One More Reason to Pre-Plan Your Funeral and to Consider Cremation

[MineralMan]

Last edited Wed Apr 28, 2021, 10:51 AM - Edit history (1)

Yesterday, I called a company that makes grave markers {they call them Memorials.} I've been putting off that chore for my parents, who both died on the same day at age 96. The one thing they insisted on was that they not be cremated, so I honored their wishes, of course. They had bought two adjacent gravesites in the only cemetery in the the town where they lived.

I had paid for the funeral home services and their burial in adjacent gravesites already. Even though I'd be reimbursed from their assets, I was still shocked at the cost, which was almost $16,000, even without a memorial service. My brother-in-law and I split the cost, and we have now been reimbursed. But, I hadn't ordered the flat grave marker for them yet, and the cemetery said to wait a while, since they couldn't install it for some weeks.

Anyhow, I finally called the memorial company. The cemetery has specific rules for those ground-level markers. they have to be exactly the size allowed by the cemetery, although materials are up to the bereaved family. So, I wrote up what I wanted on the shared marker and called. A very nice man with a British accent discussed the options with me. The company was in a nearby city, so they knew the size requirements for that cemetery, and my content for the marker was fine. Granite was what I wanted. The nice man asked me what color of granite I preferred. I asked him, "What do you have in stock in that size?" "Grey," he said. "Grey it is then."

I had no idea of the cost, really, even though I had looked on a couple of memorial companies, but pricing information is hard to find on their websites. I learned why that is when he quoted me a price of $2600 for the marker and installation at the cemetery. Outrageous, really, but what choice did I have, in the end?

We live as long as we can and then we die. There are no other options. When my wife's parents died, they were cremated, and both were buried at the Fort Snelling National Cemetery at no cost, since her father was a veteran. They had pre-arranged and paid a cremation society, so their children's out of pocket costs were very small. We could grieve without being burdened with heavy expenses on short notice.

My parents could also have been buried at a National Cemetery about 30 miles from where they lived at no cost, since my Dad was a WWII USAAF B-17 pilot, but they wanted to be buried in the town where they lived. My father never told me why he did not want cremation, and I did not press the point. The cost was really immaterial, since they had ample assets, but paying up-front, which is required by everyone in the funeral industry was very difficult for the family. I and my sister and brother-in-law had to max out some credit cards to cover the costs. As the estate's executor, I reimbursed us as soon as assets became available, but our credit scores tumbled immediately.

Sadly, the funeral, cemetery, and memorial industry has monopolized end of life expenses. I did not know the costs. Most people do not know the costs. Once a person is deceased, all of that falls on their families, at exactly the wrong time, unless arrangements had been made in advance. The funeral industry has people by the short hairs, starting immediately after someone dies. Options are few at that point.

So, you're still alive if you are reading this. Please make a plan. Consider cremation. Consider all other options and make arrangements that will relieve those who mourn you from all of the decision-making and from having to come up with the substantial amount of money to pay for your needs immediately after you die. Take care of this in advance of that need, please. Don't let the funeral industry dictate to your family after you are gone. They will have enough grief to deal with. Arranging and paying for funeral needs is far from what your family wants to be doing after you die.

[piddyprints]

1. Thank you.

We have done everything except for that. We both want to be cremated, no service, and ashes scattered somewhere. We have it in writing. We even chose the funeral home. But now it’s time to call them and make arrangements. We certainly don’t want to burden our loved ones when they’re already stressed and in grief.

[MineralMan]

9. I don't begrudge my parents for not doing the arrangements.

Not at all. In reality, the cost doesn't matter. It is more than covered by their assets. it was the immediate need to take care of everything that was troublesome. I spent the day they died talking to a funeral home and the cemetery. Both insisted that arrangements be made and paid for, even before the funeral home picked them up from the hospital and their home.

Worse, the cemetery could not immediately find a record of their ownership of the gravesites. It took me a couple of hours to find documentation of that. Naturally, by the time I found the documentation the cemetery found the records.

Other information that was required was even more difficult to come up with. What were my father's mother and father's full names? He never mentioned them. They were estranged. I had to call a niece, who is an avid genealogist, to find that information. At a time when the last thing I was thinking about was that kind of detail, I had to come up with it.

None of us are prepared to have such details at the tips of our tongues at such a time, but they are needed, apparently. I did not know that, or I would have assembled them in advance.

[AllyCat]

53. MM I am so sorry you have gone through this.

My mom died last month. We had a will, POAs before she died, and her assets less than the amount in her state of residence to go to probate. We have jumped through more hoops with everything in writing and STILL don’t have access to everything. She was not explicit about what she wanted. We figured it out after finding a piece of paper saying one cryptic thing about where she wanted to go. We opted for cremation and no service which was $600.

One thing we don’t know is the latest stimulus check. We are reading if the person was alive in 2020, they will get it. Still hasn’t come. Anyone know what that is about? We don’t need it but will give to her roommate who could really use the money now that she is gone.

[MineralMan]

66. Fortunately, my parents had receive the stimulus payment

before they died.

They used one bank account for all electronic deposits, like SS, etc. As soon as the SSA clawed back the payment for the month after they died, I had the bank lock that account down. So, their automatic bill payments ended. I contacted all of the places that were paid automatically and cancelled their accounts.

