Et Tu, Brady? (Ferret? Ferret.)
Spent another lovely week enjoying the various side effects of the coronavirus vaccine, stuff like “not catching Covid,” “not getting hospitalized with Covid,” and “not dying from Covid.” Like millions of rational people, my satisfaction level with this product is off the dang charts, and in a sane society, that reaction would be nigh universal, but regrettably, I dwell within the all-the-Delta-variant-can-eat buffet that’s made Tucker Carlson the most-watched man on cable: the United States of America.
(News links and other fanciness here: http://showercapblog.com/et-tu-brady/)
Texas Senate Republicans figured they’d finally wailed and whimpered about the alleged evils of “critical race theory” long enough to justify a thorough bleaching of the history textbooks, removing mandates to teach stuff like women’s suffrage and Martin Luther King Jr, and also bits that refer to slavery and the KKK as “morally wrong,” in case this was too subtle for anybody.
Longtime liberals will recognize this as the Voter Fraud Maneuver, wherein Republicans throw unceasing shitfits about a problem which stubbornly refuses to actually exist, and then, in the name of “solving” it, enshrine white supremacy ever further in the law. And yes, this is the same state legislature working even now to pass a massive, Thanks Ever So Much For Establishing the Precise Parameters of Plausible Deniability, Chief Justice Roberts minority disenfranchisement law. All this legislation was drafted using George Orwell’s vomit for ink, by the way.
As expected, Kevin McCarthy tried to fill the January 6th commission with poo-flinging howler monkeys, only Nancy Pelosi said “yeah, we’re not doin’ that, hoss,” and so Kev threw a little tantrum, yanked his entire trollwad from the commission altogether, and sprinted out to bitch n’ moan about “partisanship” for the cameras, as the dutiful drones in the both-sides-drunk media Cillizzasphere did that stenography that they do so well. Well, not “well,” but certainly “reliably.”
Y’know, here in the fever swamps of 2021, perhaps bipartisanship genuinely does mean that any bipartisan investigation of this act of terrorism must include those who excuse, enable, and even support the insurrectionist mob, but wouldn’t it therefore follow that one of the parties in question has been TAKING OVER BY FUCKING TERRORISTS? And in that scenario, where, precisely, is the virtue in “bipartisanship?” Walk me through it. Use small words.
Now Keville Chamberlain says his gaggle of fifth columnists will conduct their own investigation, perhaps into that time Pelosi called Hillary Clinton up, seeking advice on how best to give the National Guard a stand down order, who knows, I’m just asking questions here. By “investigation” they mean, “televised event where Gym Jordan shrieks about antifa to generate clips for Fox News’ white supremacist opinion hosts,” of course. Kinda like how a police officer is a “bobby” in England, y’know?
Anyway, we surely do need to figure out how we found our way to January 6th, 2021 in the first place, and how to avoid unwanted return trips, cuz it turns out that human shower drain clog actually got within 100 feet of Vice President Pants’ backup nuclear football, and people who can be prodded to violence by the lies of an obviously insane bedding merchant simply should not enjoy that kind of access.
Tom Barrack got arrested for operating illegally as an unregistered agent of a foreign power, and at some point, the nation’s evangelical “Christians” will explain to the rest of us why the object of their adulation surrounds himself exclusively with felons and traitors. Surely. Any day now. Two weeks. (Maybe we should also ask ‘em to clarify just how these “populists” manage to scrounge up $250 million in bail money on a moment’s notice.)
How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless quarterback! Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot’s failed, cringe-a-minute, lifelong quest to score an invite to the cool kids’ table suffered yet another devastating taint punt this week, as his long-courted man-crush, Tom Brady, not only finally accepted a White House invitation, (now that the overcooked steak fart smell has finally begun to fade) but joined Smilin’ Joe Biden in a double-team worthy of Hawk and Animal. Tee hee.
Rand Paul is the very best in the world at what he does, and what he does is lose fights to Dr. Anthony Fauci, on television, in the most humiliating fashion imaginable. For the record, Rand’s theatrically indignant spewing of bullshit conspiracy theories is precisely the sort of thing Pelosi is so correct to keep off the January 6th commission.
