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Wed May 2, 2018, 05:00 PM

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-16: My Beautiful Dark Twisted MAGA Fantasy Edition

Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-16: My Beautiful Dark Twisted MAGA Fantasy Edition

Welcome back to the Top 10 Conservative Idiots! For more information, see our ad in Golf Digest Magazine! So I think I may have found the perfect race for the rest of us who aren’t exactly what one would call physically fit. This takes place in the town of Boerne, Texas. So it starts out with a pint of beer – already they speak my language, and it ends with a pint of beer. But here’s my favorite part of the race – there is a coffee and donuts station about halfway through the race! Because what says “5K race” more than beer, coffee, and donuts? I feel like this is more of a brisk walk to get coffee and donuts with the added bonus of a good, couple of pints of beer thrown in for good measure! I’m sure the physical fitness buffs in the audience will back me up here, but wouldn’t these things be contradictory to the idea of a 5k? Yes and I have participated in 5Ks. But what makes this one different is that it appeals to the most physically fit among us, and the least physically fit among us. I definitely fall into the latter category. You can tell. Yes, physical fitness is not exactly my strong point. But comedy is, well sort of. Just ask me what time I can run a full mile. Um… I’ll finish eventually! But here’s the best part – it’s not even an actual 5K run! It’s an 0.5K run, so we can eat all the donuts and drink all the beer we want, god bless America! OK that’s enough of the intro. We got a lot of idiocy to get to. But first we got to play Bill Maher’s new rules segment from last week where he had an open letter to Roseanne and made some really excellent points:

In the number one slot this week we’re going to recap the shit show that followed the White House Correspondents Dinner (1) because conservatives still don’t understand how comedy works. In the second slot, we’re going to talk about the end of the Korean War. Yes, nearly 50+ years of conflict is coming to a formal end this week, but should Trump get all the credit for it? No! Especially when we have far greater threats to worry about. Taking the third slot this week, we’re going to talk about the burgeoning bromance between Trump (3) and Kanye West. Yes, Kanye is back and well he hasn’t really changed much. At number four is the Groper’s Club (4). So Bill Cosby finally got convicted of first degree sexual assault over last week, but the day after, Charlie Rose announced a new show where he reveals the real victims of MeToo – the men. Yeah cry me a river. In the fifth slot we have a new installment of “This Fucking Guy” and we’re going to profile Trump’s new Secretary Of State Mike Pompeo. If you thought Rex Tillerson was scary, you ain’t seen nothing yet! At number 6 is our now weekly investigative piece Top 10 Investigates (6) and this week we’re going to talk cults. They have been in the news a lot lately thanks to Smallville actress Allison Mack, and we’re going to go deep inside the NXIVM cult at the center of this controversy. At number 7 is of course our weekly sermon of all things holy, Holy Shit, and this week, among other things, we’re going to talk about the closing of Memories Pizza. Yes, the pizza parlor at the center of the country’s biggest gay wedding controversy is now just a memory. Fuck you, I’m not filing that, I’ve been waiting a week to make that joke, sir! Taking the 8th slot this week is Ford Motor Company (8). So their new CEO announced a bold new decision by Ford executives to take the money and run. Yes, we’ll explain more. At number 9 (NEIN!!!!) is a new installment of People Are Dumb, because, well, People Are Dumb. Finally this week we’re live at the home of the Portland Trailblazers – Portland’s Moda Center! This week it’s the Batshit Conference Championship. Will Kentucky prevail and advance to the Final Four, or will Virginia continue their Cinderella story? Plus it’s the final week of our punk month and we have a live performance for you from the one and only Rancid! And as always don’t forget the key!

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[font size="8"]White House Correspondents Dinner Recap
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So who else enjoyed watching the shit show that followed Michelle Wolf’s epic ownage of the room at the White House Correspondents Dinner? I know I did. See here’s the first rule of comedy, conservatives, and any comedian will tell you this – don’t dish it out if you can’t take it. And no one dishes it out on a regular basis quite like conservatives. They call us “libtard” and tell us to go eat Tide Pods on a regular basis. And they can’t really go crying to mama when we fight them back.

Trump-era White House Correspondents' dinners are somewhat subdued affairs—our thin-skinned president is off basking in the adoration of his base at a rally, and the stars who studded the event during the Obama years are nowhere to be found. Enter former Daily Show contributor Michelle Wolf, who offered a truly no-holds-barred attack on the Trump administration.

"Like a pornstar says when she’s about to have sex with a Trump," she opened, "Let’s get this over with." Wolf worked her way through the litany Trump administration disgraces, touching on the Roy Moore scandal, the revolving door of cabinet officials, and Don Jr.'s impressively slick mane.

Wolf's routine was raunchier than that of her predecessors. She was reluctant to talk about Russia and collusion, she said, as there were many members of the liberal media in the audience. "And I've never really wanted to know what any of you look like when you orgasm. Except for maybe you, Jake Tapper."

She also described the MeToo movement as "probably the reason I'm here."

I’m sure Trump was doing that too. But see conservatives you already broke the first rule of comedy. And here’s the whole underlying irony of this whole thing – remember back in the 2016 election when Trump fans – railing against “snowflakes” wore these shirts?

Yeah those people have literally turned into the whiny crybabies they claim to despise! Irony has now come full circle in this administration! So where was Trump if you may ask? Well I answer you:

President Donald Trump has heaped more criticism on comedian Michelle Wolf for her divisive performance at Saturday’s White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner, calling her “filthy” and suggesting the annual event be canceled.

“The White House Correspondents’ Dinner was a failure last year, but this year was an embarrassment to everyone associated with it,” the President tweeted on Sunday night. “The filthy ‘comedian’ totally bombed (couldn’t even deliver her lines-much like the Seth Meyers weak performance). Put Dinner to rest, or start over!” Trump made a reference to late-night host Seth Meyer’s 2011 performance at the dinner, in which the comedian roasted Trump.

In her scathing, 20-minute address, Wolf ripped into the Trump administration and took particular aim at White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She also threw barbs at Ivanka Trump, “as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons,” and Kellyanne Conway, “the perfect last name for what she does.”

Says the guy who not only didn’t watch it – went out of his way to not attend! Just like last year. The guy who roasts everyone daily can’t handle getting roasted himself. Snowflake! But my favorite part of the whole evening had to come from Dennis Miller. Yeah remember that guy? The guy who could make obscure pop culture references at the drop of a hat? Well he’s slipping a bit. And by a bit, I mean a lot!

It’s been basically accepted that once-beloved comedian Dennis Miller went through a serious personality change on 9/11, and that he’s been a reactionary since.

Miller became so enraged by the attack on the World Trade Center that he literally could not talk.

“I couldn’t put together a sentence for two weeks, much less something pithy,” he once said.

When he did start talking again, Miller mostly spit venom about terrorists.

Which perhaps makes it unsurprising that Miller did not like Michelle Wolf’s controversial, brilliant and hilarious White House Correspondents’ Dinner performance.

“What a horrid human being Michelle Wolf is. I’m going to read up on her over the next couple of days and I will have a few brutally mean jokes about her by Wednesday,” he tweeted early Sunday morning.

Yeah OK sure, Dennis. Way to improv there when you need four days to write a joke! How many obscure pop culture references are you going to cram into a Crystal Pepsi minute? Thank you! So back to the WHCD – here’s the other thing about comedy that conservatives need to learn – don’t be surprised when you get called out on your bullshit, which is what Michelle did to Trump spokeswoman and woman whose couch is most likely covered in cat hair, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Comedian Michelle Wolf has drawn criticism from political pundits following her comments about White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders at Saturday's White House Correspondents' Dinner.

Sanders, who was in attendance and seated on the dais as Wolf made her comments, was mocked for her job performance and also for her appearance. "Every time Sarah steps up to the podium, I get excited because I’m not sure what we’re going to get: a press briefing, a bunch of lies or divided into softball teams," the comedian said during the event. She also compared the press secretary to the villainous, dour Aunt Lydia from The Handmaid's Tale and made comments about Sanders' makeup, saying, "She burns facts then uses that ash to create the perfect smoky eye."

