Personal advice needed that might benefit others here-

[Thtwudbeme]

Note to mods- I thought about posting this in the Lounge, but realized that there are other DUers that might be going through the same things with aging parents. If it needs to be moved, please let me know.

My husband and I are close to my parents- who are in their 80's now. My Dad is utterly impossible to deal with (I am fine driving! etc)...but he is starting to get extremely forgetful. Last month, he forgot to pay his CC bill. So, I learned how to contact companies (electric, bank, etc) and set up "alerts" on days that the bills are due. Those places will contact me via email.

I also have ordered solar phone and tablet chargers for them. We live in NC, and a hurricane on the coast can knock out power 200 miles inland easily. During Hugo, Charlotte NC was largely without power for a couple of weeks. We also have an occasional from hell ice storm that requires Jim Cantore and a film crew.

OK- so, we have battery powered lanterns for them- flashlights, and now chargers for their phone, kindles and tablets. (My family reads alot). But what about cooking and heating? Michael and I use sterno, and are ordering a camp heater that is safe to use indoors. I am worried about that with them. Not really digging them having open flames-

For heat, I am thinking of those handwarmer packs that you just "break" and stick inside a sweater, or in your sheets. Those are safe as all get out, and Dad could even heat his recliner.

It's food I am worried about. Really worried.

Does anyone else have any "tips or tricks" for dealing with ornery damn near 90 year old fathers?

[pbmus]

1. One of many...

https://www.mealsonwheelsamerica.org/

[SheltieLover]

14. +1

Excellent suggestion. Much safer than open flame.

[hlthe2b]

2. I have a butane tabletop stove that I love for emergencies, but that doesn't remove the flame

issue.

Unless you want to invest and have professionally installed a back- up generator (in a protected, outdoor space to vent the carbon monoxide) for refrigerator, space heater, and maybe a microwave, the best course may just be to stock up the pantry with lots of ready-to-eat foods, healthy snack bars, nut butters, tuna, long shelf live milk in pints, canned V-8 or tomato juice, canned corn, pork-n-beans, and freeze some bread, muffins and of course, water.

I can't think of a safer non-electrical heating method that does not involve a flame, sorry.

[Thtwudbeme]

4. I can't either

I am thinking if there is a big storm, one of us will probably just have to go down and stay with them. We only live 90 miles from them and would probably have to work remotely at that point anyway.

My sister lives 2 miles from them, but she can be unreliable. Sometimes she is fantastic, and other times she is on the phone saying "I need my alone time!"

[MineralMan]

3. My very best advice is to stay in frequent touch with them.

I live in Minnesota, and my late parents lived in California. They died at 96 years of age in January, 2021 on the same day. About 8 years ago, I started calling them every day at the same time of day. They looked forward to those calls and were always ready to answer the phone at that time. Along with chatting and getting the latest news about them, I always asked about bills that had come that day in the mail. That helped my father remember to pay them. My mother had bad Alzheimer's and my father's cognitive abilities had slipped some as well.

If I had lived nearby, I would have dropped in on them daily, but I couldn't do that.

[Thtwudbeme]

6. I wondered how you handled that

We talk to them every day also. I have noticed that Mom isn't calling me as much lately. She has always wanted to talk about books, what's going on at school (she's a retired teacher, and I am a middle school librarian).

[MineralMan]

12. You're lucky to be closer than I was.

I always initiated the phone calls. My Dad would forget to call. Like a lot of people that age, he overestimated his capabilities, right up to the end. It took a while, but I learned how to convince him that doing what he needed to do was his idea, rather than mine. That helped.

I also had a brother-in-law living in the same town where they lived. He was busy taking care of my sister, who also had Alzheimer's, but he could respond to an immediate need by going over there, if necessary. If my Dad didn't answer the phone after a couple of tries, I'd get my BiL to go over and check on him right away.

The biggest issue was that my father absolutely refused to sign a power of attorney or add me to his bank accounts as a signatory so I could pay bills from his checking account. He had an unreasonable fear that I'd somehow take over completely. Silly, but what can you do?

Stubborn old coot, he was.

Still, I'd sometimes get him to walk over, get his checkbook, write a check, and address the envelope for a bill. All of it was very frustrating, of course, but it was essential not to get him aggravated by something and develop a grudge of some kind. He didn't used to be that way, but old age and some cognitive deficit changed that about him.

It was a challenge, but he was my Dad, so I did what I needed to do.

[chowder66]

5. You might look into a portable battery power station

which could heat a single burner hot plate, I think, and power other devices.

[Thtwudbeme]

7. Can you recommend a brand?

Amazon link?

[chowder66]

10. I've never used one. My neighbor told me about it recently so I can't recommend one.

I would try googling portable battery station or indoor generator and look for reviews and best of lists.

[Beastly Boy]

8. Can you find a charity or a service that will deliver meals to them?

Granted, the meals may not be of highest quality, but they are delivered warm, usually on schedule or close to it, no risk of your parent mishandling any appliances, unnecessarily venturing out in times of need, etc. The possible extra cost involved is well worth the peace of mind you get.

[Treefrog]

9. Buying a generator was the best thing I ever did.

That way all your electricity is fine, just make sure they have gas for it safely stored.

[csziggy]

24. For my postable generator I got a dual fuel that can use propane or gasoline.

Propane is easier to deal with than gasoline since it doesn't "go bad" over time. And it comes in those smallish tanks like are used for propane BBQ grills. I can fill up those tanks, keep them around and they will still be good if we don't get another storm for a few years. I also think those tanks are safer than gasoline cans.