Aspiring concentration camp commandant Madison Cawthorn vowed to prosecute Fauci should his gang of fashy mediocrities retake the House next year, to “make sure that consequences are doled out” for valuing the American public’s health over the lies of an erroneously promoted game show host. “On what charges?” one may ask, as though the Lock Her Up crowd would concern themselves with such trivialities upon regaining power.
The Senate’s most punchable fake doctor and Kid Hitler Vacay aside, it would appear some in the GOP finally noticed their beloved Culture War got stuck on the “mass suicide” setting, prompting an organized, top-down effort to finally encourage their death cult base to take some of the simple steps necessary to get the goddamn pandemic under control, something the first 600,000 or so American corpses failed to inspire. Because until lately, the graveyards swelled in a largely bipartisan manner, you see.
Ron DeSantis even interrupted his ongoing victory lap (likely because he kept tripping over hospitalized constituents, seeing as how the state he governs leads the country in Covid cases, accounting for as many as one in five new infections nationwide) to suggest that vaccine avoidance is not, in fact, the lib-owning panacea it once appeared to be.
Mike Parson’s Missouri and Greg Abbott’s Texas have the honor of hosting similarly senseless outbreaks, because the official public health policy of the Republican Party has been, for a year and a half now, to actively facilitate the coronavirus’ spread through the populace. Lost in the raw madness of that is the simple fact that we HAVE A FUCKING SOLUTION for this problem and that it works really fucking well, meaning nearly every one of these new deaths is completely preventable.
While we should neither forget nor forgive all the months of murderous lies, I certainly wish Republicans luck in their reverse brainwashing efforts. They’ll need it. I mean, look at this guy. Really fucking LOOK at him. A tube for every orifice, still howling about his precious freedumb. You broke these fucking people. You set out to break them and now that they’re broken, you can’t figure out how to get them to process reality well enough to even preserve their own fucking lives. Nice work.
Well, at least Marjorie Taylor Greene still finds all this suffering and death humorous. The very week Covid kills a 5-year-old child in her district, the ghoul can’t help but giggle while continuing to spread the vile disinformation that’s already claimed so many lives. But it’s Liz Cheney who isn’t welcome in your party’s tent? Got it.
Hey, remember back during the Kavanaughty confirmation hearings, when the FBI rushed through their investigation of young Brettward’s raft of sexual misconduct allegations in record time, seemingly between the nominee’s heaving proclamations of affection for alcoholic beverages? Well, turns out the secret behind their stunning proficiency was Not Actually Investigating Shit. No big deal, not like we were vetting somebody for a lifetime appointment to a position of awesome political power or anything.
I see the would-be theocrats who’ve driven Mississippi into the bottom five of Everything But Meth Labs have decided the time is ripe to steal some rights from all those uppity broads who imagine they live in a modern society; state Attorney General Lynn Fitch officially took the plunge and asked the 6-3 wingnut Supreme Court to overturn Roe v. Wade. Makes sense. When you land Gorsuch and Kavanaugh on the flop, then the turn brings Anti Choicey Barrett, you push your chips into the pot. Buckle up.
Nothin’ conjures regressive meltdowns quite like the formal replacement of a racially insensitive sports team mascot, and I’m certainly looking forward to all the forthcoming rants in the Who’s the Racistest of Them All pageant that is the Ohio Republican Senate primary. (The swimsuit competition has been abandoned this year, in favor of a procession of hooded robe ensembles.)
You probably heard already, but the Kickstarter for my next comic book, Marguerite vs. the Occupation, is now LIVE, and running through August 19th. For everybody who’s already backed the project, I thank you from the bottom of my drunken, angry heart; the folks who’ve followed this blog these last four years are the entire reason I’ve finally got the confidence to pursue this lifelong dream. No way I can pay y’all back for that, but I’ve tried to make a story you’ll enjoy. I certainly wrote it with you in mind.
So learn more about it here, and if you are sufficiently impressed (and who wouldn’t be, by the awesome work of our art team: Kasey Quevedo, Laurel Dundee, and Toben Racicot?) give a thought to backing our campaign. Special rewards tiers just for Shower Cap fans, by the way.
PS, if anybody out there was thinking, “Hey, maybe I should come at Joe Biden,” don’t. Just don’t.
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Thanks, Cap.