The comments drew the ire of several political pundits, including MSNBC's Morning Joe cohost Mika Brzezinski. "Watching a wife and mother be humiliated on national television for her looks is deplorable," Brzezinski tweeted Sunday morning. "I have experienced insults about my appearance from the president. All women have a duty to unite when these attacks happen and the WHCA owes Sarah an apology."

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[font size="8"]The End Of The Korean War
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While we were sleeping, or enjoying our post WHCD vodka-induced benders, Kim Jong Un is actually taking steps to avoid a nuclear war in North Korea with Donald Trump. And by conservative logic, or complete lack thereof, just the mere act of threatening war with North Korea is enough to give Trump the Nobel Peace Prize, and that isn’t just awarded to anybody.

The Korean War will be formally declared over after 65 years, the North and South have said.

At a historic summit between leaders Kim Jong-Un and Moon Jae-in, the neighbouring countries agreed they would work towards peace on the peninsula with a formal end to the conflict set to be announced later this year.

The pair agreed to bring the two countries together and establish a "peace zone" on the contested border.

The war began in 1950 and most fighting came to an end with an armistice three years later. But peace was never officially declared and the two countries have been officially at war ever since.

At their first summit in more than a decade, the two sides announced they would seek an agreement to establish "permanent" and "solid" peace on the peninsula.

"The two leaders declare before our people of 80 million and the entire world there will be no more war on the Korean peninsula and a new age of peace has begun," the official declaration sai

Damn Windows 10!!! So now guess who’s trying to take credit for ending 50+ years of conflict in one of the most dangerous zones known to man? Bet you didn’t think it was going to be him, did you? And you think you’re so smart!

SEOUL, South Korea — Several months ago, South Koreans considered President Trump as dangerous as North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong-un, as the two traded threats of nuclear annihilation.

Now, commentators and others in Seoul think Mr. Trump deserves a Nobel Prize for helping start the unexpected peace process unfolding on the divided Korean Peninsula. On Monday, South Korea’s president, Moon Jae-in, said he felt the same.

Mr. Moon’s endorsement of a Nobel for Mr. Trump, who has faced one ethical scandal after another at home, came as the South Korean leader presided over a meeting of his senior presidential staff on Monday. During the meeting, Mr. Moon received a telegram from Lee Hee-ho, a former first lady of South Korea, congratulating him for a successful summit meeting with Mr. Kim on Friday and wishing him a Nobel Peace Prize.

“It’s really President Trump who should receive it; we can just take peace,” Mr. Moon was quoted by his office as saying.

Yes, why. Let me see if I can extrapolate the logic of the Trump supporter for a minute. Trump positioned the US military to physically threaten North Korea if they didn’t disarm, and nearly brought the whole world to the brink of nuclear war. But then we learned that guy who’s been the real threat the whole time isn’t in Pyongyang, he’s in Moscow. So by that logic, yeah, I guess Trump deserves the Nobel Peace Prize, but he has about as much of a chance of winning that as I do the Powerball.

As a candidate, Donald Trump expressed support for reinstating military torture, dropping bombs on the wives and children of enemy combatants, and mass murdering Muslim prisoners of war with bullets dipped in pig’s blood. As president, he has praised police brutality, closed America’s border to Syrian refugees, defended white supremacists, demonized Central American immigrants, threatened thermonuclear war over Twitter, and endorsed extrajudicial assassinations of suspected drug users as a public health policy.

And yet, Trump’s aides believe he just might win a Nobel Peace Prize. And that notion is a tad less crazy than it sounds.

You may have trouble picturing Donald Trump as a world-historic peacemaker. But Donald Trump doesn’t. As the president contemplates his upcoming summit with Kim Jong-un, he feels confident that his unique deal-making skills will allow him to resolve the tensions that have kept the Korean peninsula in a cold war for 65 years — and led Pyongyang to cling to a nuclear arsenal at immense economic and diplomatic cost. As Axios reports:

President Trump views the North Korean crisis as his “great man” of history moment.

The big picture: He came into office thinking he could be the historic deal maker to bring peace to the Middle East. He’s stopped talking about that. There’s very little point. The peace deal looks dead and cremated. But Trump wants to sign his name even larger into the history books, and he views North Korea as his moment.

Sources close to him say he genuinely believes he — and he alone — can overcome the seemingly intractable disaster on the Korean Peninsula.

Exactly wrong! This is the guy who brought the whole world to the brink of nuclear war, alienated our allies, caused an exponential number of untold human rights violations by illegal deportation methods, appointed a far right apocalypse worshipper to be Secretary Of State, and wants to bring back Guantanamo Bay. Yet he’s worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize? GTFO!!

Sweden and Switzerland are among the places the White House is considering for an unprecedented summit between President Donald Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, according to people familiar with the matter.

Trump confirmed on Wednesday that he dispatched CIA Director Mike Pompeo to Pyongyang last month to meet with Kim in advance of the summit, which the U.S. hopes will lead to North Korea giving up its nuclear arsenal. The unannounced meeting indicates preparations are advancing for a summit that Trump said could take place by early June or sooner.

“Meeting went very smoothly and a good relationship was formed,” Trump said in a Twitter posting Wednesday morning. “Details of Summit are being worked out now. Denuclearization will be a great thing for World, but also for North Korea!”

And while on the subject of denuclearization, Trump, while you’re praising North Korea, you should be aware what your buddy Vlad has been up to! Because while we were all distracted, Vlad revealed that he has the real weapon that could kill us all! By the way if this is called “Satan 2” it really makes you wonder what happened to Satan 1 doesn’t it?

VLADIMIR Putin’s war of words with the West escalated into war games yesterday. In a show of force, the Russian president demonstrated his fearsome new Sarmat missile. Dubbed Satan 2 by Nato, it can travel at 20 times the speed of sound and carry 12 nuclear warheads up to 6,000 miles.

The test launch, shown on an “Easter message” video from the Russian defence ministry, came as Vladimir Putin ordered further cuts to Britain’s diplomatic ranks in Moscow. Meanwhile police in Salisbury are closing in on the gang behind the nerve agent poisoning of double agent Sergei Skripal, and his daughter Yulia, which has led to tit-for-tat expulsions.

In the video, the Satan 2 missile emerges from an underground silo, pauses as if hovering above the ground, and then speeds away in a cloud of white smoke. The launch was at the snow-covered Plesetsk spaceport in the northern Archangel province of Russia close to the Arctic Circle.

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[font size="8"]Donald Trump
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If there’s one person in this entire world who loves getting his ass kissed, it’s Donald J. Trump. if there’s another person in this world who loves getting his ass kissed, it’s Kanye West. So in case you were living under a rock, or hiding under a rock, Kanye reemerged on Twitter following a very long absence, and it’s good to know that he hasn’t changed much. Or maybe he did since he’s now a full blown Trump supporter.

Kanye West, the music producer and rapper and author of some of the most influential records of the 21st century, returned to Twitter after almost a full year away, where he’s now posting so many tweets that it’s genuinely hard to keep up with his seemingly insatiable pace.

At first, it seemed like he was just back on Twitter to announce a pair of new albums (one solo, one with longtime collaborator Kid Cudi). But it didn’t take long before he set off a firestorm of controversy that expanded to encompass a series of right-wing pundits; the creator of Dilbert; his wife, Kim Kardashian West; and the president of the United States.

Many of Kanye’s tweets have been harmless or border on impenetrable (“I no longer have a manager. I can’t be managed” and then “decentralize”). But the hip-hop star immediately kicked up outcry when he professed his admiration for several right-wing speakers — and, as he had before, President Donald Trump.

It’s about ides, bro!!!! And it’s also about information! But really, I think Kanye has gone full Tracy Jordan here. And you never go full Tracy Jordan. I mean even Tracy Jordan doesn’t go full Tracy Jordan. I mean can we play a clip of his song?

Yeah that guy won multiple Grammys! He’s a creative genius, folks! Which then this happened:

OK who are you and what have you done with @realDonaldTrump? Should we be more concerned that Kanye wants to be Trump's BFF or should we be more concerned with the fact that Trump actually took time out of his day to compliment somebody?

