A good joke from the Heaven believers

[malaise]

A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."
"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"

St. Peter replied, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"That's incredible, " said the man.

St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

The man was impressed, and then asked, "Where's Donald Trump's clock?"

St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[Eliot Rosewater]

1. Good one

[customerserviceguy]

2. Now, that's funny!

St. Peter and the pearly gates are the subject of many good jokes!

[malaise]

5. Yes indeed

[customerserviceguy]

8. Ok, it's a little bit unseasonal, but here's one of my favorites

Three men die and arrive at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter says to them, "You've all been really bad, and I should send you straight down, but it's Christmas, and I'm feeling somewhat charitable. You can get in if you have something related to Christmas with you."

The first guy pops out a Bic lighter, and flicks it, saying, "Christmas lights!" St. Peter says, "Well, that's a stretch, but OK, go on in."

The second guy pulls his keys out of his pockets, and bounces them up and down by the fob. He says, "Christmas bells!" St. Peter says, "Well, that's really pushing it, but, hey, it's the holiday season, come on in."

The third guy whips out a pair of women's panties from his pocket, and St. Peter says, "So what does THAT have to do with Christmas??!!"

He says, "They're Carole's."

[Marie Marie]

17. So....

did the third guy get in????

[customerserviceguy]

54. Well

with Carole, he did!

[Saboburns]

40. That's a keeper.

I'm stealing this one, Lol.

[customerserviceguy]

55. It's not "stealing"

it's "recycled humor".

[imanamerican63]

3. ........

[bdamomma]

4. That's good

[shelshaw]

6. Probably causes cancer

[oasis]

7. Ohhhh yes!

[bluestarone]

9. SOOOOO funny and

SOOOOO true!!!!

[SCantiGOP]

10. Everything old is new again

I remember hearing that one, but the spinning clock belonged to ..... Bill Clinton.

[malaise]

19. Never heard that version

Hehehehehhe

[WePurrsevere]

29. It's an oldie but this version is hands down the most accurate.

I've seen a variation of this for a few different politicians but even if we piled all of their lies together it would still only be a small hill compared to the pathological liar Trump's Everest or Mauna Kea size mountain and his mountain is still growing at an alarming rate.

[malaise]

34. His lies can generate electricity

so much fugging hot air

[WePurrsevere]

38. Well at least then he'd serve a positive purpose.

[tblue37]

11. LOL! K&R & thanks! nt

[sandensea]

12. Reminds me of the one about the family man who goes to heaven, and is given a vintage Mercedes limo

"Good heavens!" he said. "I've always loved these but could never afford one - to what do I owe the honor?"

"Well," St. Peter said. "We decided to reward faithful spouses in some meaningful way - as so few of you still are, you know. The more faithful you were in marriage, the nicer your ride."

"Why, thank you St. Peter! But who's the lady in the rusty old beater?"

"Ah," St. Peter said.

"That's your wife."

[malaise]

20. Ouch!

[TheBlackAdder]

13. If that were truly Heaven, would someone really need a ceiling fan? 🤔

.

.

[thesquanderer]

42. Sounds like a question Captain Kirk should pose.

[TheBlackAdder]

53. +1,394,228 👍

[burrowowl]

14. K&R

[quickesst]

15. if you can stand one more

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.” So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, which makes the engineer a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?” Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.” God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.” Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.” God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.” Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?” 😆

[malaise]

37. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah hahahahahha

As they say
All lawyers are liars - even when they die, they lie still

[quickesst]

43. I love a good joke....

.... And this is one of my favorites.

[luvtheGWN]

41. I knew there'd have to be a lawyer joke! Here's another one,

this time about doctors:

It was a Wednesday afternoon and 3 docs were playing golf. Storm clouds were blowing in but the docs kept playing. Then it started to rain. They heard thunder, headed for the nearest tree, and then lightening struck. They all died.

A bit later, they found themselves outside the Pearly Gates. St. Peter told them they'd done a very foolish thing, seeking shelter under a very tall tree during a thunderstorm. "So? Are you going to let us in?" St. Peter replied "What did you do while living?" All 3 of them answered proudly "We were doctors. We saved lives."

St. Peter sighed, hemmed and hawed, and finally said "Okay, I hear Hell is getting kind of crowded so you might as well enter."

