The Onion: Supreme Court Ruling Allows Public School Teachers To Lead Students In Crusades
WASHINGTON—In a controversial 6-3 decision regarding religious freedom, the Supreme Court ruled Monday that public school teachers were allowed to lead students on Crusades to win back the Holy Land for Christians. “Because the First Amendment guarantees the free exercise of religion, all school employees have the right to conscript students into a fighting force and undertake a military expedition to ransack and reclaim Jerusalem in the name of Jesus Christ,” Justice Neil Gorsuch wrote for the court’s majority, concluding that Colorado’s Bremerton School District had erred in firing football coach Joseph Kennedy for arming his players and marching them across Europe to conquer the idolaters and pagans who must be forcibly converted to Christianity. “As far back as 1212, we see legal and cultural precedents for community leaders assembling a gang of youths to wage a holy war in defense of Christendom. Not only should Coach Kennedy have his job back, but he should also be permitted to express his religious freedom by burning at the stake any parent who refuses to sign their child’s permission slip for the treacherous voyage across the Mediterranean.” In a concurring opinion, Justice Clarence Thomas wrote that participation in the indiscriminate slaughter of Muslims and Jews should be required to receive a high school diploma.
https://www.theonion.com/supreme-court-ruling-allows-public-school-teachers-to-l-1849119443
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