News in Brief Sweating, Grunting Mike Pence Straining To Rapture Himself Before Impeachment Inquiry
WASHINGTON—Gritting his teeth as his face reddened with effort, Vice President Mike Pence was reportedly straining to rapture himself Thursday before the impeachment inquiry into President Trump could proceed any further. “You can do this, just think pious thoughts and you’ll be halfway to Heaven long before they can uncover anything else,” said Pence, tightly clenching his hands in prayer while bobbing up and down on the balls of his feet in a reported attempt to jump-start the salvation process. “Okay, here we go. I’m going to close my eyes, and when I open them, I’ll be bathed in a glorious white light and begin floating up in the air—far, far away from Congress and any accusations about knowledge of a quid pro quo. Just take a deep breath and relax. Nope. That’s not it. Hmm...maybe if I get all the way on my tiptoes?” At press time, Pence reportedly muttered that he was “so, so close” to getting raptured after removing all his clothes and jumping off his chimney.
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