Question

[sheshe2]

How many here, have been or are now doing 24/7 in home elderly care for a loved one? Parent. Spouse. Child. Loved one.

I ask, because I am. I know it has a huge impact on your life and your mental and physical well being. You ignore your own needs and you are removed from your friends because there is just not enough time. They are days that I just can't...

Statistics show that caregivers may die well before the one they are caring for.

......................................

When the Caregiver Is Sicker Than the Loved One
Caregiving is difficult, making it vital that caregivers focus on themselves at times

The Emotional and Physical Cost of Caregiving

Caring for a family member often takes a tremendous toll on the health and well-being of the caregiver. Research bears out that many caregivers neglect their own health while caring for their loved one. It fact, studies show that caregivers are at a much higher risk than others for diabetes, depression, stroke and other illnesses.

An oft-cited 1999 study found that caregivers have a 63 percent higher mortality rate than non-caregivers, and according to Stanford University, 40 percent of Alzheimer’s caregivers die from stress-related disorders before the patient dies.

https://www.nextavenue.org/caregiver-sicker-loved-one/

This is my second round, dad now mom and helped with my BIL as well. I had to move to take care of mom. Packed my apartment. Cleared out hers so I could move in her MIL apartment over my sisters garage. Mom lives downstairs now.

How do you all do it?

Huge hugs to all of you that have or are...

[guillaumeb]

1. Recommended.

My mother in law lived with us for many years. The last 5 or so, her physical and mental health declined slowly but steadily. Luckily for my wife, I worked not far away and could take time as needed in things happened. And things did happen.

Hugs to you, and if possible, get out regularly.

Take a walk, do something so you are not feeling trapped there.

Sad that the pro-fetus people in the GOP do not recognize what being pro-family and pro-life really means.



Guill

[Hermit-The-Prog]

2. I have no answer and no experience

I just hope you get help with that burden.

[sheshe2]

4. Thanks.

I hope so too.

[Zoonart]

3. Big hug for you Sheshe.

I did this for seven years. First dad...stroke...nursing home...funeral. Mom was a shut in the entire time. She had 24 seven care in home until her death, but It was a constant management nightmare. My mother was a very difficult woman. After her earth a year and a half ago, I thought I would feel a weight lifted, but it has taken as long for me to pull myself together. Missing the constant state of emergency and anxiety was like a phantom limb. I still have issues with free floating anxiety.
I am just beginning to emerge into the light of my own future.

Keep connected to your life. If there is something you love to do, make time for that every day.

Take good care.

[sheshe2]

7. Love and hugs, Zoonart.

It ain't easy, is it.

Thank you.

[uponit7771]

5. I have been in both situations, but more as the one who was cared for. I have a brain injury from a

... accident that left me with seizures for nearly 2 years and nearly a year in speech therapy.

Get help !!!

If you can afford it then pay for the help

Take time for yourself ... your loved one will understand and most likely will welcome someone else too.

Set a schedule for your two that you can agree on and make sure to set some scheduled time together.

[sheshe2]

14. Oh, uponit.

I am so sorry for all you have been through.

I am trying, yet sister and mom are always first. Me. Sigh.

[uponit7771]

16. thx and take care of yourself so you can take care of your family

[sheshe2]

17. You take care of you!

You!

[Ilsa]

6. Me.

Two people. One younger, one older. Can't get into it here because I'll start whining.

It's really hard for me to get my own health appointments scheduled, as well as car maintenance, etc.

[sheshe2]

9. Oh, Ilsa.

Hugs. I know.

Love and hugs to you. I know that is not much.

Just had a little health scare. Had to have another screening. I was scared and had to squeeze my appointment in. It turned out negative. I am good.

Hearts to you.

[Ilsa]

10. Oh, gosh. I don't know what I'd do with a health scare

while caring for 2 others. Scary.

I've had injuries over last two years due to one of my "situations". Fortunately, not too serious, just painful. My threshold is much higher now.

Hugs right back to you.

[mcar]

8. You must take care of yourself, she

I worked for a hospice for 6 years. On the PR end so did a lot of interviewing of staff, volunteers, family members. This is why I make this suggestion:

Please check to see if one of your local hospices offers any kind of "caring for the caregiver" programs. Some organizations also offer respite for caregivers - either in the form of adult day care or volunteers who will come to your home and take care of mom while you get a break. You need regular breaks.

Bless you for what you are doing.

[sheshe2]

11. We only have one person that comes in twice a week.

She is there about 2-3 hours a day.

