Monday Roundup: Stephen Miller's Hair and Other Lovecraftian Horrors
My friends, it is a testament to my drive and focus that this evening's blog isn't just a long series of gags about Stephen Miller's stale, crusty, easy cheese makeover, but dammit, I'm a journalist*! And I have a duty** to bring the news*** to the people****!
So let's wade through the madness, shall we? (You know this by now, but you can find this post, with all the relevant news links, on my humble blog site: http://showercapblog.com/monday-roundup-stephen-millers-hair-and-other-lovecraftian-horrors/)
Chris Christie, a guy whose political career ended in scandal, with approval ratings somewhere between genital tumors and the Blue (Da-Ba-Dee) song, joined the legion of deplorable shitsticks refusing to climb aboard the Shartanic, in refusing to become Dorito Mussolini's Chief of Staff. If getting turned down by a puritanical asparagus fart like Rick Santorum was embarrassing (and it was), this was a British-version-of-The-Office-level humiliation.
President Festering Nectarine finally got Mick Mulvaney to accept the gig, at least on an interim basis, presumably by threatening his family. Mulvaney will continue to serve in his current jobs as Director of OMB, White House Sous-Chef, Conditioning Coach for the GOP Bowling Team, and Commissioner of the World Wrestling Federation.
Rest In Peace, the Weekly Standard...I guess? Journalism about journalism is as tedious as theatre about theatre, so my feed has been full of cloyingly somber tributes to the magazine that sold the GOP's garbage ideas while sipping brandy in expensive suits instead of gargling cheap bear in a Trump That Bitch t-shirt, which is allegedly better for reasons that have not been explained to me.
I love, respect, and admire my never-Trumpers, I do...up to a point. They continue to dismiss or ignore the ten thousand ways they helped pave the way for Trump and Trumpism, but I admit it's kinda sad that they truly believed their lofty-if-shitty ideas ever really had an audience in a base animated by white resentment, white resentment, and above all else, white resentment.
Rudy Giuliani spends so much time moving goalposts, you'd think he was a fucking groundskeeper. Now suddenly all the hush payments that federal prosecutors have have labeled crimes are not crimes at all! And neither is collusion, how convenient! First it was “truth isn't truth,” now it's “crime isn't crime.” One of these days, he'll be on Meet the Press, and go, “Rudy isn't Rudy,” and blink completely out of existence.
Scott Walker signed a set of bills that reduce early voting and limit the powers of his Democratic successor because he's a cheap, fascist, thug, and because Republicans are testing the waters to find out exactly how much Democracy they can get away with destroying. No jokes in this paragraph, people. Just a very loud warning.
Paul Ryan, having driven his party into a ditch and inflated the national debt like one of those orange blob monsters in Dig Dug, is abusing the powers of his office one last time before leaving the nest for his new home inside David Koch's butthole. Paul actually wants a very non-Republican increase in immigration...for white people, of course! Yes, he's pushing for extra visas for the Irish, just to give the most condescendingly theatrical wink imaginable to all the GOP's ceaseless ranting and raving about immigration on the way out the door. I miss him already.
Fresh off a stint in the big house, lil’ Georgie Papaderpaderp says he wants to roll up to the trough and be a fancypants Congressgrifter just like Chris Collins and Duncan Hunter! His platform will be be half treason, half crime, and allllllll failure, bay-bee!
Hey, Tucker Carlson is finally shedding sponsors on his Smirking Douchenozzle White Power Hour, which seems...overdue. I honestly wonder, though...are brands fleeing the likes of Laura Ingraham and Liar Tuck because they don't want to be associated with shameless bigotry, or because America's white supremacists don't have any disposable income left after binging on ammunition and meth on payday?
Remember Friday night? You thought the news had died down for the week, so you were free to sneak out to your local watering hole/swingers party/dominatrix dungeon and get a leg up on the weekend but that's exactly when a Texas judge (who I am choosing to visualize as an elderly Yosemite Sam, complete with smoking pistols) decided he would like to take a fat sloppy dump in the middle of millions of his countrymen's lives, and declare the ACA to be 31 flavors of unconstitutional, because if the founding fathers wanted us to be healthy, they'd have cured cancer themselves, by gum.
The consensus seems to be that the legal reasoning behind the ruling is shakier than Brett Kavanaugh on spring break, and likely to be overturned. It's still a nice reminder that Republican Party doesn't want us to be alive any longer than is absolutely necessary. Sure, give the labor of the prime of your life to our donor class in return for substandard wages, but once you're no longer producing for your betters, well, if you could kindly drag yourself to the glue factory, that'd be swell.
Cowboy Ryan Zinke, having looted the supply closets at Interior down to the last paper clip and sold Smoky the Bear to Chevron as rag material, will be moving on to greener pastures. Like Scott Pruitt and Tom Price before him, he will be replaced by someone equally committed to undermining his department's mission, but likely not so stupid and greedy as to attract an army of watchdogs.
Word is, the Shart House tried for weeks to push the Z-Man out the door, but he wouldn't leave until he got to throw a big Xmas party for his lobbyist buddies. Can you imagine? Getting pushed around by a two-bit goon like Ryan Zinke? “I won't let you fire me until after my party.” It's just a goddamn mystery how this pillar of strength failed to disarm North Korea, isn't it?
Anyway, you sort of wish Zinke would wind up gettin’ some Jurassic-Park-style justice, don'tcha? Like he gets lost in Yellowstone, and devoured by a pack of squirrels or something?
Everybody wants their donations back from Celebrity Racist/Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith, but she already spent the money, suckaaaaaaaas! And when she wears her shiny new ruby-crusted pendant shaped like a burning cross on the Senate floor next year, she's gonna wink at the C-SPAN cameras and whisper “Thanks, Major League Baseball!”