The estate's attorney is managing getting access to their bank accounts, which totaled more than California's limit without probate. The attorney, however, has found a way to push those assets into the family trust through a court order. The account numbers were named in the trust, but my father had never handed over the trust documents to the banks to put the accounts "in trust." However, because they were named in the trust documents, there's a way to force them into the trust and avoid probate. That's underway right now. It will take about 60 days, though, before a court order is issued. Meanwhile, the accounts are frozen. I could do that much myself. There's no reason that won't happen, according to the lawyer, since nobody will object to the action.

Of course, the attorney will bill for his services, as always. But, sometimes, you need an attorney. Fortunately, the trust's attorney lets me do his research for him and find examples of successful filings. That helps limit his billable hours, and he doesn't seem to mind too much. The extended family also trusts me to take care of all of the paperwork and hassle as the trustee and executor, so there are no disputes within the family. I keep everyone updated regularly on progress, and let them know when they need to do something or sign and return legal documents.

We're coming down to the last couple of things that must be handled with regard to the estate. Soon, everything will be done and all assets distributed. I'm trying to make it all painless for everyone in the family but me. So far, so good.

[AllyCat]

82. Thank you. Good info. Just weird how the stimulus was supposed to go to anyone alive through

2020 but she never got it.

[Farmer-Rick]

83. You can get a FREE grave marker or tombstone for your loved one if they served in the military.

I have Not posted here for a long time but wanted everyone to know you can get a FREE grave marker or tombstone from the VA if your loved one served in the military. Here is a link: https://www.va.gov/burials-memorials/memorial-items/headstones-markers-medallions/

You can place the marker in a civilian cemetery or a military cemetery. There are some size limitations. The loved one doesn't have to be a military retiree or disabled.

I got one for my uncle when he passed away. They had to re-do it 3 times to get it right but the tombstone company (That cost me only $80.00 to place the stone) was very kind and helpful.

Check the stone and if it is wrong or chipped, they will replace it for free....if your paperwork was right. One guy did a study of VA provided tombstones and found that 40% of them were wrong. So check them carefully.

Sorry the poster had to pay an outrageous price when they could have gotten a Free One.

[MineralMan]

84. That's true, and I checked into that.

Sadly, the cemetery where my father is buried has strict guidelines as to size, and none of the VA markers fit their specifications. I didn't get to choose the cemetery, since my parents owned sites in that one, and the cemetery will make no exceptions to their marker specification rules.

Of course, that cemetery also directs people to a specific memorial company when asked. Naturally, that company knows those dimensions and has granite slabs in stock that meet those specifications. I suspect there is some sort of kickback arrangement between the two.

However, here I am in Minnesota, making arrangements in California. And there it is. Fortunately, the cost is not really an issue in this case, and it's a double marker, anyhow. So, it will cost what it costs.

Who will see the marker, I wonder? My sister has advance Alzheimer's disease, so she won't. Her husband probably will, along with one grandchild of my parents who lives in the area. Otherwise, it will be seen only by those who visit other graves in that cemetery and recognize my parents' names. Personally, I have no plans to return to my home town. Maybe for my sister's funeral, but that's it, if she has one. Odds are she won't have a service, though.

The death industry is a racket. No question about it. Sadly, my parents made it clear what they wanted, and I'm honoring their wishes, out of respect for them.

And there it is.

[Farmer-Rick]

99. Sorry to hear that.

I got a large white marble marker for him. I doesn't quite match what everyone else gets. But it is an old country cemetery and they have no restrictions on what kind of marker or tombstone you get.

Glad to hear you look into it.

[4Q2u2]

2. Told my Children

To box me and burn me. Toss me to the wind. I do not want them beholden to a piece of dirt that really means nothing to us.
I am a Vet so i could go to a National Cemetery but I think that people move around too much that after a certain point no one is left to visit. That is why there is perpetual care to be purchased. The Cemeteries know that sooner or later most Graves are abandoned due to life.
I also want to be remembered as I was in my living form. In their Hearts and Minds.

[exboyfil]

3. Right on point

I have been through this process three times (my paternal grandma when I was helping my dad because he was failing from cancer, my dad, and my maternal grandma). All three in Huntington WVa. It is an insanely expensive process especially getting my grandma from Iowa to West Virginia.

For my grandma I took the money she had in her savings account when she went on Medicaid LTC and created a burial trust. I did it to protect her assets. It also locked in prices. Still there was a marker (I used a 3rd party for that because of cost and ability to match to my grandpa's marker).

I will say the Funeral Home did me right. There were no extra charges even though the first company they contracted with to handle the remains bailed.

My wife and I have already agreed to cheapest cremation. My mom wants that as well.

[Phentex]

4. Here we have the Memorial Society of Georgia...

all my kids need to know is the name of the funeral home and I have been beating that into their heads for a long time.

They don't do a good job of getting the word out about it though.

[exboyfil]

12. I wrote a note in huge letters

to go into my grandma's file at the nursing home to ensure they didn't call XYZ. Funeral Homes are a business as well, and they do have many ways to get customers. When my grandmother first came into my care, I couldn't help noticing that proprietors of two different ones suddenly knew my name and wanted to shake my hand while at church.

[MineralMan]

24. One of the problems is that the funeral home industry has consolidated

into a few large firms that have bought out most of the small funeral home businesses in smaller communities like the one where my parents live. The funeral home I called is the last one remaining near where they died. It still has a small-town name, but is owned by a large company now. That is the situation in most small towns and cities these days. Often, you have no choice, really.