My sister is a nurse and should know that there are others available. I guess she just plans on me to be there at all times.

Thanks. Will look into it.

Love ya too. mcar.

[mcar]

13. Don't take yourself for granted

Even if others do. You are important.

[sheshe2]

15. Thanks.

Need to sit down and talk to her when she is not snipping at me. And...scheduling her manicures, pedicures, facials and massages. That may a while.

[dlk]

12. I Was a Caregiver Parent of a Child with Chronic, Serious Medical Problems

I dearly love my child, who’s now an adult living independently. However, extreme caregiving drains the life out of a person and they pay a high price, physically, mentally emotionally and financially, even in the best situations. Compassion fatigue is real.

[sheshe2]

18. I am tired...

Just gonna give you a hug here, dlk.

[dlk]

38. Thanks! Hugs Back to You!

Focusing on self care helped.

[Texasgal]

19. My husband passed away

Two years ago while awaiting a liver/kidney transplant.

He was sick for many years, but the last two years were extremely rough. He was in and out of the hospital hundreds of times and very sick at home when he was here. I had to maintain work so that we could pay our bills... so 40 hours of work, plus taking care of him wore me down. Family and friends tried to help.. but it became too daunting for anyone...except me.

My life literally stopped by caring for him. When he passed in our living room under hospice care, I held his hand and said " It's okay".. I miss him terribly. His suffering needed to end and it did peacefully.

After he passed I found myself very confused and out of my element. He as no longer here for me to care for him. It's been hard to adjust back to normal life.. post caregiver and post healthy years we had together.

Being a caregiver is a difficult and sometimes thankless job. I can completely sympathize with you, and I hope you re trying to take care of you too.

One last comment for anyone reading: Please be an Organ Donor and save a life!

[sheshe2]

20. Texasgal.

So hard and you did so good. I am so sorry for all you went through. The loss of your husband.

Not easy.

[Texasgal]

21. Thank you!

Back to you: You need to make sure you try to do some things for yourself though! It's too hard to go day in and day out caring for your loved one. I wish that I had taken some of that advice myself!

Take a walk, read a book... eat some ice cream! *guzzle some wine?*

Whatever you do try to make and effort to take care of yourself.

[sheshe2]

23. Yep.

Thanks...kinda tired to even respond.

Good to hear from others that have gone through it. It's not easy.

I will take a walk when the ice and snow clears. The past few weeks have not been nice and four days next week are snow. Sigh.

Thanks.

[Maru Kitteh]

22. sheshe2 my mom lived with me for 17 years till she passed last Thanksgiving morning

It was frequently exhausting, emotionally challenging and it meant real sacrifices in our life - but it was also a great honor that enriched my life beyond measure. Just writing about it now has made me crumple into a puddle of tears. Oh God how I miss my little Mama.

I can only echo the advice of others. Care for yourself too. The two of you will find the right way for you. You have my fondest wishes and hopes for a rewarding experience.

[sheshe2]

25. What is it about Thanksgiving?

My BIL died on the eve. My dad, we buried a few days before. I miss them both.

I love you sweetie. Hugs.

[Maru Kitteh]

26. Thank you sheshe, I love you too. It's a good thing

I was never that into Thanksgiving to begin with, because it can now officially go straight to hell.



for your BIL and your dad.

[sheshe2]

28. I am not into any of the holidays....except for the kids.

Not mine, I don't have any. The great nieces and nephews. I love them all.

Love to you and yours, Maru.

[Maru Kitteh]

34. 4th of July is my Christmas, simply for the reason that

I truly love fireworks and blowing stuff up. I got that from my dad.

Other than that, I'm not much for holidays either. I will make a big fuss for Christmas when my grandbaby is here though. I will spoil her absolutely rancid.

[Staph]

24. I moved in with my then 89-year-old mother in 2013.

The family as a whole decided she needed someone on hand 24/7, though she is blessedly all there mentally, just slowing down physically. As the spinster daughter whose job allowed her to often work from home, I was drafted.

Within six months, I had a hysterectomy, was diagnosed with stage III cancer, and underwent chemo and radiation. Mom became the caregiver, taking me to doctor's appointments and making sure that I ate well.

We seem to take turns getting sick. She chose to stop driving (at 95, an excellent idea!), but I have a sister less than a mile away, so Sis steps in when I need to get away for a mental health day (or to take me to doctor's appointments - the cancer came back).