Hey, speaking of unrepentant bigots who totally gotta away with everything, remember when then-Georgia Attorney General Brian Kemp accused state Dems, mere days before the midterm election, of attempting to illegally hack the state's voter registration system? Well, as we all suspected at the time, the little shitweasel made it all up! Pulled it straight out of his fascist ass! And combined with all of the other sneaky voter suppression operations he was able to direct as the guy in charge of overseeing his own election, he was juuuuuuust able to squeak out a “victory.”
But make no mistake; Brian Kemp is not the legitimately elected Governor of Georgia. And we shouldn't pretend otherwise. I've said it before, but when these bastards win by cheating, we need to stop congratulating them on their wiliness.
The Senate Intelligence Committee released their reports on Russia's meddling in the 2016 election, and you were all, “Oh right, we've been so focused on emoluments and Manafort and staff turnover we kinda forgot the part where there was an enemy nation working to install this Giant Rotten Nougatwad Wrecking Ball that's been fucking up our country for the last two years!”
There's all kinds of stuff in there about the Russians going after Mueller, or encouraging disaffected leftists to vote for Jill Stein and now I have to think about Jill Fucking Stein and that means grinding another layer of enamel off my teeth, goddammit.
So, the President of the United States thinks Saturday Night Live is illegal. Or ought to be. Because they make fun of him. In some ways, it's actually very amusing the way he behaves like a textbook authoritarian dictator, straight of central casting; the terror and hatred of mockery is Autocrat 101. In others, I occasionally worry he'll send drones to bomb 30 Rock.
He also seems to think that there something illegal about...investigating crimes. It must be hard to type on a spittle-drenched iPhone, but he spent the weekend trying to stir up a national outcry over the FBI...doing its job. “They're gathering evidence and interviewing witnesses and it's basically 1984 up in here now!” he shrieked, which actually provided a helpful opportunity for General Kelly to show Mick Mulvaney how to change the presidential diaper.
And yes, Stephen Miller, freshly ornamented with a thin layer of Nutella and dryer lint, slithered out onto the Sunday Shoz to hiss and spit his usual hateful bile and insist that Team Treasonweasel will do whatever is necessary to get their Big Stupid Wall That Nobody Wants built, they'll shut down the government, they'll tear down the Alamo for bricks, if they have to, they'll...wait, what? Yes, that's my real hair! It IS! I'M GENETICALLY SUPERIOR GODDAMMIT! QUIT LAUGHING!
...Stevie's not just the president of the hair club for klansmen, he's also a client!
Weehands McNodick is fond of of whining and moaning about the cost of the Mueller probe, which, again, is an investigation into an ATTACK ON THE UNITED STATES BY A HOSTILE FOREIGN POWER, so maybe if we're pinching pennies we could cut back on the golf before the national defense. But it turns out that not only has the whole shebang cost significantly less than, say, a cynical political stunt deployment of our troops, but it's actually seized significantly more than its expenses just from Paul Manafort.
So the Bobadook has actually turned a profit, making his investigation more successful than any of the Shart of the Deal’s businesses.
But if wasting taxpayer money is your jam, you'll LOVE the latest bribe, er...”payout” to the farmers who have victimized by Tangerine Idi Amin's moronic trade war! We could reverse the tariffs, but no, borrowing truckfuls of money for the world's most expensive band-aid makes much more sense.
The Department of Justice really really really really REALLY doesn't want the emoluments clause lawsuit to proceed to the discovery phase, on account of all the bribery that will turn up. More like the INjustice department, amright? (Extends arm expectantly for high five.)
Lamar Alexander, who isn't a moderate but feels like one because he doesn't have a QAnon tattoo on face, announced he will not seek re-election in 2020, which gives the feral assclowns of the Tennessee GOP two whole years to find somebody even batshittier than Marsha Blackburn to send to Washington to make laws mandating that department store Santas be heterosexual or whatever. I'm sure they're more than up to the task, sadly.
A couple of Mike Flynn's pals got indicted for their secret work “lobbying” on behalf of the Turkish government, and you know I'm starting to suspect these inner-circle MAGAts haven't been putting America first. Yes, this is all about Erdogan getting his hands on dissident cleric Fethullah Gulen, like he's the last uncaptured Pokemon or something. Yes, that's the same guy Government Cheese Goebbels’ is trying to swap to Turkey in exchange for their complicity in the Khashoggi murder. Yes, he would be swiftly murdered himself upon returning “home.” This is how immoral people conduct diplomacy, Virginia.
...and now that Khashoggi nabbed Donnie Dotard's coveted Time Person of the Year spot, you know the old man wants his name buried once and for all.
I'm sure there's more, but I feel like I've been slapped in the face with an ostomy bag for about eight hours right now, so I’m gonna sign off for the evening. See ya soon, Shower Captives!
*I am not in any way, shape, or form a journalist.
**hobby
***poop jokes
***that one's fine, actually.
= new reply since forum marked as read
Rare form, indeed!
Thank you for keeping all this stuff in your head without gagging on it. Tis a rare talent.
Keep it coming, please!
a beer coming your way, Happy Holidays!
. I love you, sir. Thank you for brightening my day! Giant Rotten Nougatwad Wrecking Ball. 
At home, howling with laughter. The neighbors have to be wondering what is going on in my house. TheFerret, I don't know who you are, but you are brilliant beyond brilliant.
Thank you for somehow making the overwhelming onslaught of daily hell funny, and just a wee bit more bearable. I thought I'd get that 'wee' word in one more time.
