General Discussion
Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsIf Paul Simon Wrote a Song About GOP Senators, It Would Be "53 Ways to Fail Your Country" (Ferret)
Hey everybody, I almost hate to interrupt whatever filthy, steamy, sex fantasies yall are no doubt having about Adam Schiff right this very minute, but I figured we should round up the news real quick before disappearing back into his righteous embrace...ohhhhhh Adam, youre so...thorough, oh...Um. Excuse me. Anyway, the blog:
(You want the blog with the links? Click here: http://showercapblog.com/if-paul-simon-wrote-a-song-about-gop-senators-it-would-be-53-ways-to-fail-your-country/)
The thirty-four American service members diagnosed with traumatic brain injuries in the aftermath of Irans recent missile strikes will no doubt be pleased to learn from their draft-dodging Commander-in-Chief that their injuries are sissy, girly, injuries that do not count, so please keep it down about the whole lifetime of pain and other challenges thing youre facing. For a dude who lacks the courage to so much as sit for an interview with a real journalist outside the right wing dumbassosphere, the Bonespur Buttplug demonstrates unseemly confidence in judging the Americans who risk their lives defending his right to golf every weekend at taxpayer expense.
At Davos, during a break from being ignored by people who dont have to lie about their wealth, the Candycorn Skidmark confessed to, and even bragged about, obstructing Congress, which is of course one of the very articles of impeachment against his treasonous ass. This shit must drive legitimate criminal masterminds nuts, yknow? Imagine you spent months pulling off the perfect, brilliant, heist, some real Steven Soderbergh shit, but you cant ever tell anybody how you did it, while this mushbrained dolt gets to strut around, squawking, We have all the material cuz I didnt turn it over ME AM SO SMRT just because he has 53 pet Senators.
Perhaps worried that the three-day-long, televised, deep dive into his many crimes would render him TOO popular, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot decided, unprompted, to remind America that, like a childrens cereal mascot who cant wait for the poors to just die off already, hes just Cuckoo for Entitlement Cuts. In the end, for all his flaws, I have to concede that Donald Trump is perhaps the most effective anti-Trump messenger available to the Resistance.
Tulsi Gabbard continued her pursuit of her bizarre What if Youre Kind of a Democrat But You Hate Democrats and Also Luv Dictators brand (its kinda like Goop, but angry), announcing a big ol frivolous lawsuit targeting Hillary Clinton. Really looking forward to regular updates on this case on the Tucker Carlson White Power Hour.
And then there was the whole impeachment trial thing, I suppose I should mention that. Democratic impeachment managers made you proud to be an American, and prouder still to be part of the sole major American political party that still believes in honesty, decency, the rule of law, constitutional separation of powers, and Im pretty sure I heard Mike Pence say Apple pie sucks the other day. Shit, next to the shrieking mendacity of the likes of Pat Cipollone and Gym Jordan, just the competence is fucking inspirational, and you cant help but appreciate the work our team has put into laying out their case, clearly and concisely.
Of course, Senate Republicans are awfully pissy that they have to sit through all this meddlesome evidence and proof of their shameful complicity, because itll undermine their ability to go on pretending theyve been too busy to keep up with the biggest political scandal of their lifetimes. Of course, I was asleep when that particular damning bit of evidence was mentioned, remains a viable copout, along with I was in the cloakroom, and I was flat out reading a fuckin book instead. Ah, if only there had been fidget spinners in the days of Ancient Rome, Nero wouldnt have needed to learn to fiddle.
Historians will mark this as the week when the Most Susan Collins Thing Ever occurred. In the middle of the the impeachment trial, Susan heard something from Democratic impeachment manager Jerry Nadler that shook her to her useless, pearl-clutching, core; no, it wasnt any of the evidence of Hairplug Himmlers crimes or betrayals, it was that Nadler was a big ol meaniepants in pointing out the Senate GOP is assisting the Trump Administrations coverup JUST BECAUSE the Senate GOP is assisting the Trump Administrations coverup. And so she tattled to Chief Justice John Roberts. Leave it to Susan Fucking Collins to haughtily whinge about decorum while her party conspires to end democracy in America. Sara Gideons first term cant start soon enough.
One excuse, pardon me, one argument Republicans are taking out for a test spin is that the Shart House will simply invoke executive privilege if witnesses are called, potentially drawing out the trial for months, when theyd really much rather get back to the important work of ignoring the hundreds of bills Nancy Pelosi and the House have sent them. Its a bullshit argument, of course, but I suppose they cant quite bring themselves to utter the real truth out loud, but wouldnt it be something to watch, say, Josh Hawley sneeringly proclaim, Yeah, were letting it all ride on our brainwashed rube base! Were hopin to squeeze at least one more term out of the dying gasps of white supremacy! Shit, Fux Nooz isnt even broadcasting the trial, we can say whatever the fuck we want and theyll still love us and hate you! Nothing matters! BYE!
Lindsey Graham doesnt want any additional witnesses at the impeachment trial, instead preferring a quick acquittal, even* in the face of overwhelming evidence of Dorito Mussolinis guilt. What he DOES want is an official government investigation into the Presidents political rivals, based on widely-debunked conspiracy theories. This is because Lindsey Graham is a fascist, working to destroy our Constitutional democracy in order to ensure his party stays permanently in power, whatever the will of the people. Jokes will return in the following paragraph, this one is just for ugly, horrifying, truths.