The other problem I encountered was incompetence. The person I dealt with made a crucial error, which delayed the issuance of my mother's death certificate. I was not aware of the error until long after her death, and it took actual threats of reporting the company to the state agency that regulates funeral homes to get it corrected. I told that story in another thread here.

[Hoyt]

5. Cremation definitely. After dealing with funeral homes at least 4 times in my life, never want to

meet those folks again or put my family through that. And, they know they have you at your weakest. I sure didn't have the energy to "shop around."

The whole process is set up to make you feel like a heel for not buying the best for your departed. Compared to funeral home representatives/salesmen, I found a new respect for used car salespeople.

Agree completely in taking care of it yourself to relieve the family of the responsibility.

[MineralMan]

15. I shut down the funeral home's upselling efforts instantly.

I was not in the mood for it at all. As we were talking, I was looking at their web page. There would be no service, not even at the gravesite. So, the simple, relatively affordable caskets I chose were, of course, on the last page of their website.

"You realize that those caskets do not have gaskets?" the representative said. I responded with, "You realize that they are dead and will not care about that?" That ended the upselling.

The problem is that you are trapped by your grief and the sales tactics of that industry. You do not know your options, really, in most cases. I did know them, though, and controlled the process, as far as possible. I shifted into an "all business" mode and powered past their fake condolences and attempts at shaming. I insisted that they listen to me and do what I requested. I'm like that when stressed.

[jmbar2]

32. LOL

"You realize that they are dead and will not care about that?" That ended the upselling.

When my dad died, the funeral home wanted to charge an exorbitant amount to drive the body from the nursing home to the funeral home.

We said we'd just rent a pickup from UHaul and do it ourselves. They dramatically dropped the price.

[MineralMan]

42. There you go!

Unfortunately, my parents were in California and I was in Minnesota. I do have a pickup, though, but that's a long drive.

Since both of my parents had died on the same day, though, the funeral home did offer me a "quantity discount." Weird stuff, all around.

I spent a lot of time shaking my head sadly from side to side that day.

In California, concrete vaults are not required by law. However, cemeteries can insist on them for casket burials, as did the one where they were buried.

2 Concrete boxes - $750 each.

$5300 to bury two people.

Due to Covid-19, there were only two people at the burial. My brother-in-law and his son. Of course, there were 24 folding chairs at the graveside, despite my informing the cemetery that there would be no graveside service. There's a fee for that, as well.

The cemetery director told my B-i-L that the marker would cost just $400. What he didn't tell him was that the $400 was just the installation charge for the marker. The granite marker is 16" x 40" x 3". Installing it requires digging and leveling a shallow hole in the turf that size. I could do that in half an hour with a square shovel. It will take two people to lift and place the marker, I suppose. That should take about five minutes. Then there's removing the dug-up sod rectangle. Another 15 minutes. Hmm...

[jmbar2]

46. Frigging disgusting

Reminds me of hospital billing where you pay $40 for a Tylenol. Absolutely no justification for such price gouging.

[MineralMan]

51. In many places, funeral homes are a monopoly.

You might contact the "Smith Family Funeral Home" in your community, or something with a similar name. Odds are, though, that it is owned by one of the national mortuary corporations.

Basically, you are often stuck with having only one provider available, so they can charge you whatever they want, essentially.

Worse, you are not in an emotional state to drive a hard bargain, in most cases. What you can do, however, is opt out of common and costly services. Embalming is NOT required. An expensive casket is NOT required. Funeral services are NOT required. Just say no, and look down at the bottom of the list of available caskets if you're doing a burial. If you're doing a cremation, look for the least expensive container option for the cremation itself and for an urn or other container for the cremains. Again, look down the list of options right to the end. For example, if you plan to scatter the ashes yourself, you can opt for an inexpensive box to hold the cremains. Whatever container you choose, the cremains will be in a plastic bag inside of it.

Above all, don't let the provider use guilt to convince you to do anything. Just say "NO, I DO WANT THAT." For example, a "gasket" on an inexpensive casket is going to cost you hundreds of dollars more. It is not necessary and not required. If you choose the least expensive metal gasket, you'll have limited color choices. If nobody will see the casket, what does it matter? In the model I chose, it came in blue or white. I asked which they had in stock. They had only blue. So, blue it was. What doesn't matter doesn't matter.

During the COVID-19 pandemic, funerals and memorial services are often skipped, anyhow. Once the pandemic is over, you can have a gathering at a place of your choosing later. No service is required, however. That is something you can decide on for yourself.

[jmbar2]

56. My family is pretty stingy with funerals

None of us are religious or feel any connection to our loved ones' "containers". Once they're gone, we go as cheap as possible.

We had my sister cremated, picked up the ashes and scattered them. The whole thing cost about $800. A chunk of that was ordering the death certificates.

[pandr32]

47. It seems to be a racket

This isn't how it should be.

[SergeStorms]

73. Depending upon where you live...

you still might have to go through a funeral home to get your loved one cremated. My Mom died in 2019 and I knew what her wishes were, but at the Hospice where she spent her final months they said we still had to go through a funeral home for cremation. They tried to sell me a $7,000 coffin for her to be cremated in.