And we saw it even more strongly when rapper Kanye West tweeted support for Trump a few days later. A bigger star than Shania Twain, Kanye has refused to back down, and even garnered public support from his normally non-political wife, Kim Kardashian West, and from Chance The Rapper (who noted that "Black people don’t have to be Democrats,”), though Chance, like Shania Twain, later chickened out and apologized.

Kanye tweeted: “You don't have to agree with trump but the mob can't make me not love him. We are both dragon energy. He is my brother. I love everyone. I don't agree with everything anyone does. That's what makes us individuals. And we have the right to independent thought.”

And when fellow musician John Legend chided him for these statements and said he was letting down his fans, Kanye responded: “I love you John and I appreciate your thoughts. You bringing up my fans is a tactic based on fear used to manipulate my free thought.” West's new song on the subject points out that “Lot of people agree with me, but they're too scared to speak up." Which is the whole point of preference falsification.

Cause baby I’m awesome… awesome… y’all know… remember that? I know Kanye had that album “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy”. Now let’s add a MAGA to that and it becomes “My Beautiful Dark Twisted MAGA Fantasy”. You could add that to any of his albums. “808s and MAGA Heartbreaks”, or “The MAGA College Dropout”, or “MAGA Late Registration”, or “The MAGA Life Of Pablo”. Thank you! I mean this whole bromance is crazy. But the good news is – Kanye has a new song out! I mean why tweet it when a song expresses how you feel?

This is no joke, folks.

After Kanye West seemingly trolled everyone with his “whoopdety poop scoop” song, “Lift Yourself,” the rapper dropped a legitimate track that delves further into his recent remarks about President Trump on Twitter. Just like the title suggests, his support of the current commander in chief sets up a “Ye vs. the People” mentality.

“I know Obama was heaven-sent, but ever since Trump won, it proved that I could be president,” Yeezy raps.

T.I. joins him on the track as they share dueling views. “Yeah, you can. At what cost, though?” he spits back.

“Ye vs. the People” dropped Friday on Los Angeles radio station Power 106, even before West released it in full to the masses. The song is available on Apple Music (listen below), Amazon Music Unlimited, and Tidal.

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[font size="8"]The Gropers’ Club
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So this week saw both a huge win, and subsequently a huge loss for the MeToo movement. The win came in the form of an enormous celebrity getting his ass handed to him. And the loss came from the proposal of a new TV show. Let’s talk about the win first. I’m sure everyone knew where they were last week when the verdict was announced in the Bill Cosby case. And guess what? He’s GUILTY!!!!! Yeah that is some sweet justice for you!

A Montgomery County jury has found Bill Cosby guilty of the only criminal charges to emerge from a career-ending scandal fueled by dozens of women who accused the entertainer once known as “America’s Dad” of sexual assault.

After about 13 hours of deliberation, the panel of seven men and five women on Thursday convicted him of drugging and assaulting Andrea Constand, a former Temple University employee who said she had seen Cosby as a father-figure and mentor until the early 2004 night that he accosted her at his Cheltenham Township home.

The 80-year-old entertainer could face up to 10 years in prison.

The verdict delivered the first celebrity conviction of the #MeToo era in a case that in many ways stood at its vanguard and shone a spotlight on the role sexual entitlement, a scandal-hungry media and Hollywood’s casting couch culture played in the ruin of a comedy icon.

Read more: http://www.philly.com/philly/news/cosby/bill-cosby-guilty-trial-verdict-sexual-assault-20180426.html

Damn straight. So Bill Cosby is guilty of charges of first degree sexual assault. This is some serious shit right here, and the shit just hit the fan. But you know what’s scary? The ‘Cos might not serve a single day of jail time.

(CNN)Based on his conviction this week on three assault charges, comedian and TV star Bill Cosby could be sentenced to 30 years in prison.

But legal experts said the 80-year-old certainly will spend less time than that behind bars, and there's a very real possibility that he may not ever be incarcerated.

Why? Well, it's mostly to do with his defense team's plan to appeal the guilty verdict -- likely on the grounds that the decision to allow five other accusers to testify in the trial unfairly prejudiced the jury.

Cosby's attorney, Tom Mesereau, will probably ask the court that his client be given home confinement during the appeal, which could take months or even years, CNN legal analyst Joey Jackson said.

"I think he'll ask the court and do whatever he needs to, to have his client remain out at liberty until these issues are decided, whether it was appropriate to allow all those accusers to testify, and how prejudicial and unfair would that be," Jackson said.


So now that we’ve got the good news out of the way, let’s tell you about the bad news. And this is not only bad news for the ladies involved in the horrible MeToo scandals, but also the guys too. Really, when you’re in a hole, you want to stop digging, not dig further!

Just weeks after the Hollywood Reporter published a lengthy article on Charlie Rose’s post-#MeToo life, rumors of a comeback for the former PBS and CBS news anchor are drifting into sight.

According to Page Six, there’s a pitch making the rounds for a new #MeToo atonement series. The proposed show would reportedly star Rose, who would interview some of the other prominent men who lost their jobs after being accused of sexual misconduct last fall, including Matt Lauer and Louis C.K. Tina Brown, the media celebrity who previously edited the New Yorker and Vanity Fair, confirmed to Page Six that she was approached about producing the show but declined to say who was approaching her. (She also says she declined to participate in the show.)

At this point, there’s no reason to believe that this proposed show is anywhere close to reality; it most likely exists only in the form of a pitch. But that a Charlie Rose redemption show is getting pitched to major media figures like Brown suggests there are people in the industry who are willing to test the waters for him. It suggests that there are people behind the scenes who think he’s spent enough time in exile.

Yes d’oh indeed! I mean you’re already incriminated. Don’t incriminate yourself any further guys because anything you say could potentially backfire on you. And seriously – terrible timing on whoever put this idea out there. This comes the day after the Cosby verdict! At least wait a few days before announcing something this unbelievably stupid!

The #MeToo comeback wave for disgraced men is getting bolder by the second. Last week, we got speculations about how Louis C.K. might stage his return to the comedy world, while in another corner, Matt Lauer was reportedly “testing the waters” for a comeback of his own. And now, according to Page Six, a #MeToo television series starring Charlie Rose is reportedly in the works—in which the former CBS anchor would interview other shunned men like Lauer and C.K. The question here seems obvious: who on earth is making this proposed series, and in what universe do they imagine viewers will tune in?

Rose was fired from CBS This Morning and his eponymous PBS show last fall following allegations of sexual harassment from multiple women; in a statement given at the time, Rose apologized, but denied the accuracy of some allegations. “I always felt that I was pursuing shared feelings,” Rose said, “even though I now realize I was mistaken.” Rose’s agent did not immediately respond to V.F.’s request for comment regarding the new project.

Why would anyone think a series in which Rose interviews other men who have been accused of sexual misconduct is a good or necessary idea? That might remain a mystery—but the report should also be received with skepticism, since as of yet, it’s unclear who is actually trying to make this series happen.

Seriously – to quote Jerry Seinfeld – “who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?”. And you know in this day and age when timing is everything, don’t release news of a show like this the day after one of the world’s most notorious sex abusers gets his ass handed to him! But really a lot of these creeps don’t deserve second chances. They know what they did.

Early Thursday afternoon, a Pennsylvania jury consisting of seven men and five women found Bill Cosby guilty of sexually assaulting Andrea Constand.

Minutes later, news cameras captured four women who were not Andrea Constand sobbing, leaning on a marble balcony, leaning on each other. Three of them—Caroline Heldman, Lili Bernard, and Victoria Valentino—were among Cosby’s 60-plus other accusers, finally seeing some form of justice befall a man society and time told them was untouchable.

The footage of Cosby’s victims crying with relief played as B-roll to almost every news story of the Cosby verdict. And as I watched the women embracing, over and over again, two thoughts occurred to me. First: I can’t imagine the bittersweet victory those women must feel. Second: Charlie Rose can go fuck himself.

