Looking for advice dealing with an elderly parent showing early signs of dementia

[Electric Monk]

What's the best way to bring it up when they don't even want to admit its an issue? Video evidence? Bring all the family into it and do something like they do on the TV show "Intervention"?

It's still in the early stages, but I've noticed some odd behavior, like literally doing six things at once but not realizing it.

[boston bean]

1. tread very lightly.

If it's not dangerous, don't mention it.

If they are in danger, all the talking aint gonna help. You will have to take action.

[damntexdem]

21. Leave a copy of Daddyboy laying around.

"Daddyboy: A Family's Struggle with Alzheimer's" by Carol Konek.
http://www.amazon.com/Daddyboy-Familys-Struggle-Alzheimers-Graywolf/dp/product-description/1555971709

[seabeyond]

2. well, not knowing anything about anything....older people do things that they just do

cause they are older and not really dementia

like telling the same story over and over and over, lol.

but, good luck to you on this. hope you get good info

[Warpy]

3. Get the person in to a doctor for a workup

Sometimes dementia can be reversed by eliminating some medications, taking care of electrolyte imbalances, and other means. If the doctor determines it's organic mental disease, the fancy term for senile dementia, that doctor's word will carry a lot more weight than yours.

For everyone's sake, I hope it's reversible. You need to keep the old folks independent as long as you can. Once their independence is gone, it's usually a fast spiral down and out.

[Electric Monk]

4. That had occurred to me, but she's not a big fan of doctors.

I've suggested it, but got rebuffed.

[udbcrzy2]

8. I think getting the kind of doctor

That she will like is key. My mother was the same way. I found a doctor that was older and had a great bedside manner. She loved him and thought he was attractive. You may want to try to find someone who is like that for her.

My mother forgot how to do many things beginning with not remembering how to control the thermostat, then to not remembering how to use the phone, washing machine, dish washer, etc. You might want to keep a watch out for that, especially if you haven't received a call in a while. I hope it all works out well for you.

[Obamanaut]

18. That's true. My MIL is now in a nursing home, and her doctor is the

same doctor she and FIL (now deceased) have used since way before FIL died.

When he sees her, she doesn't always know who he is, but she says that she knows she likes him.

MIL is 95, Miz O spends time with her every day. MIL doesn't know who MIZ O is most of the time, but she says she knows she likes her too.

I think dementia is as cruel to relatives as it is to the person affected.

If you must end up using a nursing home, don't wait until the last minute to find one. Visit several and talk with relatives of the residents, as well as some of the residents. They will tell you what kind of a place it is.

Positive thoughts going from our house to yours.

edited to add: This response is more fitting to the OP, but I'm leaving it here anyway. I put a link in another post to bring the OP here. Thanks for your patience, and positive thoughts to you also.

[Warpy]

12. Well, tough. Just load her into the car and tell her she's going

and it's either that or a nursing home. Let her squawk but tell her she's just got to go because she can't continue on as she's been doing. You'll probably need some help doing this.

I had to do that with my own mother, physically lift her out of bed and put her into the wheel chair and just load her into the car, come as you are, Mom, in the stained t-shirt and torn shorts you haven't wanted to change for over a week, and let the doctor see what we see on a daily basis instead of dolling yourself up to fake him out. I felt like a total stinker, but it did get through to her doctor and get her some appropriate treatment.

The truth is that she knows she's slipping and that's why she's trying to refuse an evaluation. Telling her the evaluation might show up something that's easy to treat to get her back home and on her own won't sink in until and unless it happens. It's either people-please Mom or get her some help.

[Electric Monk]

13. She's not that far gone yet. She's still able to do day to day stuff.

Dressing and cleaning herself isn't the problem.

An example is, yesterday I found her baking a big batch of muffins (for nobody in particular) while doing dishes, doing laundry, washing some floors while vacuuming others, and listening (but not listening) to the radio loudly. All at the same time. All of those projects were "in progress", none completed.

[Warpy]

15. That sounds like me on one of my good days

and doesn't sound particularly pathological unless you come in the following day and find the muffins unbaked, the mop still sitting in grey water, and wet laundry starting to mildew in the dryer.

[Electric Monk]

17. That's why I said early. She's usually (used to be) much more organized than that.

There's also a bit of a family history, in that her grandmother had full blown alzheimer's disease before she passed.

[aquart]

5. And remember, dementia isn't the only thing it could be.

So definitely get a complete workup.

[enough]

6. The person experiencing this can become very defensive and feel threatened by talking about it.

This means it has to be done in the gentlest manner possible. I don't think I would use "video evidence" because that is going to make the person feel she or he is being spied on, or that people have been "gathering evidence."

Really my heart goes out to any family in this situation. The early and middle stages of dementia are so very delicate and tender for everyone's feelings. It's so frightening for the person experiencing it, and that fear can lead to outbursts of intense anger that set everybody on edge.

Tread lightly, and know you are acting out of love.

Best to you and your family.

[suston96]

7. Doesn't like doctors? Try elderly or senior centers in community.......nt

[CTyankee]

9. Thank god I was able to get my mother into Assisted Living before thathappened.

My brother had been living with her and mostly made sure stuff got done but when he had a stroke I had to jump in. We got her house sold and she went into Assisted Living in a lovely place near her old neighborhood. They were great. I flew to Dallas six times a year to see her. When she developed dementia they wanted her to go into their Special Care Unit. We were making plans to do so when she fell and broke her arm. She was 93 and she just never recovered. She went downhill steadily, not eating, and died 3 days after her 94th birthday. I'll never regret my decision to persuade her that she needed to go into Assisted Living. She had good care and lived in dignity to her final day.