Marsha Blackburn, who has become a United States Senator despite a career more or less indistinguishable from That One Guy Who Sets Up a Microphone on Campus to Scream at Everyone Who Walks By That Theyre Going to Hell, embraced some casually fascist tactics of her own, impugning the patriotism of Purple Heart recipient and impeachment witness Alexander Vindman. I suppose there are two ways of looking at this; either you believe America is America, or you believe America is a dirtbag game show host who stole money from charity to buy an ugly-ass painting of himself. There. Both sides. Chuck Todd would be proud.
Word is, the Treasonweasel Administration has threatened the already thoroughly-cowed Senate GOP Caucus to continue enabling the Emperor of Hemorrhoids every criminal whim, or your head will be on a pike. Whatever. Not like theres anything worth preserving in those 53 empty craniums.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchbag became the latest prominent conservative goon to slip a quarter in the self-owning machine we call Picking a Fight with Greta Thunberg, demanding the teenager procure an economics degree before bothering bought-and-paid-for climate deniers like himself with her pesky facts. Yes, this is the same Steve Mnuchin who thinks the Trump tax cuts paid for themselves, and that his horrible wife didnt marry him for his money.
Huge embarrassment in Shartopia today, as a heretofore unknown recording of Donnie Two-Scoops failed Sopranos audition surfaced, and boy, is it ev-excuse me, what? The tape is actually real, and it captures the President telling Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, Take her out, apparently referencing Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch? ZOUNDS.
The more charitable voices in the news interpret this as a command to fire Yovanovitch, which might make sense if he gave it to whichever sycophantic peon happened to be acting chief of staff at the moment, rather than a room full of cheap thugs, many of whom are currently facing some rather significant criminal charges. Shit, even Mulvaney would need further clarification. Get rid of her? Like, GET RID OF HER get rid of her?
Upon hearing of this new bit of documented thuggery, John Yes, Wyoming gets two Senators even though we have fewer voters than Coachella has hipsters Barrasso, shrugged, There will be new evidence every day. There will something new that comes out every day, as though this was a reason to dismiss the charges against the Offal in the Oval, rather than investigate further. Theres SO much evidence of criminal wrongdoing we should let the man get on with his crimes, is the idea. It seems. This is real life, folks. I know it feels sometimes like were trapped in a nightmare George Orwell is having after losing a spicy-hot-wings-eating contest, but its real fuckin life.
Seems Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo does not enjoy the press, with all their uppity demands for answers to questions and accountability, as demonstrated by the petulant tantrum he threw at an NPR reporter. To me, Mike is the scariest member of the entire Turd Reich; no, hes not as wily or effective as Bill Barr, but he possesses the zealots conviction that God will stay on his side through whatever atrocities he may perpetrate, and is, if anything, a little irritated with him for holding back up to this point. Look in his eyes when hes facing the press; this is a man fantasizing about camps and gallows.
And now I see the Velveeta Vulgarian literally stole the fucking Starfleet insignia from Star Trek as the logo for his idiotic Space Force, and we really need to get rid of this clown before he starts appointing Ninja Turtles to the cabinet.
Alright, everybody, thats what I got. Steer clear of exotic new viruses this weekend! Oh, and please donate to the Kickstarter (https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/the-worth-and-the-cost )for my very first comic book! All the cool Resisters are doing it, yknow!
*especially
littlemissmartypants
(22,691 posts)Gothmog
(145,291 posts)Lugnut
(9,791 posts)DFW
(54,403 posts)The Congressman (to the tune of The Boxer) by Paul Simon
Im a pampered rich boy
So my storys often told
Dad bought my seat in Congress
Through a campaign full of nonsense such are promises,
All lies and jests
But the voters hear the parts they like
And disregard the rest, Hmm-mm-mmm
When I left my home for Washington
I left both of my twin boys
In the company of strangers
Two nannies with pierced noses kept them running scared
Wouldnt you? They would go flag down police cars,
Telling tales that are not true
Doing just the thing most Congresspeople do:
Lie lie LIE, lie lie lie lie lie lie lie,
Lie lie LIE, lie lie LIE lie lie lie LIE lie lie lie lie LIEEEE
I go begging down on K Street
To finance my next campaign,
But I get no offers,
Just a hint to spend some more time with my family.
I do declare, there were times when I was so hard up,
Ive spent my weekends there
Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie lie
Then Im laying out my bathing suits
And wishing I was gone
Mexico!
Where the CNN reporters arent seeking me
Seeking meeeeeeeeee, Mexico!
In D.C. there stands a Congressman,
Politician by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of evry contribution and
Cash hand-out, and golf junket
Til he boards his private plane,
I am leaving, I am leaving,
I R S, I feel your pain!
Lie lie LIE lie lie lie lie LIE lie lie lie LIE
Lie lie LIE! Lie lie LIE lie lie lie lie!
Lie lie LIE! Lie lie LIE lie lie lie lie LIE lie lie lie lie LIE!
UpInArms
(51,284 posts)The mobster in chiefs cult followers never cease to amaze me.
voteearlyvoteoften
(1,716 posts)I too heard Mike Pence hates apple pie 🥧
Hugin
(33,155 posts)Deep. Poignant, yet, approachable. I like it. I've been struggling with a new angle on the Retro Fascist 1930s Italian Roman Renaissance monikers for Old Yeller. Il Douche was starting to fall flat.
"Emperor of Hemorrhoids", deserves an honorable mention.
Thanks!
Also, thanks for being there through all of this, Cap. I'm happy you're finally getting to do something for yourself.
Get plenty of vitamin C and I can't stress vagus nerve care enough. Be sure to take a moment for loving-kindness meditation. (LKM)
Mc Mike
(9,114 posts)crickets
(25,981 posts)"ohhhhhh Adam, you're so...thorough" is going to have me bursting into giggles all danged day, so thanks for that.