Adjusting to Our Current Time Warp

[NurseJackie]

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/adjusting-to-our-current-time-warp

Adjusting to Our Current Time Warp
By Tom Papa
February 3, 2022

Coördinated Universal Time is the basis for civil time today, and employs highly precise atomic clocks and the power of Earth’s rotation to keep the twenty-four-hour time standard. However, a recently intercepted internal memo has confirmed what we’ve all been feeling—that time is warped, wobbled, and way off track. So it’s about time to adjust how we tell time.

Everyone needs to add two years to whatever they’re trying to recall. If you think you went to Disney with the kids three years ago, it’s really five. You may believe that you just moved into that new apartment, but you’ve been there more than twenty-four months. You should also adjust your thinking on how long it’s been since you had dinner with friends, went for a physical, and started paying for Hulu.


SNIP

Fun fact: We’ve all been aging in dog years since 2019, and that means you are fourteen years older than you think you are. On the plus side, unless you’re a German Shepherd or Burmese Mountain Dog, you should be able to keep your hips well past your hundredth birthday. Your cat, on the other hand, is calmly grooming himself on the windowsill and can’t figure out why everyone else is freaking out.

The insurrection actually happened seven years ago. “The other guy” has only been out of office for a year, but, in a strange twist of the time-space continuum, it feels like he was in office for more than twenty years. Also, unlike other Presidents who immediately went gray on the job, he stayed the same and everyone else in the world went gray. President Biden, meanwhile, has stopped aging altogether, likely the result of his weekly amber dip.

(More fun reading at the link above...)

[niyad]

1. Thanks for the smiles.