Charlie Rose has been high on the “go fuck yourself” list for quite some time. Last fall, eight women accused the erstwhile newsman of exposing himself to them, making lewd calls, and groping. Back then, Rose’s public response oscillated between defensive and confused. He tried to explain his creepiness away by saying that he was under the impression that he was pursuing mutual feelings. From his 21-year-old assistant. (For just one day in my life, I’d love to live with the confidence of an unattractive male septuagenarian who is still convinced that 21-year-old women are interested in him romantically.) Like Cosby, Rose never seemed to grok the harm he caused.

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[font size="8"]Mike Pompeo
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This week’s This Fucking Guy is Mike Pompeo. If you don’t know who he is, well, you will definitely need to because he’s now FOURTH in line for the presidency. If you think the idea of Mike Pence as president is scary, well, wait until you meet Mike Pompeo. And we’re going to delve deep into this guy’s character. See, we can all mock Mike Pence’s pasty white boy wannabe Ned Flanders brand of Christianity because it’s almost cartoonish in nature. But add a dash of some hardcore end times apocalypse worship to the mix, and you’ve got Mike Pompeo!

WASHINGTON — The Senate easily confirmed Mike Pompeo on Thursday as the United States’ 70th secretary of state, elevating the current C.I.A. director and an outspoken foreign policy hawk to be the nation’s top diplomat.

In the end, the 57-to-42 tally lacked the drama of other nail-biting confirmation votes in the Trump era. This week, Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky, the nominee’s main Republican antagonist, bowed to pressure from President Trump to drop his objections. Ultimately, seven members of the Senate Democratic caucus — five of whom face re-election this year in states that Mr. Trump won in 2016 — joined a united Republican conference to support Mr. Pompeo’s confirmation.

Shortly after the vote at the Capitol, Mr. Pompeo went across the street to the Supreme Court, where he was sworn in by Justice Samuel A. Alito Jr. Mr. Pompeo then dashed to Joint Base Andrews, where a plane was waiting to fly him to Brussels for a meeting of NATO allies. Senior staff on the plane greeted him with applause.

Yes seriously – holy shit! So he’s now fourth in line from the presidency behind Orrin Hatch and Paul Ryan. This fucking guy! Let’s go over some of his qualifications, shall we?

Secretary of State-in-waiting Mike Pompeo never served in the Gulf War, even though media outlets and many of his colleagues have repeatedly said he did, and Pompeo has done nothing to dispute their claims.

Splinter News asked the CIA about Pompeo’s record, and the agency confirmed that while he was in the Army from 1986 to 1991, he never saw action in the Middle East.

A spokesperson said that Pompeo, who is currently director of the CIA, “was in the U.S. Army at the time of the Gulf War — serving until 1991. He was not deployed to that theater.” The war lasted less than seven months, between August 1990 and February 1991.

The discrepancy between Pompeo’s record and public accounts was first brought to light by Ned Price, a former CIA spokesman and special assistant to President Obama, who highlighted a series of inconsistencies on Twitter.

Splinter has a rundown of some prominent instances in which Pompeo’s war record has been cited incorrectly These include articles in The New Yorker and The Wall Street Journal, a letter signed by 51 Republicans expressing support for Pompeo’s secretary of State nomination, and a Marco Rubio speech on the Senate floor. Throughout all this, Pompeo has said nothing to correct the record. It’s possible, though seems unlikely, that he has simply missed all the references to his nonexistent war history. He has been busy, after all.

So he is fourth in line for the presidency and he lied about his time in the military. Oh who am I kidding? That makes him perfect for the Trump administration! Trump is a compulsive liar and he surrounds himself with other compulsive liars. But was he investigated by Mueller?

During his Secretary of State confirmation hearing Thursday morning, CIA Director Pompeo told senators that he has been interviewed by Special Counsel Bob Mueller, although he would not reveal the contents of those conversations. NBC News first reported on the interview back in January.

The backdrop: Pompeo reportedly took part in a White House a meeting last March during which President Trump asked whether he could intervene in the FBI's Russia investigation, per The Washington Post. During his hearing, Pompeo denied the suggestion that Trump asked him to do anything "improper" regarding the investigation.

Read more: https://www.axios.com/pompeo-interview-mueller-investigation-russia-fbi-c14f71fb-0da4-46ad-9985-e3cb4d62ce73.html

Well that raises another question – who in the Trump administration hasn’t been investigated by Muller yet? So why is Mike Pompeo such a big deal? Well despite that he has his lips firmly placed on Trump’s ass – and we all know how much his ass loves getting kissed – is that the Iran deal has been a big part of the news lately, and Mike might just be the guy to help Trump get his way.

WASHINGTON — Mike Pompeo, US President Donald Trump’s pick to become secretary of state, is an unabashed Iran hawk who vehemently opposed the 2015 nuclear deal, and has sought a more aggressive approach toward Tehran since joining the administration as CIA Director in January 2017.

Tillerson will now be succeeded by a figure who has stood out as an Iran hardliner. After former president Barack Obama forged the landmark agreement with world powers and Iran in July 2015, Pompeo, then a Congressman from Kansas, immediately castigated the pact as both ineffectual and weak.

He said the accord would not “stop Iran from getting a nuclear bomb” and that it “places Israel at more risk.” He scorned the notion, perpetuated by the Obama administration, that the deal would open Tehran up to the international economy and thus allow it to potentially join the community of nations. He said the “theory that post-sanctions Iran will moderate is a joke – they want to annihilate Israel.”

Well yeah it’s pretty obvious that no one wants to get annihilated. But Trump and his goons are helping to accelerate that process because they’re dominionists, and that’s what they believe in, because, that’s what Jesus would want! But this might be the icing on why this guy is so fucking dangerous. I mean what could possibly go wrong?

Washington — A one-letter mistake on an official White House statement led to consternation and questions about official U.S. policy toward Iran on Monday, and a quiet correction did little to quell the matter.

In the written statement sent to reporters around 7:30 p.m. ET, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders declared that newly unveiled Israeli intelligence proved "Iran has a robust, clandestine nuclear weapons program."

The declaration flew in the face of American intelligence determinations, which found Tehran froze its program following the Obama-era agreement to lift sanctions in exchange for curtailing its nuclear ambitions. By 9:30 p.m. ET, the statement appeared differently online.

"Iran had a robust, clandestine nuclear weapons program," the online version read, reiterating a long-established U.S. position.

Well there’s that. I mean even Putin is giving you the facepalm. That’s Mike Pompeo – this week’s:

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[font size="8"]Top 10 Investigates: Cults Of Personality
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It’s time to investigate beyond the headlines. This is Top 10 Investigates:

Cults. They are generally a faux pas not talked about in normal society except when they surface in the news. The last time a cult made the news? 2001 – Heaven’s Gate, and before that 1992 – the Branch Davidians led by David Koresh. None of these however hold a candle to the NXIVM cult that was recently thrust into the spotlight by Smallville actress Allison Mack.
In late March, a man named Keith Raniere was arrested and charged with sex trafficking for his role NXIVM, a sex cult he founded in 1998. Since then, there’s been a flurry of reports about other alleged members, with the most recent being Allison Mack, who was arrested last week for allegedly recruiting women to be sex slaves.

Below, here’s everything you need to know about the most recent developments.

First things first: How do you say “NXIVM”?
It’s pronounced “Nexium.”

And what exactly is it?
It’s an Albany-based cult with connections all over the world, that reportedly masquerades as a “self-help” organization, meant to empower women. It was thrust into the spotlight in October 2017, when a New York Times investigation exposed that the women who were involved were referred to as “slaves,” and subject to ritual humiliations and brandings. They were also allegedly told to starve themselves to achieve Raniere’s standard of beauty and to have sex encounters with him.

Yes that is certainly true. And the allegations are definitely far more serious and damning than you would think possible. The NXIVM cult makes the previous cults we mentioned look almost cartoonish by comparison. It’s far worse than you would think. So how does a cult like this get sold?

A former Smallville actress has been arrested and charged with sex trafficking for her role in a secret society that news reports are calling a “sex cult.”

