Mueller Stirs Controversy by Urging Americans to Read

[nycbos]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel Robert Mueller ignited a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by recommending that millions of Americans read.

Mueller, seemingly oblivious to the uproar he was about to create, repeatedly commented that there was valuable information available to the American people only by reading a long book.


https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/mueller-stirs-controversy-by-urging-americans-to-read

[Chin music]

1. Demand an unredacted one, so you don't have to read it twice.

It's time for some true transparency 'of the kind the king tells us he is'.

[emmaverybo]

2. Gave me a great chuckle. And there's truth here. nt

[Skittles]

3. read BETWEEN THE LINES would be a better assessment

[Hoyt]

4. So true. Mueller's comments today are presented almost verbatim in the Report.

The only positive is that maybe hearing it -- rather than having to read it -- changes polls that show only 40% want Impeachment before today.

[yaesu]

9. My only regret, other than him making barr look like a Saint, was that he had to mention the

Constitution along with the DOJ's flawed policy. I don't think the Constitution was mention in the report when it came to bringing charges against a sitting president.

[Hoyt]

11. You're correct, Mueller got confused about Constitution. I think he

could indict trump, except for DOJ policy. Personally, I think it would be impossible to get a unanimous jury conviction in a court. There will likely always be one or more ignorant white winger on a jury willing to vote for acquittal.

[yaesu]

12. Yep, a jury conviction alone would be very difficult, especially with the money behind tRumps

defense as the whole repug party would be symbolically on trial also. Repeals would follow, fight over self pardons if tRump pulled that, it would be a chit show. With all that said bringing him up on charges would be money well spent & the right thing to do regardless of the outcome imho.

[dem4decades]

26. How was Nixon an unindicted co-conspirator? Wasn't that against DOJ policy?

And the Constitution?

[EffieBlack]

29. No. Because he was not indicted

There’s no prohibition against saying he participated in a conspiracy.

[dem4decades]

30. Wasn't Trump part of a conspiracy to obstruct justice? Couldn't Mueller

Do that? He and Jr concocted that bullshit cover up story about the Trump Tower meeting on AF1. That was a conspiracy IMO.

[EffieBlack]

31. He didn't say the obstruction was part of a conspiracy

It was pretty much all Trump.

The Mueller Report said that while there was evidence of a conspiracy in the Russia interference, there wasn't enough evidence to charge it.

[dem4decades]

32. There certainly were others. Mueller didn't say a lot of things. He should have.

It appears Bill Barr and his buddy Robert Mueller don't give a fuck as long as Republicans control the country.

[walkingman]

5. I only read about 5 lines these days and I'm bored. Is this a disease?

[pazzyanne]

15. I think it is part of tRump Fatique Syndrome.

[walkingman]

17. Roger that!! Just kidding but I have noticed that many people do not like long articles these days.

[GitRDun]

6. How about he SPEAK!

Don't lecture us on what we need to do if he doesn't have the sand to sit in a chair and speak the truth.

All that hype about what a straight shooter he was...he looks pretty wimpy and limpy to me!

[mitch96]

10. "How about he SPEAK!"

He doesn't sound like I expected him to sound.. I was thinking more John Wayne voice..
Aside from the sound, his words speak truth... VOTE HIM OUT!!!
m

[handmade34]

7. satire is dead...

this was my honest to goodness takeaway from Mueller today

[nocoincidences]

8. OMFG

READ. THE. REPORT.

He spent thousands of hours parsing every word to make it as thorough and clear as possible.

He's not going to read it out loud. He's saying that loud and clear.

[StarfishSaver]

20. I heard pundits today saying Congress should bring him in to read key portions of the report

because actually hearing the words in his voice would make a difference to the public.

Seriously. People were actually saying that.

[Pachamama]

13. I think most Americans might do it if they got the Audio version of the Mueller Report....

[Chin music]

21. Tell ya what. I heard it on audiobook and when congress read it,

hearing the word trump thousands of times per each 19 hour stint, is about all a person can handle. It's rife w evidence trump is selling out this country. Prepare yourself. Gotta take it a couple hours at a time.

[Pachamama]

22. The Mueller Report needs to come with a warning

Your right - hearing the name Trump 1000’s of Times in a short period might cause seizures or worse

[Chin music]

24. Less trump, more unredacting.

[Pachamama]

25. They could just replace the word Trump with "Asshole"

That would be easier on the ears and nerves

[Chin music]

27. Haha.

[NotHardly]

14. Telling the American people to read the document ... sly fox (clever by half)

[uponit7771]

16. DISAGREE ! Mueller stirs controversy by telling congress to fuck off.

https://www.vox.com/2019/5/29/18644237/robert-mueller-remarks-transcript

And the report is my testimony. I would not provide information beyond that which is already public in any appearance before congress.

[pdsimdars]

18. Borowitz is a true genius.

[Ilsa]

19. Oh, the horrors!

[NastyRiffraff]

23. Truth in satire

Shorter Robert Mueller: "Read the fucking report. Congress, that means you."

[Gothmog]

28. I love good satire