Why Are You Even Reading This, Instead of Dying For the Economy? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
When we tell the stories of these batguano-coated days to our grandchildren, the sudden appearance of murder hornets is when they’re gonna roll their eyes and tell us we’re full of shit. Fuck ‘em. They weren’t there. We had to live through all this crap:
(Hey, wouldn’t this post be cool with lots of nifty news links? Find it here: http://showercapblog.com/why-are-you-even-reading-this-instead-of-dying-for-the-economy/)
Many have pointed out that President Crotchvoid seldom expresses sympathy for the tens of thousands of American victims of the COVID-19/Golfin’ Thru February Team-up, but boy howdy he sure was delighted to see his murderous chum Kim Jong-un up and about after a rumored secret demise. If social distancing ends before the Shart’s much-anticipated firing, expect him to invite his lil’ buddy over to pose for a brand-new challenge coin, embracing tightly atop Otto Warmbier’s grave.
Crews are working around the clock, blast-cleaning the Lincoln Memorial in hopes of removing the stench of authoritarian propaganda, experimental hair tonic, and overcooked steak farts that persistently lingers following Tangerine Idi Amin’s sad little Fux Nooz “town hall” staged right at Honest Abe’s disapproving feet. Addressing a fearful nation amidst a crisis with no end in sight, the doddering old jackass whined that Lincoln had it good compared to poor, put-upon, Donald J. Trump (the J stands for Jeez, I Wish Somebody WOULD Treat Him Worse Than Lincoln JUST KIDDING, SECRET SERVICE), because accountability = assassination when you’re a narcissistic talking scrotum tumor.
Speaking of Lincoln, guess who’s under Orange Julius Caesar’s skin (having burrowed through half an inch’s worth of congealed spray-tan lotion to get there, ew) today? A conglomeration of Never-Trump Republicans calling themselves the Lincoln Project, that’s who! Their brutal new ad “Mourning in America,” (GET IT?) prompted a presidential meltdown the likes of which we haven’t seen since...well, since he told us all to chug Lysol a few days ago; times are strange. Anyway, it seems Dr. Dotard understands the Streisand Effect about as well as he does international trade, or the mysterious mechanics of the wily umbrella.
Possibly the single most ‘Murican thing ever occurred in Michigan, when a lady didn’t like it when a security guard at the Family Dollar said her daughter needed to wear a mask, and so she went home to fetch her family, who proceeded to shoot the guard to death. Fuck, that’s awful. Also it’s a perfect, bloody, metaphor for the way the deranged selfishness of a rage-filled minority with demented ideas about “freedom” is getting the rest of us killed.
The Turdmaggot Administration has banned Dr. Anthony Fauci and the other members of the coronavirus task force from testifying before the House, because they really think they can hide 70,000+ corpses under the rug in the guest room. Honestly, you almost can’t blame them for pursuing the Lie Until the Problem Goes Away strategy that’s served them so well these past three years, but this is getting embarrassing. Watching Jar-Jar assure us this whole COVID-19 thing is as good as whipped is like watching two fifth-graders in a trench coat trying to buy tickets for a Tarantino movie. (Incidentally, Kid Nepotism’s crappy hair metal cover band, Jared Kushner and the Inexperienced Volunteers, will be opening at Klan rallies ‘round the country, sooner than is probably safe!)
Operation: Coronavirus? What Coronavirus? continues on other fronts as well, with a giddy new stooge nominated to take over the principal deputy inspector general post at Health and Human Services from Christi A. Grimm, who mistakenly believed her job was to inform the American people of the truth about Sharty McFly’s failures rather than covering them up with scratch-n-sniff stickers. We’re about a week away from Eric n’ Junior breaking into hospitals to scrawl NUH-UH in crayon on all the death certificates.
Meanwhile, leaked documents reveal the Why Won’t Those Expendable Serfs Leave Me Alone to Golf in Peace Administration’s own models project 3,000 coronavirus deaths daily by June, on account of the whole “suicidal reopening of the economy” thing. The good news is, these clowns have found an alternate model that believes all deaths will magically stop by the end of next week, based on the world-renowned Just Making Shit Up school of epidemiology.
