Honestly, officer, I wasn't masturbating, I just spilled tabasco on my penis.

[cali]

Flier Blames Tabasco Spill For Lewd Act
Cops: Man exposed self to teenage girl on SkyWest flight

Arrested this week for allegedly masturbating while seated next to a teenage girl on an airplane flight, the 50-year-old suspect told police that he was actually massaging and itching himself because he had spilled Tabasco sauce on his penis.

Escamilla’s unique explanation for his alleged indecent exposure is contained in police reports detailing the December 26 incident on a SkyWest Airlines flight from Salt Lake City to Lewiston, Idaho. Escamilla, a Florida resident, was in Idaho visiting family.

The girl, a high school cheerleader who just turned 17, told cops that she was seated directly next to Escamilla, and had chatted briefly with him at the trip’s outset. Mid-flight, as she looked at prom dresses in Seventeen magazine, the teenager spotted something moving “out of my corner of my eye.”

In a handwritten statement, the girl recalled, “I looked over and I could clearly see the man’s penis going side to side under the tray table that was down.” Escamilla, she added, had one hand on his laptop (which was atop the tray table) and the other “under the tray table.” Escamilla is pictured in the above mug shot.

<snip>

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/flier-blames-tabasco-spill-lewd-act

[Rabrrrrrr]

1. I often "scratch Tabasco itches"

What a moron.

But, he helped add a new word to the lexicon. Now we have "hiking the Appalachian Trail" and "scratching a tabasco itch".

[KansDem]

2. Does tabasco come in 3-oz bottles?

Because if it doesn't, how did he get it on the plane. Where were the TSA guys and gals?

Okay, okay...there's a 1/8 oz size:


and there's a 2 oz. size:


...so the guy might be telling the truth!

[blondeatlast]

4. Yes, but it doesn't come in white... nt

[Initech]

3. It's not illegal it's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.

"I'm pretty sure that's illegal too."
"Yeah well maybe after 9/11 when everyone got so sensitive. Thanks a lot Bin Laden."

:rofl:

[Kennah]

8. So 19 hijackers armed with ...

This is my weapon, this is my gun ...

[Initech]

21. !!!!

:rofl:

[NHDemProg]

39. I loved that movie...

...and then there were two, two people in my wolfpack.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

5. How did he get tabasco sauce on his pecker in the first place?

[Kennah]

6. Texas hooker on lunch break

[pipi_k]

10. Good question because...

any bottles I've ever seen would never spill...

you had to literally shake the stuff out...

[blondeatlast]

17. As a Tabasco fan, I can attest to that. It's impossible to get the cap off even if,

for wahtever reason*, you wanted to--smart move on McIlhenny's part.

*Why I tried (at 15)--I just wanted to see if it could be done. I even tried with no gloves on--I will not do that again.

[Buns_of_Fire]

24. ...hence the vigorous up-and-down hand motion required.

Of course, this probably begs the question of why he'd be dousing his junk liberally with Tabasco.

[niyad]

11. that was my first thought, and then. . .I really don't want to know!!!!

[Forkboy]

37. What a stupid question!

:evilgrin:

[phleshdef]

47. If you get any on your hands and then urinate without washing them first, it can happen.

I had it happen to me once when I was a teenager, no joke. It was horrible.

[pipi_k]

7. A little tip for the next time he has a toxic tabasco spill...

it's probably better to rinse it with milk.

I'm real sensitive to certain spices that cause actual pain in my mouth, and if I get a hold of food that contains them, I have to hold a mouthful of milk for a few minutes to stop the burning.



um, not that I believe his story or anything...

:+

[Kennah]

9. Note to self

Must pickup tabasco and milk, then explain to the wife how ...

[pipi_k]

12. Actually make it a little kinky....

I suppose any dairy product would work...


I say go for the whipped cream antidote


:evilgrin:

[Kennah]

13. Must call costume shop about female TSA officer costume

[ChoppinBroccoli]

14. Speaking As Someone Who's Actually Had Tobasco On His Nether Regions.............

..........he'd be doing a lot more than what he was doing. I recall standing under an ice cold shower with a large plastic cup, continually dousing myself with cold water and praying to every deity of every known religion to make the pain stop.

And before you ask why I had Tobasco sauce down there, the answer is simple: it was college, and I was a pledge (and this was before hazing of the pledges was frowned upon--like masturbating on an airplane).

[cali]

16. WHOA. that is cruel.... and unusual.

[tabasco]

45. That's a lie!

I never molested your nether regions!

