With all the talk of tolerance.....

[MountainMama]

I wanted you to know in some places, it is still not good to be gay....

This is happening in my family RIGHT NOW. I've been debating talking about it here, but this seems to be the perfect place.

I was raised Church of Christ. I've had my own struggles with my family over the years. My mom found out I was sexually active before I was married and I've been divorced twice. I also had the temerity to move away from the area. In some ways, I've been walking on pins and needles with my mom since I was 22 or so. No one calls me (except for one sister occasionally) and since I left the immediate area, I've been visited by family exactly never. However, I refuse to let the relationships die. They will have to issue the proclamation that I'm no longer welcome.

This brings me to my youngest nephew. He came out to all of us shortly before his 18th birthday. My youngest sister, who has went from the laughing, sparkling girl I knew to a holier-than-thou, solemn woman over the past five years, told him "he could stay until he graduated, then he had to get out." He moved in with his dad a few days before his graduation.

My family, and most of my sister's ex-in-laws, have fallen in line. My other sister told someone she thought my nephew was on drugs. He's never done drugs in his life. He's never been in any serious trouble in his life. Our aunt, when he told her (and he had been her favorite all his life), quit listening to him speak and made mean comments. She won't even talk to him now. When I went back home for his graduation, my parents referred to him in tones more suited to a serious criminal. My dad hid their spare key so my nephew wouldn't be able to get into their house. (In related news, I had asked my mom for a house key in the period of time before I permanently moved out of there. She refused.)

If my nephew does comes around, he can't bring any boyfriends or even talk about "gay stuff." His older brother (who's only 24) has gone all fire and brimstone on him and on ME for supporting him. He accused me of helping his brother be gay, or more gay somehow, because I support him.

They all firmly believe he's chosen to be gay. I tried talking to his mother after we all found out. In exasperation, I said, "Do you honestly believe he's chosen to be gay?" There was a pause and she said, "I just know he needs to get out of my house."

The other day he posted on Facebook, "My family tells me they love me for who I am, but half of them went to Chick-Fil-A for the anti-gay stuff. SMFH." It broke my heart.

[redwitch]

1. Awful. And so sad.

Your poor nephew! I am sorry that you and he have to deal with this. Families are supposed to love and support each other.

[nadinbrzezinski]

2. hugs

And I have no idea what to tell you. I know that my cousin was surprised some years back when the issue came up. But as long as he is happy, none of us should be judgmental.

[hedgehog]

3. I wish so often that I could have my gay cousin back alive - he got caught in the early AIDS

epidemic. He moved to Milwaukee after college, we think mostly so he could keep his gay life separate from his family. he came out to them before he died, and was promptly accepted. I know his death devastated them, and I suspect they wish that he'd felt comfortable staying in the home town.

When my daughter came out - I told her the one thing I wanted was that she never move to Milwaukee - by which I meant that she never think she had to leave the family.

[OriginalGeek]

4. I cut my losses long ago

I've seen my religious brothers once in the last 20 years or so. I talked to my stepfather at my mom's funeral for the first time in 8 or 9 years and haven't spoken to him once since.

I'm not gay - I'm an atheist. But I choose to be an atheist*. I can't compare or even imagine what it must be like for some kid to come out to his family and have them react like that.

All you can do is make sure he knows you love and support him no matter what and I bet that will be a great blessing to him. It sucks about the rest of them but you can't be responsible for them forever. Take care of yourself and take care of him as much as you can. Speak to them when they'll let you but don't let it beat you up if they won't listen.

THEY are the ones in the wrong here. Never forget that.

*edit to add: Actually, I misspoke - I think the default position for everyone is atheist. Until the indoctrination. I choose not to believe.

[MountainMama]

5. Thank you.

I have regularly been beating myself up over this. I can't make my family understand, I can't be physically there for him. It has been hard. I appreciate your kind words.

Luckily he has a good head on his shoulders. He has lots of friends. His dad, his stepmom and their family all support him. Right now, he's living with his stepsister and her little girl. He's gotten a job. I just pray they all get along. On our side of the family, it's just me and his cousin (and she's a year younger than him).