Raped policeman: 'I never thought I would be a victim'

[Cerridwen]

First thing I noticed when reading this was that the word "alleged" was not used; as in, he was "allegedly raped." Being the knee-jerking, hairy scary feminist that I am, I immediately went off in a huff to peruse the writers other work to find proof, proof I tells ya, that my prejudice was correct. Lo and behold and praise all the gods, I was wrong. She's actually an even handed writer who doesn't hide behind legalspeak while reporting.

The next thing I noticed while reading is that this guy never once thought to question where he was or what he was doing and now he blames himself for what happened to him; as is always the case in rape.

For any and all rape apologists who may be reading this, your insistence that a woman gets herself raped by drinking, dressing "provocatively" or some other "mistake" which you consider yourself too smart to make so therefore all rape must just be sex gone bad, is bullshit.

Raped policeman: 'I never thought I would be a victim'

A detective investigating sexual assaults was devastated when he himself was raped. But he grew even more angry when police colleagues insisted on investigating the crime. Here he tells his tale anonymously


<snip>

I've been a police officer for two decades and a detective, specialising in serious crime and sexual offences, for 15 years. Never once in all the time I've investigated these horrific crimes has it occurred to me that one day I would be a victim; that I would be raped – and that I would refuse to help the police investigate.

But a couple of weeks ago, I made a series of choices that led to me, a heterosexual man, waking up in a man's bed, trapped underneath him. Being raped. I'm still struggling to come to terms with how, despite my decades of professional experience, I made the choices that led to me being raped. At no point the evening before had I felt at risk. At no point did I think I was making a bad decision.

I also never anticipated using the service the police provide to rape victims. I've always been the one asking the questions. To be on the other side of the table has been a shock – if I investigated a sexual crime now, there are things I would do differently.

<snip to much more at link >

[Name removed]

1. Deleted message

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[EFerrari]

2. Depriving him of his anonimity could be really damaging to his career.

What a horrible situation.

[Cerridwen]

5. As it can be for any career.

Rape victims are "looked at" differently. I have no idea of your own history but I've seen what happens when a woman admits to having been raped at some point in her life. The people around her suddenly start to treat her as though she's weak or stupid or in more horrific instances, as though she's a whore. You can learn a lot about a person by how they respond.

I can imagine it would be twice as bad for a man since he's going to face the whole sexist against women thing being applied to him. Then this guy is a cop on top of it. :(

And geez, I run to the store and a subthread goes bye, bye. *sigh*

[EFerrari]

6. "As though she's weak or stupid". Exactly.

:(

[seabeyond]

3. he said he doesnt think spiked, sounds spiked to me

the story gave me chills.... so sorry for him. too many rape victims wont go public or report. just not goin got happen for too many reasons

[Cerridwen]

7. My first read through I thought "spiked" as well.

My second read...yeah, I'm still thinking "spiked." Though I guess with his background he might be more aware of symptoms to look for.

The truly chilling part was when I read, "Being a cop means I know the system, and it has scared me off."

The system makes it harder to fight.

[Gormy Cuss]

10. Other possibility is an alcoholic blackout.

It happens sometimes to very intoxicated people. Rather than passing out they continue to function in a very drunken state yet when they wake the next day they have no memory of what transpired. I've seen it happen.

[Cerridwen]

13. Good point.

I've seen the same. Geez, I wonder if I've experienced the same...I can't remember. Okay, maybe ugly place for humor but sometimes gallows humor is all there is.

[xchrom]

4. wow -- the fear, stress and confusion contained in that recollection.

i feel very bad for that person.

[Cerridwen]

8. Yeah, it's horrific.

Unfortunately, it sounds like so many rape stories I've heard or read. They trusted someone, or at the very least didn't think them a danger. They don't want to report because the system victimizes them again. Then when people know...well, read my reply to EFerrari upthread.

[hootinholler]

9. Kick for later n/t

[Snoutport]

11. My experience with the date-rape drug....very, very, VERY lucky

I'm a big tall strapping football built gay dude. I've never had to worry about being overwhelmed by someone physically. On a trip to Italy three guys tried to beat me over the had with a bat and rob me and I beat the crap out of them. I've just never had to worry.

A couple of years ago I was downtown and decided to go have a drink. I wandered into a bar, ordered a drink and this guy started talking to me. He was from out of town, very friendly...he watched my drink while I went to the bathroom. I came back and took a sip of my drink (straight vodka). I know you're not supposed to taste anything with the date rape drugs but it did taste different. i set it down and told the guy it was nice to meet him, that I was gonna head home. He insisted I stay and talk, pushed my drink back into my hand, kept trying to get me stay. I drank about half the drink then told him goodbye. He followed me out into the street pretty much begging me to just go back to his room to hang out for a little while.