[xchrom]

15. wait...what? --

:rofl:

[NV Whino]

18. And Tobasco sales go through the roof

Seriously, he was eating neked? How does one spill Tobasco sauce on one's penis?

[pipi_k]

19. I suspect...

he accidentally dragged it through the salsa at Taco Bell

[Buns_of_Fire]

25. (Yeah, I hate it when that happens...) nt

[Codeine]

20. "itching himself"

WTF? When the FUCK did "scratching" become "itching"?

[blondeatlast]

23. When one is desperately clutching for an alternative explanation for the obvious.

Possible pun unintended.

[Warren DeMontague]

22. DON'T TOUCH MY JUNK!!!

Well, I guess we can add "Tobasco Masturbating Guy" to 2010's celebrities. Right under the wire, buddy.

[OneGrassRoot]

29. LOL!

:rofl:

:thumbsup:

[gratuitous]

34. That's IT!

He was making a pre-emptive strike against any TSA screener who got overly familiar with him. "Sure thing buddy! Grope away! Heh, heh, heh."

[tomm2thumbs]

26. gonna be an interesting court appearance

Escamilla is an accomplished physical therapist who holds a Ph.D. and has worked as a professor at Duke University and California State University. Escamilla currently works as research director at the Florida orthopedics and sports medicine institute founded by Dr. James Andrews, the noted surgeon whose clientele has included Michael Jordan, Peyton Manning, Charles Barkley, Jack Nicklaus, Roger Clemens, and Drew Brees.

[blondeatlast]

36. Gonna be an interesting return to work, too.

But damn, would I pay to watch it; oh, yes, indeedy!

[badtoworse]

27. I never had any on mine

But if I did, I think it would be a lot more intense than an "itch"

[Withywindle]

28. The OTHER 'underwear bomber' nt

[pinboy3niner]

30. Gives a whole new meaning to the term 'hot pants'! nt

[Sonoman]

31. That's illegal?

Damn, I'm lucky.

Sonoman

[bemildred]

32. In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA,

in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' "He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin?

Damn...is it midnight already?

[Warren DeMontague]

33. ...Couldn't Mr. Lawrence have just purchased a pumpkin and brought it home for the carnal deed?

I mean, pumpkins are pretty cheap.

Cheaper than spending the rest of your life known as "Patrick the pumpkin fucker", that's for sure.

[blondeatlast]

35. Imagine Mr. Lawrence and Mr. Tabasco heading back to work on Monday...

Hmm... I haven't seen pumpkins in the markets since Halloween. Maybe that was his problem, but still, you'd think he'd go home at least.

[bemildred]

44. He was drunk. This sort of thing happens when you are drunk. nt

[pipi_k]

38. New movie coming out this Spring: "One-eyed Snakes On A Plane"

[tomm2thumbs]

40. DUzy!

and then some

[Warren DeMontague]

41. I see a new marketing slogan:

"Don't just masturbate, Tobascurbate!"

[Maine-ah]

if he spilled tobasco on his manliness....

he'd be running screaming to a bathroom.

here's a story to go with it...

an old boyfriend of mine, had just finished cutting up some hot peppers to go with dinner. He then sat down to watch a football game. During games he had a bit of a habit to stuff his hand down the front of his pants. He hadn't washed his hands after cutting the peppers. Get where I'm going with this? I have never seen a man scream like that before, nor run so quickly for the shower. Idiot in the process managed to rub one of his eyes too.

oh, it still makes me :rofl: when I think about it.

[Maine-ah]

42. if he spilled tobasco on his manliness....

he'd be running screaming to a bathroom.

here's a story to go with it...

an old boyfriend of mine, had just finished cutting up some hot peppers to go with dinner. He then sat down to watch a football game. During games he had a bit of a habit to stuff his hand down the front of his pants. He hadn't washed his hands after cutting the peppers. Get where I'm going with this? I have never seen a man scream like that before, nor run so quickly for the shower. Idiot in the process managed to rub one of his eyes too.

oh, it still makes me :rofl: when I think about it.

[meow mix]

43. what, i was just making a hot dog

why all the commotion?

[phleshdef]

46. To be fair, I've gotten hot pepper juice on mine before.

You eat something, you don't wash your hands before going to the bathroom, you touch it while urinating... then the burning starts. Its not good.

[musette_sf]

48. Oh, I thought this was about the "Porno Gil" episode

of "Curb Your Enthusiasm".

http://www.tv.com/curb-your-enthusiasm/porno-gil/episode/69313/trivia.html?tag=cast_summary;trivia#quotes