Health Insurance CEO Reveals Key To Company's Success Is Not Paying For Customers Medical Care

[geardaddy]

https://www.theonion.com/health-insurance-ceo-reveals-key-to-company-s-success-i-1823515696

HARTFORD, CT—During a panel presentation about his company’s recent 76 percent quarterly profit spike, Aetna CEO Mark Bertolini disclosed Monday that the key to increasing earnings in an era of ballooning costs continues to hinge on not paying for customers’ medical care. “The secret to running a thriving multi-billion-dollar company like Aetna is in the cultivation of a loyal consumer base whose medical needs you rarely, if ever, pay for,” said Bertolini, who went on to advise young entrepreneurs to first build financial reserves through a business model in which subscribers spend an exorbitant amount each month for prescriptions, doctor visits, and surgical procedures, and then preserve their capital by exercising all due diligence and consistency by never paying for expensive, profit-deflating exigencies such as prescriptions, doctor visits, and surgical procedures. “If you want broad profit margins in today’s constricted marketplace, all you need to do is find a market which you can offer absolutely nothing while taking all of your customers’ money. That describes today’s modern health insurance market to an uncanny degree—In 2017, our largest customer-facing expense was advertising.” At press time, Aetna’s stock value rose by 6 percent as the company announced a premium hike.

[malaise]

1. Good effin' grief

This is madness

[area51]

2. I'll never understand why more people here aren't pissed off at these agencies.

OT: I was told one of my ancestors was from Wales.

[geardaddy]

9. I agree.

I'm pissed at Blue Cross Blue Shield of Minnesota. Every year they raise my premium AND raise my deductible, then cover less and less of my medical bills. It's just a rip off.

OT: Cool about your ancestor! My grandmother's parents came from Wales.

[mitch96]

3. Duh!

It's like "buy low, sell high".. Like this guy said, If you take in a bunch of money, and don't spend it, you make a huge profit!!! Doctors told me they sometimes have a staff that just deals with insurance companies to get them to approve requests for service.. Insurance companies first answer is NO! and then NO again... and again and again.
And you wonder why doctor bills are so high?
m

[mitch96]

4. Wait a min. This is the Onion

Is this legit?
m

[geardaddy]

6. Yes, it is The Onion.

[Control-Z]

12. Oh, thank gawd.

I usually spot these satire pieces from the Onion, Borowitz...

Not this one. I fell for it, wholly and completely, hook, line and sinker. I was under the impression, as I read it, that it was recorded secretly at a closed meeting of some kind. What does that say about me? What does that say about our healthcare system and the overall emotional health of our citizenry at this point? Damn.

[Ron Obvious]

5. The Onion?

This seems to be the truth, though.

[geardaddy]

7. Zactly.

That seems to be the case with healthcare [sic] companies.

[Hortensis]

8. Don't hire over 40, don't keep over 50.

My god. At a time when one would expect the dreadful consequences as companies KILL their markets to finally be forcing business to wake up, Aetna charges on toward the end of the tracks for the last profits.

In case the inevitable consequence isn't clear: Business is getting out of providing insurance.

Aetna knows that. Its top executives will use their gold parachutes to bail just in time. Deja vu for auto executives, anyone?

Oh, and I have a word for cap-P Progressives because it's way past time for those capable of joining Democrats to say a huge NO to no insurance to do so. How to do you like the ACA now?

[geardaddy]

10. It's actually The Onion

but it still rings kind of true.

[Hortensis]

11. All that emotion wasted? But it DOES ring basically true

because it's happening, and I've known it all along.



I fell, but my defense is who shouldn't expect the bizarre worst from big business these days? I was not surprised enough for The Onion that Aetna was able to market a transition role as businesses prepare to shed their health insurance burden, because they're already doing that.

The ACA wasn't just a promise of more wellbeing for us, but for significantly higher profits for employers because health insurance has become just too damned expensive for them.

Those who didn't like the ACA: How do like the ACA now?