Allison Mack, who is perhaps best-known for her role as Chloe Sullivan on the WB (later CW) show Smallville, has been charged in a New York federal court with sex trafficking, sex trafficking conspiracy, and forced labor conspiracy. She’s accused of having recruited women — some of whom were underage — to the multilevel-marketing organization Nxivm (pronounced NEX-ium). She faces life in prison.

Ostensibly a self-help group advertising “executive success programs,” Nxivm has been condemned by former members as a cult, in which female members are ritualistically branded and pressured to engage in sexual “master-slave” relationships with higher-ups in the program, and in particular with the group’s founder and leader, Keith Raniere. Raniere, who is known to his followers as “Vanguard,” was arrested last month on charges of sex trafficking.

Raniere maintains his innocence, and the Nxivm website has posted a statement denying all allegations, saying, “We are currently working with the authorities to demonstrate his innocence and true character. We strongly believe the justice system will prevail in bringing the truth to light. We are saddened by the reports perpetuated by the media and their apparent disregard for ‘innocent until proven guilty,’ yet we will continue to honor the same principles on which our company was founded.”

So the cult got sold as a “female empowerment program” and a “self help” program. And just like most cults, they broke down the people who signed up for it and got tricked by their charismatic leader. Which is pretty common among all cults.

Pause your Wild Wild Country bingeing and look at the news, where so-called cult Nxivm has been making headlines for a week. Smallville actress Allison Mack was released on a $5 million bond on Tuesday after being indicted on sex-trafficking charges on Friday.

Since her arrest, stories have broken that Mack may have tried to recruit women including Emma Watson, Kelly Clarkson, and several feminist writers into a group that she referred to on Twitter as a “human development and women’s movement.” The group, however, was allegedly Nxivm, the upstate New York alleged sex cult run by a man named Keith Raniere, also known as “The Vanguard.”

Mack is denying the charges, and per Today, has issued a statement via a representative saying she has no comment at this time. Raniere was arrested in Mexico last month and has been charged with multiple accounts of sex trafficking and forced labor.

This cult however, will most likely need defensive attorneys because they most likely can’t afford the other kind. These are very serious crimes and Ms. Mack and Mr. Raniere are probably going to be going away for a very long time. We could go into this subject all day – but NXIVM had branches all over the country.

A branch of notorious “sex cult” Nxivm — which has been known to brand female “slaves” with its founder’s initials — is covertly recruiting within the arty Brooklyn crowd.

While the Albany-based sect had seemed to be imploding after its founder, Keith Raniere, was arrested in Mexico last month on sex-trafficking charges, it now appears to be searching for new blood. Last month, a number of notable Williamsburg artists and writers, who asked not to be named, were invited by friends to what was billed as a party promising “authentic conversation” among creatives and “light vegetarian fare.”

A flyer for the event at a private home in Williamsburg billed it as “an evening of meeting cool, like-minded artists and chatting about life, authenticity, and the awesome human potential,” also vaguely referring to an unexplained “human expression program.”

So they would recruit nearly the same way with the promise of a free “get acquainted” weekend. They even had their own school:

In 2015, Spanish-language pop icon Alejandro Sanz spoke to Mexican television stations and newspapers to promote his wife's new venture: a midtown Miami school called the Rainbow Cultural Garden that purported to train toddlers to speak as many as seven languages at once.

In response, sisters Loreta and Jimena Garza posted fawning praise of Sanz's interview on their Facebook pages. "Here we go RCG!!!!!!" Loreta Garza wrote July 7, 2015. "Thank You Keith Raniere for such an amazing opportunity."

Since then, Raniere has been outed as the leader of the alleged NXIVM sex cult, accused of using flaming-hot irons to brand women, and arrested by the FBI in Mexico on sex-trafficking charges. According to the Mexico City newspaper La Silla Rota, federal agents found Raniere hiding on a compound trying to live "off the grid" — alongside Loreta, Jimena, and another sister, Carola Garza.

So that is an insight into how one of the world’s most notoriouis sex cults was able to operate. This has been Top 10 Investigates. Good day.

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[font size="8"]Holy Shit
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Gather around my fair brothers and sisters, it’s time to take a seat in the pew and pass the collection plate. For the Holy Church Of The Top 10 has convened and it is our weekly duty to remind you that the holiest among us are also the most full of:

Food and religion. These are two things that often go hand in hand. But there has been one restaurant in particular in all of the these great United States of ours has been at the center of a very grave controversy. Now in our book, the good LAWRD does offer those who seek vengeance their just desserts, for revenge is a dish that is best served cold!

Memories Pizza, the Walkerton, Indiana restaurant that gained national attention for suggesting they would refuse to cater a gay wedding if invited to, has permanently closed. According to the South Bend Tribune, the restaurant shuttered last month.

The pizzeria went viral in 2015 after its owners became among the first to publicly voice support for Indiana’s controversial Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which then-governor Mike Pence signed into law to protect the “many people of faith [who] feel their religious liberty is under attack by government action.” (Due to a vocal backlash from civil rights groups, the act was amended a week later to explicitly offer anti-discrimination protections to the LGBTQ community.)

But in the days leading up to the original act’s signing, the pizzeria entered the spotlight then when Memories co-owner Crystal O’Connor told a local news station that “we would have to say no” to a gay couple if they requested pizzas for a wedding, a response fueled by the fact that they are “a Christian establishment.” O’Connor clarified at the time that the pizzeria would not deny service to any individual who wanted to place an order, but that they would not support or offer their services to a same-sex marriage celebration.

Seriously I would think our LGBT brothers and sisters would have to have better taste in food than to get pizza from a low rent pizza joint in the first place. Now just like Kentucky’s Sister Kim, Memories Pizza became an overnight celebrity with right wing Christian bigots.

Memories Pizza has put a sign out declaring the shop has permanently shut down last month, reports The South Bend Tribune. The Walkerton pizzeria was once at the center of a national controversy over LGBT discrimination.

In April 2015, owners Kevin and Crystal O’Connor told local media that they wouldn’t cater a gay wedding because of their religious beliefs. It was one of the first businesses to go on the record that it would refuse services related to same-sex weddings.

At that time, then-Governor Mike Pence had signed into law the Religious Freedom Restoration Act in the state, which many viewed as a "get out of jail free card" for business people who discriminated against LGBT patrons in the name of Christianity.

The video report of Memories Pizza went viral. Protests and death threats against the O'Connors led the store to close for eight days. Even a Concord High School coach was fired for commenting on Twitter, "Who's going to Walkerton with me to burn down Memories Pizza." But after Glenn Beck's The Blaze (which springboarded Tomi Lauren's career) started a GoFundMe account to support the restauranteurs, they received more than $800,000 in donations.

Kevin O’Connor has returned to the spotlight several times since the controversy. A year later he told The Tribune, "If your opinion isn’t what somebody else’s is, then I’m a dirtbag. Just because I don’t agree with you doesn’t mean I have to hate you.” He appeared on Fox News' You The Jury, pitted against a gay couple from Indianapolis.


Now even the good LAWRD sayeth that not only does he think it is ridiculous, but it is also good to forgive and forget, am I not right about that? Can I get an amen??? But our followers have done this and you shall not forgive if thine death threat is issued!

Memories Pizza, an Indiana pizzeria owned by a Christian family who in 2015 said they wouldn't carter a same-sex wedding if asked, has closed.

The South Bend Tribune reported on Monday that the pizzeria, which found itself in the midst of a national controversy due to its stance, has closed, with a sign at the front window explaining that it was shuttered last month.

The website for the pizzeria has also shut down and placed for sale on public domain.

Local business owners declined to speak publicly about the closing, but suggested that the pizzeria's owners, father Kevin and daughter Crystal O'Connor, were ready to retire.

The O'Connors said that they had received death threats in 2015 after they explained that they wouldn't cater same-sex weddings — because of their Christian belief that marriage is a holy union between a man and a woman — after a reporter asked them that question.

Yes!!! It is time to stop this foolishness!!!! For leaving a death threat is a sin!!!! It is one of the most egregious of sins ,and if you commit this sin, you will go to the place where the devil will immediately judge your fate, and we all don’t want that!!

