Exclusive Parody Interview with President Donald J. Trump
Late Saturday Night, this reporter was summoned to the White House for an exclusive audience with the King of the United States, Donald J. Trump (oops...President). In this rare event, I was allowed to ask any questions I wanted, and the President answered them honestly and in a forthright fashion. Here is a transcript, unedited, of what transpired:
Reporter: Thank you, Mr. President, for taking my questions.
Trump: That's OK. My presidency is the most truthful presidency in the history of the world. I always answer questions truthfully, but today, I will answer your questions with even more truth than I usually do, and I'll start by saying that there is no collusion. No collusion!
Reporter: Mr. President, the nation has been shocked by another school shooting this week where 10 people died and 10 others were injured by the shooter. What is your response to this school violence, and what do you plan to do that will prevent future such incidents?
Trump: I'm glad you asked me that question. I consulted with my Secretary of Education, a wonderful lady, and she told me that there were many millions of students in our country's schools. So, look at it this way: Will 10 really be missed? I mean there are still millions of children in the schools. A few shot here and there has very little impact. In response to this minor incident, I plan to ban news stories about school shootings from publication. What the people don't know can't hurt them, they say. We have the best schools and millions of the best students, believe me. I want most of them to be safe.
Reporter: Uh...uh...moving along to the next question. People are concerned about the upcoming meeting with South Korea's Kim Jong Un. There seems to be a difficulty now. How will you respond to Kim's latest statements?
Trump: Don't you worry your pretty little head about that, dearie. I'll just put Little Rocket Man in my back pocket and let him smother in there. What does he have, anyhow? One lousy nuke...maybe two. If he doesn't like my deal, let him shoot them off. He can only take out one or two cities. We have thousands of cities in this great country, so it won't really matter. Once he's used his puny A-bombs, we'll just march in there and take over. No biggie, dear.
Reporter: Gack...barf...Excuse me, Mr. President. I'm suddenly not feeling well...
Trump: No matter. I've said what I have to say. It's a pity a pretty girl like you can't take a little truth without losing her lunch. I'm leaving. I can't stand weak reporters...