I declined and headed to my car. I noticed one of my tires was a little flat so I stopped at the gas station and put some air in the tire. When I bent over the tire I lost my balance and felt totally woozy. I was shocked...I hadn't eaten but I'd only had half a drink. That was the last thing I remembered.

I woke up around 5 a.m. laying on the floor of my entry hall. Somehow I had driven home from the gas station, unlocked the door and then collapsed. I was lucid but couldn't move. I couldn't even sit up or move my legs. My dog was licking me and worried. (A good dog considering she stayed with me even with the front door wide open) I struggled, tried to move, but the best I could do was raise my head. I passed back out and woke up around 10 and was able to get up.

I have no doubt this guy slipped something into my drink and then tried to get me to go back to his room. He most certainly would have raped me and infected me with God knows what.

But it shook my confidence in myself. I doubted every stranger for a long time. I also didn't go out for months after that and when I finally did I realized I had become a bit terrified to let my drink out of my hand.

A long story, maybe with no real point...but I wanted to share.

[moriah]

14. Thank you for sharing....

... I'm sorry this happened to you. It is very scary having had your power stolen in that way. If you ever do need someone to talk to... feel free to PM me.

[Snoutport]

18. Very kind of you :0)

I think I've done ok with it--but it does knock a fellow down a peg on the "i can take care of myself" scale.

Your offer touched me though. I appreciate it.

[Cerridwen]

15. Thank you for sharing that.

That would be terrifying.

The confidence thing is one of those it can be hard to overcome as the years go by. Some never get over it. An entire life spent not trusting anyone; it's very sad.

BTW, I like your dog. :)

[Snoutport]

17. Thank you very much. Haven't told many people about it but it feels good to have shared

She was a great dog!!!! Her hobby was adopting animals..ducks, cats, me. :0)

[niyad]

22. obviousl your dog was extremely intelligent--she chose you.

[tblue37]

25. I had an adult male cat who used to bring home stray kittens for me to take

care of. Luke was such a sweet cat!

[niyad]

20. thank you for sharing this with us. I hope you had, and have, a good support system. you know you

have a good one here.

[moriah]

12. THIS. To all who think rape allegations are made easily... THIS.

I agree that every person who goes before the court system should get a fair trial. DNA evidence has helped with that.

But deciding whether or not to come forward and report being raped is one of the most difficult decisions any victim makes. I've been the friend that more than one victim of sexual abuse has come to as the first person they told. One chose to report and cooperate, but had significant personal reasons for doing so -- she wanted to protect her little sister. The outcome still devastated everyone. And while she personally didn't have her name in the papers, coming forward at all meant more people had to know about something she would have rather forgotten.

Testifying can be freeing for many, but whether they decide they want to actually go through the process to prosecute and assist in the prosecution is usually a decision made well before going to the police. For him, being an officer meant he was much closer to them than most. But if you force a person to prosecute you are again taking choice away from them.... when the entire reason that rape is wrong is that it is a force versus choice issue. It is about power dynamics. And for the person healing from having one choice taken away from them, they *need* their right to make their own choices respected.

Because as this officer knows, the process is NOT easy. Why would anyone subject themselves to the trauma if they weren't telling the truth about what happened to them? I'll never understand it.

[Cerridwen]

16. Great post! Thanks. I can't add one thing to it. n/t

[Withywindle]

23. +10,000!

I think a lot of people simply do not realize how unsafe the system is for rape and sexual abuse victims. It can be a kind of "second rape"--being treated callously, being forced to relive the worst moment of your life over and over for no certain outcome, being exposed and vulnerable and often insulted and degraded all over again. This is true for both female and male victims. The system is BROKEN.

For every one survivor who makes the choice to go through with it, there are many who don't, and they have valid reasons not to do so. When it happened to me, I didn't tell for many years later. I had reasons that seemed very compelling at the time (and still do, honestly, in retrospect).

[FirstLight]

19. very powerful story

I can;t say anything to add to that... thanks for sharing

[niyad]

21. it is so sad that he had to experience rape first hand before he could make this statement:

"if I investigated a sexual crime now, there are things I would do differently." so sad for all the sexual crimes he has investigated.

[seabeyond]

24. ya. but that is why so many issue between the genders are not really understood

or validated. the ability to truly understand when never having experienced is very very hard.

[Solly Mack]

26. K&R