'I have cried. I have begged. I have yelled': Couples clash over COVID-19

[SharonClark]

by Alia E. Dastagir USA TODAY

Patricia Rust is doing everything she can to stay safe during the pandemic. Her husband, however, is not.

Rust, 68, a retired attorney in Clarksville, Tennessee, is militant about mask-wearing and social distancing. But she says her 71-year-old husband believes COVID is no worse than the flu, often refuses to wear a mask and frequently socializes in large groups.

"We just had a fight the other night where I said, 'That's it, we're going to get divorced. I need to stay safe and you refuse to allow me to be safe or feel safe in my own home,'" Rust said. "I have pleaded. I have cried. I have begged. I have yelled. And he refuses to listen to anything I say."

More at source: https://www.desmoinesregister.com/story/news/health/2021/01/29/women-take-covid-19-more-seriously-and-relationships-suffering/4314111001/

[NurseJackie]

1. Good for her! This is more than toxic. He's threatening her life.

[sheshe2]

11. Exactly.

Shows you just what he feels about her.

[Raster]

2. Divorce the cruel, insensitive, and STUPID bastard...

...Your parting words should be: Enjoy Your Ventilator!

[smirkymonkey]

9. That would be my advice.

What a selfish jerk!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

3. His behavior is just plain wrong. Divorce is the answer, this time. n/t

[The empressof all]

4. Wow I feel for her

My husband was just notified he needs to return to the classroom on Feb 8th. He has been teaching on line exclusively. He will wear a mask but he is not as strident in keeping distance or mask safety as I am. In addition he teaches special ed so it requires more direct contact with the kids at time. Also I'm not quite so sure of the other teachers he works directly with who do socialize and interact with extended family in large groups. His school has had only half time two day a week classes for special ed only since Sept. and just in the last two weeks they have had two covid cases. There have been about 50 people in the school. Now he is going back to a school with about 250 people and although he will be in his classroom and with a smaller group it still feels very unsafe to me.

[japple]

21. Try to get him to double-mask. Or try to find an N95 mask. Since he teaches special ed, maybe

he can find a funny, goofy mask to wear that his students will like. He could make a game out of it (Goofy mask and sock puppets on each hand.) There are opportunities for him to help his students understand about masks.

[HUAJIAO]

22. ULINE has N 95 masks.. couple bucks each.

[tenderfoot]

52. ULINE?

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/06/07/us/politics/liz-dick-uihlein-republican-donors.html

[HUAJIAO]

53. yeah, I found out........

Medco has MAKRITE SAKURA N95 masks CDC approved...

[The empressof all]

28. Yes, That's the plan

Since these kids have multiple challenges the School requires masking and shields as well as paper gowns. I did purchase some high grade paper masks as well as KN95s. I believe he will wear them but he gets distracted and I can't count on him remembering to take PPE off properly. I'm also concerned about him letting his guard down when not with the kids and engaging with other staff I'm over 65 and medically compromised. We have been very safe since last March. He walks the dog daily, get groceries delivered and haven't had in person contact with others inside since then. I also have some training in infectious disease control which makes me even more hyper vigilant and know that PPE/masking is not a guarantee of safety

I would feel so much better getting the vaccine and have been trying daily for many hours to get a slot for us both. It's been tough going.

[japple]

32. Best of luck to you on getting your vaccine. My sister & I just got our 1st one today.

The county hospital is owned by the Adventist Health Care System and has set up a vaccination clinic for over-65 every Friday. They are notifying by email all of the people who are 65+ in their system to register. The event today was extremely well organized, well staffed with professionals & volunteers, and they scheduled us for the follow-up vaccination on Feb. 19. It took about 20 min. No side effects so far.

[The empressof all]

35. Yes, I'm finding it a struggle

In my state there is no centralized appointment system so I need to go from location to location to find openings. We also have an extremely limited supply right now because I suspect because Trump hated our blue state and we are at the lower end of infection right now. IDK why for sure. I spend around three hours a day clicking around. Hopefully things will be better next week. I heard there may be appointments opening up about 60 miles away from me tomorrow at 8 am. I'll be up trying to get appointment.

[japple]

37. I can't believe it. I live in Georgia and there are many at-risk people that haven't been able

to get vaccinated. I see posts on FB from friends who have gotten one of the available vaccines that say they are so glad that they could get their "vaccine of choice." Hell, I didn't ask which vaccine it was, esp. since it was being delivered by the local hospital. And the location was at a large Baptist church in my community! I was afraid that I would be struck by lightning when I went inside but it was peaceful, calm, and worked like a well-oiled machine. The only hitch was the fellow in a Bernie jacket sitting on a folding chair (minus mittens) outside the event who approached us as we exited and gave information about their upcoming revival! Bless his heart.

