili #8.

LOL

-PLA

[Recovered Repug]

2. The fact that Frank was looking for the Coors Light truck

should have indicated that he lacked the judgement to fill the position.

[MadMaddie]

3. Love this story!

[lunatica]

4. I laughed eight times to the point of tears!

rec'd

[librechik]

5. amusing jick.

:rofl:

[panader0]

6. I've been a judge a couple of times for the local "pods"

Winners amass points and the ones with the most points get selected for the annual Terlingua cook-off in Texas.
It's fun. Even if you aren't a judge, you can pay 2 or 3 bucks and get a small cup and every pot has to give you a sample.
And the free beer....The chiles here are meat only, no beans, onions or tomatos, only meat and chili powders. Great stuff. My GF Jeannie makes the Terlingua recipe a few times a year, great on eggs or posole.

[ThoughtCriminal]

7. Fire in the Hole!

We were once in a restaurant with our daughter and future son-in-law, who ordered chili. While we were waiting, a car can into one of the restaurant walls, creating a thunderous boom. I looked at my daughter's boyfriend and told him: "I think your chili is ready."

[davidinalameda]

8. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone

I understand how that feels

[spin]

9. My son in law gave a visitor a small dab of some mild hot sauce that I had ...

when I walked into the kitchen the poor guy was sweating profusely, his eyes were watering and his face was bright red. He was rapidly trying to drink milk.

My son in law asked just how hot the sauce was. I replied, "That sauce isn't hot at all." I poured out a teaspoon full and stuck it in my mouth. The visitor couldn't believe that I could handle that much at one time. I just smiled and walked away.

I like some of the hotter sauces such as Dave's Insanity Sauce. DA' BOMB, or Blair's Mega Death Sauce but I have found that I can use Matouk's Hot Sauces like ketchup and add a few drops of one of the hotter sauces to crank up the heat a bit.









When I was a wee lad, my father gave me a drop of Tabasco sauce on a spoon to try. The pain fascinated me and I often sampled that bottle and eventually started to enjoy the taste.

One big advantage of using hot sauce on your food is that it discourages pets from sampling your dinner when they get a chance.

[shraby]

10. Laughing out loud here.

[madokie]

11. Too funny

I'd be right with him as I don't do hot either.
thanks for the good laugh :hi:

[nebenaube]

12. that's got to be at least 35 years old... n/t

[TheCowsCameHome]

13. That is some funny stuff.

Thanks for posting.

[Tyrs WolfDaemon]

14. The good news or bad news

The good - I laughed soo hard, harder than I have in a long while and am still laughing now (I'm having to retype every other word)

The bad - My migraine is increasing in magnitude with each laugh and I have just now exceed my daily allowable dosage of Oxy by 4X.



Overall - That was awesome!:evilgrin: :toast: :hangover:

[SheilaT]

15. This is quite funny, and unfortunately

is very accurate. My experience with NM chili is that it's hot with no flavor whatsoever.

[Foo Fighter]

16. Hilarious!

Thanks for posting it!