I live in New York state. Everybody has their hand out, even when you die. I've prepaid all of my final expenses. The cemetery where I'll spend eternity (or until we blow up the planet) has beautiful gazebo-like structures where you can buy an apse to have your ashes stored, along with a bronze plaque, all for the low, low price of $3,000. What a deal!
After dealing with both my parents' deaths, I wanted everything possible to be done beforehand. The less my daughter has to do, the better. That's a trying time for family members, and many unscrupulous people take advantage of grieving families. Screw them.

[niyad]

6. Thank you for this heavy, heartfelt, and no doubt difficult post, MM. The death industry is

disgustingly profitable, counting on peoplek's pain and distress.

A friend and I were discussing this very issue last night. She is paying on one of those cremation plans, and another friend thinks that is terrible, ghoulish and negative. But it is the correct thing to do. She does not want her son burdened as you described.

"The American Way Of Death", as Jessica Mitford put it, is beyond bizarre, an obscenity.

Please know how touched and grateful we are that you can share part of this difficult journey with your DU family. Please remember to take good care of yourself.

[MineralMan]

21. I'm doing fine. Thanks very much.

In many ways, I'm ideally suited for such situations. My father taught me well how to deal with such things.

I'm familiar with the excesses of the funeral industry, from reading books like Mitford's. I'm also able to shift into an intensely practical mode that lets me deal with such complexities whenever needed.

As for sharing my experiences, that has been my career as a journalist writing consumer articles for almost 50 years. That's what I do. So, I've been doing that here with everything connected with my experience in dealing with the deaths of my parents. In many ways, it is therapeutic, and helps me deal with things.

[jmbar2]

34. Your posts will remain as excellent guidelines for years on DU

Thanks so much for taking the time to provide such detail.

[MineralMan]

36. I will be very glad if that is the case.

[Dream Girl]

58. It is. I'm taking mental notes on some of your posts.

They are most helpful and definitely food for thought! Thank you for these most helpful posts!

[MineralMan]

67. Thanks! While they're really off-topic for DU's GD forum,

they are something that everyone eventually goes though. That's why I keep posting about my experience with this. If I can help anyone, I'm glad to do it.

[Dream Girl]

70. My husband and I know we want cremation. I need to research where and how to get this started

I don’t have a clue where to start. Neptune Society is pretty much the limit from wat I know.

[MineralMan]

80. The Neptune Society is good.

There are other "Cremation Societies," as well. A search for Cremation Services in your area on Google will find them for you.

They offer a range of memberships and services. You can even prepay for the whole thing at a discount from the "at need" cost. Keep whatever certificate you get from them with your other important papers, and make sure your survivors know where those papers are.

Survivors need your Social Security numbers, and birth certificates, if available. Those are crucial, and will contain all the information you will need when talking to a funeral home. Insurance polices, as well, should be in there, along with vehicle titles, bank account information, real estate deeds, etc.

Here's a tip: Sign your vehicle titles like you were selling them, but don't date them. Doing this will enable your survivors to sell those vehicles, or transfer them to their own names without any hassle. If you don't sign them, you'll have to wait for death certificates, and fill out some forms at the DMV. Pain in the butt.

[Dan]

61. My wife and I purchased a cremation plan

Pre-paid and everything taken care of, from the Death Certificates to the urn that will be the final resting place until the fire.

Cost of about $3000 plus changes for both of us - but included a provision that if we died anywhere in the world that our remains would be taken care of.

No expenses for the son, but at least it’s taken care of;

Don’t know if I can state the Company that deals with it, but it is a nation wise organization.

[MissMillie]

7. My parents planned and paid for their funerals back in the 90s

plots and headstones too.

With Mom passing last summer, we had a VERY small, socially-distanced funeral, When things settle down, we'll do a "celebration of life."

It was nice that we didn't have to wonder what she wanted.

[ChazII]

8. My body will be donated to Research for Life

and then cremated. There is no family. I am the last one.

Edited to add: I want my body to go towards Neurofibromatosis research.

[MLAA]

13. That's a wonderful plan.

My husband and I will be cremated. Now I’ll consider donation before cremation. Thanks!

[ChazII]

92. You are welcome.

Jay's brain was used for glioblastoma brain tumors. This was the same type of tumor that killed Pres. Biden's son. This body was used for orthopedic surgical procedures.

[kiranon]

88. Thank you. One of my children has NF1.

[ChazII]

93. May is Neurofibromatosis Awareness

Month. Many people hear loathe Facebook but it is one way to help others learn about this genetic disorder.

[dalton99a]

10. Kick

[sarisataka]

11. If you really want to be environmentally conscious

Look to see if green cremation is available in your state. It is a very old process developed by the Mayo Clinic that has been made available to the public as an alternative to flame cremation. It uses far less energy than traditional cremation and more states are authorizing it for use.

The cost is usually the same as traditional cremation

[MLAA]

14. I read about that briefly recently. I'll go back and read more. Thanks.

[MineralMan]

16. Such a thing is not available where my parents lived, nor

was there time to deal with that.

[sarisataka]

22. It has only been approved

In about a third of the states and most of them within the last decade. Some states have approved it but there are no providers yet.

IMHO it is a good option if available. If not you only have what is available at that time.