[The empressof all]

43. I just randomly got appointments for me and my husband for tomorrow

I've been spending 6 hours a day trying to get an appointment and was happy to get one a month out. I randomly clicked on a site 30 miles away and they had a few appointments tomorrow. I quickly registered both of us and tried to get one for a friend but they were gone in a blink.

[japple]

44. That's great! Persistence pays off.

I haven't noticed any side effects except a sore arm. And it isn't nearly as sore as my arm got after my seasonal flu shot.

[shanti]

50. Are you in California?

Sacramento County just opened a 'list' for us 65 and older, so I added my name. Like you, I've be obsessively searching for the vaccine. Crossing my fingers!

[The empressof all]

51. No...I'm in Washington State...

My guess is that they aren't sure how many shots are going to be available until the last minute and since they need special refrigeration the mobile drive through sites are opening slots the night before. I booked our slots around 4 on Friday afternoon. They had about 200 shots available and slots were gone in 15 minutes. I booked myself and my husband and went back on to grab one for a friend and they were gone in a blink. The whole process of having to go from location to location to find an appointment is really stupid. You would think there would be an Ap for that....

Now I have to worry about booking an appointment for our second shots because they aren't booking those out yet.....Sigh

At least the process has started for us

Good luck and keep trying. I've heard some people have luck going in at midnight. I've also heard Monday and Tuesdays are the best times to look. IDK I spent almost 6 hours a day at random times looking. Join your local facebook groups especially if there is a Covid group. That's how I found mine. A kind person posted a link that my site opened up and I was on at the right time to get in on her link.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

5. If that's the only issue, maybe divorce is a bit extreme.

It seems like a temporary separation should be sufficient. Live apart for a while, until they, and most of the population, have had the covid vaccines. If the numbers of infected/hospitalized/deaths falls to near zero, as it should, they can discuss getting together again. This issue should resolve itself, probably within a year.

Of course, maybe there are other issues and this issue is the proxy for war. In that case ...

[Miguelito Loveless]

8. Extreme?

Death is extreme. He shows extreme disregard for his own health and that of his wife.

Divorce is hardly extreme in this instance. I cannot fathom putting my wife at risk in that manner.

[Gore1FL]

13. It's clear there is now a trust rift between them

When a relationship has that, it's over.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

14. Agree. But, I have a feeling there were issues before Jan 2020.

Some of this behavior seems like microagressions.

[drmeow]

45. I agree

I mean, even if you disagree with the need to wear a mask, what does it cost to do it for your spouse if your not wearing one clearly causes her distress?

[MLAA]

17. He was willing to put her very life at risk.

Divorce sounds about right to me. 🙂

[irisblue]

30. From the article....

Snip-"Rust, who has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, said she's been most hurt by what she views as her husband's indifference.

"If I tell him to pull up his mask I get the death stare and he will throw a tantrum by being rude the remainder of the day," she said. "We have been together since 1986. The part that hurts me the most is the lack of respect or concern he has for me."


Yeah I'm seeing a separation ahead for them..

[smirkymonkey]

38. Especially when he knows she is in a high-risk category.

How can he be so thoughtless and cruel? She needs to cut the cord. He clearly does not have any concern for her health or her life.

[Crunchy Frog]

40. Yeah, he's only threatening to kill her. Not such a big deal.

[Lars39]

6. She needs to kick his ass to the curb.

If he can't understand that she's trying to keep them both alive, and that he has responsibilities to to do the same, he's a lost cause.

[MLAA]

15. Agree. And if he wouldn't wear a mask just because it was so very important to her, he needs to go.

[marlakay]

7. Hubby and I had a few fights over it in the beginning

I also am more careful than he is, but I found a way, maybe a bit manipulative but it works. Every few days I read the current cases in our county and he sees them going up and up. I no longer have to worry and he is looking forward to his shots which will be months before me since I am 64.

[SWBTATTReg]

10. I believe you. And businesses too, have had to clash w/ regular customers and such, over the...

wearing of masks...last week, the owner of one place yelled and chewed out those that weren't wearing masks in their place of business to put their masks on (the area requires masks to be worn)...I was so happy that the owner did that. So many people out there don't seem to think anything is going on and thus, put others in harm's way.

