General Discussion

TheFerret

(631 posts) Mon Mar 2, 2020, 11:12 PM Mar 2020

Cap's Back! Did I Miss Anything? Is Shit Still Cray? Do You Have the Coronavirus Yet? (Ferret/SC)

Well, as y’all know, I had to step away from the ol’ blog for a few days, due to personal life concerns that swung from the life-changingly awesome to the heartbreakingly tragic. I’m back now, and as expected, my metaphorical desk is all but invisible beneath a ten-ton pile of rhinoceros shit, so grab a shovel and help me dig it out, wouldja?

(And yes, you can find this post, with all those nifty news links, at: http://showercapblog.com/caps-back-did-i-miss-anything-is-shit-still-cray-do-you-have-the-coronavirus-yet/)

So I guess the Shart House has been workin’ up a “deep state hit list,” of the insufficiently bow-y and scrape-y, led by absolutely batshit right-wing activist Ginni Thomas, seeking to replace competent, experienced, career officials with spittle-drenched maniacs like David Clarke and Dan Bongino. I suppose ideally, you’d like both ability and loyalty, but when your movement is based on white resentment and know-nothingism, I imagine the resumes get a little thin, which is why they’re now staffing the executive branch with college kids.

Ah, and I see the Emperor of Herpes has demanded that Sonia Sotomayor and Ruth Bader Ginsburg recuse themselves from any SCOTUS cases involving his many autocratic assaults on the rule of law, because once upon a time, they were mean to him. Heh. Well, as my Daddy would say, “demand in one hand, shit in the other, see which one fills up faster.”

The big news, of course, has been the coronavirus, as the country has been forced to come to terms with the fact that President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster is infinitely less concerned about the mounting body count than with his precious, Rasmussen-inflated, approval ratings. Even last week’s massive stock market plunge is not processed as billions in wealth wiped out, or jobs lost, or retirements ruined, but as part of a vast global conspiracy to deny him the love he’s been desperately seeking since his father sent him to military school.

I confess, my money had been on Surprise Canadian Invasion, but I really should have considered the possibility of Narcissism Trumping Science, Readiness, and Basic Goddamn Common Sense During Global Pandemic as the great and inevitable Dotard fuckup that threatens all American lives.

We are well beyond the looking glass now, folks. We’ve motored past the nice parts of Shitty Wonderland, and we’re stumbling around the slums populated by the demonic hallucinations from Every Bad Trip Since Woodstock. We’re talking about the dipshits that’ve already tried to slash the funding and purge the expertise necessary to combat this threat, who’re now muzzling the remaining experts simply to placate the Manchurian Manchild’s frail ego. And it’s going to get people killed, as surely as if you’d wandered around medieval Europe littering the ground with rat treats.

The presidential fuckin’ pulpit, used to trumpet the message that a potentially deadly disease sweeping across the globe is a “hoax?” That the news media, in reporting critical information to the public, is somehow exaggerating the facts to harm him politically? Fuck, y’all, this isn’t just impeachment territory, it’s tackle-the-senile-old-fuck-and-lock-him-a-closet time. This isn’t lying about crowd size, folks, it’s much more dangerous.

I also see the Die Plebs Die Administration is trying to divert funding from programs that heat low-income Americans’ homes during winter to pay for the response to the very outbreak they’re assisting with denials and disinformation, and even resisting calls to make the eventual vaccine affordable. Folks, if we don’t beat these rat bastards this November, we’ll be battling gladiator-style in the arena for aspirin and cough syrup by 2023.

Yes, it turns out that a well-known sociopath makes for a less-than-ideal steward during a time of crisis, who’d have guessed? And, like, I understand that the GOP has devolved into a frothy cult of personality, and its elected officials live in perpetual trembling fear of being targeted by a nasty tweet (why anyone would want to be represented by such cowards escapes me, but that’s a topic for another day), but surely these clowns understand on some level that you can’t sweep a communicable fucking disease under the rug. You can muddy the waters with disinformation about Russian interference or the Ukraine scandal, but you can’t gaslight a person into believing they don’t have a disease once they catch it. Ok, maybe with a handful of Cult45ers you could, but until shitty red ball caps can cure this thing, you have to deal with the real world.

And friends, if I’m one of the poor bastards who winds up dying because this asshat believes he can lie his way out of global contagion, I am haunting the absolute shit out of him. I’m gonna be a goddamn poltergeist. If this blog suddenly disappears without warning, and you start seeing stories about Hairplug Himmler getting pelted with cat turds seemingly flung by an unseen hand, know that I am living my best afterlife.

Vice President Mike Pants, one of the rare American politicians to literally preside over an outbreak exacerbated by his own incompetence and hostility to basic science, has been appointed to head up the coronavirus response, because fucking of course he has. It’s like gutting your fire department, and, in the midst of a raging conflagration, looking to Mrs. O’Leary’s cow for guidance.