They walked through the Pearly Gates, looked around and quickly spotted an old fellow in a white coat with a stethoscope hanging around his neck. They asked St. Peter "Is that a fellow doctor?"

St. Peter replied "No, that's God. He's just playing doctor."

[quickesst]

44. haha....

[Oppaloopa]

49. Love this one.

[Blue Owl]

16. Kind of like this...

[SeattleVet]

18. That's a very graphic representation...

of tRump's Twitter feed.

[malaise]

21. Hehehehehe

[N_E_1 for Tennis]

26. Thank god dogs don't do that...nt

[Kid Berwyn]

58. The Donald J. Trump Story

Many acts. One scene.

[tymorial]

22. Lol

That's good.

[Norbert]

23. Another one

There was a mid-air plane crash involving two planes. On one of the planes both pilot and co-pilot was killed. With no one to control it, the stricken plane was certain to crash in less than 10 minutes.

On the plane was a Doctor, a Rabbi, a very pregnant woman, a girl scout and Donald Trump. Each person scattered about the airplane and was able to find four parachutes for the five passengers. Decisions now had to be made.

The Doctor said, “The woman needs one of the parachutes. After all she will soon give birth.” They all agreed, helped the woman with the parachute and to jump from the plane.

“The doctor should use another parachute because he can help the woman, the baby and any one of us.” Said the Rabbi. The doctor reluctantly agreed, took a parachute and jumped.

Donald Trump took one that was next to the girl scout and after a brief struggle with her, he said, “I’m the greatest and smartest president of the Unites States. Therefore I must have a parachute." The girl scout continued to protest but to no avail. Trump jumped from the plane.

The rabbi said to the girl scout, “You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I am old and have lived most of my life. You take the last parachute.”

The girl scout answered, “Oh but there are two parachutes for us.”

Puzzled, the rabbi asked, “How could that be?”

“Well, the greatest and smartest president of the United States just jumped out of the airplane with my back pack.”

[N_E_1 for Tennis]

27. Would it be a...

Shithole where he landed?

[BBG]

39. Afterwards for sure

Then again his blubberiness would probably split rather than augur in.

[ecstatic]

35. Lol! nt

[malaise]

56. Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah hahahahaha

[N_E_1 for Tennis]

24. You owe me a cup of coffee...

Brilliant! Thanks, Mal.

[malaise]

31. I stole it

That said you deserve the laugh - the tennis is very good

[Ferrets are Cool]

25. Mother Teresa was never asked...

"Does this dress make me look fat?"

[malaise]

32. yah think?

[Ferrets are Cool]

36. No doubt about it

[PJMcK]

28. Great joke! K&R

On the other hand, sad but true.

[FM123]

30. All these jokes are so funny!

I am taking a lil break from hurricane prepping and these laughs are def helping to offset my worries...

[malaise]

33. Yep we need the laughs

Stay safe

[quickesst]

45. the joke thread continues

Can't remember where I heard this one, and it might have been right here, but I almost fell out of my chair when I heard it. Not exactly St Peter or Pearly Gates but somewhat religious. Enjoy.


A race of aliens visits earth one day; they come in peace and surprisingly, they speak English. Obviously all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our lord and savior Jesus Christ?" "You mean J.C?", responds the alien. "yeah we know him he's the greatest isn't he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok". Surprised, the pope follows up with "He visits every year?! It's been over 2 millenia and we're still waiting for his SECOND coming!" The alien sees that the pope has become irate at this fact and starts trying to rationalize "Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?" The pope retorts "Chocolates? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?" The alien says "Yea, when he FIRST visited our planet we gave him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?"

[Rhiannon12866]

47. +1000!

[quickesst]

48. glad you liked it

[Rhiannon12866]

57. Terrific joke, thanks so much for sharing

I've passed it on twice already!

[quickesst]

59. One of my favorite all-time jokes

Hell, I still chuckle even when I think about it.

[malaise]

50. LOL

[SWBTATTReg]

46. Thanks all for the great jokes!! Amazing and the laughs are very appreciated!! Take care. NT

[PatrickforO]

51. Thanks for the laugh!

Ceiling fan indeed.

[triron]

52. lol