Caregiving is a hard job, a thankless job . . . and I wouldn't miss it for the world. I've heard stories from Mom that she's never told my sisters. On this Valentine's Day, it's a wonderful thing to know much I am loved.

[Maru Kitteh]

31. Oh my goodness. What a wonderful and amazing bond.

May you continue to enjoy each other, and best wishes for a continued recovery in your fight against cancer.

[madaboutharry]

27. Sending you a big hug sheshe2.

[sheshe2]

30. Thank you.

That means a lot to me, Harry.

Happy Valentines Day.

[2naSalit]

29. Make sure that you make time for yourself.

If you can schedule it so that you can leave the property to be able to unwind. Take a whole day if you can ir break it up but make sure you do that.

I have been in that situation and the best thing is to take some you time somewhere at regular intervals.

[Grammy23]

32. In 2003, my younger sister died rather unexpectedly. She had been the person

Responsible for looking out for our mother, although she did not live with her. With only a few day’s notice, we (my husband and I) had to move her 200 + miles to live with us. She had symptoms of dementia but had not been diagnosed. I got her established with my doctor so she had a primary care doctor. I also got power of attorney. Then she declined more and tested & was put on Aricept among her other meds. We quickly found out she could not be left alone ever. Not even long enough for my husband and me to go buy groceries. One of us had to be with her at all times. We both worked but different times (me daytime, husband at night) so we could work out a schedule so she was not alone. Our social life evaporated. I often cried daily getting dressed for work and on a few occasions had to take her with me. It was so stressful I wound up taking an antidepressant. It helped enormously and the crying stopped. I also stopped feeling so hopeless and guilty. I knew the only thing that would make it end would be her death and I felt horrible guilt but it was the truth. There was not going to be a magic pill to make it all better. Luckily, she was a rather docile person most of the time and that helped. I don’t know how people handle it when their loved one is combative and dangerous.

Eventually we were able to get momma enrolled at an adult, medical daycare. It was offered as service of the local Council on Aging and cost $7/hour compared to $15/hr for a sitter who did nothing but sit. No cooking for her or care other than helping her to the bathroom. At the daycare she was fed twice a day and had entertainment and volunteers & nursing staff that did crafts and fun things. She went on outings once a month until she got too frail. She was a retired nurse and THOUGHT she worked there. We just let her think that because it gave her purpose. She went in every day to check on her “patients”, checking their pulse and asking how they felt. The staff there was so sweet and let her do that. It was the best thing we could do for her and for us. My husband & I had a little time to go out for lunch and feel like we had a bit of our old life back.

Eventually she was put on hospice care because the level of care was more than we could provide so the hospice social worker helped us get her admitted to a nursing home. She was there for two days when she passed away peacefully. She was 92. She spent just over three years with us and if we had to we’d do it again.

We are now facing what to do about my husband’s 88 yr. old mother and 80+ stepfather. They live in their house a little over two hours from us. Their heath is declining and both are very stubborn. They do not get along (an understatement). It is not clear what needs to happen but the situation they are in cannot go on much longer. None of the siblings to my husband are in a position to have both of them living with them. That includes us. So some hard decisions will need to be made. I’m trying not to get too anxious about this but it is not easy.

[lordsummerisle]

33. I moved in with my elderly mother several years ago

to take care of her. She was slowly declining from dementia and finally passed away in November. The last several weeks of her life were in hospice care. I didn't have much of a life during that period and when she passed it left a huge gap. Fortunately the hospice has an excellent counselor who runs monthly bereavement groups and they have been a great help...

[TexasBushwhacker]

35. As others have said, you have to take care of yourself

I was my mother's caregiver, on an off, for 10 years. Being the only single child and the only female, the responsibility naturally fell to me. I certainly don't regret it, but even though I continued to work full time through most of it, I was not able to climb the corporate ladder and grow my career, so it just stalled out. Then after she died, I just fell apart. Her care had been my central purpose for so long that it was like an amputation.

If you have siblings, demand that they help. One of my brothers helped during the last year, but only when I asked and then it was sometimes grudgingly. I wish I had gotten him more involved earlier.

[Glamrock]

36. That's rough mama. I feel for ya.

You ever need to blow off steam and talk, I'm just a pm away, for whatever that's worth...

[Phoenix61]

37. I moved my mom into my home after

my dad died. She had advanced Alzheimer's and needed 24/7 care. It was quite a learning curve. I tried working full-time for a couple months but there just wasn't anyway to make that work. I had her with me for 2 years until her death. It took awhile to get used to not having to watch the clock when I was out of the house.