Frustrated Subway Marketers Scrap $150 Million Jeffrey Epstein Ad Campaign

[Yo_Mama_Been_Loggin]

MILFORD, CT—Bemoaning the tremendous loss of time and resources, frustrated executives at the Subway restaurant chain have scrapped a $150 million advertising campaign featuring Jeffrey Epstein, company officials confirmed Tuesday. “Goddammit, we were just gearing up to launch Jeffrey Epstein as the new face of Subway, and now all that work has gone down the toilet,” said chief brand and innovation officer Len Van Popering, explaining that sex-trafficking charges filed against Epstein yesterday had derailed Subway’s biggest advertising push in years, which was set to begin with ads introducing the billionaire financier as the brand’s new spokesperson. “He was supposed to be Jeffrey, the Subway Guy, for chrissakes! We bought network airtime. We paid God knows how much to plaster his face all over cups, sandwich wrappers, and window displays, which have already shipped to our 42,000 locations worldwide. We even spent a few hundred thousand dollars working with our chefs to devise a limited-edition grilled lamb sandwich with all of his favorite ingredients.” At press time, Subway was reportedly looking into replacing Epstein with Academy Award–winning filmmaker Roman Polanski.

https://www.theonion.com/frustrated-subway-marketers-scrap-150-million-jeffrey-1836215976

[NanceGreggs]

1. LOL!!! n/t

[gibraltar72]

2. Jared ain't doing anything. Call him.

[Politicub]

3. Ha!

[Ms. Toad]

4. You got me.

I'm halfway thorugh the article, thinking, "Why on earth would any company feature Epstein in an ad campaign."

In my defense, I was only skimming . . .

[Cirque du So-What]

5. First Jared, now Jeffrey

Here's hoping Epstein faces even more jail time than Jared. Oh, BTW...I know it's the Onion. Considering the extent of wrongdoing, shouldn't Epstein do even more time than Jared?

[RKP5637]

6. OMG, it was the Onion!!!

Why in the world would they pick a controversial figure like Epstein. IMO, "serves them right!"

[hlthe2b]

7. LOL.. their ad agency just has the worst luck with their selection of commercial spokespeople...

The Onion just thrives on this stuff.

[uponit7771]

8. K&R, I was stuck for second

[Wounded Bear]

9. Yep! I fell for it for a while...

It's getting harder and harder to separate satire from reality.

[SCVDem]

10. I've learned

Check the attribution if it sounds too good.

[Leghorn21]

11. Lordy, you had me for 3.2 seconds!!!

Well done!!

[geardaddy]

12. LOL

I love The Onion!

[NoMoreRepugs]

13. Touche. Kushner should be the subway boy IMO.

[keithbvadu2]

14. Chick-fil-A can hire him.

Chick-fil-A can hire him.

Jeffrey does not seem to have 'hte gay' so he should be ok with them.

[icymist]

15. LOL! Ya had me going there for a moment!

My first impression was WTF?! and then I saw it was the Onion.

[Gothmog]

16. I love the Onion

[lame54]

17. They can promote the Trump 3 inch foot long