[UpInArms]

11. There are self warming camping meals ...

OMEALS Self-Heating Portable Meals, Italian 6-Pack -Includes 2 Cheese Pizza, 2 Chicken Pasta Parmesan and 2 Spaghetti with Beef & Sauce Food Packs-Compact and Easy to Store-Great for Camping or Hiking

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

13. All I can offer you is sympathy.

They are yet another example of old people who really, really need to be in assisted living, or have some kind of services on a regular basis.

It's stories like this that make me all the more determined to move into independent/assisted living at some point down the road.

[boston bean]

15. Do they have natural gas?

[Phoenix61]

16. I can't think of a way to resolve the heating

issue without open flame or a generator to run an electric heater. Honda makes an amazing one but they’re pricey at $1,000. I think it’s worth every penny as they are incredibly quiet.

[Niagara]

17. My idea is not an inexpensive suggestion.

A standby generator.


I'm not affiliated with these generators in any way. I'm going to assume that your parents have their own home and don't reside in an apartment. Depending on the size of their home (bathrooms, bedrooms) they could get an appropriate watt generator that keeps the entire house going without having to sacrifice lights, cooking and heat. These generators are generally stationed outside and hidden in the back yard, and are generally safe from theft. Although they're not maintenance free. And you won't have to worry about open flames from a camping stove burning the house down or them transporting a gas-powered generator around and hurting themselves. Just a thought.









https://www.lowes.com/pd/Generac-Guardian-18kW-Home-Back-Up-Generator-with-Whole-House-Switch-WiFi-Enabled/5001417443?cm_mmc=shp-_-c-_-prd-_-sol-_-bing-_-pla-_--_-5001417443-_-0&kpid&placeholder=null&gclid=c1947a67c1f419d455de1a888dbb117c&gclsrc=3p.ds&ds_rl=1286981&msclkid=c1947a67c1f419d455de1a888dbb117c

[flotsam2]

18. Check this page

https://www.globalindustrial.com/p/heater-meals-assorted-case-fb-98010cs-9-oz-meal-12-case?infoParam.campaignId=T9F&gclid=CjwKCAjwlrqHBhByEiwAnLmYUBy7nkIOjuK3ViTK96rEOS_O40lfIhkeKse4jkLoqH2C7LsAcjdnUxoCcKAQAvD_BwE

Also google Omeals and self heating meals. Walmart has Omeals 2 slices of self heating pizza for $5.97

[flotsam2]

19. You might also consider Hormel "Compleats"

9oz entrees shelf stable and fully cooked. Probably not as good at room temperature but I'm certain they're edible. Pretty good bargain at $2 each.

See varieties here:
https://hormel.com/Brands/Compleats

[W_HAMILTON]

20. I had to take over my elderly mother's finances...

...once she started missing payments, writing checks incorrectly, etc. She has since been diagnosed with dementia and I am basically her caregiver.

Look into setting up auto-pay plans. Have them all go to one credit card or one checking account and then that means you only have to really review one statement each month to make sure everything was paid correctly. Maybe look into even doing an automatic minimum payment that credit cards have to make sure they never miss a payment, and then just monitor their monthly credit card statement every month to make sure they aren't incurring too much debt, etc.

[Deminpenn]

21. If you don't already have one, get a general, durable

power of attorney so you can step-in and pay bills or do banking if needed.

[EndlessWire]

23. For Social Security

you can become the designated payee, and then use the SS deposits to pay their bills. It is not hard to do, and will keep you legal. The requirements are not overly done.

[Tree Lady]

22. My mom is 93 and very independent and stubborn

Still very sharp too. In her late 80's she started having falls and not able to keep up her apt in a over 50 place. She wouldn't let me hire housekeepers because they were strangers and she didn't want meals on wheels because she was picky about what she ate. She refused to let me have food delivered from grocery store. I could go on and on. It was a real challenge and we argued.

DMV gave her a test after her cataract surgery and another 4 yrs to drive at 90! I could have smacked every person involved in that awful decision. She drove super slow getting on freeway and had dents all over car.

Finally at 91 her doctor called me, I am out of state from her also, not super far though she is in CA I am in OR. He told me she had lost a lot of weight and fell again and the time was to move her.

She flipped out, begged not to go to a place where basically people went to die. So we managed to find her a senior place that did meals, housekeeping, had a shuttle and a salon in house. Everything but medical and you could hire out that. She fought at first and I thought I was having a break down dealing with it, but 2 1/2 yrs later she loves the place, has made friends, goes to bingo and happy hour on Fridays. They decorate for all the holidays and brought her food daily to her small studio apt during covid. She is back downstairs again. And she has gained weight from the good food there.

After what I went through, and I will say you need to get medical and financial power of attorney since you may need it soon. I would say try to find something like what I got and talk them into moving or hire help if they can afford it.

Also I couldn't talk my mom into it until her doctor told her she had no choice. Talk to their doctor and get him or her on your side helping you. If they are starting to forget things it would be easy to accidentally leave stove on etc.

And I agree with having more communication, my mom and I have never been close I was a daddy girl and he died in 2000. My mom divorced him many years ago so she has been on her own since she was 50. I had to force myself to contact her more often knowing she may not have many years left. What did it matter if she still pushed my buttons.

A year ago March when covid started my two daughters who are around 40ish started weekly video chats with them my mom and me and at first it was awkward what to say but after a few months we cooked while we talked, we saw my grandson do his school project, we laughed over silly things and we are all much closer now and I don't think we will ever stop the calls.

I am also lucky that my older daughter lives 45min away from my mom and can go there in emergency and checks in on her a few times a month, I travel down every few months, although not during covid as much.

Good luck. Feel free to message any time for support. I am there!