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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsThis Week in Hell: Head-Butts, Menstrual Spreadsheets, & Fireside Chats (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I honestly cant tell the difference anymore between reading the news and having a dozen evil clowns shriek directly into my ear while punching me in the temples. If its the clown thing, I apologize, but on the off chance that all this shit is really happening in real life, lets get to chroniclin.
(And yeah, you can find this post, like all the others, with nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/this-week-in-hell-head-butts-menstrual-spreadsheets-fireside-chats/)
Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman testified before Adam Schiffs Impeachment Inquiry and Jug Band, delivering the most damaging testimony for Hairplug Himmler yet, which is particularly impressive, considering the doddering old bastard personally released a partial transcript confessing to Dagwood-sandwich-sized crimes.
Early leaks of Vindmans testimony rattled Team Treasonweasel so badly they quickly deployed the only tactic in their scumbag quiver, dispatching the handful of pond scum surrogates still willing to lash their reputations to a sinking, rotten, disease-ridden, ship to slander the Purple Heart recipient as a deep state, NeverTrump, foreign spy who kicks puppies and actually knows how to tie a necktie like a grownup unlike REAL MURICANS who let that shit dangle down to the gawdamn shinbones.
CNNs new MAGAjag contributor, Sean Duffy, drew that odious duty, and executed it with repulsive enthusiasm. Isnt it cool that a malicious buffoon like Duffy can obtain spectacular wealth just by popping up on television now and then to blather nonsensically? Its really not that different from being Pee Wee Herman, frankly, except rather than delighting an audience of children young enough to reasonably still believe in Santa Claus, Seans out there mugging for brainwashed idiots who think Hillary Clinton runs a pedophile ring out of a pizza joint. Oh, and they vote.
Aside from testifying that there was enough quid pro quo for six seasons and movie, Vindman also mentioned that the so-called transcript President Crotchvoid released was edited, and the full version did indeed, as we have long suspected, contain even MORE evidence n crimez n Burger King ketchup stains. They also cut a 10-minute long segment where Littlefinger demanded to know where Zelensky was hiding the giant Transformer robots, because hed stayed up late watching cartoons, and he was terrified the limo he rides around in to avoid contact with the peasants would turn into a robot dude while he was still inside.
Oh, and a Shart House lawyer responded to various hey, maybe the President shouldnt be running our foreign policy like an extortion racket complaints by hiding the Zelensky call on a private server and telling Vindman snitches get stitches, so keep yer mouth shut, probably out of abundant caution that the American people simply couldnt handle the blinding purity of such a perfect call.
Another witness, fellah by the name of Tim Morrison, says yes there was quid pro quo, but he personally thinks it wasnt illegal. Now, thats not really up to Tim, and hes 31 flavors of wrong, but its good enough for Gym Jordan and his gang of feral enablers.
Much to my surprise, Devin Nunes staff isnt made up solely of pigs hes fucking; theres also Kashyap Patel, who gained Sharty McFlys ear on Ukraine policy not by being, as he represented himself, an experienced Ukraine expert, but because he told the doddering old twit exactly what he wanted to hear. Suddenly, Im thinking of breaking away from a White House tour, sneaking into the Oval, telling him Im the Ghost of Xmas Future, and that if he resigns, Ivanka will finally fuck him.
And House Democrats voted on rules for the coming Impeachment Hearings and Treasonous Twatwaffle Dunk Tank Faire, including public hearings, to the chagrin of Republicans, who had been demanding....um...clearly-stated rules and public hearings. Its not only wanting to have your cake and eat it, too, but also demanding pie, and Skittles, and Beef Wellington, and a pony, and by the way how dare you suggest I ever asked for cake? Look, Republican voters dont WANT representatives who behave rationally, and we should just accept that.
Needless to say, the Cruise Ship Magician Goalpost Sleight of Hand continues, because Republicans know theyre utterly fucked on the facts of the case. The play seems to be none of the testimony given so far counts, and we must throw it all out because...look, because we really really want to. Its almost adorable, in a wannabe-fascist kinda way, like Care Bears with little Hitler mustaches.