Chief Thuglomat Mike Pompeo says he has just oodles and oodles of proof that the coronavirus was concocted in a Chinese laboratory as part of a failed attempt to duplicate McDonald’s secret Big Mac sauce, only you can’t see the proof because he left it at his girlfriend’s house, you wouldn’t know her, she goes to another school and her parents are real strict so she isn’t allowed out much. Naturally, every other intelligence agency in the world disputes this, but hey, if we’ve got to destabilize the global order to keep the same 25% of the American electorate perpetually inflamed with racist hatred, so be it.
Meanwhile the Shart Administration keeps skipping international meetings to coordinate the global response to the pandemic, because it’s America’s turn to bring snacks, and Donnie Two-Scoops remains a cheapskate at heart. Also because he’d rather maintain his asinine Pin the Blame on the World Health Organization posturing than actually find a vaccine or a cure for this little bastard. Fuck, y’all, just once, ONCE during this shitshow, I would like the President to do something in the interest of the United States and her citizenry. Leave us a little mint on the pillow, SOMETHING.
Well, the GOP’s 2020 campaign strategy is coming into focus, and I confess, I’m curious to see how DIE FOR OUR DONORS looks on a shitty red ballcap. See, Republicans are tired of all you filthy takers, thinking your lives “have value” or “mean something.” You disposable peons are failing in your duties as profit centers for the über-wealthy! You’re not out there working for barely-livable wages, you’re not buying shit, and now you’re saying you deserve bailouts more than our precious corporations? Hell to tha no, peasants! Like they say in The Shawshank Redemption, “Get busy dying!”
Yes, failing to understand that the sole reason they haven’t been dragged into the street by angry mobs is that our side is too smart to gather in crowds right now, the Republican Party has decided to lean into their Turd Emperor’s catastrophic failures, embracing a controversial I Mean Yeah There Are Things We Could Do To Save Lives, But They’re Hard And We Don’t Wanna strategy to “fighting” the coronavirus. Chris Christie, for example, demands Americans accept massive numbers of non-Chris Christie deaths. And Hairplug Himmler himself, a man who is afraid of stairs, tells us we need to be “warriors,” willing to lay down our lives that he may be reelected, and enjoy the sweet, sweet, legal immunity of his office for four more years.
...it ain’t exactly the St. Crispin’s Day speech, y’know? No, like the overwhelming majority of Americans, I do believe I shall remain snug in my thoroughly-disinfected apartment for the time being, thank you very much.
For his Senate confirmation hearing as DNI, Rabid Froth Fountain John Ratcliffe cosplayed a normal human being and promised he’d be a very good boy and not at all a willing accomplice in Dorito Mussolini’s ongoing quest to decimate American democracy for personal profit. (I was particularly impressed that John-John got through the whole session without flinging a single fistful of his own poo at the wall; as his previous performances on the other side of congressional hearings demonstrate, such restraint is difficult for him.) You creeps can’t fool us with this shit; we remember William Barr. One day he’s all, “the rule of law is super rad and I am all for it!” but once he’s in office, it’s more, “the Constitution clearly states that we’re allowed to imprison migrant children in your basement if you voted for Hillary.”
Anyway, fantastic news broke while I was drafting this piece: the coronavirus is winding down! Man, I can’t wait to go to restaurants and movie theatres and clown orgies and coffee sh-hang on, I think I may’ve read that wrong. Yes. I see my mistake. It’s the coronavirus TASK FORCE that’s winding down. The one operating out of the White House. Like, the official government response team. To the pandemic. Um.
Full disclosure, I have no government experience, I lost the only election I ever stood for*, but this seems kinda like throwing the parachutes out the window two minutes after the plane runs out of fuel, like getting your foot caught in a bear trap and gnawing off your hands, like some third thing I’m too drunk to come up with right now. Basically it’s really fucking stupid, is my point.
Fuck. And people wonder why I drink. I mean, people don’t actually wonder why I drink, I was just trying to transition into the last paragraph. And hey look, it worked, here we are. Stay safe out there, Resisters, can’t have ya gettin’ sick, we need every vote come November!
*Vice President of the high school drama club. It was close, but I refused to pander and become a puppet of Big Improv.
= new reply since forum marked as read
That last paragraph killed me.
Here’s something my wife pointed out to me:
Trump killed the task force because there’s no other excuse for him not to show there any more.
https://www.democraticunderground.com/100213396420
"Big Improv" 
Thank goodness for you TheFerret.
Another superb ode to sanity! Thank you so very much!