[libodem]

10. Been in your shoes recently

And it is not an enviable position. My mom was fiercely protective of her independence and defiant and oppostitional regarding any deficits in her functioning. You can pm me for emotional support. Does DU have a group for this? Maybe we could chat in the mental health room?

[CC]

11. I will second what Warpy said

get them to a doctor. Make sure you go with them. We kept a notebook of the things my FIL did that made us concerned and shared it with his doctor. A full work up did not find anything physically wrong so we thought the worst as did his doctor. ( He wasn't on any other medications to cause it.) Since Poppy was living with us we knew he would be ok and we were able to make sure he was safe, etc. About two weeks later the doctor called and ask me to come in. He had been reading up on things and wanted to try an antidepressant on him. After 2 weeks on Zoloft Poppy was a completely different person, in a good way. WE eventually lost him to cancer but until then it was great to see him functional and happy. They know things aren't right and often are scared to find out why. So with all the physical test ask for a mental exam. Seems depression is more common in the elderly than we think. Good luck.




Adding, Poppy gave the doctor permission to talk to me about anything. First it was as extra ears because people miss things said then it was because he felt I understood and remembered more.

[Lynx]

14. Steps must be taken

Whatever you decide to do, be sure you do it before harm is done, i.e., she forgets to turn off the burner on the stove.
It might not be dementia at all, but you owe it to your whole family to find out.

[LiberalEsto]

16. Is there a local Office on Aging?

Call them and ask if they can suggest a doctor who specializes in treating the elderly.

[Obamanaut]

19. I put a response in the wrong place, but here's the link to it ->

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=439&topic_id=716546&mesg_id=716958

[AngryAmish]

20. Tough one

One of the feature of dementia is one cannot recognize it in themselves. It is not just frustrating but almost enraging. Do not do it by yourself. Interventions won't help but slowly take things over, like paying the bills, keeping the house. Enjoy the good times. Be prepared to take some abuse. Realize that one of the first things to go is the ability to filter one's words. All those hurtful things that one thinks and does not say, well they get said. Try to remember that they are not trying to hurt you.

Good luck.

[hedgetrimmer]

22. The patient does not need to know, the care giver needs to know.

Once dementia is diagnosed or established in the patient it is no longer their responsibility to to maintain their own integrity, because they can't. The caregiver is the primary and must make educated decisions as to what is best for the patient. Dementia in itself is a very difficult situation for caregivers and family members for the person they once knew to be cognitively aware is now slipping away. The patient will not be able to modify his/her behavior and more than likely forget they have dementia, that is why all for-mentioned information is important for the health, safety and care of not only the patient but also care givers and family.

[hedgetrimmer]

25. Also, if the patient has not been diagnosed...

There can be many reasons as to a change in a persons behavior. As stated earlier the patient must be diagnosed, you may not be realizing an actual cause to the change in behavior. Diabetes, TIA (small stroke), brain tumor, circulatory problems, Parkinson's, kidney failure and so on... It is in the best interest of the patient, family and care givers to have an accurate diagnosis.

Many of the above diagnosis are difficult to detect in the early stages yet can have profound effects on someone's disposition.

For the safety of all concerned parties the patient needs to see a doctor. If the diagnosis is dementia the Banner Inst. in Scottsdale AZ. may be of assistance in further diagnosis and possible game plan as to how to proceed. However, the most important issue is diagnosis. Your mom could be suffering from another ailment that you are not aware of. If your mother's cognition is impaired it is your responsibility to have it checked out.

[frazzled]

23. If she is showing signs of dementia, telling her won't help

Having dealt with an elderly parent (my husband's) whose dementia grew steadily in her 90s, telling the person that what they just said is "not right," or that the man at the next table is not the same person who tried to steal money from Papa in 1932, or that she can't go to visit Aunt Miriam because Aunt Miriam died 20 years ago, is not only cruel but futile. Making that person's life safe and comfortable is the objective. If they like thinking that they are going to visit a relative who no longer exists, there is no harm.

It doesn't sound like your parent is at that stage yet--far from it. I'd consult with a physician for sure. But let's face it: the brain starts to deteriorate with time, and there's not a lot to do about it. When it gets to the point where your parent is a danger to him/herself or others because they don't know where they are or what they are doing, then a skilled nursing facility is needed. I sometimes think dementia is a way of protecting oneself against the darker side of aging: you can live in a world that you've made up in your head and are oblivious to the real world much of the time. Maybe that's better. With supervision.

[Electric Monk]

24. Thanks, I hadn't really thought of it that way.

"I sometimes think dementia is a way of protecting oneself against the darker side of aging: you can live in a world that you've made up in your head and are oblivious to the real world much of the time. Maybe that's better. With supervision."

[mimitabby]

26. talk to the doctor

convince your parent to take you to their doctor with them. I don't see anything wrong with doing 6 things at once.
Could you be more specific?

talk to others that are close to him and start taking notes.

[southernyankeebelle]

27. Make her a doctor's appointment and call the doctor office before you go and

speak with the nurse to give her a heads up about your mother. Let her tell the doctor and the doctor will ask her questions. I have been where you have been. After my father-in-law died she kinda of went down hill. She was going out with people that were in their 40s and 50s and she was in her mid 80s. She would drink with them and it didnt take much to get drunk. She ended up in the ER and her doctor got very upset with her and told her she had to stop drinking. She managed to get herself arrested once because she was tispy and we had to go from work to get her at the jail house. Talk about embrassed. She said she was going for a bowl of soup in town. Everyone got a big laugh over it. I didn't like it.

[Wilms]

28. Great responses on this thread.

From personal experience, a review of meds could be VERY helpful.

Hang in there.