So the NCAA announced some fairly mild rule changes, finally allowing student athletes to profit from their own names, images, and likenesses, and North Carolina Senator Richard Burrs version of a Spidey Sense, which tingles whenever any minority-heavy group (like, say, college athletes) threatens to break through the barriers of institutional white supremacy to achieve financial independence, went off. Dickie wont lift a finger to shut down the concentration camps, but hes right on top of this under-taxed non-white young people problem suddenly plaguing the nation.
I almost hesitate to bring this up, its so Normal and Ordinary, but the Missouri state health director, a Republican appointee (as if you need to be told that), keeps himself a little spreadsheet, tracking the menstrual periods of patients at the Show-Me States last remaining Planned Parenthood clinic. Yup. Typical, boring, everyday stuff. Why, I bet you checked the Menstrual-Cycles-of-Women-Ive-Never-Met app on your phone six or seven times just since you started reading this blog post.
The annual growth rate reported for the third quarter was only 1.9%, well below the Velveeta Vulgarians grandiose promises. While were on that little topic, we should mention that hes also breaking other promises, for example to lower prescription drug prices, and to support popular, common-sense, gun control measures. Im sure well get a check from Mexico for that wall any day now, though.
Turns out Republican political operatives, potentially all the way up to the NRCC, were involved in the plot to destroy Congresswoman Katie Hills career with revenge porn provided by her dirtbag loser ex. Obviously the only missing ingredient in this sordid turd-and-tapeworm stew was little Georgie Papaderpaderp, whose delusions of adequacy are apparently pushing him towards running for Hills seat.
...I guess its nice to have some comic relief on the schedue, if only to break up the monotony of incompetence and atrocity. Speaking of which, Roger Stones trial starts next week. Heh.
Did you see where there are now 400,000 more uninsured children in the U.S. than there were when Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot first took office? See, this is what the Republican Party is REALLY all about: if you filthy taker plebe kids wanted health insurance, you shouldve had the good sense to pop out of some rich ladys vagina, sucks to be you, stop breathing all the job-creators air, now that were thinking about it get a job you bum, no we wont pay a living wage, well just under-compensate you while we steal the best years of your life and once your labor isnt useful to our donor class anymore, piss on ya, please have the decency to die quickly, quietly, and somewhere out of sight.
With stats like these, you understand why Donnie Dotard has resorted to outright lying about the monthly jobs numbers, dont you?
Michele Bachmann says, of her Turd Emperor, We have not seen a president with greater moral clarity than this president. I mean, you see where shes coming from. Lincoln freed the slaves, but only Trump could charge the Secret Service to pee. I guess those hundreds of thousands of uninsured kids and all the newly-released ISIS prisoners are aspects of all that moral clarity. Ok, obviously Im not really arguing in good faith here, I think we all understand that what Michele means is Donald Trump is a faux evangelical white supremacist, and as a faux evangelical white supremacist, I like that.
Speaking of white supremacists (smooth, if tragic, segue, Cap) the VeryFine Administration has apparently been flirting with an elaborate, Rube Goldberg, bit of procedural Twister to install MegaRacist Scrotum Rash Ken Cuccinelli (who you may remember as the guy who yelled at the Statue of Liberty for not being hateful enough) as Acting DHS Secretary. It would be awesome if Senate Republicans opposed the Cooch because hes a hate-driven racist monster, but if they want to keep him away from immense political power mostly because he's also a great big doo-doo-headed jerk, well, Ill take my victories where I can find em these days.
Theres a fun little article in Politico about how Fat Q*Bert gets to bribe Republican Senators, aka His Impeachment Jury, by tapping his Rube Army for that sweet, sweet, campaign donation cash. What a great system weve got here, huh?
So, the personal attorney to the President of the United States, while serving as his cybersecurity advisor, apparently, as recently as 2017, had to go the Apple Store because he locked his befuddled ass out of his own fucking iPhone. Also, he fucked his cousin. Anyway, something something something The Best People.
While were laughing at major conservative figures over mistakes that would make them the laughingstock of any fourth grade playground, lets point and giggle at Ann Coulter, for her snarling, imperious, insistence that the good people of Hawaii have such shitty judgement that they made Tulsi Fucking Gabbard a U.S. Senator*. Have you ever noticed that white supremacists tend to be kinda...subpar?
