White House: Mueller Report Must Be Kept Private. It's So Exonerating It Would Drive Public Mad

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

WASHINGTON—Arguing that the special counsel’s findings constitute a grave threat to public health, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee-Sanders told reporters Thursday the Mueller report must never be released because it’s so exonerating it would drive the American people to madness. “This report has found the president so overwhelmingly innocent that the average human mind, unable to grasp just how completely free from culpability he is, would lose its grip on reality and spiral into insanity,” said Huckabee-Sanders, who warned that the general public, upon reading the 300-page report, would be reduced to “gibbering idiots,” foaming at the mouth as they read the secret revelations that confirm President Trump is the single least-guilty individual in the history of mankind. “If everyday citizens were to see for themselves how thoroughly the president has been absolved from any conceivable wrongdoing, they would have a total psychotic breakdown, perhaps gouging their eyes out or stripping naked and running into oncoming traffic. Maybe Democrats don’t care if crazed readers of the full report start cannibalizing their own family members, but in the interests of public safety, we cannot release these pages.” Huckabee-Sanders later added that a raving, feral Attorney General William Barr had recently been fitted with a straightjacket and confined to a secure psychiatric facility.

https://politics.theonion.com/white-house-says-mueller-report-must-be-kept-private-be-1833813865?utm_source=TheOnion_Daily_RSS&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=&utm_term=

[NastyRiffraff]

1. You almost got me

Lately when I see a ridiculous, unbelievable, over the top headline here I automatically check the link. Very occasionally, it's The Onion or Borowitz.

[Leghorn21]

4. YEP! I was crediting Roody seconds before I clicked on the post...

MERCY!

[Leith]

11. It's getting harder and harder to tell

At first I was all ready to post 'bull shit!' I figured it out by the second sentence.

[Ponietz]

2. That's the most coherent argument they have. How disgustingly sad.

[Iliyah]

3. STFU

It's not your call.

[Tommy_Carcetti]

5. The Onion better not be giving the White House ideas. nt

[gratuitous]

6. Trump is so innocent, Jesus is jealous

"Man, I thought I was the sinless one, but Donald J. Trump has me beat all hollow," lamented the former Messiah, upon turning in his crown.

[RANDYWILDMAN]

7. It's so close to the crap they already spew

we could write the headlines.


Sanders is gonna rot in hell for the all the lies she has already sold on behalf of the orange menage, why would another couple thousand matter.

Impeachment is not ever going to happen, but it should....Kavanaugh as well!

[backtoblue]

8. I did not fall for this one!

At first I was all...


Now I'm just...


It will be nice to not have to wonder if it's satire with every crazy thread title...it will be nice to not wake up and wonder what the crazy man is spewing...it will be nice to have a compassionate and human person in the white house one day...

[PeeJ52]

9. So mad they would be driven to running into wind mill farms and getting cancer!!!

That would be terrible.. Orange you glad they didn't?

[akraven]

10. LOVE the Onion!

This is among the best for this gibbering idiot!