My experience is if you find a family owned funeral home you will get better and more empathetic service. Unfortunately it isn't often easy to determine the Smith and Jones Family Funeral Home is really run by Big Funeral Conglomerate INC.

[exboyfil]

20. I really like the idea

I like the one where your body is used to fertilize a tree.

The alternative

Embalming fluid
Cosmetics and other prep
Being put on display like a Christmas turkey as you decay and the smell gets worse
Expensive casket built to "last"
Concrete Vault
Hole in the ground making land unfit for other purpose
Marker
Eternal maintenance

[bcool]

30. Green burials are gradually becoming more available

I was originally thinking about cremation, but then I thought "what a waste of resources" - not only the gas (or whatever) to cremate me, but that my body could be used to help something else grow.

So, with that in mind I'm starting to move towards a "green" burial - one where you're not embalmed & are placed in a compostable coffin.

This website can help you find cemeteries and funeral directors that can do that (under Find GBC Providers): [link:https://www.greenburialcouncil.org/|

[demigoddess]

38. that is my first wish. Put me in the ground and plant a tree on top.

enough of a marker for me and a tree will add oxygen to the air.

[pandr32]

48. +1

[Danmel]

17. We have plots

Personally, I don't want to be cremated because I am the child of a Holocaust survivor and a large percentage of my family ended their earthly presence in Nazi crematoriums, in violation of Jewish law. I will do my best during my time on 🌎to minimize my impact on the planet.

[brooklynite]

18. Um, I don't care...

Dispose of my body as cheaply and efficiently as possible. Or donate it to science. I won't be around to worry about it.

[Silent3]

25. That's my attitude

The only reason to pre-plan is to make it easier on the survivors. After they take what can be used for medical and scientific purposes, the rest can be tossed in a landfill for all I care, if it doesn't make good fertilizer.

[lagomorph777]

19. I want whatever's the cheapest way to dispose of my carcass.

Strip off any useful parts such as corneas and heart, then dispose of it and move along.

I'd like a green burial (no embalming, vault, etc) so I can return to the soil. But if cremation is easier, fine.

A body is just a body - I'll have no use for it. If any use can be made of it, great. But for goodness sake I don't want my heirs to waste money and time dolling it up, packaging it, and gawping at it.

[Turbineguy]

23. I pre-arranged

my Mother's cremation. I arranged it on a Saturday, she died the following Wednesday. I never told her I saved $400 by not waiting. Although, being Scottish, she might have appreciated it.

[SweetieD]

26. I am definitely being cremated. My mom wanted the same thing. We still were able to bury her ashes

in the same grave plot as her mother, my grandmother. So they are together forever. Unfortunately, the cost of changing grandma's tombstone to show my mom is also buried there was more expensive than I realized. It is one of those things that I need to do one day.

[central scrutinizer]

27. Green burial

My wife died four years ago of pancreatic cancer. She was involved in our decisions and picked out a burial spot. We paid for two spots up front so my spot is ready. We wanted her energy to go back into the earth where it came from. We opted for a green burial. No embalming, the body is refrigerated until burial. She chose the dress she wanted to be buried in. Her brother made a shrouding board from untreated pine in his shop. All of her friends and family created woven, knitted, crocheted or appliqued pieces that we (me, her sister, our daughter, a couple friends) sewed together into a shroud. All the pieces had to be natural, no polyester or synthetic yarn or fabric. Very cathartic for all involved. Lots of tears as we produced and assembled these items. At the cemetery, she was delivered by the funeral home, wrapped in the shroud and lashed to the shrouding board, face exposed. We included a small pouch so mourners could write a personal message and send it to the hereafter with her. At the end of our ceremony, her face was covered, then she was lowered into the ground. We then filled the grave ourselves. The cemetery workers said they had never before seen a grave completely filled by mourners. It definitely cost more than cremation but the active involvement of the whole community was invaluable. If she had died suddenly, however, I doubt we would have done this. But I’m so glad we did. It was beautiful. Tears are welling up again as I write this and look at photos of the shroud.

[MineralMan]

28. Thank you for sharing that.

As you say, many things are possible with pre-planning. Without it, though, things are more complicated, and fewer choices are available. Plus, there are the wishes of the deceased, as in my case.

[central scrutinizer]

41. It was about the only positive aspect of a terminal diagnosis.

[MineralMan]

43. Yes. My mother had advanced Alzheimer's and died at home in hospice care.

My father caught COVID-19 from a caregiver, and died three days later. He was very frail, and lived that long only through sheer will. He was determined not to die before my mother did. He managed that by just over an hour. At age 96, every breath can be your last.

[jmbar2]

35. What a wonderful way to send her off

Thank you for sharing.

[moonscape]

100. That is so poignant and beautiful. You both

created a lovely ritual and I can understand tears in the retelling.

[yewberry]

29. READ THIS MM!

Disclaimer: I have nothing to gain by providing this information. I am a member of a local branch of the Funeral Consumer Alliance and nothing more.

I'm a member of the People's Memorial Association, a Washington co-op that advocates for and provides education about end-of-life planning. There are links to other groups across the US on their website here:
https://peoplesmemorial.org/membership/why-be-a-member/

There are discounted rates for burial, cremation, funeral services & green options for members. There are also informational resources (downloadable documents and grief support links) for non-members.

[MineralMan]

44. I understand. Sadly, if the need comes before the planning,

things get more complicated, apparently, and you can be held hostage by the death industry.