Hey, welcome to the Resistance, Mike Pompeo! The State Department, after some empty posturing about refusing to cooperate, will indeed be turning over documents relating to Cousin Rudys Excellent Ukrainian Ratfucking Adventure and other bits of potential diplomatic shitbaggery. No word at this time if this document dump will include text messages between career officials asking WHAT THE LIVING SHIT IS THIS COUSIN-FUCKING MORON DOING?!?!? or not.
The Republican Party of Minnesota isnt like those other cowardly state GOPs, cancelling their 2020 primaries just to placate their Turd Emperors fragile ego, oh no! Theyre having a primary, theyre just not allowing any other names on the ballot. Quake in terror of the mighty Mark Sanford, kids!
Alaska GOP Congressweirdo Don Young wasnt in the mood to answer questions today, so he just head-butted a journalists camera instead. Just thought Id mention that.
Well, Baron Golfin von Fatfuk is packing up the entire Crook Family Robinshart and movin down to sunny Florida! Smarter folks than yer humble drunken blogger speculate the move is designed to dodge even more taxes, because wheres the fun in bilking the U.S. treasury out of millions of dollars if youve just got to turn around and give some of it back? And of course this is just one more desperate contortion to keep those naughty tax returns out of sight; the mans piss hooker budget must be truly obscene.
Republicans may not mind that President Gas Station Urinal Cake is holding the door open for every foreign nation and probably a few alien planets (Hey Venusians! Got any dirt on Hunter Biden?) to interfere in American elections, but boy howdy, theyre pissed off that Congresswoman Katie Porter dressed up as Batgirl for Halloween. Personally Id like a written list of conservative priorities, in order. Does superhero costume fall somewhere between tan suit and open treason, or is it a more serious offense, like use private e-mail unless youre Trumps children. Or Wilbur Ross. Or Stephen Miller. Or Reince Priebus. Or fuck it, Ive got to end this paragraph sometime, but you get the picture.
But slow your roll, Resisters! The Very Stable Genius has outmaneuvered us once again, and the impeachment battle is over before it even begins! Yes, with his brilliant plan to address the American people directly, and read the (doctored) transcript of his call with President Zelensky in a sort of fireside chat, hes simply got us outflanked, with his sublime confess over and over again strategy.
Hey friends, the ACAs open enrollment period started today. The Die Serfs Die Administration has slashed, and re-slashed, outreach funding, because they dont want Americans to have the health insurance theyre legally entitled to (yeah, I think its weird, too), so weve gotta step up and fill that void. Use your platform, however humble, to spread the word!
Fuck, Im worn out. To make matters worse, the internet went down in my apartment this afternoon, so I wrote this at a Starbucks, where they dont sell, or it turns out, even ALLOW beer. Whose stupid motherfucking idea was THAT?
*Ok, so there arent a lot of playgrounds where you get bullied for insufficient knowledge of the makeup of the U.S. Senate, BUT MAYBE THERE SHOULD BE.
greatauntoftriplets
(175,729 posts)Pro tip: Never hire him for any of your legal needs.
Hermit-The-Prog
(33,255 posts)GOPers:
Gothmog
(144,921 posts)Lugnut
(9,791 posts)treestar
(82,383 posts)tblue37
(65,227 posts)babydollhead
(2,231 posts)ismnotwasm
(41,966 posts)Hugin
(33,052 posts)Which, I picked up at a yard sale. (Don't ask. What happens at a yard sale, stays at the yard sale.)
Now, logically, anything one can produce a liqueur* with can also be used to produce a beer. So, the lack of a coffee beer at Starbucks must be some sort of an oversight on their part. Starbucks undoubtedly has coffee infused cement mix and baby formula available. Why no beer?
Oh, well... A question for the ages.
Anyhow, thanks for all those you have and will inspire with your insights and colorful rhetoric, Mr Cap.
* I'm so very proud of myself for correctly spelling "liqueur" without the assistance of Google, spell check, or yelling out, "Hey, how the hell do you spell, 'liqueur'?". This event probably represents the pinnacle of achievement in my pathetic life. It brings a tear to my weary eyes. :sniff: I'm so happy.
voteearlyvoteoften
(1,716 posts)Knr SC 👻