A sign found at the front window of Memories Pizza stated that it permanently locked its doors in March. Owner Kevin O'Connor and his daughter Crystal have decided to close down and retire, according to reports.

The O'Connors were first featured in the national news in 2015 after saying that they would refuse catering to a gay couple's wedding. Their pronouncements came after Vice President Mike Pence, who was the state's governor at that time, signed Indiana's Religious Freedom Restoration Act (RFRA) that legally allowed establishments to refuse service if it went against their beliefs. The O'Connors told reporters that they would actually welcome anyone into their restaurant but that they would not cater to a gay wedding if asked.

"It is not right for a man to marry a man and for a woman to marry a woman," Kevin said in the interview. "People could end up marrying trees," he added.

Reporter Alyssa Marino, who talked to Indiana business owners regarding the RFRA, explained on Twitter: "I just walked into their shop and asked how they feel. They've never been asked to cater a same-sex wedding."

After the O'Connors' statements made headlines, Memories Pizza's Yelp page received a number of negative reviews. The restaurant owners also reportedly received death threats.

Yes!!!! Don’t call this pizza dude! For doing so is a sin, and I hope that is the take away that you get from today’s sermon. For now, mass has ended, may you go in peace! That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Ford Motor Company
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So this weekend, the Ford Motor Company made one of the most astoundingly stupid decisions a company can make. And with this decision they may have just very well committed corporate suicide and that’s not going to be good for anybody. This is a “take the money and run” kind of decision that can come back to bite you in the ass. So here’s what happened.

In the news last week: "Say goodbye to the Ford sedan," (as reported, in this case, at the Washington Post).

Ford announced plans late Wednesday to eliminate some of the company’s most well-known cars in North America, including the Fiesta subcompact, Fusion midsize sedan, Taurus large sedan and the C-Max van, according to Ford’s quarterly earnings statement. The decision followed years of declining car sales.

Ford said eliminating most of the company’s cars except for two models will allow the company to focus on their “winning portfolio” in the United States, Canada and Mexico. The Detroit automaker plans to keep the Ford Mustang sports car and a new Focus crossover that the company plans to release next year.

This comes as the sales of new vehicles in the United States has shifted, once again, from cars to light trucks (that is, including minivans, crossovers, and SUVs as well as actual trucks); the trend started round about the time of the invention of the minivan in 1983 (remember when Lee Iacocca saved Chrysler?), slowed with the rise in gas prices, and picked up again in the past five years.

Really? This is winning? Are you guys drinking from the same Kool-Aid that Charlie Sheen and Kanye West are drinking from? Do you not realize the ripple effect this is going to have on the economy? Oh wait you don’t care because you’re rich. It’s not enough you have to make $25 billion, you have to make 3 or 4 times that. Because rich executives want all the money. I said all!

While Ford still sells a fair number of cars in the U.S., models like the Fiesta, Focus, and Fusion all lose money today. Many are delivered to rental car companies at bargain-basement prices. In the consumer market, Ford has to offer massive discounts to move cars off of its dealers' lots.

Crossovers are far more profitable, largely because consumers tend to see them as more desirable. Additionally, the difference in price between sedans and crossovers has narrowed in recent years. Indeed, in January, Ford began U.S. sales of the EcoSport: its first entry-level crossover for the domestic market. The starting price is just $19,995, though a typically equipped version would cost significantly more.

If consumer preferences are set to continue shifting toward crossovers, it makes sense for Ford to double down on that slice of the market.

Crosstown rival General Motors (NYSE: GM) is moving in a similar direction. It is working to broaden its crossover lineup with an ever-expanding array of models. And while GM doesn't plan to exit the U.S. car market entirely, it is likely to discontinue at least two models in the next few years: the Chevy Sonic and the Chevy Impala.

Yeah it’s about like that, only the Ford execs are the ones giving us the finger. So just how bad of a decision is this? Like I said before it could be corporate suicide for Ford. Hey Trump is this really how we MAGA?

Ford's new CEO, Jim Hackett, just announced a bold strategic move for America's most enduring automaker: abandoning the car business. Hackett completely reversed former CEO Alan Mulally's full-line strategy to focus on trucks and SUVs. A 3 percent jump in Ford's stock price validated Hackett's decision, but that adrenaline shot could be short-lived. Jettisoning automobiles may prove fatal for Ford, leaving the market to GM and foreign producers.

Bowing to short-term shareholder pressures that felled predecessor Mark Fields, Hackett is undoing 115 years of Ford's automobile legacy. Unlike General Motors CEO Mary Barra, labelled a "car gal" for her 38 years in the business, Hackett has no experience in automobiles. He comes from thirty years of making furniture and most recently as interim athletic director at the University of Michigan.

Yeah except for one problem – it probably won’t. And it will most likely backfire on them. Because think of all of what it takes to produce one car and then sell it, and all those people will most likely be out of a job. But hey, the executives will get nice big fat fucking paydays so it’s all good! Or not. Remember a couple of weeks ago when I played the funeral version of the Toys R Us song? Someone may need to do that for “have you driven a Ford lately?”.

Nearly 110 years after first unveiling the Ford Model T, one of America's most iconic vehicle manufacturers has announced plans to move away from U.S. small-car production and instead focus on the SUVs and trucks that have increasingly eaten into smaller vehicles' market share.

Ford executives last week announced a plan to reposition the company's business model, saying they expect "almost 90 percent of the Ford portfolio in North America will be trucks, utilities and commercial vehicles" by 2020. It represents a watershed moment for a company that more than a century ago produced one of the first commercially viable car models the world had ever seen.

The move is consistent with a domestic vehicle landscape that in recent years has tilted heavily in favor of trucks, SUVs and larger vehicles that many Americans shied away from a decade ago, when the economy was dragging and oil prices were considerably higher.

Total car sales in the U.S. – which do not include trucks and SUVs – clocked in at nearly 556,000 in March, down 9.2 percent over the year, according to industry statistics compiled by the Autodata Corporation. To date, sales are down 10.8 percent from their performance during the first three months of 2017.

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[font size="8"]People Are Dumb
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Let’s hit it!

Of course you know that by now people are people and people are dumb. So who is dumb this week? Why there are a lot of people out there, sir! First off, you know that old adage about yelling “fire” in a crowded theater. And you especially don’t do that in a sold out movie theater showing Avengers: Infinity War, one of the biggest blockbusters of all time. Well, there was a preacher out of Redlands, California, who did just that.

REDLANDS (CBSLA) — An outing to catch one of the season’s most anticipated films turned into a panic-filled afternoon for some moviegoers Friday.

Armed officers rushed to the Harkins Mountain Grove 16 theaters in Redlands, where people had just finished watching the latest installment of the “Avengers” franchise, fearing there might a gunman inside. Witnesses said when the movie was over, a man stood up and started yelling in what sounded like a preacher’s sermon.

“I think when he said, ‘If you were to die tonight, would your passage to heaven be guaranteed?’ — something along those lines — I think that’s when people started panicking,” Susie Arias told CBS2 News.

Arias said she and her partner were able to walk out, but they said people behind them started running and pushing in an effort to exit quickly.


It was kind of like that. Well to give the guy credit, at least he got his message out! Next up this is a perfect example of life imitating art. Remember that Breaking Bad episode where a Los Pollos Hermanos truck got hijacked ? Well this isn’t anything that crazy, but we’re not surprised.

On Thursday, Centralia police said 126 pounds of methamphetamine were found in a truck hauling Starbucks products between California and Spokane.

The truck was stopped and police say suspicious activity led to the request of help from a narcotics K-9.

The truck’s interior was searched, and police said they found 40 bundles of meth in a television box on the top bunk of the sleeper berth.

Under a mattress, police said they found another 50 bundles of meth, 2.4 pounds of suspected heroin, several thousand Oxycodone pills and a few grams of cocaine.

Next up – Legos! And if you’re being investigated by police for selling stolen goods, maybe you don’t sell stolen goods to undercover police. Get how that works? Well, this guy in Portland certainly didn’t.

Police said that investigators posed as thieves offering Azar stolen goods at far below the retail price. Authorities said Azar requested to purchase $13,000 of stolen goods from the undercover investigators.

