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Tue Sep 21, 2021, 01:47 PM

A question about potentially abusive men...

Why is it that the wrong bumper sticker can get one fired, a bad word on Facebook can leave you friendless, a statue can draw the ire of an entire town, the wrong neighborhood can leave you without access to friends from the "other side of the tracks"...


But women (men too) FREQUENTLY find themselves in abusive and potentially abusive relationships with class A Assholes with both families knowing about the issues and it's met with acceptance or at least apathy.

Why no real social condemnation of abusers?

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Response to WarGamer (Original post)

Tue Sep 21, 2021, 01:52 PM

1. I know I listen to too much True Crime -

But I have been truly shocked at the number of cases where one of a couple wants to hire someone to murder the other, and goes to friends and coworkers and asks, "Do you know anyone I can hire to kill my spouse?"

And only very seldom do the friends/coworkers call the police. And then the spouse ends up dead, and they're all, hmm, never thought he really meant it. Like they had nothing to do with it.

There was one case where a woman tried to hire a car salesman (she was buying a Caddy) to kill her husband. He was a complete stranger, and you know, a salesman, so I guess she thought he'd be swayed by the offer of money. He went to the FBI and helped them set up a sting, and he played her along, telling her he had just the hitman to do it (an FBI agent, of course). It was balming to realize that there actually are people who won't shrug and let a request for a hitman just pass.

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Response to viva la (Reply #1)

Tue Sep 21, 2021, 01:54 PM

3. crazy...

I mean a Trump flag (or Biden flag) in the yard is more likely to have the parents of a son/daughter say "No Way" to dating a kid from that house rather than the way a boy/girl treats others.

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Response to WarGamer (Original post)

Tue Sep 21, 2021, 01:54 PM

2. Because talking to someone about their abusive or toxic SO can ruin the intervener's

relationship with the victim without solving the problem. Some people don't like the risk. Not defending that choice, but I think it happens a lot.

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Response to RockRaven (Reply #2)

Tue Sep 21, 2021, 01:55 PM

4. Yeah, I think you're right...

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Response to WarGamer (Original post)

Tue Sep 21, 2021, 02:09 PM

5. Ultimately

The abuser chooses to abuse others. And the abuser will do anything to obscure that fact that they chose to victimize someone.

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Response to WarGamer (Original post)

Tue Sep 21, 2021, 02:14 PM

6. Because violence against women is still more normalized than other things you mention.

It takes a lot of work to make slurs and statues deal-breakers; partner violence is even more entrenched.

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Response to WhiskeyGrinder (Reply #6)

Wed Sep 22, 2021, 08:39 AM

11. How many times have we heard that abusing a woman/girl on the street was merely letting her know

she was pretty and should feel complimented, further thank the stranger. Cause, how is a man to flirt. It is entrenched in all of our society, why not a man owning his wife.

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Response to WarGamer (Original post)

Tue Sep 21, 2021, 02:29 PM

7. Many (Most?)

people don't realize what is going on. Those being abused are good at hiding or minimizing the signs. Those who do know often believe that confrontation will only drive the abused further into isolation.

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Response to WarGamer (Original post)

Tue Sep 21, 2021, 02:48 PM

8. Steps are usually clear ... from the outside

An abuser generally follows a pretty standard pattern which can leave the abused in a very tough spot.

1: Isolate.

Remove friends and family from the social circle.

2: Denigrate.

Remove feelings of self worth and pride.

3: Control.

Remove the ability to support yourself. Remove the ability to travel freely.

4: Abuse.

The physical abuse begins, slowly at first and by then they have no where to turn for help.

I have known many very intelligent women who have fallen prey to this, all the while being warned of what is happening to them. It is tough to watch and there is seldom anything that you can do to stop it from happening.

In the end all that you can do it to make sure that person knows that no matter what you will help. Simple statement ... make no mistake, if you reach out I will be there. Period.

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Response to WarGamer (Original post)

Tue Sep 21, 2021, 03:42 PM

9. I think a lot of people expect to see wounds on an abused woman

and as long as they don't they can convince themselves nothing is happening. Not all abuse is physical. Instead of saying "I have never seen her with a black eye" ask yourself how long it's been since you have seen her without her husband close at hand.

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Response to WarGamer (Original post)

Wed Sep 22, 2021, 08:37 AM

10. It was not long ago that a man could beat a wife as long as stick not thicker than a thumb, or rape

his wife in S Carolina in 1990's.

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