So I'm Throwing My Hat in the Ring

[NanceGreggs]

After giving it absolutely no thought at all, I’ve decided to run for the presidency.

I believe my campaign promises will dazzle the nation – like eliminating all taxes for the wealthy, quadrupling the deficit every three months, and building a wall on the northern border which will be paid for by Madagascar.

My cabinet appointments will include the “very best” crooks and liars money can buy. I think the slogan ”A fox in charge of every henhouse” will capture the imagination of the idiots who think trustworthiness – along with competence and experience – are old school bullshit.

My children will be my trusted advisors. My son knows nothing about politics or foreign affairs – but I’m sure putting him in charge of world peace will work out nicely. My daughter isn’t even an American citizen, but I can simply override any objections to her getting a security clearance. And if both of them can use their positions to make money for themselves or their mom, that’s just icing on the cake.

I will spend the time leading up to my election negotiating with foreign, adversarial powers before choosing which of our nation’s enemies are best positioned to undermine our democracy – the successful applicant to be given highly confidential information once I am ensconced in the Oval Office.

I am currently working with a tutor who is teaching me to read at a third grade level, and has already given me invaluable pointers on how to eliminate words of more than two syllables from my vocabulary. To be honest (another thing I am struggling to un-learn), being able to utter false and misleading statements on an average of twenty times per day is proving to be a challenge. But with the grace of godless “Evangelicals” and a frontal lobotomy, I’ll get there!

I realize I have a tough road ahead of me. While I have never been a lock-kids-in-cages, insult-our-allies, ignore-climate-change-science kind of gal, I am confident that with enough practice, I can shit on the Constitution, the rule of law, and common sense as well as the next guy.

I believe that with enough spray-on tan, enough covfefe tweets, and my hair arranged like a crop circle on my head, I can win the hearts and minds of the populace.

On the plus side, I have a doctor (able to practice in some states) willing to swear I am 6’10”, weigh 107 pounds, and will undoubtedly live forever. I also have an accountant (not yet under investigation) who will sign an affidavit to the effect that I am a multi-billionaire, and a personal lawyer (not yet disbarred) who is already shredding any and all documents relating to my legal woes, in hopes that a “special counsel” will be stymied in any attempt to discredit me.

All of my campaign merchandise (e.g. baseball caps emblazoned with messages like ”Make America a Shithole Country”) will be manufactured in low-wage countries, I have made a deal with McDonalds to cater all meals served at the White House, and will implement laws that deport anyone who disagrees with me – so it’s not like I’m unwilling to do what is necessary to be a total asshole.

So when you go to the polls in 2020, don’t forget to vote for NanceGreggs – the woman more than happy to sell out the country for personal financial gain, more than able to destroy our nation’s well-being, and more than willing to lie, cheat and steal in order to be elected.

I won’t get any votes from Democrats – but I’ve no doubt that Republican voters will (with some aid from our nation’s enemies) put me in the White House before you can say how-the-fuck did this clueless broad ever get elected?

[harumph]

1. Nance - you've got the ORC vote for sure!

On edit: how about a "fantasy football" game for the worst would be applicants
for your cabinet. I'll take Marshal Petain for Secretary of Defense!

[Turbineguy]

2. You're a shoe-in

for the republican party. The only shortcoming I can see is you're a female. Rub some rogaine on your face and perhaps slip a very small cucumber down your pants and you'll be the complete package.

[sheshe2]

3. Thank you NanceGreggs.

I so needed the laugh.

You are 'smocking' it!

[ProudLib72]

4. Too bad I'm going to run on the same platform and I have a penis!

And let me tell you, my penis gets around. THAT, is why I feel confident I can pull this off. But if you're nice, Nance, then I will make you Secretary of Education...maybe Secretary of Treasury or Defense. Oh what the hell, you can have three Secretary jobs at once.

[Hermit-The-Prog]

22. you are easily defeated

All it takes is:

1. a bottle of blonde
2. implants
3. short, tight skirt
4. Fox

[herding cats]

5. You're close to perfect, but I see one pretty big flaw...

No seedy affairs with porn stars and subsequent payoffs to keep their mouths closed. I don't mean to nitpick, but it seems to be a new selling point for the RW evangelical types. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[NanceGreggs]

14. I'm working on it.

I'm thinking about "I once bedded a sixteen-year-old in Reno just to watch him die" as a sure-fire campaign slogan.

I'm pretty sure there's a Biblical reference that the Evangelicals can find to support my position.

[Hermit-The-Prog]

24. try Genesis 34: 1-31

Dinah goes out and "lays" with Shechem, son of Hamor, and in return, her brothers kill every male in the city, take all the stuff, and take the women and children hostage.

It's a good GOPer business transaction.

[First Speaker]

6. If I run--and I'm considering it--here's my platform:

1. Every Friday is National Pizza Day. There will be free pizza distributed to every American at noon precisely. Anchovies, sausage, and pepperoni only.

2. Mandatory dancing in the streets every three weeks. The music involved shall be swing and classic jazz. Only people with notes from their doctor will be excused, and they have to play a tambourine in accompaniment.

3. Giant posters of Harpo Marx, George Carlin, Judy Tenuta, and Gilbert Gottfried shall be hung in all public squares.

4. Babe Ruth, Billie Holiday, H. L. Mencken, Humphrey Bogart, Robert A Heinlein, and Andy Kaufman--among others--will replace the dreary lot of ex-pols on our coins and currency.