He was arrested on April 26 after authorities say he purchased supposedly 'stolen' items from undercover officers.

When they searched his southeast Portland home, police said they found “a large quantity of stolen Legos [sic]”. The Lego and other toys that had been taken from Fred Meyer stores alone was worth $50,000, according to police.

That estimate did not include recovered merchandise that originated from other retail outlets, police said.

Authorities believe Azar would solicit stolen items through websites like Craigslist and OfferUp, purchasing them from thieves for low prices, before selling them on Craigslist, eBay and OfferUp for a profit. Those stealing the items to sell to Azar were often drug addicts, police added.

Ha ha, Lego Batman was a great movie. Next up in People Are Dumb – Youtube! Yes, Youtube has brought out a ton of crazy people. And what happens when a guy comes in and pretends to be the CEO of a legendary burger chain? Well this is beyond stupid.

(Newser) – In-N-Out Burger isn't laughing about a YouTube prankster who claimed to be the company's CEO making a surprise visit. The burger chain has gone to court to seek a restraining order against prankster Cody Roeder, whose videos appeared on his popular "Trollmunchies" YouTube channel, the OC Register reports. In two now-deleted videos filmed earlier this month, Roeder visits Southern California In-N-Out burger locations dressed in business attire, claiming to be the acting CEO and demanding free food for a "taste test." He claims to be the ex-husband of Lynsi Snyder-Ellingson, the granddaughter of chain founder Harry Snyder.

According to court papers, at one location, Roeder berated employees for "contamination" of the food and grabbed a burger from a customer believed to have been his assistant. Roeder "proceeded to throw the burger on the ground in the middle of the restaurant and step on it, telling the customer it was 'garbage,'" the legal filing states. In a statement, the chain said it has seen "an increase of visitors to our stores, who are not customers but instead are intentionally disruptive and who then try to promote themselves through social media." The legal action seeks a restraining order banning Roeder and his accomplices from the chain's restaurants, as well as damages of more than $25,000.


Man why did you have to waste the cheeseburger? Dude should be arrested. I mean what did the cheeseburger ever do to you? Next up – you know it’s been a while since we heard from our good friend Florida Man but not a week goes by where he’s not up to his usual tricks! In a scene straight out of the movie Super Troopers, there’s this!

A Florida man was arrested after he tried to dump narcotics out of his car window in Martin County, authorities said.

Tyko Dean, 41, of Oakland Park was pulled over on I-95, according to the Martin County Sheriff’s Office. Deputies said Dean pulled his car over initially, but fled when he was asked to leave the vehicle.

With the help of air and K-9 units, Dean’s car was forced to stop. Deputies said Dean tried to toss illegal narcotics out of his car window.

However, detectives said they recovered 359 grams of cocaine and 31 grams of heroin from Dean’s car.

Finally for People Are Dumb this week – campaign ads! Yes, even our elected officials or people running to be elected officials aren’t immune from stupidity. You know in this day and age when people are actually fighting against the gun lobby and the NRA, maybe you don’t lead with an ad that praises a “healthy admiration for the 2nd amendment”. Let’s show the ad first.

Yeah BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Something tells me I wouldn’t want to date this guys’ daughters – he seems like the “Dads Against Daughters Dating” type. Remember those assholes?

Political candidates have long appeared with guns in campaign ads — holding guns, firing guns, and even assembling guns blindfolded. Earlier this month, Georgia gubernatorial candidate Hunter Hill aired an ad showing him loading an assault rifle. The video title? “Liberals won’t like this.”

Now, a new ad in the race for Georgia governor — in which a candidate points a gun at a teenager — did not sit well with some Georgians. After all, it aired just one state away from the Florida high school where 17 people were killed in a mass shooting

In the campaign ad, Brian Kemp, Georgia’s secretary of state, sits in a room surrounded by firearms — handguns on a table to his right, rifles on the table in front of him, and what appear to be two AR-15-style guns leaning on the wall behind him. Across his lap he holds a double-barrel shotgun, cleaning it off as he speaks into the camera. Next to him sits a young man in khakis and a tucked-in flannel shirt.

“I’m Brian Kemp, this is Jake, a young man interested in one of my daughters,” he says, motioning to the teenager next to him. “Yes, sir,” Jake responds, looking nervous as he fidgets with his fingers.

Read more: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2018/05/02/georgia-governor-candidate-aims-gun-at-teenager-in-campaign-ad-get-over-it-he-tells-critics/?utm_term=.8ccf38490ec9

That’s it this week for:

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[font size="8"]Stupidest State Contest: Round 2 Week 3
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16 states will enter, but only one will be crowned the new Top 10 Conservative Idiots Stupidest State!

Welcome back! I hope you all filled out your brackets! We are deep into Round 2. Not quite that deep, sir. Man, the audience has been bringing it this week! Last week – it was an absolutely shocking end to the Family Values championship as the long time reigning kings of the conference – Alabama – got sent home this year after a buzzer beater from Missouri sent the champs home packing. This week we’re live at the home of the Portland Trailblazers – Moda Center – for the Batshit Conference championships – Kentucky. Virginia. Both young teams looking to tangle for the conference title. But Virginia had one of the best records of the entire league during the regular season, but Kentucky continues to stack its’ team with lots and lots of crazy talent. Who will out crazy them all? Let’s find out!

[font size="6"]Batshit Conference Championship: Kentucky Vs Virginia [/font]

[font size="4"]Kentucky[/font]

My old Kentucky home!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, we are back in the Bluegrass State everybody! Yes, the state that was literally the first state to call for @realDonaldTrump as our new president probably knew what they were doing. I mean they also gave us Mitch McConnell, Rand Paul, Ron Paul – who may crawl out from his troll cave in Russia soon, Kim Davis, and Matt Bevin, has shown us no signs of slowing down when it comes to producing the freshest batshit in the country. Yes, this state can outrival Florida in the sheer number of crazy things that happen – and that’s saying a lot! So what has the Bluegrass state been up to lately? Well they’re so crazy that even their own is starting to channel his inner Bart Simpson.

Matt Bevin has been governor of Kentucky for three legislative sessions and the best he can come up with is: It’s not my fault.

From the beginning of his administration, Bevin has used politicians, judges, teachers, the media and any other constituency or individual he can find as political pinatas — someone else is always to blame.

Don’t like the budget? It’s the legislature’s fault.

Frustrated by the process? Blame former House Speaker Jeff Hoover’s sordid, sex scandal, which, he claims, ruined our plans for a special session.

That pension crisis? Inherited that problem from years of irresponsible, incompetent politicians.

Read more: https://www.leoweekly.com/2018/04/matt-never-blame-bevin/

Yes while Bart Simpson is the original prankster, Matt can’t out crazy Bart Simpson. I mean come on, Bart went to rehab for pranking people! And that’s saying something. And if you think that’s crazy, wait until you see what he said about the teacher protests!

Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin (R) suggested Friday that children were physically harmed because they were at home during the statewide teacher strikes, when teachers gathered at the capitol to protest school funding.

“I guarantee you somewhere in Kentucky today a child was sexually assaulted that was left at home because there was nobody there to watch them," said Bevin, who sought to shut down bills aimed at expanding the state education budget. "I guarantee you somewhere today, a child was physically harmed or ingested poison because they were home alone because a single parent didn't have enough money to take care of them."

Bevin reportedly complained of the teachers sprawled across the capitol grounds, telling reporters he saw them smoking and "leaving trash around."

Because of the protests, "hundreds of thousands of children" were likely left at home without childcare, he said.


Quick! To the Pedomobile!

That joke never gets old. You know what is it with Christian conservatives where their mind just immediately goes to the most fucked up sexual perversions they can think of? What are they trying to tell us? I could just go all day on how fucking crazy Matt Bevin is. We may have to do a deep dive on him for “People Who Somehow Got Elected” at some point because he’s fucking crazy.

FRANKFORT, Ky. -- In a rare public rebuke, Kentucky's top House leader on Wednesday chastised fellow Republican Gov. Matt Bevin for criticizing teachers who have mobilized to oppose a plan to revamp one of the nation's worst-funded public pension plans.