Be safe all. If in doubt, wear the damn mask. It's far better to be safe than sorry.

What's the difference in the slogan, 'no shoes, no service' vs. 'no masks, no service'?

[Ms. Toad]

12. I was double-masking 24/7 for a while for similar reasons.

Both my spouse and my daughter interpred the need to wear masks as you don't need to around friends and family.

So my spouse was regularly in her sister's house & car (sister has a rabid anti-mask son, with whom she hangs out unmasked), and also went to eat with her office mate once a week, unmasked, at a restaurant.

My daughter was dealing with a homeless friend with mental illness (paranoid and thinks COVID is some sort of plot).

I read them both the riot act - and started wearing a mask at home that day - 24/7. Turns out my spouse was exposed by her office mate and my daughter was exposed by her friend's foster siblings within 24 hours of me reading them the riot act, so I started double masking.

As to my spouse - she promised, twice, to always wear a mask outside of the house - but when I questioned here she gaslighted me (I'm wearin a mask outside of the house . . . well I'm not wearing it in my office . . . and I'm not putting it on when I walk down to the hall to talk to my office mate . . . and, yes, we're going out to eat once a week. As to her sister - I'm wearing my mask . . . well, I'm wearing my mask until I get to the door . . . yes others of my siblings are there, but my sister isn't hanging out with her son . . . yes she is.

After we got past the 2-week quarantine, we had another heart to heart.

I told her that her behavior was putting my health at risk, and it wasn't fair to force me to wear a mask 24/7 so she could avoid wearing a mask for a couple of hours with her siblings. It probably helped that I was diagnosed with cancer right at the end of the 2-week quarantine. It shouldn't have taken the threat that I would be unable to be treated for cancer because I might have COVID and would be unable to have surgery for this aggressive tumor to get her to put up with a bit of emotional ans/or physical discomfort. But it did.

[deurbano]

24. Oh, geez. BEST wishes for a speedy recovery!

It sucks to have to deal with that anytime, but especially when everything else has gone to hell.

My (immediate) family has been more appropriately responsive to the current crisis than yours, but I still feel like I'm the one with the burden of trying to keep them all alive, and that I need to remind them constantly. I know they think I'm somewhat paranoid, but they also rely on me to be the family superego, and not just during a pandemic!

[Ms. Toad]

27. Three surgeries down -

skipping the radiation in order to preserve function in my right arm.

If it recurs, I'll lose function anyway because of the surgery - skipping radiation now probably doubles the risk of recurrence - from 10% to 20%. But no one really knows since it is a rare cancer. I found it on my own, after an earlier growth in that area suggested to me - but not to my doctors - that I was headed for cancer. I've been watching closely for 6 years. That's not likely to change, so if it comes back I'll probably find it pretty early. So I've decided to keep full functionality for now.

[deurbano]

34. Wow. Good for you on finding it on your own, and BEST wishes for no reoccurrence!

My older daughter had a rare lymphoma, and the treatment was brutal, but she is doing very well (knock on wood, knock on wood) seven years later.

[Ms. Toad]

36. Thanks!

It's been quite a saga. Starting with badgering the dermatologist to remove the first bump in 2014, then him refusing to ask the pathologist the questions I wanted answers to, which ultimately led to me watching carefully. (He was fired very quickly.)

The next one has humored me and removed regrowths from the first one 3 times (although they are calling this a new/different tumor, even though it is in the same place they have repeatedly operated - I'm not necessarily convinced it is distinct, but that doesn't really matter since I have not trusted this spot since 2014. ANYTHING that grows there is spotted immediately and taken out. Which is why I'm looking at ~90% chance of 5 year survival rather than 50%.

Hope your daughter continues to be NED.

[deurbano]

47. Thanks! My daughter's cough was first misdiagnosed as allergies. (As opposed to a tumor pressing

against her esophagus!) By this time I am used to doing my own follow up, though. When I was a teenaged, single mother, the pediatrician told me I was just an overanxious new mother when I thought this same daughter wasn't hitting developmental milestones. She turned out to have cerebral palsy, which includes a speech disability and quadriplegia. (But what did I know?) And then the pediatric neurologist who diagnosed her told me just to take her home and love her (in 1973, before early intervention was much of a thing), which I was already doing (so... thanks?), and another doctor told me that she would "never be able to do much of anything" (actually, he said it to his intern, but made sure I heard it, so I didn't develop false hopes, I guess)... and my daughter feels there was some ableism involved with that first cancer misdiagnosis, like the doctor at the UCSF clinic wasn't taking her seriously. (Though that also happened to me at the same clinic when they misdiagnosed my whooping cough as... allergies!)