5. Half of our defense budget will be devoted to research into making the perfect ice cream. To that effect, Ben and Jerry shall be named permanent members of the Cabinet.

6. The new National Anthem of the United States shall be decided by an open competition. The winner shall be selected via a national reality show vote.

7. Members of Congress shall be chosen by lot. No excuses to avoid service shall be permitted. In return, said members shall be permitted first dibs on the new ice cream, and be the first to get their pizza.

8. There shall be mandatory re-runs of *Night Court* on all channels every Sunday at nine p.m.

9. A statue of Charlie Parker shall be constructed across New York Harbor, opposite the Statue of Liberty.

10. Baseball teams shall be allowed only ten pitchers per team. If they run out, teams shall be permitted to use their batting practice pitcher--but only in extra innings, and only if he/she throws underhand.


OK--that's a good start. I think I'd get as many votes as your mythical GOP candidate...but, really, who knows. I would run on the Let's-Get-Down-And-Boogie Party.

[CatMor]

7. Will you also promise to have ...

the biggest, bestest inauguration in the history of the world? Bigger than President Obama had.

[NanceGreggs]

11. I am already predicting ...

... that my inauguration ceremony will surpass 64,427,211 people. I stand to be corrected, but I believe that's 22 more people more than Trump claims attended his.

[Yavin4]

8. What about your golf plans?

How many days in a year will you play golf?

[NanceGreggs]

12. I don't play golf.

But I can guarantee spending at least 12 hours per day devoted to "executive time" knitting.

[lpbk2713]

9. I don't see how you can lose.

It worked before. It should work again.

[Blue Owl]

10. Start autographin' them Good Books...

n/t

[OilemFirchen]

13. So you started your OP with "So".

So you've so got the Millenials in your pocket.

Wanna grab the GenX and Yers too?

"So I'm Like Literally Throwing My Hat in the Ring"

[NanceGreggs]

30. Funny you should mention ...

I’m a court reporter, and I do transcripts for gov’t hearings. Those participating are usually CEOs of major companies, and retirees turned consultants – mostly people sixty and up.

And yet it seems that every question asked, and every answer given, begins with “so”.

A typical transcript looks like this:

Q. So when did you start your consulting business?
A. So it was in 2010.
Q. So how many employees do you have?
A. So it varies between twenty and twenty-five.

My fellow reporters and I have discussed this many times. It almost seems contagious. If a witness begins every answer with “so”, the questioning lawyer starts doing it within minutes.

[raging moderate]

15. Yes, we need a hero to split the right-wing vote.

Please, if you can, this would be so great!

[grantcart]

16. Maybe your best ever

[KY_EnviroGuy]

17. I'm throwing my hat in the ring to stay sane through another week of this shit.

Thanks for a good rant, NanceGreggs.......

Just remember that plenty of golf, Diet Coke, and adoring fans at government-funded rallies awaits you......

[gaiadiversity]

18. Uggh

Another worthless post like SNLs now pointless mocking of the Trump admin. #wegetit #geez

[NanceGreggs]

23. Oh there, there, sweetums ...

Mocking the Trump administration is never pointless. There's always the chance that some clueless knuckle-dragger out there will finally wake up to the fact he's being screwed by his lying, Russian-colluding "pResident".

Miracles happen.

[revmclaren]

26. I can think of one or two posts

that are MUCH more worthless...





ONLY!!! 2019 and beyond.

[KSNY]

19. Love it...but it only works for white men...

I was with you until I got to the part about "the woman more than happy to sell out the country for personal financial gain..."
You might be a witch, like that Hillary Clinton lady...

[spooky3]

21. Agree. Nance has to learn that women are qualified only

to wear “I don’t care, do u?” jackets and smile on command.

[tandgf]

20. I am a NanceGreggs kind of guy !!!

Go Nance - Go Nance - Go Nance - Go Nance - Go Nance !!!

[BarbD]

25. Wow!!! This is one for the ages.

What a delicious way to start the week.

[IADEMO2004]

27. Wake up Wake up It's a terrible dream.

[Niagara]

28. + 1

Would you consider hiring me in one of the following positions?

1. The official and "Unpresidented Chef Hamberder Hemper (Helper)

2. The "coffee girl" that you don't really know, even after working on your campaign for 11 months.

3. The Unhinged Lying Press Secretary, AKA The Director of Storytelling. I've been practicing...

"Look, President NanceGreggs doesn't use her executive time to knit all day. She's busy working to MAGA."

"There will be hell "toupee" if you don't stop asking questions about Pres. NanceGreggs ethics and morality practices. Who do you people think you are?"

[NanceGreggs]

31. Absolutely!

When applying for any of these positions, please ensure that you are not qualified for the job, and have no experience and/or expertise in the field you wish to work in.

And remember – being unable to get a security clearance is a must!

[Niagara]

35. Perfect!

If you need inexperience, I'm going for the EPA Administrator position.

[hermetic]

29. You already won

the Internet for the day!! Freakin' brilliant.

[malaise]

32. This is way too good

Rec

[IronLionZion]

33. Yeah, you'll really shake things up

I like that you speak your mind and don't sound at all like a politician. You're willing to say bold things and won't be intimidated by the establishment or fake news media or anyone else.

You sound like the type of real woman who can make America great again.

[Gumboot]

34. Nance wins the day!

And I just laughed myself a six-pack... and put my back out again.

[AZ8theist]

36. Where do I get a bumper sticker?