Acting House Speaker David Osborne told reporters that the governor's remarks were "inappropriate" and "show a lack of understanding of the people who are impacting the lives of young people in our state."

In an interview on WVLC radio, Bevin said Tuesday that teachers opposing the pension changes were "ignorant" and were "throwing a temper tantrum." He said if protesting teachers get what they wish, there won't be a pension system for the next generation. He called that "remarkably selfish and shortsighted." He also said teachers protesting the pension bill would be like people during World War II protesting rationing of food and steel to help the troops.

"It's about just straight up wanting more than your fair share," Bevin said.

Osborne said Wednesday that the governor deserves credit for seeking greatly increased state funding to support the pension plans. But he said Bevin's comments about teachers on Tuesday and in recent months have made it much more difficult for lawmakers to pass a pension bill.

Read more here: http://www.thenewstribune.com/news/business/article205182419.html

Yeah going mad without power is boring, no one listens to you! Like I said I could go on all day about how crazy Matt Bevin is, and we could just focus on him here for the Batshit conference championship, but I don’t have that kind of time! Matt is so crazy that his own house is rebelling against him! But I will leave you with this.

As always, Bevin has the back of the NRA, saying it’s not guns. Saying that it's about the violence in movies, on television, in video games and music.

He did it on Leland Conway’s show on WHAS radio and he did it in a video he posted Thursday night on his Facebook page.

The problem is, there is absolutely nothing to back the claim that video games and music and movies and television have anything at all to do with increased gun violence.

The American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics warn against allowing children to play video games but stop short of saying the games cause violent behavior.

[font size="4"]Virginia [/font]

So Virginia is a relative newcomer to the tournament. And while we already covered all of the things that Virginia is the home of – let’s get some facts straight. The Commonwealth state is right next to our nation’s capital – Washington, DC. It also is home to the world’s largest cemetery – Arlington National Cemetery. But Virginia is also the home to some of the most hardcore racism in the entire country. After all, it’s the state that helped give birth to the Confederacy. But it’s good to know that our nation’s current crop of white supremacists can rival just about anything produced in the 1850s!

Christopher Charles Cantwell, a self-described white nationalist and alt-right activist from New Hampshire, was arrested on March 31 in Leesburg for public swearing and intoxication, according to the Leesburg Police Department.

Leesburg Police Officers observed Cantwell trying to cross the street in the 500 block of Market Street. When they made contact with him, “he did show signs of drunkenness. He smelled of alcohol, couldn’t keep his balance,” Sam Shenouda of Leesburg Police told the Times-Mirror.

“At that point, we’re responsible for the person’s safety so he was taken into custody and held until sober,” said Shenouba.

Cantwell was later released on his own recognizance. Shenouda told the Times-Mirror there was no further investigation as to what he was doing in Leesburg. He also said that Cantwell was not investigated in relation to KKK literature that has been distributed throughout Loudoun County over the past year.

Read more: https://www.loudountimes.com/news/white-nationalist-chris-cantwell-known-for-role-in-charlottesville-riots/article_44905e3a-473e-11e8-8cb8-437f3a7f4973.html

So Virginia is the home of Charlottesville. And the University Of Virginia And what’s in Charlottesville? Well it was home to the absolute shit show that was the Charlottesville riots last year that were started by Alt Right assholes. Well the good news is that UVA has its’ head on a bit more straight than the rest of Virginia does!

Unite the Right rally organizer Jason Kessler is no longer allowed to set foot on University of Virginia property.

He will still be able to go to the UVA Medical Center, as well as attend paid events on university property.

The university announced Friday, April 27, that it is in the process of serving Kessler, a UVA alum, a no trespass warning. The university made its decision after hearing multiple reports that he threatened students in person, targeted them through cyber-bullying and cyber-harassment, and targeted them based on protected characteristics.

The university also believes Kessler intentionally and purposefully misled the UVA Police Department regarding the torch-lit rally on August 11, 2017, held by members of the 'alt-right' and white nationalists. Kessler had helped to organize that event, as well.

So Virginia’s got a massive white supremacist problem. And they’re not giving up their beliefs any time soon. Yeah we just hope that this racist shit is only a fad, right? At least I want to hope that it is! I mean come on Virginia is home to a guy who calls himself “The Crying Nazi”! Worst WWII movie ever, BTW.

Bond conditions have changed for Christopher Charles Cantwell, the man charged in connection to a torch-lit white nationalist rally at the University of Virginia last summer.

Cantwell has been out on a $25,000 bond after being charged in Albemarle County with illegal use of tear gas. He is accused of spraying tear gas during a white nationalist rally at UVA on August 11, 2017, one day before the Unite the Right rally.

An Albemarle Circuit Court judge ruled Thursday that the 37-year-old New Hampshire man will be held behind bars until he gets an alcohol bracelet.

The ruling comes after Cantwell was charged for public swearing and intoxication in Loudon County on March 31. At the time he was released on his own recognizance.

The judge said Thursday that she is not concerned the defendant will not show up to court, but believes Cantwell could pose a public danger when drinking.

Virginia is also the home of uber right wing fundamentalist Christian college Liberty University. And their president is hardcore Trump supporter Jerry Falwell Jr. We’ve profiled him many times on the Top 10 but he’s gone off the rails lately in his admiration of Trump. They love Trump. I can’t quite put my finger on it.

When evangelical leader and author Shane Claiborne wrote Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. to request that they meet and pray together this weekend, Liberty responded with a written threat that Claiborne will be arrested if he steps foot on any property owned by Liberty or by Thomas Road Baptist Church. Claiborne has been publicly challenging Falwell to debate whether Jesus would support President Trump.

Claiborne is the leader of The Simple Way in Philadelphia and co-director of Red Letter Christians, a group that “mobilizes individuals into a movement of believers who live out Jesus’ counter-cultural teachings,” including opposition to materialism and capital punishment. “It’s time for a Christianity that looks like Jesus again,” the group says. Claiborne’s co-director, evangelist Tony Campolo, told Baptist News this week, “As evangelicalism moves more and more to the right, it’s safe to say evangelicalism looks more and more like the Tea Party,” something he called “dangerous.”

Claiborne will be in Lynchburg this weekend for the “Red Letter Revival” that his group is holding and he asked Falwell for permission to hold a prayer vigil on campus with Liberty students and alumni. His email invited Falwell to attend the revival and said the campus prayer vigil was planned for Saturday afternoon.

Claiborne shared his letter and the response from Liberty University’s police department on his Facebook page Thursday night. The letter warns that under Virginia law, trespassing is a misdemeanor “punishable by confinement in jail for not more than twelve months or a fine of not more than $2,500, or both.”

[font size="4"]And the winner is… [/font]

Oh god this wasn’t even a game. Kentucky came out of the gate strong and absolutely annihilated Virginia. Sorry Virginia, you can’t out crazy Kentucky, no matter how many tiki torches you sell. Final score: 86 – 61. Kentucky routes Virginia by a final score of 25. They have stunned Virginia and they will move on to the Final Four. Virginia will go home. Cut the net guys, you earned it!

Oh and can we get some “My Old Kentucky Home”?

[font size="6"]Next Week [/font]

It’s the last single round elimination before we head into the Final Four. Next week we’re live from the beautiful new home of the Sacramento Kings, Golden 1 Center in Sacramento, for the Fiscal Irresponsibility Conference championship. Wisconsin vs West Virginia. The winner will face Kentucky, the loser will go home!

[font size="8"]And Now This:[/font]
[font size="8”]Rancid[/font]

Ladies and gentlemen my next guests are a legendary punk band from Northern California. Their latest album is called “Trouble Maker” and you can see them at the Montebello Rock Fest in Montebello, Quebec on June 15th. Playing their song “Ghost Of A Chance”, give it up for Rancid!

See you next week!


Host: Initech
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Reply Top 10 Conservative Idiots #4-16: My Beautiful Dark Twisted MAGA Fantasy Edition (Original post)
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Wed May 2, 2018, 05:03 PM

1. Thanks Initech

K & R

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