Anyway, she exceeded their expectations a million times over because we listened to their advice and followed needed protocols, but like you, we didn't check our critical thinking skills at the door.

[Ms. Toad]

49. Boy do I know that story!

I was repeatedy accused of being an over-anxious mother when I reported my daughter's classic IBD symptoms to her doctor. Ultimately (skipping lots of infuriating visits), he handed me a phone book and wished me good luch in finding a gastroenterologist who would see her.

Within 2 weeks she was diagnosed. 13 years later she was diagnosed with a companion disease she might have escaped had her IBD been diagnosed when I started reporting it.

Doctors are notorious at dismissing syptoms when reported by (1) women (2) people with disabilities (3) children, (4) fat people, etc. Fortunately I'm not so easy to dismiss, after that first time with my daughter.

Advocacy for ourselves and our kids (and lots of research) is often the difference between life and death - and infliuences quality of life a lot.

[Cozmo]

16. Domestic Abuse Probably not the first of many other instances

[SlogginThroughIt]

18. If this is the case

If this is the case I am willing to bet it happens over more than just covid.

[58Sunliner]

19. That guy is an asshole.

[Karadeniz]

20. Husband doesn't love wife.

[hay rick]

29. Pretty obvious. Very sad.

[flying_wahini]

23. Send his ass down to the local ER. I'm sure they need volunteers to work with Covid patients,

No PPE for him, tho.

[ad121rome]

25. Respect

Marriage is a two way street but it starts with respect for one another. He is not showing any respect for her or her health. It’s time to go when he is careless and it might effect her too. You hate to predict what will happen but you can almost picture the outcome. Another word for it is bully.

[Liberty Belle]

31. I have a friend in the same situation. Her husband has become evangelical, goes to services,no mask

so she's terrified of getting COVID.

I've suggested she try to get him to counseling, but she says he wouldn't go. Then I said she should take her daughter and leave him, at least until the pandemic is over, but for some reason she won't.

Women also fear the financial insecurity of losing their home and perhaps not having a way to support themselves. Our area has a very expensive cost of living and you can't even rent a one-bedroom apartment with a low wage job. So she feels stuck.

In my own famliy we have a family member with memory issues who forgets to put on a mask when out in the front yard, getting exposed to whoever walks by. We fear she will give COVID to everyone. We've been trying to get her the vaccine but no luck so far. i'm her part-time caregiver.

My husband wears a mask usually but occasionally forgets or isn't careful enough; I'll find him standing right next to a repairman for instance, and i worry he may do the same with clients at work. His office is still open amid a pandemic as they are an essential business but not in an occupation on the list to get a vaccine yet. He's been exposed twice at work and we all had to quarantine.

My son, the most careful about wearing a mask, did get COVID probably at a grocery store since nobody he knows has had COVID; my husband and I both tested negative.

During quarantine we had disagreements on just how sequestered my son needed to be to keep us safe. We compromised on a few details and fortunately I managed not to get COVID, but I'm so tired of stressing about this.

[Evolve Dammit]

33. That really sucks. Over wearing a fucking mask. He has drunk the kool-aid and won't get it until he

"gets it." So sorry for the loss. Between Cult 45, anti-vaxxers, anti-maskers, climate deniers, racism deniers, gun fanatics hell-bent on killing Dems and libs, I think we're in very dangerous territory. Find some friends and best wishes.

[FSogol]

39. 1. Smother him in his sleep. 2. Blame on covid.

?????

[liberal_mama]

41. My husband has been awful during the entire pandemic

He constantly forgets to wear his mask and never washes his hands unless he's actually taking a shower. He coughs without covering his mouth. He's an essential worker who works 3 days a week and hangs out with his buddies on his 4 days off. I have lived in a state of terror for the last year. I am a diabetic who takes medication that compromises my immune system for lupus/RA/psoriasis. I sure know how the lady in the article feels.

[Raine]

42. Send him to a motel to stay till this thing passes

if he won't then she should and let him take on the expense of it.

[Skittles]

46. she's just now figuring out her husband is a selfish asshole?

alrighty then

[MustLoveBeagles]

48. That's sad

He is being selfish. I'm lucky that my spouse has taken this seriously from the beginning. He always masks up in public with no complains or whining.