Mikey Hairshirt is taking his duties so seriously that he went on the Sunday Shoz to claim that Democrats are rooting for the virus to kill millions of Americans, because god knows stirring up division and hatred is more important than solving a problem worsened by your own blithering incompetence. Anyway, we should probably cancel that “Go Coronavirus Go” routine we worked out with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, just to be on the safe side.

If I were looking to invent something truly absurd about the Marmalade Shartcannon’s actions during the coronavirus crisis, I probably couldn’t do any better than “rather than coordinating the emergency response, the President of the United States met with d-list actors Dean Cain and Kristy Swanson to snicker about their trolly little wingnut stage play about Peter Strzok and Lisa Page,” and I must grudgingly admit I have been out-satired by reality yet again.

Anyway, I’m prouder than ever to be a Democrat, now that PROTECTING THE POPULACE FROM CONTAGIOUS DISEASES is apparently partisan. And I hope you’ll call your Congressfolk to pressure them to support my bill, which would mandate that the 52 craven Republican Enablers/Senators who kept this cud-brained psychopath in office in spite of the mountain of evidence of his unconstitutional crimes be sent to serve as nursing assistants in hospitals treating coronavirus patients.

Speaking of health issues, we learned that Dr. Ronny Jackson took time out of his busy schedule as an opioid Pez dispenser to sneak vegetables into his hamberder-gorging boss’ mashed potatoes, in an attempt to deceive him into eating healthier. Sources tell me carrots cut up into super-fun dinosaur shapes were also attempted, only to be rejected with a swat of those tiny, inadequate, hands.

The Treasonweasel Campaign announced a lawsuit against the New York Times, alleging libel, over an op-ed published in March, 2019. Terrifying play for anti-American authoritarianism, destined for humiliating failure in the courts? The Trump brand is, if nothing else, consistent, I’ll give them that.

There’s certainly been a lotta winnowing in the Democratic presidential primary since we last spoke, though I see Tulsi Gabbard is still hanging around, like a rash you probably shoulda gotten looked at by now. Just on a personal note, I’d like to thank Tom Steyer’s majestical whiteguy dancing to Back That Azz Up during a rally in South Carolina for providing literally the only smile I could muster on one of my life’s shittiest days.

And in Afghanistan, the Shart of the Deal demonstrated the keen negotiating prowess he is famous for, deftly conceding to every demand the Taliban had ever dreamed of, throwing in a waffle iron and year’s subscription to Better Homes and Gardens for good measure, in exchange for…fuck, I can’t even tell, presumably a series of ego-stroking personal compliments and a locally-crafted map of the 2016 Electoral College results, using traditional Pashtun techniques and materials. Naturally, the agreement is already in jeopardy, but Weehands McNodick is now an early frontrunner for the Nobel Capitulation Prize, which is exciting.

A federal judge ruled that Snarling Haterodent Ken Cuccinelli illegally immigrated to his post as acting U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services director, and therefore all policies he’s implemented are null and void, in addition to being shitty and racist, which we already knew. While it is always delightful to watch bad things happen to people as terrible as The KKKooch, let me propose that he has yet to get anything resembling what he actually deserves, and would not unless he were to, say, accidentally trap himself in a long-forgotten septic tank.

(I see now that Kenny is refusing to obey the court and vacate his post, which is…awfully fascist of him, and if anybody can actually make that septic tank thing happen, now’s the time.)

In maybe the weirdest coincidence in all of human history, the long-ago debunked overflowing-bucket-of-horseshit Hunter Biden/Burisma conspiracy theory, which had vanished from headlines the world o’er, made a stunning return following Joe Biden’s comeback victory in the South Carolina primary. I mean, what’re the odds, right? Anyway, I’m a cat guy at heart, but if I ever got a dog, I’d hope it could one day become as well-trained as Senator Ron Johnson.

Well, the All-New, Drunken-Preppy-Infused, Supreme Court will be hearing the latest ridiculous challenge to the Affordable Care Act, and while it would be incredibly cool to live in a world where we could all rest easy in the knowledge that such a patently absurd, obviously bad-faith, nutjob “lawsuit” would be laughed out of court by a sensible, honest, bipartisan, bench, we are instead trapped here in an apocalyptic hellscape where shameless partisan hacks like Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch get to decide whether or not the members of the serf class really count as fully human and therefore deserving of rights n’ life n’ health n’ shit. Can’t say I’m a fan.

Tonight’s post is, obviously, dedicated to my dearly-departed feline secretary, my small grey friend, Kitty. Over the years, she disrupted many a blog, in search of lap time and head scratches, but writing this first one without her just wasn’t the same. Thank you all for bearing with me during this difficult time. I haven’t yet had time to read all the messages of love and support y’all sent, but I’m totally bowled over by your kindness. Again, thank you.

Anyway, I’m quite certain I’ve missed a number of stories, great and small, but let’s just wink and pretend we’re more or less caught up now, and get back on schedule going forward. Thank you for your patience.