There is a FEMA grant available for COVID-19 victims, which pays up to $9000 to the survivors. I'm in the process of completing the application for that grant for my father's death. It requires that COVID-19 be listed on the death certificate, though, which might not be the case in some states, which have tried to limit the number of COVID-19 deaths by listing other causes on death certificates. Fortunately, that was not the case in this instance. California is not a red state, thank goodness.

Here is a link to the FEMA page. Anyone who has had someone die of COVID-19 should visit that link. The process of applying for the grant is a PITA, but it's worthwhile:

https://www.fema.gov/disasters/coronavirus/economic/funeral-assistance

[CTyankee]

31. I am going to Spain when I die.

Here's the deal: my husband has me cremated and my ashes put in a box. My son in law goes out in his boat into the waters around Martha's Vineyard. He will find on his map of currents the one that will take me to the Iberian Peninsula.

I hope I wash up on the coast of Spain and not Portugal. The art is better in Spain. Priorities, you know!

[MineralMan]

45. My wishes, which my wife knows, are for my ashes

to be dumped in the Mississippi River in St. Paul, MN, where they will be distributed down the river through natural forces. Such a thing is officially illegal in Minnesota, but the river is large and there are many access points to it where such a scattering can take place in complete privacy.

[CTyankee]

71. I researched MA's law regarding ashes in the waterway arond the VINYARD and there were none.

My guess is that it is not an issue for such a small amount of dumping.

[MineralMan]

81. Even if there are laws against it, those laws are not actively enforced.

In the end, nobody really cares these days.

Still, I advice using discretion and avoid being observed while scattering someone's ashes. You never know when a Karen might be standing around.

[CTyankee]

91. I'll tell my son in law. I'll see them over july 4 weekend and that'l make a nice

conversation starter!

[Ilsa]

33. Thank you so much for your post. Is cremation covered by VA or

a National Cemetary? I have a family member who will be cremated and laid to rest along with her career/retired Army veteran spouse. I'm trying to get her affairs in order, that is, cash saved for her cremation if it isn't covered as a benefit.

[MineralMan]

49. There is a VA death benefit. It's not enough to cover the cost

of cremation, though, but whoever does the cremation will arrange for it, and deduct that benefit from the cost. You will need the deceased's DD Form 214 or other discharge papers if the person was an officer. If that document is not available, it can be obtained by the funeral home or cremation service provider from the archives. They're used to doing that.

There are VA assistance offices in most larger communities and counties. A Google search will turn up the nearest one near you or the place of death. They're very helpful.

[Ilsa]

95. I have placed several calls to our regional

VA office, a person assigned to our alphabetical group, but received no return calls. We probably will skip Aide in Attendance services and opt for placement in a home or Memory Care center. The work is one thing that is tiring but manageable. The abuse she dishes is another.

[Tree Lady]

37. I have been reading abut these living urns

Where you plant a tree as part of it, I would love to be part of nature when gone but maybe that is just another gimmick.

My mom in her 90's wants to be cremated as do both my husband and I. He wants his ashes scattered at his fav beach.

[central scrutinizer]

39. There was a man in my grief support group

Who took some of the ashes of his partner and had a tattoo artist mix them with his ink. Now he always has a little bit of his loved one under his skin.

[Vinca]

40. My plans are easy: no obit, no funeral, no urn. Cremate me, stuff me in a box and

scatter the ashes someplace that isn't a landfill.

[marie999]

50. My husband and I will be cremated.

We have VA life insurance for $10,000 each. The VA pays the premiums.

[MineralMan]

52. My father had VA life insurance, as well.

He got it in 1944, and paid the annual premium every year for 20 years, as specified. 20 Pay Life was what it was called. When he died, the policy was worth $68,000. Since we had paid all funeral expenses, that was split between myself and my sister, as the two surviving beneficiaries. That covered all of their death expenses, with enough left over to pay off the amounts we had to put on our credit cards at the time.

It took about six weeks, though, to get that benefit. I found the original policy documents in my parents' papers and Googled VA Life Insurance to find out who to call. They were very nice when I called.

[Harker]

54. I'll settle for cremation..

having had my earlier idea about being left propped up against a tree in the Rocky Mountain wilderness dismissed.

And a Folger's can would be fine, though I greatly prefer tea.

It won't matter.

[Blue Owl]

55. Ah yes, the 'Death Care' industry

as they famously called it on the show "Six Feet Under" which, while a fictitious show, offered some interesting insights into the inside operations of the funeral industry. Recommended if you haven't watched it!

[Harker]

60. Did the word "cremains" come up?

I nearly laughed, despite my sorrow, as I picked up my first wife's ashes.

Sounds like a side order.

[Hamlette]

57. my parents donated their bodies to science

Dad died at home, when they came for the body they asked for a $600 donation for transporting the body but said it was not necessary. Mom died in the hospital and there was no charge.

Apparently there is a memorial in the city cemetery they put their names on but I've never looked for it. They returned the ashes 2 years later.

It had nothing to do with cost. Dad died first and we had a public service for him. It was mostly for Mom and was not a chore to plan (mainly picking the food for a sit down dinner. Since we are major foodies, I remember it as being fun).

I want the same thing. Maybe my dead body will do some good.

