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Profile Information

Gender: Female
Hometown: CA
Home country: USA
Current location: NC
Member since: Wed Aug 17, 2005, 02:29 AM
Number of posts: 25,210

About Me

I stand on the sand, and I'm rocking grief to sleep in my arms.

Journal Archives

My daughter died 20 years ago today.

Twenty years on. This anniversary is never fun, but it feels like a milestone I did not, at the time, think I would ever see. At the time, every minute passing by was a torture as I grappled with an intolerable fact that every cell and every thought and emotion rejected.

I wondered how to live if Bekah didn't. Twenty years on, I think I've learned and managed about as well as possible given her persistent absence. Still miss her, always will. Still feel her near me and take comfort in little signs I fancy she sends me.

"Sad soul, take comfort, nor forget
That sunrise never failed us yet" - Celia Thaxter

Early on I scolded the sun for daring to rise if Bekah wasn't alive. Night after sleepless night I watched it do it anyway. I gazed at the rising sun, begging it to bring me back my girl. Just let me see her ghost. Her face. Her smile. To this day I fall out longing for a visit from her as I dream. It happens sometimes. She's different ages in these dreams. Sometimes I know she's dead, other times I don't until I wake up.

The sun did persist in rising, day in, day out, for twenty years now. It has done so again today. It feels like a milestone I must memorialize, even if I don't know how. I want to write a poem but the words elude me. I want to make a painting but my hand is shaky and I don't think I'll like what results. So here we are. Twenty years.


Chauvin sentencing.

his mother: "I believe a lengthy sentence will not serve Derek well."

it will serve justice. I started watching the sentencing as it was ongoing so it may already be known, but just wanted to comment on this. Apparently his mother never watched the video of George Floyd's murder.

I am entirely unswayed by this woman. I did watch the video, in the context of the trial. It took me that long to watch it because I knew it was horrific.

shoulda been a 1st degree conviction imo. he had almost 10 minutes to decide to murder George Floyd.

ETA now his lawyer. someone i hold in contempt and will probably not listen to today.

ETA 22 1/2 years.

so I've kinda quit watching the news. /rant on

I still read DU and WP and other sources. But this morning I thought I'll click on MSNBC.com and watch some shows I actually miss a bit (Chris Hayes, Nicolle Wallace, Brian Williams primarily).

but i was running around a little while it was on. anyhow.

So on the 11th Hour, discussing the record steal from congress members by trump's DOJ, one of the pundits, a woman who I cannot name, said, "But this is not trump's DOJ, this is Biden's DOJ."

BULLSHIT. in virtually every institution of government, trumpsters are still making life hell for Americans, flaunting the rule of law, abusing their power, and they are not all gone. Not by a long shot. Who's running the post office for instance? ICE is still running amok.

Joe Biden cannot turn around the damage in 3 months or 4 years or 8 years. I've said since 2017 that it will be generations. I do not appreciate pundits who insist on boiling it down to "now" and "then" as if "then" is not now and for years and years to come, infecting both now and the future.

FFS it pisses me off. It's not simple, and these people come on with their powerful voices and try to make it simple. Don't do that. Just tell the fucking truth.

/rant off

I'm so happy for George Floyd's loved ones.

I know justice was denied in my daughter's case, but at least her killer went away for a little while. I have friends who never learned who killed their child and others who know who killed their child but the police never got enough evidence to charge. I was in the courtroom when a jury hung for the person who killed my friend's child. the police never took him back to trial.

George is still dead, but I feel sure that his family feels much better today than they did yesterday. I hope so.

Eddie Glaude's 'Gut Is Tight' Waiting For The Chauvin Trial Verdict Deadline MSNBC

Johnson and Johnson Vaccine Pause: A Rare Blood Clot Called Cerebral Venous Sinus Thrombosis (CVST)

MedCram with a great discussion on the J&J pause

MedCram COVID update

I can't stand Chauvin's attorney.

I'm just now catching up on testimony and have to skip past his, then watch the prosecution's rebuttal testimony. What I noticed today is that Nelson does almost all of the talking when he cross examines. All he wants from the witness is confirmation of his twisted attempts to create reasonable doubt, so he says what he says and all he gets is a yes or correct from the witness.

basically, he uses his time ostensibly examining the witness to testify. Is this objectionable? I certainly find it objectionable, but I'm not a lawyer.

Improving The Immune System and Stress Amidst COVID 19

so no witnesses.

it's a done thing. i hate this.

over the weeks of watergate hearings, many, many republicans changed their minds about whether he should be impeached and convicted. we're losing that. this rush job sucks.
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