[BobTheSubgenius]

59. I found an organization here that was unbelievably good when it was my father's time.

His instructions were "cremate, put the ashes in a weighted bag and drop if off the James Island pier. We managed a little better than that, but cremation was definitely part of it.

This group arranged the cremation (which was not at all difficult when it came time to arrange it for my friend), and organized a little non-denominational memorial, and the total was something like $1600, as I remember.

It was so non-denominational that it wasn't really religious at all.


When my wife was with her siblings and mother, arranging for her father's burial, the fellow that carves the markers asked if they wanted a double, which they did. He said he could include my mil's information, and add the date of death later.

My wife said "Or we can pick a date and just make it happen." My mil thought this was hysterically funny, but her older brother and sister were both appalled.

Just for the record, my wife loves everything - EVERYTHING - about her mother. Absolutely devoted. She just has the same outre sense of humour that I do. Her favourite slogan is (paraphrasing) "When I feel like I'm being overwhelmed, I remember whose daughter I am, adjust my crown and get to it."

[BobTheSubgenius]

65. A little anecdote I just LOVE.

My wife and inlaws are all from a tiny town in WNY. Their Memorial Day is a totally splendid event in the life of Tiny Town USA. Everyone that isn't in the parade comes out to watch it, and it's a treat. Horses, tractors, the fire engine, marching band, kids in go-carts. You name it. The parade-to-onlookers ratio must be close to 50-50.

A few years ago, the teacher of one of the primary classes thought it would be a good idea if the children knew more about Memorial Day, and part of that was for each of them to write a little letter for a veteran's memorial in the local cemetery. All appropriate markers have a symbol declaring the veteran's service.

The note on my late fil's (who I never met, sadly) was:

"Dear Veteran. Thank you for your service and for keeping us safe. Keep up the good work!"

[MineralMan]

68. That's wonderful!

I like your wife! Wonderful attitude.

[BobTheSubgenius]

87. Thank you, from me and on her behalf.

I shall pass that on.

[TlalocW]

62. I'm going to plan my own funeral and put money into an account for it

And give the instructions and access to the account to a couple of nieces.

1. Cremation and ashes put into one of those tree pods. I'll find a place for it to be planted.
2. Money to rent a place. Could be a shelter in a park
3. PIZZA PARTY!
4. Money for a balloon twister (that was my main source of income up until COVID)
5. I will provide a thumb drive of mp3s of songs. I remember my mom's funeral planning, and her favorite songs were well known. Mine aren't, and not being religious, I don't want any of that foisted on me even in death.

I'm going to set a goal of $5000. Anything left over can go to the nieces for being in charge.

TlalocW

[NullTuples]

63. I've let my loved ones know I want my remains scattered from a plane over San Francisco

Also, I don't want to be cremated.

[displacedtexan]

72. That's great!!! Love it!

KRON4 will probably send Will Tran to cover the story.

[Martin Eden]

64. I would like my ashes scattered someplace I love to hike

Whoever was tasked with carrying my ashes there would be treated to some beautiful scenery.

[MineralMan]

76. Another good thing about cremation is that ashes don't all have to go

in one place. We learned that from my wife's parents.

Her father's and mother's ashes are buried at Fort Snelling, the national cemetery in the Twin cities. Well, most of them, anyhow.

We drove some of her father's ashes to Lincoln, Nebraska, where he grew up, and scattered them on his parents' gravesite. We scattered some, also, inside Memorial Stadium at the University of Nebraska, where he was on the football team in 1942. We didn't tell anyone we were doing that, either. We just walked out on the football field and scattered them discretely.

We did something similar for her mother. We drove to the place she was born in South Dakota. We arranged to bury a small box containing some of her ashes at her parents' churchyard gravesite. The cemetery manager for the church came, with tools. I dug a hole between her parents' graves, after removing a square of sod and we placed her ashes in it, and then backfilled it and replaced the sod. The manager knew her family and showed us graves of other relatives, including some we didn't even know about. Very informal. Then, we drove to the site of the school she went to as a teenager, and scattered some ashes on the playground there.

There are laws about cremains, but nobody really cares. As long as you use some discretion, you can scatter them as you please, really.

[Martin Eden]

89. So much better than a concrete sarcophagus

Thank you for detailing your own experience with family cremains.

[harumph]

69. I would add to that and say go DIRECTLY to the crematorium

and not through a funeral home. If you go through a funeral home - they're not the ones doing the
cremation - they outsource it. Look up crematories specifically and have the body transported directly to them.
You'll save big $$. It's around $1000.00 in the DFW area for no-frills cremation. Burying bodies and
all that upselling by the funeral homes just costs too much and it's environmentally bad.

[Hekate]

74. KnR

[Delmette2.0]

75. I have had a range of experience between 4 deaths.

1. Some states let you transport the deceased. Check with the funeral home of your choice to understand the law in your state. You pay if either funeral home does the transport (round trip costs).

2. Nursing homes may not have a gurney to put the deceased into your vehical. Plan ahead if you plan to transport to an out of town funeral home.

3. Please plan ahead for the sake of your family. Mom was counting on insurance to cover the cost, which they did, eventually. The funeral home wanted $$ up front. Out of the four siblings I was the only one to offer up my signature as the responsible party.

[MineralMan]

79. Good points.

Yes, the funeral homes want to get paid before delivering any services. That was a surprise to me. Fortunately, I could do that. My sister's husband sent checks for half the amount immediately, as well. I reimbursed him as soon as I could.

[Javaman]

77. I'm donating my body to a local medical school. nt

[WinstonSmith4740]

85. First of all...

Condolences again. I've been following your posts on this subject. This is a difficult conversation to have with someone, but I'd like to add my support & encouragement on the idea of cremation.

When it became painfully obvious that my late husband was not going to beat the cancer, I had to start looking around. Fortunately, we had already had "the talk" so I knew his wishes, and thankfully, he was fine with cremation. Because he was in hospice care when he passed, I was given a discount by the funeral home. He didn't want any kind of fuss..."Just light the match and get it done", so I was able to arrange for a "direct cremation"...which is no service at all. They came and picked him up when his time came, and a couple weeks later, I picked up his ashes. This was almost 11 years ago, so the prices are probably higher now, but I was able to take care of his final wishes for under $500, and a few weeks later on the anniversary of when we met, I had a "Life Celebration" get together with our friends. I don't know what I would have done if he had wanted a big sendoff.

Seriously folks...think of those you're leaving behind. My best friend's husband died suddenly, and even though he was cremated, she had a service for him, and the expense was insane. You're so right, MineralMan...the funeral industry has you by the short hairs, plus they know how vulnerable you are at this particular time. For the most part, you're numb, and can only nod your head.

Plan ahead, folks. Me? I want to be turned into a tree, and since Mike's ashes are in a biodegradable urn implanted with flower seeds, he's going to be next to it.

[Colorado Liberal]

86. Just wanted to add my thanks

Your posts on this subject have been incredibly timely. I lost my spouse last November, and mercifully we'd at least had the conversation about what to do with our remains, and we both agreed that we wanted to be cremated. Worked with one of the funeral homes in town (now part of a larger chain, as you have mentioned), and it cost over $3500, even without the various up-selling options.

The up-selling (which you've also mentioned) was really distasteful - there we were, her siblings, nephew, and me, just days after her death, and they were pushing rings, urns, even some option to have the remains taken into orbit (I'm not making this up). They get people at their most vulnerable and then see if they can turn grief and guilt to their advantage.

Anyway, thank you for everything you have shared regarding your experiences.

[Luciferous]

90. I told my kids I want to be cremated. They can go out to lunch or something but I don't

want a funeral or memorial service or anything.

[FlyingPiggy]

94. my father passed away 15 years ago and made ALL the arrangements. He mercifully had it all planned

exactly how he wanted. He was older and had gone to too many memorial services of his friends. He came to the sad realization that the end of life business is very much a business. He wanted to minimize that and that was exactly what he did. He arranged for a memorial service at the funeral home for us. We all took a shot of gin in his honor (as that was his favorite drink). But when it came time for the cremation, he arranged for a cardboard box. That's right. A cardboard box. It broke my heart at the time and the funeral director was nice and understanding as I proclaimed by horror and wanted to change it to a more respectable coffin. I was ready to pay for it right then and there. Even insisted. But in the end, I knew I had to honor his wishes. Years later, I look back and fully understand why he did what he did. He was disgusted with the funeral industry and the exorbitant charges. He wanted nothing to do with it. He acquiesced to the memorial for us. But he left in the manner HE wanted and I love him to bits for it. Since then, my mom and I have talked and both have decided to do the same. Nothing fancy as we feel it is truly a waste of money. For us, it's all about the prayers anyways. So we both decided to not even do the memorial. Just the cremation in a cardboard box. We'll be taking the thousands and donating to our organizations that we hold dear instead.

[jmowreader]

96. Do your family another favor

When you hit the age of 80, decide who the executor of your estate is going to be and put that person’s name on your bank accounts. My mom refused to do it, so we had to get a court order to release her funds to us. Fortunately, we hired a fine attorney who was able to get it in two days, but you may not be that lucky.

[MineralMan]

98. Yes, absolutely.

My father wouldn't even discuss it. I explained that if he died first, I would need to be able to pay her home health care bills. While I certainly could have gotten a court order to do that, there was no need for it to be that complicated.

He was just dead set against things like powers of attorney and putting even his eldest son's name on their bank accounts. Unmovable.

So, things are more complicated than they should have been, for sure. He thought he would outlive my mother. He did, but only by an hour. Oh, well.

It wasn't a battle I wanted to fight with him. So, now we have a lawyer on the job. At least I was able to get him to set up the trust for his assets, especially their real estate. I did that by explaining that he'd be able to avoid most taxes by doing that. He understood that concept, anyhow.

After he was about 93 years old, he was profoundly hard of hearing. I could communicate with him, but everyone else had a terrible time, which led to many misunderstandings and some bad feelings. It was especially bad when he tried to talk to someone on the phone. Very difficult stuff, especially with someone as stubborn as my father was.

[dsc]

97. My dad was still alive when my mom died and took care of the arrangments

he knew the funeral home operator so it went fairly well. My dad had remarried so when he went, his 2nd wife did the arrangements. both were cremated but there were services. I intend to give my body for organ donation and then to science. I do have a small policy so my sister (who is a decade younger than I) will not be burdened financially. If I wind up getting married before I go, then the policy will be for my husband but either way, I should be good. Watching Six Feet Under was eye opening in terms of funeral homes and how they can be.